Dear Miss Information,
I have a special friend that I sex-cam with. We've never met in person. He wants to meet up and have me give him oral sex. He says it's not cheating on his spouse. I disagree with him on that second one, but does the sex-camming itself constitute cheating? I need to know for my sake. I do not want to come between him and his wife. If it's cheating, then I'll stop. — Watched One
Dear Watched One,
Sex-camming with someone who's not a professional — i.e., who's employed through a multi-client website and getting a paycheck for displaying their naughty bits — absolutely is cheating. Not the worst kind of cheating, and nowhere near as horrific as your use of the term "special friend." (Hold on — donning surgical mask and swabbing keyboard down with multi-spectrum hospital-grade antiseptic — there, all set.) But still: not exactly relationship-appropriate behavior.
But why, Miss Info? You're not touching the other person. How is that any different than looking at a spank movie? Well, for starters, watching clips and looking at pictures are one-way experiences. If all of a sudden Joanna Angel stops what she's doing and invites you over to go down on her, chances are you've been stroking it for too long without a break. Time to unglue your fingers from your genitals and call your mom. Trim the hedges. Get some Chipotle.
This problem with this kind of relationship is that it has the opportunity to escalate. Which is what you're seeing right now with your special friend. (BTW, can we just call him Frank?). "Frank" wants to go beyond the cyber stuff and move the party offline. It sounds like you have some serious qualms about that. I would give Frank the ol' skeeve-ho and find a new friend to cam with. I know we're not signing up to bring the casserole to the church social here. You're horny, it's not you who's married, and sometimes it's hard to find guys in this particular niche. Advertise up-front that you'll only play with single men or those with informed partners. Don't respond when rule-breakers contact you, even if they're so hot your clit threatens to climb out of your panties and smack you in the teeth. If you do that, and diligently avoid all offline meet-ups, you should be able to camera-come until your heart's content.
Dear Miss Information,
I am engaged to be married next year. I'm a very loving and considerate guy who has never cheated on any of his girlfriends. I would hate to hurt my fiancée. She is my best friend and a terrific match. However, even before being engaged, I've always checked out chicks, harmlessly flirted with girls at work and I have constant triple-X scenarios running in my head. Does that mean I should have sowed my wild oats growing up? I pretty much know the answer but I need validation. I'm already invested in a great relationship with a great girl. I don't intend to walk away because of some foolish idea that I could make these thoughts go away by bedding someone. — Internal Shrink
Dear Internal Shrink,
You're asking if it's okay to be sexually aroused by women other than your girlfriend? Yes. Let me rephrase that — fuck yes. Consider this your all-access pass.
Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you confine your fantasies to your significant other. Sure he/she may make a cameo appearance alongside the helicopter pilot and tattooed red-headed twins, but you don't have to be all "Ooooh baby, fuck me like you fucked me last week! Yeah, that's right. Do exactly what I expect!" As sex columnist, I've seen a lot of out-there stuff in my day, but that's just sick.
The urge to cheat is a feeling and there's no way to inoculate against it. The oats-sowing argument is, and always will be, bullshit. There's no magic number of partners or specific set of experiences that will, once completed, guarantee you won't stray in the future or prevent you from feeling like you've missed out. Even if you made a list and checked off every last one, your sexuality will continue to grow and change. What turns you on now won't be the same as what turns you on in twenty years. Thank God, or some of us would still be masturbating to Fonzie.
I would look seriously at how excited you are about marrying this woman (are there happy pink butterflies or cold knots of dread?) and not let guilt over something like this hamper your judgment. You sound like one of Miss Information's most favorite creatures — a neurotic erotic, a sensitive perv.
Dear Miss Information,
I am in a truly wonderful relationship with someone I know I'll spend the rest of my life with. The problem: He has a large amount of porn on our shared computer. It's not anything over the top, just normal run-of-the-mill videos of naked girls, but it hurts me like a knife to the heart. He keeps the contents password protected. I feel like he's not sharing a part of his life. I would love to watch this stuff with him; I see it as chance to get a window into what other things he would like from me sexually — what he'd like me to look like, dress like, act out. But when I mention this (or, more frequently, cry about how it is taking a chunk of my self-esteem and flushing it down the toilet), I get a wall of silence in response. He will never allow me access to this section of the computer. Never.
