Miss Information
I'm jealous of my boyfriend's female friend. Are they closer than they should be, or am I just imagining things?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I've been with my boyfriend for a few months. Things are going well, but something's bothering me. He has a very, very close female friend. They talk to each other nearly every day, and he says he misses her when they go stretches without talking. I've met her a few times, and both of us seem slightly wary of each other.
I've always known they were very close, but they're closer than I am comfortable with, and I'm ashamed to say I know this because I read some of the text messages between them. It was a violation of trust, and it was bad. I feel guilty, but I also didn't like what I read. They jokingly text dirty things to each other, and add "hug" and "cuddle" (which are the kinds of things he and I text each other). I read bits and pieces like "I love getting your sweet texts" and "you know I <3 you." They're listed as brother and sister on facebook, and he's told me that he cares about her a lot and thinks of her "like a sister."
I can't help but feel like I'm competing with her. I wish I could talk to him, but I wouldn't be able to say exactly what I want without revealing to him the fact that I invaded his privacy. I trust him, but I don't know if I trust him completely and wholeheartedly. My imagination can run away with me sometimes, so I don't know how I should feel. I also hate how things like this take over so much headspace.
— The Other Woman
Dear The Other Woman,
Do you have a brother? I do. We're close and he is awesome, but neither of us would ever dream of tacking on texts like "hugs!" or "cuddles!" in our communication. In real life, we're more likely to fist-bump than we are to hug it out. Maybe that's just us and our prickly Protestant ways, but my point stands — your boyfriend's claim that his friend is "like a sister" rings hollow. (Unless, of course, it's the Paris in the '60s: little-known loophole.)
Maybe your boyfriend and this girl are just friends, but that doesn't excuse dirty texts. (And "<3" as a verb is never okay. Because it is lame.) Regardless of intention, their behavior is effectively driving a girl-shaped wedge between you two. You know all of this; it just sounds like you need to have it validated. If it feels like they're too close for your comfort, then they are. And if it's bothering you, you need to bring it up.
When you talk to him, center on how this situation makes you feel — "I feel insecure" or "it's hard for me to trust you" or "I feel like she and I are in competition" are all legitimate viewpoints. Whatever you do, don't sink to ultimatums like "It's her or me." She's not the issue here; the issue is your boyfriend's ability to draw appropriate boundaries. Don't get swiftboated into thinking it's a flaw in you/it's a flaw in her/socialism is a threat to America. The issue you describe — real or imagined — is about trust and security, and any partner worth his salt will take that seriously.
As a side note, you say you and his friend are "both wary of one another." If you're each eyeing the other as if she's a rabid dog, you're playing into centuries-old stereotypes about women and jealousy. And that means that both you and she are stuck in an uncomfortable situation while he gets to high-five a mirror. He may not be conscious that he's doing it, but if he refuses to smooth things over, then he's probably not worth the energy after all.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm going berserk with loneliness, boredom, and frustration. I live alone in my parents' house, in the town I grew up in, while they're waiting for it to sell. I'm unemployed and never quite good enough for anyone. I dropped out of university because I couldn't muster the motivation to actually study; while the subject matter was interesting, there was no spark, no drive, nothing that pushed me to keep going. Those skills I do have are mostly self-taught, but without a formal qualification, nobody will take me seriously.
I've never had a girlfriend; the sum total of my experiences with women are two ill-advised make-out sessions with a friend in college. I've only got a few friends, many of whom live fairly far away. It makes communication hard. Loneliness and regret have pretty much been the defining features of my life: loneliness because I've never really had many friends (I was the school nerd, bullied and ostracized); and regret because there are so many near-misses I've had, and I can't help but wonder what might have happened had I not been so lacking in confidence, or at least been able to read people's intentions better.
My handful of friends always tell me that things will improve when I get more self-confidence, or when I'm not so self-deprecating and harsh on myself. It seems, though, that those problems are self-perpetuating: I'm not confident, I try to meet people/find employment/etc., people sense I'm not confident, reject me, and my confidence falls another notch. I've spent more time than is probably healthy on introspection, and the only solution I can think of is for someone to accept me out-of-the-blue. I should point out that the lack of confidence isn't a belief that I'm not capable of anything — I know that I can probably do anything if I put my mind to it — but that anything I'm capable of doing will be utterly worthless to anyone else.
