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I'm a twenty-seven-year-old gay man. I had a really great first couple of dates with a guy, so for the third date I invited him to stay over. I cooked a nice dinner, we watched a movie, and we had a lovely time in bed together. In the morning, we had another romp. At one point, he was rimming me, and unexpectedly, unintentionally, I farted in his mouth a little. His reaction was along the lines of "EW! EWWWW! EW!" Mine was along the lines of trying to apologize through uncontrollable laughter. I said, "C'mere" and pulled him in to kiss me, and we finished with what I thought was minimal awkwardness.

Later in the day, to be cute, and even perhaps start a long-term shared joke, I sent an e-card that read, "I'm sorry for farting in your mouth." I then left town for the weekend, and when I got back I tried to get in touch with him. He sent the following text message: "i'm not sure about this. yr a sweet guy but i'm dating some other people… i just can't have farts in my mouth. i think i would have handled it a bit more respectfully."

Is a sense of humor about the inevitable off-color moments too much to expect? I mean, this was one strike you're out, not even a chance to talk it over. He dumped me over TEXT, for fuck's sake! Good riddance, I suppose. But did I really handle this wrong?Flatulent Anilingus Result: Termination

SAVAGE LOVEYou handled this beautifully, FART — that's why you got dumped via text message.

They don't cover this in sex ed, I realize, but the average idiot knows there's just one thing a person wants from someone who's just "unexpectedly" farted in his mouth, even just a little, and it's not an e-card. It's a lengthy, abject, mortified, immediate, and heartfelt apology. And after a rimmee farts — a blessedly rare occurrence — it's the rimmer's response that sets the tone for what comes next. Your guest was horrified and disgusted. When you saw his reaction, FART, you needed to take your emotional cues from him, make your apologies and reassure him that it wasn't intentional, and express genuine remorse.

Instead, you laughed in his face, pulled him in for a kiss, and sent him a flip e-card. Basically, you did everything you could to give this guy the impression that you're either an inconsiderate asshole incapable of reading another person's emotional cues, FART, or that you may actually be into farts — or worse — and that you intentionally farted in his mouth. I would've dumped you, too.

Yes, a sense of humor about those off-color moments is not too much to expect. But no relationship progresses to the laughing-off-the-fart-in-your-mouth stage, FART, until after — long after — you've demonstrated to the person you're dating that you're a fundamentally decent, considerate person, worthy of their time and affections.

Every so often, I have to fight the urge to contact an ex-boyfriend from college. It didn't end well (I cheated). It's been over a decade (more like fifteen years) since we last spoke. I'm happily married, have two children, and live in a completely different part of the country now. Yet, I feel sad that we don't still know each other. The reasons for the indiscretion are complicated and include, among other things, stupidity and youth. (Also the fact that the indiscretion involved a different ex-boyfriend who begged and pleaded for one final hurrah — and then I told the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend that it was forced, which it wasn't, which the then-current [now-ex] boyfriend rightly didn't believe.)

I know my reasons are selfish: I want to explain myself, I want to move on, I want to be forgiven. But if he wanted to be in contact with me, he would be. And yet, like a crazed idiot, I still hold out hope that someday he'll contact me or that we'll bump into each other. Should I contact him? Can't Let Go

SAVAGE LOVEYou should suck it up, CLG.

It's killing you that someone out there might hate your guts (with cause), might think you're scum (because you behaved like scum), and, we can safely presume at this stage, is content to have you out of his life (otherwise he would've looked you up on Facebook by now). This bothers you because you're not scum, of course; no person is defined by the two worst mistakes she ever made. (I'm referring to (1) cheating and (2) making a false accusation of rape. What would've happened if your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend had gone to the police? Or taken the law into his own hands? Thank God your then-current [now-ex] boyfriend didn't believe you.)

I don't think you should contact him, CLG, not until you're a little more interested in what you could give him (a long-overdue apology) and a little less interested in what he could give you (absolution).

My wife and I divorced three years ago. Six months ago, I began seeing a good friend of my daughter's. I knew this was dangerous territory, but I really liked this girl. A month ago, we decided to take our relationship public. My daughter reacted poorly. She did not demand that we break up, but she did let me know that our relationship made her uncomfortable. And she was rightfully upset about some personal information my girlfriend had told me about her.

