Miss Information
How do I tell my husband I'm interested in women?
by Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
Several years ago — that's right, years — I wrote to the previous Miss Info, because though I'd been happily married to a man for two years, I was having dreams about women. And while she responded that I could be bored and bi, I concentrated on the bored part. Now, I've been married many more years, have a young son, and have finally come to accept my bisexuality. (Yes, I was raised Catholic — how did you guess?)
I haven't cheated on my husband, but I do want to tell him what's going on. This summer was very painful for me, and while I'm trying hard to maintain the status quo, I think he may be starting to notice how distracted I am. Telling him would contradict every piece of advice I have solicited from friends and professionals, who don't think he can handle it. But carrying this is really taking its toll.
On the one hand, maybe he's known me long enough not to be too shocked. I mean, I've told him that I sometimes fantasize about other women. (Of course, we were naked when I told him that, so I don't know if it really sunk in.) On the other, he may become suspicious and insecure and worry that I'll leave him for a woman — friends of ours split up under those circumstances. So what do you think, current Miss Info? Do I tell him and risk it, or do I spare his feelings and keep it to myself?
— Bi, Bored, and Botched It the First Time
Dear First Time,
I'm honored you have come back to the Miss Info dynasty for guidance, and I'm high-fiving Erin now, wherever she currently is. My money is on "being hand-fed truffles by a hot pool boy."
In general, if something is weighing on you this badly, you really need to bring it up. But there's a difference between "I think I'm bisexual, but I'm committed to my life with my husband," and "I think I'm bisexual and I need the space to figure out what I want." After reading your previous question, I'm with Erin: it sounds like the bisexuality could be a bit of a red herring. Girls or not, you're fantasizing about people other than your husband, and those fantasies are becoming so intense that you are "distracted" and miserable. That seems to be the real problem here, which raises the question: what's your relationship with your husband like? Have you totally checked out — with bisexuality as a helpful excuse — or do you want to stick around and work on it?
Bring your feelings up, but be clear with yourself about what you hope to accomplish. Do you want to tell your husband, just so he knows, then go back to married life? Or do you want to tell him with the implication "this relationship isn't enough for me," or "I want to try being with a woman?" The former will be a very different conversation than the latter. Give thought to what you want before you discuss it with your husband, and it may save some heartache for both of you.
Whichever you do, don't keep it in. This is the sort of thing that will fester, and, given that your husband has "already noticed how distracted you are," bottling your feelings isn't doing him any favors, either.
Commentarium (43 Comments)
To letter-writer number 2: It's not clear from your letter whether men are literally approaching you and saying, "Want to have sex", or, after getting to know you, the men are only interested in sex and nothing else.
If it's the second situation, I can tell you I have been in it too, more than once. I don't know about you, but for me I think it's a self-esteem thing, in the sense that I've had poor boundaries in the past and have been a people-pleaser, leaving some men wit the idea that I'd be difficult in a relationship )low self-esteem, insecure) but would be willing to have sex with no strings attached (people-pleaser).
where are these horn-ball dudes? all the guys i date seem pretty indifferent towards the whole sex thing. i am sick of instigating naked times.
LW#1, I don't think your bisexuality is as ancillary a problem as the Mmes Information Sr and Jr have made it sound. Based on only one letter I could see that conclusion, but with both? Even when you are happy with your husband, and try to work on your relationship and sex life, you have persistent fantasies of being with a woman. This has continued for years, and you refer to it as "distracting" and "painful." Yes, as Cait says, you are fantasizing about people other than your husband -- but you don't say that you're fantasizing about men. Consider that you may be approaching the higher end of the Kinsey scale. This is a very difficult thing to explore from the confines of a marriage, so your trepidation makes complete sense. But you have got to start communicating honestly with your husband about your feelings and concerns, especially in terms of your bisexuality. Your husband will have his own feelings and concerns, and he may have a hard time, but you do not need to shoulder all of the burden so that your husband may have none of it. If he loves you, I doubt he would want you to do that.
And those professionals who advised you to bury your questions about your sexual orientation so your husband wouldn't have to deal with a confusing truth? They do not sound like people I'd continue to see.
Let's face it, being bi or gay is just a red herring for whatever is really wrong with your life.
Oddly, I kind of agree with you. What is it that really makes us suffer? Deep down like..
The letter writer implies that being bi requires that she not maintain her vows to be faithful.
I know many bi people who are in a relationship with one person and don't find the need to see others of whichever sex they are not currently involved with.
Basically she's looking for permission to have an affair. The bi portion is a red herring, implying that being bi requires that you maintain sexual relationships with both sexes all the time.
Don't put this down to being bi, put it down to a desire to step outside of the her current committed relationship.
Well said.
A bisexual person can be monogamous. LW #1's "problem" isn't her bisexuality, but her desire to have sex outside the marriage.
"hey babe come sit down for a bit
You know I care about you, and I am coming from a place of vulnerability here. Weve been married for this long and I love my family. I've slowly realized that I am attracted to women. Since we are partners I wanted to let you know."