I just wish I could get out of this. What do I need to do to get a fresh start on life?
— Hometown Zero
Dear Hometown Zero,
This is a really rich letter, Hometown, and the lights it sparked in my brain are, no doubt, also lighting up other readers' brains, too. Your series of quandaries are common and relatable. You're absolutely not the only one to fall down this foxhole.
First, I want to kick down some of your misconceptions. When was the last time you heard someone fascinating attribute their success to their days on the child-beauty-pageant circuit or their prowess at underaged beer pong? Never, right? Getting picked on is horrible and unfair, but sooner or later you have to spin that torment into character. And forget the cliché that "chicks dig scars" — what we actually dig is character. (The line got left on the cutting-room floor of Fight Club, by the way.) Outcasts run the world!
And then you hit us with this: "...anything I'm capable of doing will be utterly worthless to anyone else." As long as you live in a world where NASCAR is popular and Oreo Cakesters are a thing, I doubt that you have "absolutely nothing" to contribute. Suffice it to say, Hometown, that I see many seeds of coolness in you. You already figured out what's wrong; you just need a nudge in some direction. So here's your nudge. The same rules of inertia that are making you miserable now can also be applied to improving things. Make one tiny change at a time, and good things will snowball. Opportunities don't just happen; they have to be engineered, brick by brick.
For starters, tweak your perspective. I understand that it sucks that you're living in your childhood home and that you're unemployed. But that also means you've got low overhead costs and time on your hands. Believe it or not, that's not a bad start.
From here, it's just about taking action. If motivation is a problem, choose something that you care a lot about, and fuck external praise. Have you always wanted to take a robotics class? Great! Solder it up, and don't worry about grades. Do you want to be around people? Rad, apply as a part-time bartender at TGI Friday's and try to figure out how to make Pizza Shooters sound appealing. Pick one small thing that sounds fun, jump in, and don't think twice about others' judgments. Stop defining yourself by failures, and you'll open more space for growth.
During all of this, you could probably use the backing of a good therapist. He or she can be an ally, and can help you rewrite your mental narrative. Pull yourself out of the margins and things will get infinitely easier. Still not convinced? Take it from an inspirational nerd. Just look at how happy he is.
Commentarium (67 Comments)
Wow, heavy hitters. Regarding the close-female-friend problem: that's dangerous water, tread lightly but with clear direction. My wife and I jokingly noted that if we did a wedding party, all her bridesmaids would be dudes, and my groomsmen would be ladies, and that at least one of the final cut, on both sides, had been a (fulfilled) romantic interest. So we ended up not bothering. A guy can have an honest, close relationship with a female, and in the hetero world, there's occasionally some kinda weird tensions that that causes. You concerns remain valid! Regardless, you might have to accept that this is their discourse, and it's simply a male/female bromance.
As for hometown zero -- definitely get a shrink you like and trust. Also, consider finding any path out. Start applying for jobs you could rock in other cities; or really get crazy -- find a job teaching english abroad in a program that has a decent reputation and good support system.
Also, try wrapping up a basic college degree just to have the social checkmark -- it helps, as annoying as that sounds -- but find something interesting to focus on, be it military history or a language or a science. Build on your self-taught skills.
But, seriously -- leave. Find a way into something new - new friends, a new town, a new country. It's absolutely amazing the power of changing your surroundings.
Normally I would disagree with the whole changing your surroundings theory. After all, problems follow you wherever you go, right? However, take it from someone who was stuck in a similar rut, getting out was the best thing I did for myself. I left the States and came to Europe. I had $75 in my pocket and one friend here who I barely knew but who was willing to put me up until I found my feet. It was a huge risk, it could've backfired on me tragically, but it was a risk I needed to take. It was an act of desperation and sometimes it's desperation that drives you to take action. It sounds like you're at that point, Zero. I'm not just talking about moving to another city/state/country/planet. I'm talking about ANYTHING. Don't think too much about it, don't plan it out, just go for it. Take a chance and dive in head first.
To Hometown Zero - join the army. Seriously.
