Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
To paraphrase The Thin White Duke, get ready for some ch-ch-changes! If your birthday falls during this week, brace yourself for some unexpected — albeit welcome — developments. Your sex life and finances are on the upswing in ‘09, so keep your eyes peeled for some hot young Teenage Wildlife and get ready to rake in the Diamond Dogs. If you're not cutting a cake this week, stay cautious and poised. A solar eclipse on Monday may phase out opportunities for money and love, so don't buy that ticket to Suffragette City just yet.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Are cigarettes making you wheeze? Is your vintage-bowling-ball collection spilling out of the closet? Is your propensity to speak in a Cockney lilt alienating friends and loved ones? Well, thanks to this week's eclipse, your willpower will increase exponentially, so if you have any bad habits, drop ‘em. Wednesday and Thursday are also looking particularly auspicious on the love front — if you're wearing trousers, get ready to drop those too.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Take five, Rams. You're stuck in an astrological Bermuda Triangle this week. The cosmos are taking time off from mucking around with your mortal existence, so flex some free will and create your own drama. Your pals could be your conduits to love, so let that vestigial pack instinct kick in and mingle, mingle, mingle. Note: Avoid affections of the friend-cestous variety. This is not the week to put the moves on a platonic pal half an hour (and half a bottle of Shiraz) into Purple Rain.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Look to the sky! On Monday, a giant zodiac buffet of career options will come careening from the firmament and right into your kitchen. But before you dig in, be sure to inspect the vittles. Is that burrito stuffed with deferred ambition? How many promises were broken to make that peanut brittle? Is the pastrami free-range? The spread may look delicious, but things never come out the way they came in. Get the facts first to avoid exceeding your Recommended Daily Value of existential despair.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Don't be surprised if you're having difficulty reading this — your old computer might soon start showing its age. But if you're worried about the cost of that new MacBook, fear not — you can also expect to hear some good news about your career. The combination of a recession and Mercury being in retrograde should cause you to tread carefully, but as long as you stay focused and manage not to bomb any interviews, you'll have nothing to worry about.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
If you've been using the winter months as an excuse to blow off your friends and stay inside, now's the time to dust off your cell phone and quit your hermitical ways. A group of stars is gathering in your partnership sector, and you'll be able to knock just about any social engagement out of the park. You've also got a good chance of suddenly receiving a sizable chunk of money which, in terms of making new friends, always helps.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
It's not just you: Neptune and Mercury have been teaming up to make your love life flighty and confusing. Thankfully, Monday's solar eclipse should bring some righteous renewal to your relationships, and will usher in a year of seemingly unbridled success. Be it marriage, a child or simply being able to sit next to each other at the movies without getting into a shouting match, you can expect a period of nigh-unprecedented romantic bliss.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
If you've recently been one to worry about work or love (read: everybody), take solace in the fact that Mars has your back. The red planet is hanging around your areas of true love and creativity, bringing good fortune and pleasant surprises to both. Signs point to January having been an exceptionally kind month thus far, so perhaps its end should see you saving up some of this good luck for an astrological rainy day.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The brisk days and alcohol-fueled nights of midwinter may have you thinking wistfully (or lustfully) about romantic days gone by, perhaps culminating in a phone call or e-mail to a lost love. Mercury might motivate you to attempt contact with an ex, but be sure not to overshoot your boundaries: Even a planet can't keep you from making a fool out of yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Dear Scorpio: you may not always welcome change with open arms, but this week you'll want to buck up and embrace a new living situation. Don't get us wrong: Moving into (or out of) a significant other's place can be a terrifying, unwelcome experience. But the planets predict you'll appreciate your daring changes a few weeks down the line. If you're single and cohabitating isn't in the cards, Jupiter and Mercury suggest you spruce up your current abode. Don't let your new lover describe a late-night trip to the bathroom as terrifying or unwelcome.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mars and Venus will complement Uranus on Thursday. (We'll compliment it every other day.) We'll spare you the interplanetary specifics, but know that the solar system is basically demanding that you throw a party. Your fiesta could lead to new professional — and, if you're lucky, highly unprofessional — contacts. So stay on the charming side of drunk and you'll wake up for work on Friday with someone else in your bed. (Or Uranus?) If Thursday's reserved for Grey's Anatomy, whoop it up this weekend. You'll just have to be extra-charming to get the same results.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If your palms and stomach clench up whenever an ATM asks if you want a receipt, help is on the way. The end of January is an extremely fortunate time for you, particularly on the financial front. Jupiter, that randy giver of luck, will be on your fiscal side for the rest of year, and he'll be rubbing up against your wallet all this week. The state of the economy seems to suggest you spend wisely, however, so hold off on the real-estate investments and start small. Be generous with your happy-hour drinks, and you could be getting randy, as well.