During the past four weeks, my daughter has gradually edged my girlfriend, formerly a close friend of hers, out of her personal life. She has also begun to spend less time with me. She tells me she does not want me to have to choose between her and my girlfriend; although, if she stops spending time with me, that's exactly what she's doing. I know she's upset. But I'm a grown man, and I just want to be happy. And in spite of the age difference, my girlfriend makes me very happy.

What can I do to make my daughter more comfortable with my new relationship?Father Doesn't Always Know Best

P.S. The information my girlfriend shared about my daughter was the name of a young man she was seeing and that my daughter had recently purchased an expensive dress. My girlfriend hardly told me that my daughter was doing something truly dangerous or wrong.

SAVAGE LOVEIt's nice to know that your girlfriend manages to make you happy "in spite of the age difference." Too many late-middle-aged men succumb to despair in the arms of their much-younger girlfriends. Anyway…

What can you do to make your daughter comfortable with you fucking her friend while her friend blabs to you? Nothing. Your daughter may eventually become comfortable with your relationship, FDAKB, but there's nothing you can do to artificially force up her comfort level. And while emotional blackmail — "My girlfriend makes me happy, but I will sacrifice my happiness for you, darling, if that's what you want…" — may result in your daughter spending more time with you and your girlfriend now, her resentment at being blackmailed will do irreparable damage to your relationship with her over the long run.

So just shut the fuck up, Dad, stop whining, and continue to enjoy the girlfriend in spite of the age difference. Then go apologize to your daughter for (1) keeping the relationship from her for so long (your daughter may be losing sleep over things she told her friend before she found out you were fucking) and (2) the invasion of her privacy that already took place. Then give your daughter the space she needs and the privacy she has a right to.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

FIND MORE
Miss Information: What’s the proper Facebook status etiquette after a break-up?
A Field Guide to "Cool Older Men"
Sex Advice From Grandparents

Comments ( 22 )

I have known several women so cute that I would have been delighted if they farted in my mouth. Inadvertently or advertently. No, I'm not submissive. Some women are just so adorable that any healthy bodily function is cute.

straight male commented on Apr 21 10 at 5:52 am

Re: the second letter...what an awkward situation the dad is putting everyone in just to rebound from his marriage with a younger woman. I hope he follows the campsite rule. I know getting divorced can mess people up for years after, but how can he put his relationship with his daughter through even more weirdness by dating her peer?? I would expect the ex-wife in this case is so glad she's not with the creep anymore and bummed for her daughter.

jb commented on Apr 21 10 at 7:49 am

Yep - sounds a little sleazy. I know everyone is allowed to date whoever they like, etc. etc. but that feels totally creepy. There are so many young women out there - does it have to be the daughter's friend? Also - how old are we talking here?

BenReininga commented on Apr 21 10 at 9:32 am

I don't think it's okay for people to date whoever they like. This is just cruel to his daughter. It frankly is tricky for him to date anyone in her range, but a close friend?!? If my parents got divorced and my dad started dating one of my sister's friends I don't know what I would do.

Dan commented on Apr 21 10 at 10:00 am

Agreed. I'm also way confused that the father is willing to jeopardize (seemingly permanently) his relationship with his daughter for a SIX MONTH LONG relationship. Really? Sleazy, secretive and inappropriate, Dad. You shoulda run it by her from the get go. If I were your daughter I'd be more than furious.

@ALL commented on Apr 21 10 at 10:02 am

After a difficult divorce, I dated women younger than my daughter, who promptly took me aside and said, "You look like an idiot." We agreed to the ten-year rule: I would avoid dating anyone less than ten years older than my daughter. This worked out very well--much better than me getting frustrated with very young women who looked great but acted like, well, my daughter.

Stan commented on Apr 21 10 at 12:12 pm

We need to give the father a break here. If the situation were reversed, and the daughter were dating the father's best friend, she would be absolutely incensed at any suggestion that she sacrifice her relationship with her boyfriend to preserve the relationship with her dad. The guy is on the rebound from a divorce and blowing off some steam. Eventually, he is going to come around and seek someone closer to his own age, but in the meantime, the daughter could try to be happy for her dad, instead of being selfish and possessive about her friendship with the dad's girlfriend.

meh commented on Apr 21 10 at 1:44 pm

"But I'm a grown man, and I just want to be happy. And in spite of the age difference, my girlfriend makes me very happy."