Hometown Zero is exactly me, except I still live in the same house with my parents and I have 2 jobs. The girl I love found someone else and I have a lot of friends but they all have spouses/LTRs. Take it from me HZ, life is shit; I have a new motto: Never loved, never wanted. Get some tattoos and start drinking, that's the only comforts we have.
Or try to fix your life up while you still can. You know, whichever you think sounds more productive.
Nahh, the booze and tats are actually things that are possible.
What a joke. Try getting over yourself and stop viewing your tribulations as something epic. Volunteer at a homeless shelter or join the Peace Corp and get some fucking perspective.
A mopey drunk with tattoos who has shitty mottos is total girl repellent so you're definitely living a self-fulfilling prophecy in this instance.
Mr. Hometown sounds like he's clinically depressed, and has been for a while.
While some of Caitlin's advice to guy who felt like a loser was a little rah-rah and not bound to do anything for the guy, the stuff about seeing a therapist is right on. This guy sounds clinically depressed. Nothing wrong with talking to someone, perhaps getting some meds to get you on an even keel, and then see what you can do. Life will look a lot more attractive, and so will you probably. People avoid downers. And it sounds like you're unwittingly pushing people away.
Steve- you need some serious help.
I disagree. First of all, a little "rah rah" never killed anyone. A little validation from someone - even a stranger - is important. It's not a stretch of the imagination to believe that Caitlin really DOES believe this guy doesn't sound like a marginal member of society. You can pick out a lot about someone from how they write a letter. Demanding that the only way to fix what's wrong with him is through a professional or more pills down his throat has a much greater chance of being counterproductive than reminding someone they're worth a little more than they think.
A little rah rah is what the guy needs since he is lacking in that department. The truth is, if you want change you have to Courage Wolf it and go grab it and don't let go.
Hometown Zero, I'd like to suggest that you watch some vlogbrothers videos. These guys have gotten me through some hard times and motivated me to change my life just enough to be happy again: https://www.youtube.com/user/vlogbrothers#p/u/0/FyQi79aYfxU
"...that means that both you and she are stuck in an uncomfortable situation while he gets to high-five a mirror..."
Funniest sentence I've ever read in an advice column. Perfect.
Exactly what I was thinking, such a creative line! Perfectly sums up the situation.
Is there a chance LW2 might have more drive if his parents put him out on his ass? It sounds like they are feeding and housing him and basically removing any motivation he might have for doing anything on his own. They seem to even be paying for him to live in their house alone while they live somewhere else. And who paid for the college he dropped out of? The tone of his letter makes it seem as though he is expecting to find some very important task that he loves that he is the best at. For most people, this is a total fantasy. Even dream jobs are still jobs - there are going to be times when they are boring or unpleasant. That is why people get paid to do them. He should stop accepting handouts from his parents and see if self sufficiency has any affect on his self esteem.
HZ's parents are not paying him handouts. They relocated due to his father's work, and asked him to look after their old house until it sells. He has to pay them rent on the place. What HZ really wants is to just get his life on track, and be actually given a fighting chance he can run with, rather than all these half-arsed opportunities that never quite worked out. You try being unemployed and friendless in a redneck town and see how full of optimism you have 18 months later, despite trying everything to improve your situation.
I had that female friend, though not that cutesy with the texting. My fiance was really jealous.
Me and female friend, who had never laid a hand on each other even once, ended up quitting our lives on 24 hours notice in city-where-we-were and moving to city-where-we-are eight days before I was supposed to get married. The first time we had sex when we weren't officially cheating on someone, because we'd done that once like two days earlier, was on the hood of her car in the middle of the night in Idaho somewhere. AND IT OWNED.
Now it's six years later and we have, like, our dream lives and are still hopelessly in love. She is actually reading this and going "d'awwwhhh" right now.
So, TOW, this can work out totes awesomes, just, um, probably not for you.
Man, I bet your fiancee was really fucked up for awhile after that. Could you not have done the decent thing by breaking up with her and waiting a month or two before schtupping your bestie?
Gee whiz jcm, I'd be really happy for you if I had some evidence that your ex hasn't been effed up for life by your cowardice and selfishness.
