Eugene Mirman, 35
https://eugenemirman.com/

What's the best way to pick up a comedian?
It depends where they are in their career. If they're just at the beginning, you can offer to buy them socks. That would probably cover it. And in the middle, you could either recognize them or pretend to recognize them, and they would be delighted. And then at the highest echelons, you would ignore them or be mean, say you've never heard of their movies, something like that.

So what's the best way to pick up Eugene Mirman?
I have a girlfriend, so the best way is to stay back. Or just be super sneaky. I don't know — to be a kind, warm person. With twenty-five pound knockers. Each. So fifty pounds of knockers. Probably a nine-to-ten-foot woman.

What has doing comedy taught you about dating?
That people out there just want to connect with someone for a minimum of one evening. But a maximum of four evenings.

You regularly give advice on your website — what's one thing that everyone seems to get wrong when it comes to dating?
Probably they don't understand that people — it's funny, I think I was trying to really answer the question, so I paused. I should have said, "Aw, they don't got enough vaginas! They need six! And then sixteen dongs." I don't know, they probably don't let people have enough space and suffocate them until their loved ones fake their deaths and change their names.

And in New York, the mistake people make is that they will move in out of convenience after dating for a month. And then they'll get married for tax reasons. Basically New York City forces people to combine love with tax decisions.

So try to keep your finances separate?
Nah, that's not the right way to look at it. Try to keep your taxes separate. "Finances" is like, don't lend someone twenty bucks, "Taxes" is like, don't lend someone your last name.

Is it true that all ladies really just want a guy who will "make them laugh"?
No. I think in my experience, most people want someone who will make them cry. Well, in my personal experience, sure, laughter. But in my general talking to people experience, I think that people like the frustration of dating more than happiness. Of course I haven't talked to people in a while.

What's the best thing about dating a comedian?
You can go see a lot of free concerts that you don't want to go to. And you can constantly be put into social situations where you'd rather not be. But that's the benefit of dating almost anyone who's in the arts.

What's the most overrated erogenous zone?
I don't know, they each have their own awesomeness. I mean, "overrated." There's really one that's overrated — I forget where it is exactly, on the other side of the bum? But in terms of overrated, I don't know if it's actually overrated. I don't know that any erogenous zone is actually overrated. There's nothing that's like, "Whatever you do, don't touch that. That would be terrible!" They're all great. They're all really the tops.

I'm running out of effective pick-up lines. I need one that'll get the ladies in one shot. Ideas?
You should be like, "I'll give you an evening of forgetful disappointment, followed by memories of an awkward night." That's it.

So be as honest as possible?
Nooo, mysteriously self-deprecating. Only a lunatic would say that! What kind of lunatic? I should sleep with him myself and find out. It's mystery veiled in insecurity.