Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Certain people's genitals can be hard to pin down this week, and frustration may result from your inability to successfully grab said privates. Are they training your hand-to-crotch-to-eye coordination? Are they trying, albeit not all that hard, to get away from your lascivious attentions? Or is it just that you've gone much too far with lubricants? Solve this problem before they're too far gone.
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Mercury moves into Gemini this week, so get ready for some impressive moments in your sex life. I know what you're thinking. Mercury is one of the smaller planets, isn't it? Yes, it is, but it's still a planet and therefore pretty huge. Keep things like this in mind when tempted to look down on what's entering you.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
This is it! You absolutely must leave the house this week! If you do, ah, the sex you will have! So go forth and stake a claim, and pan for penetration gold! But you need to keep this particular gold-mine-of-intercourse secret for a while. Certain other rascally prospectors will covet your claim.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Seems like a lot of people I know are running, jogging, walking or masturbating for good causes lately. I keep getting pledge-drive emails that inform me of this. You should seek out such opportunities to do good. Life isn't just martinis and blowjobs in the parking lot after TV on the Radio shows, you know. Plus, I bet there're all sorts of hot people who will be running, jogging, walking or masturbating along with you. Buy an extra TVOTR ticket and ask what they're up to later.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Like an angry citizen who's had enough, you'll want to write a letter to the editorial board of your bedroom. Spurious reportage of your oral sex skills, invented quotes, dubious angles; all these and more will have you up in arms. Just be sure to carefully word your argument. There's nothing more painful than an unsupported and poorly spelled wisecrack.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Feel like telling that potential sex partner everything about yourself? Go right ahead! Things normally obnoxious will be charming coming from you, so chuckle at your own anecdotes, and declare yourself “such a character” with as much self-love as Kelly Ripa. Just remember, the only reason you're getting away with all this is that smitten listener before you. Take time out from your reconnoitering to put your hand down their pants in gratitude.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This usually doesn't happen, but you may meet someone with a strange atmosphere around them, surreal and imaginative, this week. That's not that out of the ordinary, but the intense, undeniable urge to furiously make out with them will be. Blame it on some black magic spell, if you like, just be sure to give in to the urge.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You need someone in your corner this week, much like Phil Spector needs a wacky haircut and a very, very young lady friend. You won't be accused of murder, but you still need support. Don't push people out of your inner sanctum as things get complicated; keep them close and ignore the desire to go it alone.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Leadership is all about delegation. Good CEOs don't do everything themselves; they find the right person for each task. Take this management training into your sex life this week. John/Jane Doe from the mail room is great at doing it from behind? Get them in there and get them working on the Peterson file, stat! Then sit back, make two hundred times the salary of the lowest-paid worker and enjoy the sexual fruits of your management style.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You may be the type to roll your eyes at the idea of some docent ushering you through a plantation house, armed with all sorts of rote quips and tedious details. This week, however, go ahead and agree to that tour, especially since it'll be a tour of some hot thing's apartment instead of colonial Williamsburg. You'd like to skip ahead to the bedroom, but knowing what else is in the place will help keep you from banging a shin in the middle of the night. You may also find something (an extensive collection of Disney animation) that'll make you think twice about the whole endeavor.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Remember when risk didn't entail your exploits ending up on the internet, outraging the blogging community? Those were the good old days. Pretend this week that it's olden times, before people knew how to write HTML, back when sex was dark and mysterious and fun. Turn off the internet, go find someone who also isn't on the internet, and blow each other.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Tired of lazing morbidly about, watching Lost on DVD (again) and masturbating to the memory of someone you had sex with in the '90s? Well, turn off the TV, because this week holds more activities than you can shake a stick at. Unfortunately, not everything in this flurry of activity will be sexual in nature. Work complications, family phone calls and life in general will leave you little time to breathe. Just make sure that when you're not dealing with the aforementioned, you've got your head firmly planted between someone's legs.