Oh daddy...so long as you're happy with your obvious mid-life crisis barely legal friend...that's all that matters.

Selfish prick father!

jaw commented on Apr 21 10 at 2:51 pm

Did I mention obviously lazy too since no doubt, she 'fell into his lap?" It's not like he has to stand up as an equal or a peer in the eyes of a contemporary. I doubt he'd stack up anyway with his attitude.

jaw commented on Apr 21 10 at 2:54 pm

@meh--It's true that the dad is blowing off some natural steam...and I like your point about role reversal here...let's say the daughter breaks up with a long time bf, some time passes during which she heals a bit, and then she starts a serious emotional and sexual relationship with her father's best friend in secret. After a bit more time, the daughter and older boyfriend/dad's best friend 'go public'...and it is revealed the daughter and dad's best friend have been exchanging information about the dad... I think Stan did a great thing for himself, his relationship with his daughter, and his potential future girlfriends by listening to his daughter's point of view and generating some boundaries together as a family. Just a thought :)

jb commented on Apr 21 10 at 3:50 pm

I'm sure the barely legal sex is great, but he's probably doing serious damage to his relationship with his daughter. Maybe that's not "fair", but since when is a parent's relationship with their child supposed to be fair or equitable?

Additionally, the story about farting in a person's mouth does nothing to change my belief that rimming is just nasty. I'm pretty open minded, but I just don't get that at all.

jb (different one) commented on Apr 21 10 at 4:09 pm

Father is clearly blowing off steam. It is called a mid-life crisis. He should also be award of the fact that the younger woman probably has father issues, and is attracted to the security and money that an older guy can offer.
He is walking on incredibly thin ice. How much younger than him is this girl?
The way that their relationship started is to say the least unnatural (I don't know about the general public but I tend to slot good friends parents as in the same kind of relationship bracket as Aunts or Uncles, i.e. benevolent, know a lot about your life and incestuous to fuck them). And I don't care how "age-ist" this is but he is making himself look like an idiot, a rather sad pathetic older man on the rebound that is grabbing onto a younger thing as he desperately tries to comprehend that fact that he is getting older and losing his virility. Oh how sad, and if the daughter started dating one of her fathers peers, I would think the exact same of him.
Realistically in the long term, he should look for a partner that has a little bit more life experience and the emotional capacity to deal with this situation. Yes the daughter should be upset, yes he cradle snatched, and yes it is gross. I whole heartedly approve of the 10 year age gap rule.
It is upsetting and disturbing on a very fundamental level to see your own father sexually active with someone your own age. Think of everything that a normal father does for his daughter and her friends, picking them up from parties, taking them on outings etc. every innocent activity suddenly is framed in this light. The questions that pop - when did he start being sexually attracted to my friends? Why was he helping us? Particularly if they are barely legal. It is called a generation gap for a reason.
Also, must be making the ex-wife feel pretty shitty to have to see him going around town with a much younger model.........

Shels commented on Apr 21 10 at 5:38 pm

@jb, re: rimming. I feels really good to have it done to you. Really, really, really good.

KS commented on Apr 21 10 at 6:55 pm

@jb What is the significance of "exchanging information" about the daughter/dad? All of us talk about our family members to our partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, and spouses. Why is it more acceptable for dad to talk to a stranger about his daughter than to someone who actually knows her daughter? Would it be acceptable for dad to date a girl the same age as his daughter's friend, but who does not know her daughter? I think the real objection to this relationship is that it is pseudo-incest because the dad is supposed to consider all of his daughter's close friends as his own kids. But that's asking a lot, and as long as everyone involved are consenting adults, the dad should be able to enjoy a loving relationship, even if it is not going to last forever. Give the guy a break. There, but for the grace of Godm go most guys.

meh commented on Apr 21 10 at 7:01 pm

@meh~ I agree with you...especially your last 3 sentences. Like someone here already commented, Dan knocked it out of the park, yet again. 'noches.

jb commented on Apr 21 10 at 8:34 pm

The dad. What a douche. How is the advice in this situation to NOT emotionally scar his daughter? Isn't a parent about thinking of your children's needs as well as your own? Fucking asshole.

