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Miss Information

I broke up with my boyfriend and moved back in with my parents. How do I get out of here?

By Cait Robinson

Dear Miss Information,

A week ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after four years, and I moved out of our apartment. That was sad enough, but the main problem is that my life as I know it has completely changed overnight. After gradually building a life in our nice, charming neighborhood, I'm suddenly back at my parents', and with my twenty-fourth birthday around the corner, I'm really struggling with it. I was living just minutes from the city beforehand, and now I need a bus to even get to the train. (Any New Yorker knows this is not okay.)

All the places a single person would go to meet people are suddenly miles away, and I'm relegated to living in a room with no lock and a shared wall with my parents. I work full time but am not yet financially stable enough to get my own place, nor do I have friends who are looking for roommates. I wish everyone in my house would be more sensitive to the fact that not only did I just break up with the man I once thought I'd marry but, more importantly, I've just uprooted myself from my life entirely. I mostly want to be left alone and to live like an adult, yet they seem intent on treating me like I'm seventeen and abusing my privacy. They also told me I cannot move my furniture into the house because there's no room, so it has to linger in my old apartment till I go, which is just prolonging a confusing attachment to the ex. Am I crazy for being frustrated? Help.

— Trying to Move On in Queens

Dear Trying to Move On,

Everyone regresses when we go back home. Each and every one of us. You show up with your suitcase, and the next thing you know you're watching TV in your underwear, eating handfuls of cereal out of the box, and shouting, "Nobody understands me! You never did! Goddamnit, I'm hungry." And if someone asks you to pick up after yourself? Forget it. This happens even under the best of circumstances; when a traumatic event is involved, it's even more pronounced. 

There's a lot of stress in your tone, Trying, all of which is completely understandable. You just suffered a big loss, and you deserve time to grieve. When you say things like, "I wish everyone in my house would [treat me differently/act differently/leave me alone]," though, that is the voice of a seventeen-year-old: victimized and powerless. If you're frustrated with how your family treats you, look at your role in these structures. Maybe they snap back to seeing you as a seventeen-year old because that was the last version of you living at home that they knew. And maybe you regress to meet those expectations because, well, that's what happens. Instead of settling for these dynamics, try setting new standards. 

Use every opportunity to take the high road. Thank your parents for making dinner, offer to pitch in with household chores, and demonstrate your exceptional maturity whenever possible. Have a respectful discussion of your boundaries, too: "Please don't go into my room when I'm not there, and please knock when I am" is a reasonable request. Also, consider using some of your earnings to pay for a storage locker for your things if they can't fit in the house. That will help cut ties with your ex and give you a small sense of ownership, a division between "mine" and "theirs." 

Give yourself the time and permission to process what just happened, because it sucks, plain and simple. Try to be open to your parents' perspective here, too. Their daughter just had her heart broken and moved back home, and they likely don't know how to handle that. Perhaps it's easier for them to fall back on ingrained patterns than it is to grapple with what you, as an adult, need from them. So you, as an adult, should help guide them. Put your energy into working together, rather than falling into a "me vs. them" dynamic.

You won't be at home forever; it's just a space for you to regroup. Recognizing this will take some of the pressure off. See this moment for what it is — a transition — and focus on saving money, working hard, and enjoying your time out. You just need to make it workable for a short time, and then you'll be on your way.

 

Dear Miss Info,

Things are moving pretty fast with my current boyfriend, but I always get flustered when it comes to "the rules" or etiquette regarding the big "I love you" moment. I've never said it to anyone before. How long is a good amount of time after being in a defined relationship to say "I love you?" What if he doesn't say it back? Can you help me get over my Hooksexups?

— Waiting for the L Word

Dear Waiting for The L Word, 

As a rule of thumb, if you're caught up in the etiquette of "I love you," you're missing the point. It's probably not love if you're following a checklist.

That said, there are different camps on this one. Your reverence for the word dictates how discriminating you are in its usage. If you're of the "This was a great second date! I love you!" camp, then the word "love" is an easy-come, easy-go kind of thing. You think of it lightly, so you use it lightly. 

Emotional octogenarian I am, I take the opposite tack. I put a tremendous amount of weight on the word. I think you're ready to say "I love you" when you're saying it for you, not for them — when it's an expression of a feeling you're so secure in, it may as well be fact. "I love you" = "This room is freezing" = "Cookie dough is the jam." From this perspective, "Is this the right time?" or "What if they don't say it back?" are almost moot points. You're acknowledging something that feels true to you, and that's important.  

Regardless of where you fall on the "I love you and these bread sticks!" to "Whippersnappers, get off my lawn" continuum, stop agonizing. There are a million ways to show you are fond of each other, so don't feel pressure toward this one particular phrase if it doesn't feel right yet. "I love you" will bubble to the surface when it is ready.

Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.

Commentarium (24 Comments)

Sep 30 11 - 11:47pm
nope

The chances that your parents are going to be able to stop treating you like the kid that used to live there five years ago, LW#1, are slim. Miss Info's advice is terrific, but it's months of work, and unpacking all of your teenage shit with your parents may not be another weight you want on your life. It obviously depends on your financial situation, but look for roommates outside of your friend circle. Craigslist and RoomieMatch are good places to start. (The same rules for meeting an online date apply to meeting an online prospective-roomie: Public space, let someone know where you're going, etc). Also, if you focus your energy on finding a roommate, and keep that goal concrete and in front of you, it'll help you from feeling like you're sliding backwards into a pit of regression.

