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ILoveYourMom

age:

	25

location:

	berkeley/oakland

looking for :

	inspiration

more about me:

	loose cannon and classy lassy. my current fantasy fodder: south dakotan land auctions on ebay, russian deadstock cameras from the 1970's, wood veneer, and polka-dotted underwear.

6.215

Other Hooksexup Blogs:

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday
4/1/2006 6:29:33 PM

I am not a good person. I categorically make the wrong decisions, I shirk my responsibilities, and when something needs dealing with, more often than not I bury my head in the sand and hope it’ll just go away of it’s own accord.

And I honestly regret to say that is how I’ve dealt with this blog recently.

Now that it’s over, officially, now that I’m moving on, I’m wistful and wish I’d treated you better, as we’ve had some good times. But nevertheless, I have neglected you of late, and whether you care anymore or not, I feel I need to offer some semblance of an explanation, some too-late attempt at an apology.

I don’t know when the tide turned, but all I can seem to discern is that at some point in the past few months I’ve started living more in the real world than the Hooksexup world. I rarely log on to my account, I haven’t had a “personals date” in god knows how long, and I can’t seem to make myself very excited about any of those things anymore. I check my e-mail about once a week and can never seem to keep track of celebrity gossip and Friendster dramas like I did when I had an office (and therefore computer-related) job.

But it’s more than that. I’ve discovered that I actually DO enjoy meeting real live boys and girls. I DO enjoy awkward bathroom-line conversations, I DO enjoy exchanging furtive smiles with strangers in bars, I DO revel in first-date jitters and finding out personal details at a normal pace, instead of through a 4-month e-mail courtship before ever meeting face-to-face. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to dig on Hooksexup. I never would have discovered how much I liked dating in the real world if I hadn’t taken a hiatus from it. Hooksexup dating, for me, has been a crash-course in relationship dynamics. I’ve learned, in a very short span of time, what sorts of people I am and am not compatible with. I have learned how to be a better communicator, how to let people into my head a little bit, have learned how to fairly accurately represent myself in e-mails, and how to discern, from a brief exchange, the likelihood that my internet boyfriend is an axe murderer.

So again, I’m sorry. I should have just resigned like an adult instead of agonizing over how to end this. I was scared, and stubborn, and it wasn’t fair to you. I was waiting for some sort of tidy end to my saga, some way to magically package all of this in a way that made a cohesive narrative out of my time here, that wrapped up all of my loose ends and ended on a positive note.

Does it? Not really. Does life? Not really either.

VG’s still around, still one of my best friends, and though we have been doing our best to shift into a strictly-platonic relationship, we still cave and have mind-blowing sex every now and again. TheNewGuy has been on a national tour for months, which I think may just serve as enough time for us to forget about each other. He sends me e-mails claiming he “misses me” every couple of weeks, but I think we can all agree that it’d probably be best for everyone involved if we didn’t take up again when he gets back into town. I’d been dating an Aussie I met at a friend’s houseparty for a bit, but that fizzled out at about the one-month point.

And now?

Well, now there’s someone I’m excited about. Only two-dates-in excited about, mind you, but it’s good for me. Even if nothing comes of it, it’s reminded me what this should be about in the first place. I have an awesome life. I have great friends, who are amazing, and who would do nearly anything for me, who are the most fun people in the universe. I’m living my dream- running a successful art gallery, and am taking classes I adore, and am perfectly capable of being alone, and truly enjoying it. Dating should be the gravy. It should be the icing on the cake. And this newest boy, with his shy kisses and adorable nervous habits, is my icing. He makes me feel like I’m seventeen again, he makes me nervous, and just thinking about him makes me smile like I’m an idiot. It may not last, and I’m okay with that. It happened, and that’s what is important. It needed to happen. I’d felt like I wasn’t capable of this anymore, had let myself get talked into dating people who seemed right in theory, instead of who were right for me. I had tried to tell myself that this was what dating as an adult was like, making intellectual decisions, seeking out people who were stable and treated me well, being sane and balanced and making “smart” choices. It’s not. I was wrong. This is how it should be- excitement and kisses that make you dizzy, and Hooksexups, and ups and downs, and ups again. It should be magical, and rosy, and enough fun that even when it ends, it’ll be worth it to look back and be glad that you felt so happy.

It looks like my blog may be ending on a positive note anyway- at the very least, I’m happy. And I’m sure you are too, now that I’ve moved on and you’ll have a new blogger to entertain you.

Win-win.

So take care, dear readers. I’ve enjoyed letting you into my head, and being a part of your world, and mattering to you, even in a tiny little insignificant way. Be kind to the new kid- regardless of what you may think this isn’t an easy gig. And most of all, make yourselves happy. It’s worth it.

xoxo,
iloveyourmom

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