The Top Five Funniest Super Bowl
Halftime Shows

Believe us, it gets much worse than *NSYNC and Aerosmith.

by josh kurp

I don't envy the people who have to pick the Super Bowl halftime entertainment.  It's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't-kind of job: pick someone too old, like The Who, and you’re not connecting to the game’s younger fans. Pick someone too young, like Britney Spears, and you’re not connecting to the game’s older fans (well, maybe the older gay ones). Of course, there is always the third option: pick something that makes no sense, like “Salute to New Orleans and the 40th Anniversary of Peanuts.” Luckily for fans of unintentional hilarity, a whole slew of previous halftime shows have taken this route, and here are the best of the worst.

 

5. Super Bowl XXI - Salute to Hollywood’s 100th Anniversary

Location: Pasadena, California
Final Score: New York Giants 39, Denver Broncos 20

Before the game, Neil Diamond sang the National Anthem ("Oh, say. Can you see? By the dawn's...early light!"), but that strange show was nothing compared to this production, which celebrated 100 years of Hollywood excellence with George Burns hitting on Snow White and Goofy dressed up as a cowboy with Chip and Dale. If this spectacle was at all representative, it's amazing we allowed Hollywood to "make dreams come true" for that whole century.

 

4. Super Bowl XVI: Salute to the 1960s and Motown

Location: Pontiac, Michigan
Final Score: San Francisco 49ers - 26, Cincinnati Bengals - 21

A Motown theme at a Super Bowl in Michigan makes sense. What doesn't is getting Up with People to sing the songs of Smokey Robinson, the Temptations, and other great Motown artists. The People (as their seven fans call them) — a motivational singing group with the goal of making tomorrow a better world...today! — gave the squarest, most pep-squad performance imaginable, not surprisingly. Sixteen years later, the NFL would attempt to rectify its sins by having the original artists celebrate forty years of Motown, but this is one sin that can never be forgotten.

 

3. Super Bowl XXXIV: Tapestry of Nations

Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Final Score: St. Louis Rams - 23, Tennessee Titans - 16

The Tennessee Titans versus the St. Louis Rams made for one of the greatest Super Bowls of all time, as the Titans' Kevin Dyson came within a single yard of scoring the game-tying touchdown. But the only thing I can remember is a halftime consisting of Phil Collins at the height of his Tarzan-soundtrack popularity, Christina Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias performing lyrical sex, a narration provided by Commander William Adama, and dance performance straight out of the Golden Calf section of the Old Testament.

 

2. Super Bowl XXIII: Diet Coke's "Be Bop Bamboozled in 3-D"

Location: Miami, Florida
Final: San Francisco 49ers 20, Cincinnati Bengals - 16

Yes, it's hard to believe that Bob Costas made three dimensions cool back in 1989 — take that, James Cameron. And while Avatar needed the GDP of a small nation to do so, all Costas needed was the Jerry Rice to his Joe Montana, Elvis Presto, the world's most famous/only Elvis impersonator and magician.

 

1. Super Bowl XXIX: Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye

Location: Miami, Florida
Final: San Francisco 49ers - 49, San Diego Chargers - 26

To promote their new Indiana Jones-themed ride at Disneyland, Disney decided to put on a halftime show with a detailed plot. Allow me to describe it:

The Super Bowl trophy has been stolen and taken to the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. The temple is guarded by Patti LaBelle, who sings "Release Yourself." Arriving on the scene via parachute is Indiana Jones (not played by Harrison Ford) and Marion Ravenwood (not played by Karen Allen), who venture to Club Disneyland fighting bad guys, while Tony Bennett and the Miami Sound Machine entertain the club's patrons. Eventually, the duo make it to the Temple, and without looking into the aforementioned Forbidden Eye, reclaim the Super Bowl trophy for the winner of the Big Game. Then Patti LaBelle sings "New Attitude," followed by a duet with Tony Bennett on The Lion King's "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?"

Now that’s entertainment.