He tells me it has nothing to do with me. He says I am gorgeous, that he is incredibly turned on by me, and I believe him. Still, the porn bothers me. I want to know what he gets from watching this stuff and seeing pictures of other girls. I know I should just let it go and not make a big deal of this, but I just don't know how to go about it. — SM
Dear SM,
Porn isn't for sharing. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Porn is for sharing, but it should be shared freely, not under a state of psychological duress. You can't demand access to a personal, psychologically loaded possession and expect a cheerful handover.
The intentions are noble, but let's face it: there's no way you're going to feel good about everything that's in that folder. I'm sure you'll find some of it's titillating, but the anime girls pushing mollusks up their vaginas you might regard as really fucked up.
But it's his fucked up. Not yours. Just because he enjoys looking at it doesn't mean he wants to introduce it into his reality. Sure, there may be certain scenarios he's interested in actually carrying out. But he'd rather approach it on his own terms, when he's ready, than be prodded into it by a partner.
Your boyfriend is a human and will occasionally have sexual thoughts that don't involve you. I don't know what else to say but sorry. That's the way the boner bounces. No doubt that makes you a little freaked and jealous, and baby girl, I'm with you. Years ago I gave my ex endless grief about his porn collection. Crying jags, accusations, threats. I'd tell him I was okay with everything, then change my mind seconds later.
I found the best way to deal with all this was to just give up. Adopt an attitude of, "Fuck it. I don't care anymore," and stop letting it dominate your thoughts. Can't do that? Fine, fake it. Trying is better than not trying. Keep reminding yourself that thinking about this shit is fruitless and boring. Eventually you'll get to the point where it doesn't bother you as much. You may even go the route I did and start a dirty library of your own. (Just in case you're curious, I have some crazy clips of gay dudes self-fellating, but sadly, no mollusks).
Your boyfriend's not entirely off the hook here. It's selfish of him to refuse to watch porn with you. Not everyone's comfortable with it, but he owes it to you to at least try. Create a new folder on your desktop, one that contains smut the two of you searched out together. Make a deal: you will stop bugging him about his smut cache if he agrees to be an enthusiastic participant in this new venture.
Ultimately, fearing this stuff is about as sensible as fearing killer bunny rabbits or the boogeyman. He's not in love with these porn stars, he's never going to meet these porn stars and he doesn't think about these porn stars when he's not watching them. You're the one doing that, not him. Perhaps your guy should be jealous of you instead?
Commentarium (40 Comments)
Wrong Miss Info. The porn-watching boyfriend is entirely off the hook here. Unless she starts completely covering-up the "knife to the heart" sentiment. And stops crying about flushed self-esteem to him. All that stuff has to be in private if she actually wants to explore porn with him. ----------
He has zero obligation to sit down with an emotional land mine who has already told him numerous times that said sitting-down will result in horrible pain and destroyed self-esteem. Like he wants to get into that situation. And deal with how insanely out of control she'll get over it. ----------
"Hi honey, watching this horribly kills me...what do you think about us sitting down and watching some together?" Uh, yeah, right. ----------
If she really feels he's not sharing, and she'd love to watch it with him, then THOSE are the only feelings she should be representing to him if she ever wants it to actually happen. ----------
Ok, she could also say "it makes me a little uncomfortable but I really want to get closer to you". But that's as negative as she can be. ----------
Depending upon how long she's been hammering away [negatively] about porn, it may take months or even years of a new attitude on her part before she gets what she wants. A few weeks of new behavior on her part will still leave him feeling like opening-up this activity is most likely akin to pulling the pin on a hand-grenade. It will take time for him to believe her new attitude is staying and not just a thin layer over a land mine that'll blow anyway.
