Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Holy crap. Things are going down this week, and we don't (just) mean in the sexy way. You know that infomercial in Requiem for a Dream that keeps promising you the secret to changing your life but then never tells you? Well screw that, you don't even need the secret. Your life is going to change all on its own, thank you very much. Oh yeah, and it's going to rock like a Spice Girls reunion concert. Or a White Stripes concert. Or M.I.A., if that's more your thing. The point is: if you hold your breath and dive in, you will be handsomely rewarded with money and sex and booze and general awesomeness. If you chicken out, you're doomed to get caught jerking off to crappy porn. Your call, my friend. Your call.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
After this week, all that ball-busting you've been doing will pay off hardcore. So don't quit now! You may be tired, you may be poor, you may be yearning to break free. (You may be immigrating to America.) But you can do this! We know, we know, you don't need our encouragement, you arrogant bastard. Look, you're feeling cocky now, but you'll feel even cockier when all this hard work pays off. So don't get all slacker-y. And if you can make any plans for the future, do so. That simple trip to Cabo will become a hot orgy, and that petty scheme you're working on will turn into a multi-million dollar enterprise when you pick Lindsay Lohan's pocket and sell off the coke.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You've been pushing the limits lately and hoping to spur a Miley Cyrus-esque life transformation. Though wet-t-shirt contests and Nickelodeon stars may not be your thing (and if it is we suggest therapy, not astrology), it's time to declare your independence. Pluto's pretending to be a planet again and aligning with Uranus, and this might be the time to drop that job or played-out boy-toy that's been dragging you down.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
When it comes to courting the opposite sex, you're about as charming as George W. Bush at our grandparents' Boca retirement community. If you don't find release soon, you honestly might go crazy. Venus moving into your fifth house means that the booze will be carrying good luck your way this Friday. You might have to go for an older mate to kick the losing streak, but just sensually whisper, "I'd like to shuffle your board," and the rest is gravy.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
We feel sorry for you, Sagittarius. Your sex life has been far from anything like the movie Let's Play Stain the Couch. We suggest you spice things up, or you're going to be the lone star of Dude, Where's My Dildo? Dabble with various fetishes you've suppressed. We know you've always wanted to have sex with a mannequin. Don't let these inner desires scare you. This week it's time to let go and get creative — try surprising your partner with a jab at the Anal Twister or Crouching Tiger. Viva XXX!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Suit up, Capricorn, because when the Moon enters Scorpio on Thursday, you're going run the sexual marathon of a lifetime. Like our starry-eyed young men and women over in Beijing, you'll need some proper conditioning — you want some 1936 Berlin glory, after all, not the Laff-a-Lympics. YouPorn and a hard-working hand doesn't count — give the other parts of your body a workout, and they'll marvel at your stamina come the night of the big game. Besides, who ever turns down a bout with someone who just won a gold medal for performance?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When a member of your inner circle pulls some conniving stunts that would bring a tear of appreciation to Serena van der Woodsen's eye, your wish that your life could have the glamour and intrigue of Gossip Girl will be tested. As Mars opposes Venus in the skies above, and as Omarosa gratuitously wigs out at Wendy Williams on the earth below, you may despair that your whole life is filled with conflict. But don't sweat it — just try to stay out of the middle of everything. A few awkward social situations and diabolical blog posts later, everything will be more or less back to normal. Even if "normal" is less glamorous than, say, the Constance Billard School for Girls, you won't be complaining.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
If you lived it up in July, Pisces, get ready to buckle down in August. The combination of a solar eclipse and Mars will mean that while your personal life may be smooth sailing, you'll be facing some rough waters at work. While you're burning the midnight oil for your job, you'll begin to notice some sexual tension with a coworker. Maybe it's with the stern but still alluring receptionist, or that guy from HR who sometimes lifts heavy boxes of files next to your desk with his shapely arms. What to do? You could go the Secretary route, but office S&M rarely works out so well. Much better to simply wait this one out, no matter how torturous it may seem.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
My, my, Aries, you are one feisty sexpot. Your libido is on fire this week. Lucky for you, you can get exactly what you want. But it's time to switch up your routine. Instead of being the girl on top (or man in charge), let others have control next time you spread your legs or whip out your pecker. It's a good week to work on some of your signature weaknesses (like your domineering tendencies in the sack). Put your hands down and let that musician you've been screwing play your clit like a bass. If you really want to test yourself, stock your closet with kinky equipment, like a sex swing and doorjamb cuffs. Tell your one-night stand to bust out their inner BDSM and ravage you like there's no tomorrow. Hang on tight, and soon you'll see how hot being bossed around in bed can be.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
John McCain not the only one who's having a bad week. Neither of you know that Iraq and Pakistan don't share a border, or that Czechoslovakia hasn't been a country for fifteen years. It's the kind of week where you'll either lose your cell phone, or your mind. Maybe both. Luckily, Mercury's giving Saturn good vibrations, which means you'll be getting laid. Who needs a cell phone? Get through this week and you'll find plenty of your own good vibrations.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You've been too cautious with your sexual escapades lately, dearest Gemini. You will never score that big O by being sensitive and empathetic. You are too young and life is too short to care about feelings and fidelity. This week, follow your instincts and tell your angel voice to shut up. We guarantee you could do anything you put your mind to and get away with it. Have you been fantasizing about nailing that cute co-worker in the stock room? She says she has a boyfriend, but just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score!
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
August is just getting started, Cancer, but you've hit the ground running. You're like James Bond in the first five minutes of the film: you just kicked some ass, jumped over a building, and made love to a beautiful woman. And it's only Tuesday. Your plate may be full, my friend, but don't worry, you've got the appetite to gobble it down. Just keep your cool like our sexy man James, and trust that your pistol and Aston Martin will do you right. And if you get stressed with all the craziness, go play that GoldenEye game on Nintendo 64. It's fun, and a lot easier than jumping off tall buildings.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
