Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
There's a saying about still waters running deep. Who knows what that means. What you need to focus on is seeking that truly experienced and skilled individual among all the braggarts. Tune out those who start every conversation with, "So I was having a crotch-shaving tickle fight party last night with twenty-seven people and…" They may very well have had such a tickle party, but what you need is that certain someone who lets their prowess speak for itself. Find them and this will be a great week.
promotion
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Know what you need this week? Young Tom Cruise. Nubile and scrawnily assertive, perhaps hanging around with a bunch of mustachioed people named Iceman and flying airplanes. Someone who's still happy to be hot and full of spunk, who hasn't complicated his life yet. Have a great time, but remember where all this leads. Get out before he starts in about spaceships and has someone else impregnate you.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Carefully wrought pleasure is the way to happiness this week, so disdain the quick and easy sex that will tempt you. Think about musicians. Sure, there was a lot of energy and excitement around mercurial characters like Sid Vicious or Darby Crash. But you'll find more happiness in toiling over mixing boards and fashioning a twenty-year career, like Barry Manilow. Not only will it pay off in bed, but you won't have to worry about the magic of that fleeting moment passing before the weekend.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Despite a desire to do one thing while you're engaged in another, find ways to avoid changing things up too quickly. Answer your email when you're answering your email, give someone head when you're giving someone head. Stop your mind from jumping to the next part or rehashing the part that just passed. It'll be difficult but it'll be the only way to ensure that you continue getting email and giving head for weeks to come.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Take your recent dream, about a student-loan officer pulling your pants down and sternly telling you you're in default, as a sign that you've sublimated certain other aspects of your life into sexual fantasies. This is a good thing. It gets boring after a while to only lust after those things which actually stir the genitals to action, so let things get muddled up. Except, seriously, pay your student-loan bill.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Put on a happy face! There's no need to grimly pound away, sweating with effort and grimacing at that hot person in bed with you! You're having fun, so try to look like it. I know it requires a lot of concentration and manual dexterity to pull off those feats of sexual imagination, but a little joy will serve to brighten the proceedings for all involved.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
The best sex can sneak up on you. You're going along, fixated on trying to figure out whether their body smell is gross or not, and you suddenly realize that whatever it is that they're doing, it's starting to feel mighty good. Mighty good! Keep your eyes peeled for things that start out plain but get super intense if you allow them to continue.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Sometimes a great lay is a two-hour drive away, or way at the end of the subway line. Don't be put off by the inaccessibility of certain people this week. Put forth the effort and you're likely to come across some things you don't see every day. Just spend some time with them before taking the trek to make out with them, or they might not be the right one. Traveling all that distance back home, your shirt unrumpled and your underwear just as you put them on, would suck.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Just as it's good to keep a little something in your bank account in case of emergency, you'll want to keep a little something reserved in your genitalia this week. Sure, make as if you're giving them everything that you've got. Make them think you've built up all this force through months of waiting for this specific moment. Then let them know that there's more. I'd suggest waiting until they've partially dressed, gotten a glass of water and turned on The Sarah Silverman Program. Boy, will they be surprised!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Ah, the days when your friends were meth freaks who came over at three a.m. with $300 worth of kid's cereal they bought on a whim. Those types are a barrel of monkeys, to be sure, but they also have a tendency to lose their minds a bit too easily. Watch as the person you're sleeping with will be the same way: terribly excitable. Just hark back to what you learned in those days and don't make any sudden movements or loud noises.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Can you imagine being the studio intern or assistant who had to sit around coming up with all sorts of things that add up to twenty-three to promote that new Jim Carrey movie? Late nights, sitting at a desk, doing math so Jim Carrey can drop all sorts of examples into his press-junket interviews; it's a special kind of post-modern hell. Unfortunately, the sexual equivalent of such dubious toil will be your lot this week. Sigh, but trudge ahead with your work, secure in the knowledge that either the next sexual task won't be so tedious or you'll get to move up to better things. And by "things" I mean better penises and vaginas.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It'll be a good thing to find some special secret something that resonates deeply with you this week. Not that you need to tell everyone about it or make it a big deal, but it'll be very important to have it. Among all the cursing and anal action and other general wildness, some secret thing that means something private to you will give a whole new perspective to what you do.