I don't think the sex cam thing is cheating. But I do think it was inappropriate for him to try to bring it offline. That is cheating.
I really love your work, but I think you seriously dropped the ball on this one. As a native Californian whose staple food is Mexican, telling a chronic masturbator to "get some Chipotle" is incredibly damaging to the palette and the soul. In the future, please refrain from giving such irresponsible advice to the vulnerable people who come to you for help. Seriously. Chipotle is just awful.
guys like porn. sometimes it's private. guys like porn. guys like porn. it has nothing to do with you. guys like porn.
I don't know about that, Bart. An ex of mine was doing that to me and I assure you, it hurt just as much to find out if he had gone out and fucked someone else. There is a weird emotional connection and it made me feel just fucking AWFUL.
re: clara-hilarious! and so true. SM sounds like one of those girls who never masturbated and now has this ridiculous idea of a sex life being one where her partner gently makes love to her while they ride on the back of a white horse through fields of daisies. in other words, bullshit. SM needs to stop obsessing and start having a private sex life of her own. every one should masturbate (with or without porn, dildos, props, whatever gets you off, etc.) and allow themselves to have private fantasies that don't include their sexual partner(s). stop reading Twilight SM and go buy a vibrator.
I'm a chick, I love porn, my fella loves porn, and we love watching it together. No self esteem issues, no hang ups, no negative consequences, unless of course you consider intense arousal followed by mind blowing sex a negative consequence.
Really, I just don't get the porn argument. It's NORMAL.
Why does a guy who can fellate himself, have to be gay? I'd bet a lot of straight guys would blow themselves if they could... it's like the old joke, "If I had tits, I'd never leave the house..."
yea, i remember this porn watching bf comment. i guess it's popular? dtmfa. there's plenty of guys who aren't into porn.
ecj - hahahhaaha...cc - there aren't plenty of guys who aren't into porn. if they tell you they're not into porn they're probably lying and hiding it from you. be real. guys like porn. always have. always will.
probably a vast majority of men are into porn, but i dated one who wasn't into porn, which was rather embarrassing since i was into porn. anyway, the point is, they do exist, they are just rare.
The difference between porn and sex cams is that porn is a one-person activity. Although you are still masturbating when using a sex cam (or a phone sex line for that matter), you are still engaging in a sexual relationship WITH ANOTHER PERSON and therefore it constitutes cheating in my book. It's even worse when you are continually chatting with the same person and getting to know them personally. It's the personalization of it all that makes the impact a lot deeper than with just porn.
"I see it as chance to get a window into what other things he would like from me sexually — what he'd like me to look like, dress like, act out." Translation: I am going to cry about how I don't look like Katie Morgan and must therefore be repulsive to you.
My boyfriend has told me one lie in our relationship. It was at the beginning, and he said he never watched porn. I believed him. I was wrong. 5 years later, I found his stash. It was granny porn. Now I see why he denied its existence. I think he's embarrassed by his kink. It is the one kink that will get people laughing AT you. So, I've ignored it. As far as I'm concerned, its his. It probably excites him because its secret. I'm not going to take that away from him. Besides, my kink is fat girls (like me). I'm not about to tell him that. I just thank god for a 3some I had, and bring it to mind whenever I need it.
All this "ignore it" advice reminds me of the 50s, when we were supposed to ignore affairs because "all men cheat."
Not all guys are into porn, lots of chicks *are* into porn, porn makes some people insecure but not others, and on top of all that, porn itself is not homogeneous. Some of it is creepy or icky, and some is fun or sexy.
People aren't homogeneous either -- sometimes they're into it and other times they're not in the mood.
What really should be addressed is his and your porn management skills -- your communication and vulnerabilities around porn. He's set up mysteriousness six ways from Sunday, so yeah, of course you're wondering what's behind that password. And you are so overwhelmed by your pain and insecurities that of course he doesn't want to make it worse. You're trying too hard to reach through your pain, when instead you should be trying to heal your pain.