So, you guys see my point for TOW then. Also, note to self, deploy more broadly satirical tone for literal-minded commenters.
In the real world fuck yes it was a shitty thing for us to do. But based on the stuff in the letter and the probable fact that everyone involved is 25ish, TOW probably is the college-to-real life transition-first-really-serious girlfriend who has been 'leading' the relationship forward, I would say that unless she backs out now there is like a ninety per cent chance TOW is going to end up like my ex. There are just too many cards against her. So, like I said, you get my point.
This situation has happened to my sister, twice. She's been the bestie of whom some guy's girlfriend has been jealous. And it's been justified both times, btw. TOW can talk to her BF and make nice with the bestie all she wants, if that'll ease her mind. But neither one is going to fess up to what everyone pretty much knows - bestie and BF have deeper feelings for each other than either one is willing to admit right now.
Agreed wit CG. The texts are NOT appropriate, and regardless as to how the BF truly feels towards his female friend, she definitely feels something for him, or is threatened by this new girl. Boundaries are clearly needed. Jcm800, you're a jerk-off, and none of your advice is constructive.
HZ, what are the volunteer opportunities in your area? if you can't get hired, volunteer work is a great way to build skills and meet people. And it really is true that the best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to go help someone else.
I used to have a job where a big part of it was helping others,and while it was a nice distraction,it didn't necessarily make me feel better about myself for helping others. Oh sure,I was good at it,but I didn't get the magical feeling you all describe.
I think it's good advice. Maybe that's because you're still too self-absorbed, Irelate...
@lb: solid point. Even if you only volunteer 5 hours a week, having a purpose for those five hours is worth its weight in gold (and/or clichés.)
Hometown should start a workout routine. I'm not saying he's fat -- I couldn't possibly know from his letter. But working out is a great way to dig your way out of a mild depression (endorphins, etc.), build self-esteem, and meet people (at the gym, running at the park, etc.). And he should realize that LOTS of people don't even like their jobs, but a job can be a means to an end. Being an adult means paying for your own housing, the electricity, the water, the trash, the internet, your own food, the gas for your car, and so on. Honestly... grow the fuck up! I bet when he does, more women will be interested in dating him.
Good advice. A lot of people have pulled themselves out of similar holes. The great thing about exercise is you get out of it exactly what you put in. Zero risk, linear reward.
TOW: Do him a favor, have an argument then go away for a few weeks. He will fuck her, realize he's in love with her, and you will be out.
If you don't then here's what will happen. Lots of bullshit. Lots of angst, pain and drama. Then you will be out.
Buck Nasty is a moron. Why bother with arguing with him? Just dump him. He is not worth it. I can guarantee you, if you dump him he will certainly come crawling back. Do not take him back. He's the type of person that always needs several girls (even if it is just two right now) around him to adore him. He will repeat this pattern even if he gets married and has children. Guaranteed.
This chick doesn't have the balls/maturity to dump the guy. The fake "argument" just provides the grease to get this bullshit flowing downhill. That's where its going.
My POS ex-husband had that close female friend. I was the "cool" girlfriend who was always ok with his shitty boundaries. He was in love with my best friend & I was too scared of losing them both to stop them. Because of his shennanigans I got permission to fuck someone else and instantly discovered that there's no point to staying with POS ex when there are SO many men out there who would love only me. Slightly later I found one. It's awesome. So is telling everyone about his affair. There is still a LOT of internal pain though... not worth it... DTMFA.
Yup.Sure do. I went on meds,and they have helped. Don't mean to sound like meds for everyone all the time,just saying what's worked for me. I mean,his story is exactly like mine,and it's hard to be optimistic about things when you're always so angry about alot.
1) I fuckin' love Oreo Cakesters.
2) I have a close male friend who I think of as a brother. We talk frequently, text each other willy inappropriate things, adding "hugs" or similar ironically, because we like to pretend we're sorority girls. He's gay, I'm a lesbian. No one should feel threatened, except maybe my biological brothers.
Similarly, not too long ago, a group of my gay male friends decided to sext me as a joke. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, folks.
Except you and your gay boyfriend are not attracted to each other sexually. He's not even attracted to people of your gender. Other than that, yes, this is exactly the same...