If he's judges then that sucks. If he tells you he's into it then you hit jackpot. As a guy though, I don't want to share my gf with girls anyway. Its not a jealously thing, its a territory thing. Something that would have to be worked through. good luck
What should he do? If it’s an open relationship it is easy but I am going to assume it is not.
Wrong or right I think my response would be; ok, but it stays a feeling or a fantasy. How do you support this? Its no different than her having feeling for another man or men. Making the excuse of being bi or gay is a cop out.
Hmm... could you explain the difference between a "jealousy thing" and a "territory thing"? Don't think I've ever heard anyone claim there was one before...
Why does it have to be about 'jealousy" or "a territory thing". Should He say please explore with other people, I will be waiting for you when you are done, or I will support you when you want to leave me? She is the one changing the rules in the relationship, what does he owe her? I think the above conversation only exist when you tell him that you have feeling for others and you tell him you would like to separate.
If I am committing to someone I am committing everything. Having opt out clauses do not work for me. I am going to need a commitment that is both physical and emotional.
Sounds like you know what works for you, ???. That is fantastic. For you. Ms. Information was trying to help the letter writer, however, not you.
but fuck her husband!
Insert threesome in conversation -> Instant win.
While you may be right, it still boils down to the question "Will it solve your problem, or galvanize your will to leave the relationship?"
For #1, ask yourself what you want before talking. An open marriage for you to sleep with women (and does he get the same go-ahead to sleep around)? Relationships, not just fucking, with other women? 3-somes with both of you and another woman? You're leaving him? Just him to know you like women too?
There's a huge variety of "what do you want" some that are big impact, some that are little.
LW2 - Erin's advice is terrible.
Writing off the LW's experiences as simple "bad luck" is a non-answer. Obviously, since this has been happening for YEARS in every different kind of circumstance, with seemingly many different kinds of men, it's clear that there's something about the LW that is triggering this response.
My advice to the letter-writer: find some man that you trust (relative? platonic co-worker?) or if not, then a woman friend, go out to some social gathering, and ask them to stay with you and observe your interactions with men. MY guess is that within five minutes, their observation will be your "friendly" vibe is coming across as overtly sexual.
Solution: if you meet a man you think you might like, after a few minutes (before he has a chance to proposition you!), break off contact, tell him you have to go, etc., and see if he asks to see you again. If you get a real date and find that you like him, explicitly make it clear that you need time to get to know him. At a minimum that'll get you to date two before hitting the bed.
"if you meet a man you think you might like, after a few minutes (before he has a chance to proposition you!), break off contact, tell him you have to go, etc." Umm. That's how someone (male or female) acts toward someone they don't like. It's called "blowing them off" and is not normally how someone guarantees being asked on a date.
Okay, fair observation, but the LW needs to change how she's interacting with people, or at least the signals that she's apparently sending. I know it's too much to ask that she actually find someone she likes and ask him on a date, so any suggestions?
Frankly, men are weak and self-delusional, and when 'new' women are exceedingly friendly and intimate (e.g. touching, paying attention, eye contact) with them, they immediately interpret the actions to mean what they would be if it was a man performing them. The fact that guys DO want to bed you probably means you're a reasonably attractive individual; perhaps (i) you are sending the wrong vibes, or (ii) you have a boring personality that doesn't extend past the physical. You can fix both of these.
yes, this. ^
"Frankly, men are weak and self-delusional"
Uh, speak for yourself! Not all men are obtuse, nor are men any weaker or more self-delusional than women are: it's pretty much a draw, actually. If you think otherwise, you need to get better acquainted with the opposite sex.
@adam Erin? You mean me? It's cool, I'm used to being called other girls' names.
My friend is like lw 2, except it doesn't seem to bother her that much. I think she gets these "proposals" as a result of a combination of low self-esteem, being a people-pleaser, and being overtly sexual (that may have to do with the low self-esteem part). Men can tell with her that they don't need to make an effort, they just have to text her at midnight (or any other time) and she'll do the work... I guess I don't have any advice for lw 2 (or my friend), but I think the suggestion about having a friend come along when lw 2 is around men and see how she interacts with them to see what kind of 'vibe' she's giving out.
Yikes! Can I have your friend's phone number??
1, 2, 3, not only he and she, got 180 degrees and she's caught in between ...
i wish i had the second girl's "problem." all the guys i know always want to talk and cuddle and be intimate or some shit. nice shoes wanna fuck would work for me!
haha ditto!
Since occasionally the approach will work (as the above posters say of themselves), guys will keep doing it for every woman. I'm sure there is some "game theory" statistic and research that applies, rate of return and all. If I was in college, that would be a fun research project :)
There are women the whole spectrum, those posters above on the end that appreciate it, and #2 is on the opposite extreme that hates it.
The grass is always greener.
no appealing men have hit on you so you're single? you know it's nearly 2012, you can go hit on a few yourself.