Oct 01 11 - 1:07am
def

Agreed. The breakup was hard enough. Living with the parents is going to salt the wound.

Oct 01 11 - 1:38am
Dee

I agree. I broke up with my very first live in boyfriend, moved in with two other ladies who were not in my immediate circle and it was great.

Oct 01 11 - 12:39pm
agreed

LW #1, you can start living your life again by writing into the story a few good roommate(s) to help out with the cost of living. Also, don't be afraid to use your friend network to find roomies. I wish you luck, and don't forget to be forgiving of yourself during this trying time.

Oct 01 11 - 1:56am
Ricochet

Your work might be a good source of people looking for roommates. The one drawback to moving in with someone you don't know (if they already have a place and you're moving in) is that you'll constantly feel like a guest for the first few months. But it does teach you restraint, how to get over the little shit in life (if you're willing to learn that), and people skills. Use humility in all dealings with a new roommate. And I don't mean let them walk over you.

If you must wait until you can get your own place it can't be that long to put together your stake, unless you have a crappy job. Then you probably shouldn't be living in your in own space. A good rule of thumb is that rent should take at most 40% of your income. No matter where you live. Obviously, in San Fran, if you want any space at all that means the boonies or a really crappy neighborhood. But there are great neighborhoods in NY with rents that are very affordable.

But I don't know where you are, what kind of job you have, if you have had poor budget habits. It really boils down to cashola. Because your parents are not going to change. Just like you don't want to change from what you've become.

Oct 01 11 - 4:37pm
Liz

Heheh..The apt. was in one of those notoriously affordable neighborhoods in NYC. It was huge AND cheap. But you're right, there are others and I'll just have to keep looking till I find something in my budget. I have a steady (but modest) income, and I'm looking for another job. Now I just need to get over the ex and move on. Thanks for the input.

Oct 02 11 - 10:27pm
CaitRobinson

@Liz: I once overheard an obnoxious barista at a particularly obnoxious cafe say loudly tell a friend, "I'm living with my ex right now. I mean, we hate each other, but it's New York, you know? EVERYBODY does it." She then rolled her eyes and went back to her regularly-scheduled ignoring of customers.

But she raises a good point: why NOT stick around with somebody you hate, just because you broke up and you hate them? It's New York. It's, like, THE thing to do, and that break-up angst poetry won't write itself.

Possibly to the detriment of your someday-bitter-barista career, I will send good real estate vibes your way.

Oct 01 11 - 3:25am
David

The advice for LW#2 made no sense

Oct 01 11 - 9:12am
BrosephofArimathea

Basically, when it comes out as the truth, it'll come out.

Oct 01 11 - 9:12am
blahblah

To me, it actually made perfect sense. There are no rules with "I love You" there's only your gut.

Oct 01 11 - 7:06am
anon

"It's probably not love if you're following a checklist." Well said!!

Oct 01 11 - 9:36am
LF

"Emotional octogenarian" ... ha! Love this.

Oct 02 11 - 10:17pm
CaitRobinson

@LF Thanks! Now bring me a sasparilla and I won't call the cops on you and your whippersnapper friends.

Oct 01 11 - 11:48am
snort

"I wish everyone in MY house would..." oops! Perhaps you first need to realize that, as an pseudo-independent adult, you are a guest in THEIR house. It's only YOUR house if you're still a kid being supported by your parents.

Oct 01 11 - 2:35pm
s

LW1: This is New York. There are always people looking for roommates, and some of them are even sane. Find one, even if it's in Bed Stuy or something, and tough it out until you can get something better rather than live with the 'rents. Your parents will never get it, no matter how well-meaning they are (and it sounds like they aren't trying). You will be a kid in their house as long as you are living in it.

LW2: Loved Miss Info's advice about saying it for you, not them. It's always a risk, even if they say it back. Say it when it doesn't feel like a trade, but when you need to do so.

Oct 03 11 - 10:42am
ccq

just don't move into a creepy place out of desperation. i had to wait out a couple weeks, my preferred open apartment's current roommates started emailing me creepy notes about licking my body while i was sleeping. ....yeaaaa, i'll just keep looking.
*strange footnote: gmail held those email exchanges in very high regard, and even changed my default email "name" to the guy's name. gmail is a creeper.

Oct 01 11 - 4:28pm
Liz

LW#1 writer here..thanks for the spot-on advice. A bit of time has passed and I'm coping, trying to save up for my own place and being as respectful as I can of my parents' space. Breakups suck, and breakups with a shared apartment suck more. I do believe I will live though.

Oct 01 11 - 9:07pm
nh

For LW #1, if you make a budget, you can get an idea when you'll be financially stable and able to move out. Your parents will like knowing this is a short term situation, and you can have a countdown.

Oct 03 11 - 1:26pm
Picture

Why is the girl in the photo standing on a couch in a bare room, smelling her armpit? I mean, I could read some deep symbolism in there, I guess?

Oct 05 11 - 6:04pm
Bea O'Problem

I'm touching the ceiling.

Nov 20 11 - 4:07pm
Carrie

I can alraedy tell that's gonna be super helpful.

Nov 21 11 - 1:09pm
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Nov 24 11 - 1:13pm
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