Think about what *you* want in a relationship. What you find sexy. Think about what you find sexy about yourself. And sexy about a guy. And whether or not you even want to be in a relationship with porn guy. Not only are there non-porn guys out there, there are guys with great communication skills around porn. They don't keep it locked up and refuse to talk about it, or let you accidentally discover it and be freaked out. And they tell you that you are beautiful and give you all kinds of details around that -- sexy things you do, wear, look like, and are. Things they love about you.
They love having sex with you and love playing around or being romantic or being hot with three ts -- and their porn is no big deal because it's not a creepy secret and it doesn't seem to replace real sex with you.
Get some books about sex, read more columns (like Savage Love, although always, always, read the feminist responses from real women), and seriously think about moving on to relationship with more sexual compatibility.
Which, as you can probably guess, is what I did after a decade of feeling stabbed with pain, wanting to be good enough, willing to sacrifice my own feelings in order to get approval...it was horrible. After I left, I found out that even the guys with porn were able to take in that I had pain around it -- they could talk to me, they could take porn or leave it, they could be open with me -- I find it hard to describe how radically different my post secret-porn-guy relationships are. Suffice to say there's something better out there for you. Far better than you can imagine right now.
Jesus fucking Christ. I don't fucking care what any "Miss Information" (yeah right - MISinformation) considers "cheating" or "not cheating", because you know what? It is all a steaming pile of bullshit.
The whole "relationship" idea where it is like "forbidden" to engage in sexual acts with "someone else" is CRAP. It's from THE DEVIL. It SUCKS BIG FUCKING BALLS.
NOBODY SHOULD EVER ENTER THAT KIND OF IDIOT RELATIONSHIP. IT DESTROYS YOUR SEX LIFE, YOUR FREEDOM AND LONG TERM: ALL OF YOUR JOY.
DON'T DO IT. STAY FREE.
And, damn, "Miss Information", that crap you wrote in answer to the porn question? That was also GARBAGE.
"Maybe he should be jealous of you"? Are you kidding me?
PORN IS GOOD. RELATIONSHIPS ARE BAD. JEALOUSY IS ABSOUTELY UNNECESSARY AND GOES AWAY THE MOMENT YOU ABANDON THE ASS-BACKWARDS 'RELATIONSHIP' IDEA.
Why are people so angry this week? I thought you had some solid points, MI.
Porn happens. Some people like that it happens. Some people aren't willing to admit that they like it. Some people are disgusted by it. The latter are people who have issues with their own sexuality, but I won't get into it. If her man's porn is wreaking such an emotional toll on her, the answer is really quite simple. Either she truly wants to jump on and enjoy the porn train, whatever it may be, writing, film or pictures. There aren't different degrees of porn. I used to have a girlfriend who would get so worked reading Forum letters she'd have to put a washcloth in her panties. Pictures or film? Did nothing for her. Now if the letter writer is one of those disgusted by porn and will never understand it, she's better off going and finding someone as repressed as herself.
AS far as that first letter, Watched One, do you want your significant other doing what you're doing? Do you tell him about your online adventures or hide it from him? If you don't want him jacking off while interacting with a real woman, and you're hiding what you're doing, IT'S CHEATING PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Got it? You're cheating. That's what your relationship has come down to.
Porn happens. Some people like that it happens. Some people aren't willing to admit that they like it. Some people are disgusted by it. The latter are people who have issues with their own sexuality, but I won't get into it. If her man's porn is wreaking such an emotional toll on her, the answer is really quite simple. Either she truly wants to jump on and enjoy the porn train, whatever it may be, writing, film or pictures. There aren't different degrees of porn. I used to have a girlfriend who would get so worked reading Forum letters she'd have to put a washcloth in her panties. Pictures or film? Did nothing for her. Now if the letter writer is one of those disgusted by porn and will never understand it, she's better off going and finding someone as repressed as herself.