It makes me sad to say it, but I think LW #2's problem is not entirely uncommon among her generation. I'm 26, and have experienced it in somewhat milder form through much of my early 20s. You can blame "hook-up culture", delayed adulthood, expectations of instant gratification, or whatever, but I think that a lot of guys in their 20s default to their college booty call patterns. It's what they know how to do, it's worked for them before, and it's the path of least resistance. It's also shitty and annoying once you're no longer in college. If you want more than a booty call, then keep shooing those guys away; they're immature and don't have the necessary communication and emotional skills to be good at a relationship. Try to look for guys with some relationship experience, and maybe guys a bit older. Not creepy older, but maybe say 31-37 if you're 28.
As others have said, I suspect that having a people-pleasing personality, low self-esteem, and being overtly sexual may have to do with it as well. Again, shoo them away: someone who thinks it's okay to take advantage of someone's self-esteem issues and desire to please purely for his/her own benefit is, again, not someone who you want to be with. The overtly sexual part is a bit harder, and more unfair. I think that sex-positive people who are open and comfortable with their sexual sides are often mistaken for being "easy", promiscuous, and having low standards for their sexual partners. It sucks and I hate that I'm even saying this, but maybe try toning down your sexuality a bit. Sometimes openness about this makes that the only thing men see about you, which is frustrating and unfair, but yeah.
Lastly, when you're someplace where you're meeting men, try to keep conversations casual and talk to both men and women. If you meet someone you like, tell him you'd like to talk more and get to know him better, and hand him your number and tell him to give you a call if he wants to get coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever. It's like giving him instructions on how to court you (which, again, he shouldn't need... but yeah), and you communicate your expectations from the start.
Good Comment.
Yup I think is the best comment so far.
I'm 22 and sadly find men lack balls and need direction 110% of the time. If you are too open and ask them out, they either take you as easy or freak out; if you wait for them to make a move , it either takes forever or they just don't get your subtle signals.
Ofc I've got some work to do, being 22 and not insanely experienced - however, I honestly think men should man up - take more risks and be less afraid of what others might or might not think. Whatever happened to the basic hunter instinct?
the advice to No. 2 seems like a bit of a cop out.
A few years ago when i was getting depressed about a string of less than positive self image enhancing dates, a friend pointed out, basically, that the only common factor between them all was me, and how i was going about meeting people.
It seems to me that changing the circumstances in which you meet guys should happen. try online dating, try dating friends of your friends, or friends of your friends' boyfriends. try something where you are meeting guys that have been pre-screened in some way.
while i've not had super success with online dating, as far as creating a long-term situation, i really do enjoy the ability to arrange quasi-blind dates. It at least removes the stage of things where 'nice shoes, wanna fuck' is likely going to come up.
For LW #1, I agree with a lot of the commenters: I think you should be honest and upfront with your husband. Good communication is a must. Plus, a partner's bisexuality is not a death sentence - you're into women too! it's hot and exciting ! - and chances are, if you don't roll it out as a problem, your husband probably won't think it is one. If he's a good partner, he'll be supportive, and if you ask, perhaps even incorporate your fantasies into your sex life (since he presumably did not react badly when you confessed your fantasies about other women) or, in a jackpot scenario, even be up for a threesome or other extracurricular fun. But the ball is pretty much in your court: decide what you want out of bisexuality and tell your husband. If you convey it as a perk and not a problem, he's unlikely to see it as the latter. (Trust me, I've been there.)
The advice for #2 was unusually lame, aside from the suggestion of having an insightful and brutally honest friend observe your actions. I've witnessed this phenomenon with a few of my female friends. They regularly received attention from a lot of guys, but not respect. It was crazy to see how each guy (even nice guys who respect other girls) just expected them to put out. And no, they actually did not put out, which automatically made them "cockteasers". UGH! LW, I don't know you at all, but here are some of the common traits I've observed with these friends (and in my own behavior too, back in college times): (1). Extraversion to the point of flirtatiousness. (2). A very palpable "I like sex but I just need love" vibe paired with a nice face and thin body. (I'm NOT talking about slutty clothes and red lipstick here.) (3). Making seemingly unintelligent conversation that dudes will tune out in favor of staring at your boobs. (I'm super guilty of this one after I've had a couple drinks.)
Anyhoo, since you do say that you have a problem with being overly friendly, let me say this: The Bitch Shield is a very real thing, well known to pretty faces all over the world. Learn to wield it!
You should consider reading the book "Sex At Dawn" with your husband, and discussing it. See how he feels about it. It might help, not only in crystallizing what you want out of your bisexuality, but also in helping remove a lot of the fear and stigma from alternative / non-monogamous relationships. That book has been enormously helpful to me and various partners I've been with.
@meh Nail on the head!
jst. another stupid bitch
Wana about u love nd sex..dont miss information .only likes this m sugess u ..
Hey, good to find seomnoe who agrees with me. GMTA.
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Now you say something