Hometown Zero - there are a couple of ways out of this. One is to leave your comfort zone completely. Join the Peace Corps or some other extreme as others have hinted, putting you in a situation where you HAVE to get better, or you won't survive. Right now, you always have your parents' house and support to fall back on. What if you didn't?
The other is less extreme but takes longer. That is to build your self-confidence slowly. Start by doing something you can be fairly sure you'll be successful at. Maybe you couldn't handle being a full-time student, but could you take just one course at a local community college and complete it? It doesn't even have to be an "important" course, just something fun. While you're there, show up a few minutes early for each class and practice "small talk" with the other students or instructor. As you have a few successes, start to stretch yourself a little, trying for a little bit more. If you can, try to arrange for these experiments to not reflect on you as a person if they fail. For example, do you know that "Talking to Strangers" column on Hooksexup? Could you imagine being the one actually doing those interviews? Do you think the interviewers get those conversations out of the first six people they talk to? Of course not, there are always going to be people who don't want to share the intimate personal details of their lives with everyone on the Internet. When the interviewers get a refusal, they don't beat themselves up, telling themselves what bad interviewers they must be. They just realize it's understandable that someone might not want to be featured, and move on to the next one. Try to see your failures like this, rather than an indication that you're worthless.
Small quibble - I just want to point out that Peace Corps is not a realistic option for this guy to get outta town. They are not in the business of sending random people into other countries for the heck of it - it is quite competitive to get in. They want Peace Corps volunteers to be successful ambassadors for American ideals; folks will who make a real impact on the country in which they serve. Therefore, the volunteers who make it through the selection and training process are usually people who are very motivated, high-achievers, with good people skills and solid academics (i.e. people who did well in college, even if they haven't figured out where they are headed next in life). This guy is not there yet.
However, I think that overall, your advice is quite good. I have struggled with depression throughout my life. Although I am doing very well right now, and have a lot to be proud of, I know what it is like to feel as badly as LW2. The only thing that got me out of those dark periods was to make a tiny change at a time, and to be patient with myself. I also agree with the person who suggested hitting the gym - it's the first thing my therapist recommended, and it really did make a difference. At the very least, dedicating time to working out each week got me into a routine and gave me a sense of normalcy. Then the endorphins really did make a difference and I started looking forward to the gym.
Hometown Zero - https://www.lesswrong.com Start with the sequences, read everything. You can take it from there.
One of my best friends is a straight man and we tell each other we love each other all the time (he is also completely fulfilled in his relationship with his girlfriend) because well, that's the way we feel about each other. Apart from family, he's the closest I've ever come to loving a man, even though there's no attraction between us. We don't text each other dirty things, but we do ask each other what would be considered inappropriate/intimate things by other people. Agreeing with Alana on "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" here.
Still, TOW, if you're feeling insecure, then like Cait said, bring it up with him.
I dated a guy from my job who was "best friends" with a girl from a different department. She even encouraged him to ask me out. We dated, and I thought things were going well. Then he just dropped me with no warning. Did not talk to me, call me, text me...nothing...even though I saw him at work. He did his best to stay away from me. It turns out, at that same time, she left her husband. A few short months later, she officially divorced and they threw up their "couplehood" on FB. This was February. They got married Memorial Day weekend.
So, my advice is to get the hell out now, on YOUR terms. It will NOT get better.
TOW - Do not blame yourself for imagining things. If you have a nagging feeling that something's up between them, you're probably right...it's just your woman's instincts.. I was in a very similar situation with a guy for 2 years. Over the course of our relationship, I drove myself crazy with paranoia that something was going on between him and his best girl friend. I finally got a hold of his phone one night and saw how much they were in contact with each other, and I confronted him afterwards. We tried to patch it up but broke up two weeks later. Those two years were probably the most painful, miserable, angst-ridden period of my life because that relationship affected everything else because all my energy and focus went into trying to save our relationship - work, school, and my relationships with other people all suffered. If I could go in the past and tell myself one thing when those fears and doubts starting popping up, just as I am telling you now, it would be GET OUT while you still can. It's not worth the pain that you will go through during the relationship, and after the relationship ends (and it will). It doesn't matter how wonderful, how perfect he seems to be. If he doesn't care about you and your relationship enough to focus all his romantic attention on you, he is not worth it, and any future you manage to have together will be full of suspicion and resentment.