ML commented on Apr 21 10 at 9:08 pm

Dan is absolutely correct in regards to the Father.

I'm really sad to see all the slut-shaming in this thread, however. Just because he's male does NOT mean it's OK to attack someone's sexuality. I firmly believe that if both partners are CONSENTING adults, there is nothing to shame anyone over. Sex is good, healthy and fun. To assume the daughter's friend is "barely legal" is just an automatic response that perpetuates the archetype of the "kind of girl" who would go for an older man. To automatically prescibe this girl with "daddy issues" is even meaner. I myself have been involved in some very satisfying May-December romances that evolved not out of some weird issues with my dad (he and I are totally cool) but rather because I wanted a voice of experience, someone who TRULY understood "NSA" and who wasn't interested in marrying me or living with me or any of that. As long as Dad follows the campsite rules, what's the issue? Why the assumption that she's "barely legal"? There is, again, a "type" that's being conjured up for the sake of dehumanizing and shaming the father here.

Is it selfish of him to date a daughter's friend? Absolutely. But what we need to realize is that sometimes it's OK to be selfish when it comes to us. People want their feelings and their sexuality acknowledged and appreciated. I imagine after a divorce, Dad is in serious need of some of that and what better than an enthusiastic younger person who probably has the twinkles in her eye for him? MILFs' are OK but DILFs' are verboten? These double standards are a little depressing, to be honest.

If it were my dad, would I be a little creeped out and would I be upset with my friend, especially if they kept it from me? Absolutely! While I want my parents' to be happy, I would probably feel weirdness regardless. And then I'd think that it's not selfish to take a break from dad, let him get it out of his system (if necessary) and step back, as Dan says.

Dee commented on Apr 21 10 at 9:48 pm

My boyfriend keeps begging me to let him rim me, but I've had it done a couple of time before and it did NOTHING for me. I like cunnilingus, which he hasn't done since our first night together. I like having my tits grabbed and sucked. But the only thing I like done to my ass is to have it grabbed and spanked. Maybe we need to talk...

As for the daddy thing: live and let live. I got mad at my father for saying he "couldn't be alone" just a week after my mother's death. He brought a date to her funeral, for fuck's sake!

But now, some thirteen years later, I say just let your father be happy and be happy for him. We are all family, but not so closely-related we can't let someone just have a good time. Maybe he'll marry the friend, maybe he won't. Don't judge him for having an awesome time. He is entitled to have some fun in his life.

Kat commented on Apr 22 10 at 3:35 pm

@Dee the "barely legal" assumption comes from the fact that the daughter was upset her friend told about her purchase of an expensive dress. This should only be an issue if the girl is still financially dependent on her father (for example still in school). One hopes that the woman is at least legal.

The situation seems harsh because a divorce is already hard on children. Disrupting her social support even further is just poor parenting. Whining about it makes him sound like a selfish jerk.

RS commented on Apr 22 10 at 6:10 pm

Let us think about this from a different point of view, we seem to be focusing on her father hurting their relationship via dating her friend... But... What about the friend, obviously she either (A) wasn't worried that it would affect the friendship and explains why she went ahead and starting dating the father or (B) [perhaps the better of the two] she knew it would hurt their friendship (which explains why she agreed to keep it a secret instead of talking to the daughter about it in the first place) but went ahead and decided to choose her father over her.... The idea of the girlfriend being able to remain his girlfriend and his daughter's friend is just an absurd fairytale thought. So she choose the father over her friend, big whoop... And now the daughter should (maybe after a little bit of time away from everything) try to do the same thing...

Jeff commented on Apr 23 10 at 12:23 am

i agree with dan on all these. dirty dad needs to think of his daughter first and his schlong 2nd. sorry dad, you crossed a line.

mr. man commented on Apr 23 10 at 4:47 pm

C'mon Love, if you're rimming an ass, if youre fucking someone in the ass, accidents are bound to happen. If you arent prepared to deal with them like an adulto, then dont do it.

I disagree with your advice.

FARTist commented on Apr 23 10 at 5:06 pm

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