"I'm dating a girl who I'm really attracted to, but the sex so far has turned out to be awful. What should I do?"
Sex only gets better if you talk about it. Most people expect the other person to know what they want, but nobody does. I've found a lot of women I talk to like to be choked, but they don't want to ask for it. But you can't just go choking someone! They might freak out! So this guy who wants sex to be better, why doesn't he nonchalantly mention next time he's having dinner with the girl, you know, "I think it's really hot to be tied up." And either the sex gets better or maybe it's time to move on. If you have to ask for something more than a couple of times, it's not going to happen. That's part of what being a good lover is — it's not how good you are at fucking somebody, it's about how good you are at listening to somebody. I was with this one girl once, and she wasn't coming through sex, and I was like, "How do I make you come?" And she was like, "Well, I really need to be whipped, and I like it like this." I said, "Great, let's do that!" And it was no problem! It's so easy!

You're good at this. Maybe you should have an advice column.
Well, maybe if I have some time between my studio and my record label and my two bands and my drug habit.

How about this one: "My long-distance boyfriend and I have phone sex regularly, but he wants me to start making videos for him. I make it a rule to not have any compromising material floating around on the internet, but I want to do what I can. What do you suggest?"
I wouldn't suggest doing it if she doesn't want stuff on the internet, because if they break up, you never know what a guy's going to do. I mean, I've made a couple videos, and definitely a lot of compromising photos, but I know what the repercussions would be if any of them got out.

If people saw pictures of you, no one would be surprised.
Well, that's why I kind of came out as a... total pervert. I go to too many events. I go to this thing called Kink in the Caribbean, in Jamaica, and people take photos. I thought this way if some photo got out, people would be like, [unbothered] "Oh, it's Fat Mike. He's a weirdo."

But you've been writing about this stuff forever.
Yeah, but nobody thought I was serious. [laughs]

In a way, it's a kind thing for you to do for people who might not be comfortable with what turns them on. Maybe they see you and feel like it's okay.
Yeah, and that does make me happy. It's just like coming out as gay — the more people who do it, the more people feel comfortable coming out. Tom Gabel just came out as transgender, and I think that's going to make it easier for tons of people. People keep asking my opinion on that, and it's like, I'm friends with a lot of TG people already. I live in San Francisco. I can think it's super-cool because it's a rock star who did it, but it's not news.

You once described yourself thusly: "My name is Fat Mike. I'm obsessed with big lesbians." When did that obsession come on?
Pretty much since I started watching porn. I didn't like seeing guys in porn. I just liked girls beating up girls.

Do you watch a lot of porn?
Not really. I used to watch a lot more, until I started living all my fantasies out. I read this writer named Pat Califia, and her stuff was so good that I started writing songs about her and her stories.

Is that where "Liza and Louise" came from? When I was in tenth grade, we thought that song was the greatest thing in the world.
Yeah, it was all based on Pat Califia. I just want people to know that it comes from a lesbian perspective, not a two-girls-in-Hustler-magazine perspective.

That was always my favorite NOFX album.
Yeah? How old are you?

I'm thirty.
And what's your fuckin'... sexual... weirdness?

Uh, well...
You don't have nothin'? You don't have to put it in the interview!

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