I guarantee you there is a man out there who will truly love you even more than this guy - someone you can trust completely and who won't put you through this kind of BS. I really hope you can find it within yourself to leave this guy so that you can find that man and build a healthier relationship. Best wishes.
It won't last between you, and not necessarily because he's going to run away with her (though he might).
I LOVED my old roommate. But he was only, and ever, my friend. He dated one girl for a while, who was actually also a friend of mine, and I always felt weird and competitive when she was around. After they broke up, he told me that she was very jealous of me (she and I are still glad to see each other, so obviously, no one had her heart too much broken).
The woman he eventually married, I LOVED her. I wanted to ask her out to lunch and just ditch him. They were perfect together, I loved them apart, I loved them together, and they were just crazy happy with one another. The only time I felt a little rueful was when they were about to move in together, because I lost my roommate, and he was ready to move on with his life, and my life wasn't really moving on.
So, sad to say, you two probably won't last, even if she isn't the one that comes between you.
I LOVE that Bill Haverchuck is the "inspirational nerd." Even though in those pictures he was laughing hysterically by himself, watching a show, I remember admiring his optimism even though much of his situation was shitty. Keep your chin up, Hometown Zero!
@Denise: Word! And then Bill grew up to be Roman DeBeers! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgrpiLJEVl0) Though both characters canceled far, far before their times. Still. Magnicifent.
just wondering what you readers think about her checking his text messages. i discovered something on my boyfriend's facebook and i dont know how to confront him about it because i know that even though he was doing something waaay wrong he will be pissed at me for violating his privacy....
Do not violate someone's privacy. It's not just that it's a shitty thing to do (because it is), but it will end up driving you crazy. It won't help solve things, it will put you more at odds with each other and, more importantly, yourself. Even in my case- I had a boyfriend who was involved in illegal activities and it was important for me to know that he was putting my house in danger. I snooped but all I received was a crappy feeling, even though I was right. So what if I was right? You don't want to be big brother and cyber/tech sleuthing is not a replacement from good boundaries and honesty in a relationship. If you are at the point of having to look at their texts/facebook to find out important things, you are at the point where the relationship is broken beyond repair.
it seems like all the commenters think the other woman's situation will turn bad, so i have to chip in and say it might not.
my best friend and i dated for 2.5 years and amicably broke up because the relationship was somewhat long-distance (he lived two hours away and we both became busy enough that we could only see each other once or twice a month, which wasn't cutting it for me). after a short cooling-down/getting-over-it period, we became really close again, but there's no spark at all between us. we call each other family and think of each other as siblings; the idea of seeing each other naked makes us go "ew". we definitely hug and say "i love you" to each other, but we don't cuddle (though if he had always been a friend and not an ex i might with cuddle with him too). several years later he's married and i'm single, and it's always been cool. his wife and i love each other too.
i'd go with cait's advice. bring it up to him. he might not have any problem with what he's doing, and he might be telling you the truth, but if he's not willing to compromise at least a little out of respect for your feelings then that's a big red flag and he should be ditched anyway.
HZ:
Prozac
Good therapist
Exercise program
Some structured activity...part-time job, volunteering, something
This is not a "problem." This a series of symptoms of a serious disease ("depression") that can be life-threatening. Get thee to a therapist. Do not get into some kind of weird discussion about costs, whether you "believe" in therapy, or any other such bullshit. Those are themselves symptoms.
People die from depression. Really. If you cut an artery you wouldn't be carefully considering your options. You'd go to a doctor. This is exactly the same thing. Get professional help. Now.
Yes!
All medication does is change the brain chemistry, it doesn't ultimately solve the problems that led to HZ getting in the situation he's in. Not worth it.
Exercise probably wouldn't go astray, nor would some structured activity.
As for finding a good therapist, bear in mind he states that he lives in the small town he grew up in, so options are probably limited. What if the only therapist he has access to is someone he doesn't feel comfortable talking to?