AS far as that first letter, Watched One, do you want your significant other doing what you're doing? Do you tell him about your online adventures or hide it from him? If you don't want him jacking off while interacting with a real woman, and you're hiding what you're doing, IT'S CHEATING PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Got it? You're cheating. That's what your relationship has come down to.
The tools you use to "get there" are your business, period. It's a private thing.
Miss Info gives an excellent answers throughout, but for the last letter-writer I think another point needs to be made. Here's the bottom line, from your boyfriend's perspective. See this?
"...I see it as chance to get a window into what other things he would like from me sexually — what he'd like me to look like, dress like, act out. But when I mention this (or, more frequently, cry about how it is taking a chunk of my self-esteem and flushing it down the toilet..."
That right THERE is why your boyfriend will never share his porn with you. Because you aren't interested in finding out what it is to him -- you've assigned your own value and MEANING to it, and worse, linked it to your self-esteem issues. Your boyfriend wants no part of having to constantly shore up your feelings every time you see a new thing in his porn that you think he wants from you, but doesn't. Your boyfriend knows that opening his porn to you is an ENDLESS well of resources for you to find more and more ways to critique yourself against his porn. After all, critiquing yourself is your favorite pastime, I'm guessing.
No guy with a girlfriend with low-self-esteem is going to let her near his porn collection, because of COURSE he doesn't want all of what's there from YOU. If he did, he would be with a porn star. Or a prostitute. He wants you -- just the way you are, not constantly striving to be something you're not and something he would no longer want. Interested in trying new things he might like in the bedroom? ASK HIM ABOUT IT. Stop trying to read his mind through your obsession with his porn.
p.s.: "Stefan" may win the award for highest sheer volume of stupidity in any recent comment. Congrats, Stefan.
There are billions of men in the world. Not all of them watch porn. My boyfriend doesn't. He's not weird or repressed or hiding it from me - it just doesn't do anything for him anymore. People need to stop generalizing. Just because the people you've met in your limited experience watch porn, doesn't mean that is representative of the entire world.
Also, I'm trying to figure out why it is that since porn became so accessible because of the internet its something that women have to accept. Men "have to" watch it. As far as I know, man has survived a very, very long time without a daily porn fix. No one has to accept the excuse that men "need" it if they don't want to. If you are with a guy that feels its his right to watch porn against your wishes, hold out for one who doesn't. You'll be so much happier.
ricochet, i think the letter writer you're referring to is not in a relationship, but wants to know if her "special friend" is cheating on his spouse... she does not have a spouse, and is therefore not cheating on anyone.
Casey: Yes, your boyfriend IS, in fact "weird or repressed or hiding it from you."
I guarantee it.
You're seriously giving other people advice about cheating?
I LOVE porn. I don't understand why women feel threatened by it at all. All the women in Hollywood movies are better looking than most women. Do you not let him go to the movies either? After all, he will see someone prettier than you! I don't get it. And the men in porn have bigger dicks than you boyfriend, I guarantee it. So he can feel inadequate too. :-)
MW - Are you suggesting you are aware of the internal desires and needs, likes and dislikes, turn ons and turn offs of each and every one one of the billions of men on the planet? I don't know why you believe you can guaruntee something like that, but I can guarantee that if my boyfriend met you he'd think you were a pretentious idiot trying to dazzle everyone with your intellectual brilliance on a dating advice website.
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You know what I'm sick of? "Guys like porn because they're guys."
Better: "Humans like porn because they're humans." Making this a men vs. women thing just makes women feel worse about it. Find some porn that turns you on, OP. Would men feel the same if their girlfriends watched porn exactly as often as they did, if every porn featured only scenarios that catered to women (how about no shots of the woman's face or body, gratuitous boy-on-boy, etc.) and if they felt slightly uncomfortable and not turned on or inadequate, someone was sure to stand up and say it was because "women just like porn, get over it"?
Before the Victorian era, it was women who were renowned as horn dogs who never wanted to leave the bedroom, while men were above such base earthly desires. Sex is for everybody, and I think a good dose of learning and history would do everyone a fuckload (no pun intended) of good.
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