TOW, I have to disagree with the "ditch him immediately" crowd. This deserves some conversation at least before a relationship is trashed.
I have had close women friends since before college- friends with whom I have never been sexual (and a couple whom I have been, but it's in the past) with whom I discuss all manner of things, including off-color humor, how men and women experience sexual things, etc. I often sign "Love, Rob" but I also do that with male friends- because it is true. No lover, or my wife of many years, has ever batted an eye, because I have been straight up about who's who.
I assume that he is spending his nights with you and not her, right? So if he were to be doing the nasty with her in broom closets, she'd have to be more than a little weird to allow herself to be used like that.
The notion that men cannot be trusted to keep their hands off any available woman is insulting crap, "When Harry Met Sally" notwithstanding. I could easily spend the night in a hotel room with any of several women friends, say, on a business trip, without any discomfort on anyone's part. This ain't 1940.
What does raise a red flag is that you and the friend are icy with each other, so conversation is warranted, and it need not reveal that you snooped. (Which you will not do again, because you have learned that you will find information out of context that only makes you worry more.) Just say to him that you "get a hostile feeling from the bestie, and this makes [me] feel uncomfortable. I'd like you to tell me whether you two have ever been more than friends because that would explain it." If he assures you that it is strictly fraternal and platonic (even if there was something in the past), then approach her, saying that you think it strange that you two seem to be on edge when you are around each other and you'd like it to be otherwise because "my boyfriend obviously likes you and we ought to try to get along."
It could be something as simple as that she does not think you are good for him and disapproves of the match. If so, and if she chooses to remain hostile, you are going to have to tell him can't, for your own well-being, put up with having her lurking around, poisoning the air between you. She will then have forced him to make a choice, which choice will tell you what you need to know. Whatever it is, conversation will probably out it.
Just come out and say it. Enough of this angst, and potentially ditching a relationship (and maybe a friendship with her too) without knowing all the facts!
R
Rob, you are my hero and if it was anatomically possible, I'd have your babies!!!
Well said, sir! I, too, have a slightly better take on the situation than the majority of commenters. One of my besties is a straight guy whom I was very attracted to for a very long time. He and I talked it out and decided that being in a relationship was definitely not the right thing for us, and I got over the attraction part and we have remained totally platonic besties.
Then, I met this amazing, wonderful, beautiful man who is so perfect for me in every fathomable way, and I fell head over heels in love with him. Pretty soon after we started dating, he started asking some probative questions about my hetero bestie, and I could tell the seeds of jealously were trying to plants themselves in his brain. In fairness to my BF, I am a very openly affectionate person and never hesitate to tell people that I love them, and my hetero bestie and I do a lot of collaborative things together, go on road trips together, and otherwise do things that could seem threatening to even the most secure, open-minded BF in the world.
So, to nip that in the bud, he and I had a very frank, open conversation about my past and current feelings for Hetero Bestie, and we talked about ways that I could help him feel more secure in our relationship. Since then, everything's been peachy. If your dude isn't willing to do the same for and with you, then that's probably more of a red flag than the relationship and the texts and all that. But, no, him having a hetero bestie is not necessarily the death knell of your relationship.
Just because you "discuss all manner of things, including off-color humor, how men and women experience sexual things, etc." without ever fucking these women doesn't make it any less inappropriate if you're discussing those things while in a relationship with another woman.
Yes there should realize the opportunity to RSS commentary, quite simply, CMS is another on the blog.
7v88K8 Heartfelt thanks!!!
Is anybody strong in radio here? We need a colleague who would tell us briefly about the transistor T2. I hope there are radio amateurs here. If it`s not on the subject at all, then I`m sorry. I have to write because I have no choice. PS: if the spelling is not right then also I'm sorry, I'm just 13 years old...
Cool:) I would say say it exploded my brain!!!
I serched through the internet and got here. What a wonderful invention of the mankind. With the help of the network you communicate, learn, read ... That helped us to get acquainted...
I am glad that your blog is constantly evolving. Such posts only gain in popularity...
I do`t see a feedback or the other coordinates from the blog administration...
Author +111
Many many quality potnis there.
YQUKno pdwkhgdnvodt
QlKh2C ufdhlrihmxqs
Now you say something