What Your Favorite Christmas Carol Says About Your Sex Life

If it’s “Silent Night,” don’t bother reading this list. 

By Alyssa Wolff

Well, it’s officially the most wonderful time of year. That time of year when we put aside our petty differences, pour ourselves (another) drink, and commit to a knock-down, drag-out fight with our nearest and dearest about whether Kim and Kanye will make it as a couple. (They will.)  Of course, you insist on hooking up your iPod to the speakers so that the playlist of your favorite Christmas songs to keep things real merry. Hark, do you hear angels singing? Or is that in your head? It doesn’t matter; you know all the words. And now you’re singing them. Oh, god, please stop. People are staring.

It may seem harmless enough, but actually the Christmas song you favor above all the rest says a lot about how you ended up on Santa’s naughty list. So you may want to fa-la-la-laaaaa-la-la-lock it up.

Here’s what your favorite festive tune says about you.

"Jingle Bell Rock"

When this jingle bell is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’. You’re really digging the energy of the season, and the energy is digging you right back. All this party hopping you’ve been doing has really paid off, and plenty of holiday honeys have been back to your apartment to ring your jingle bell. You’re feeling friendly, flirty, and fed up with your all your friends who suddenly showed up with fiancés, so just keep having fun. Plus, all this action is helping you keep those extra cocktail calories under control. So, giddy up, jingle horse! 

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

But you’re not waiting for him. You don’t have time! You have gifts to buy, cookies to bake, and cookies to eat. You appreciate the song because it’s indicative of the kind of schedule that Santa Claus keeps year after year. You wonder if he uses Google maps, or MapQuest to get around, and then silently admonish yourself for wasting time on a foolish hypothetical: He obviously has a Garmin. Santa doesn’t mess around, and neither do you. In fact, you’re downright aggressive. You see what you like, and you take it. And if what you like happens to be Bob from Accounts Payable, you go for it. You like things a bit rougher, and when things start to get out of hand, you remind Bob that he better not cry. After all, it’s not just Santa who’s coming, er, to town.

“All I Want for Christmas is You”

You’re holding out for the “one who got away,” but honestly, your ex dumped you six months ago. Time to move on. We all see you trying to look casual as you linger under the mistletoe, and it’s bumming us all out. Especially since the party ended two hours ago. Santa is not going to deliver your former love to your doorstep for Christmas – or for any holiday – especially after seeing those desperate texts you sent after one too many glasses of egg nog. And seriously, cool it with the emoji. Distracted by your loneliness, desperation, and dedication to perfecting your Mariah Carey impression, looks like your bedroom is a little chilly this holiday season.

“Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree”

I don’t want to jinx it by talking about it, but let’s just say your halls are decked with boughs of holly. Not in a gross way, you freak, but in a great way. You’ve been dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way, and you know what that means. It means sex. And lots of it. Oh, and don’t forget to queue up Home Alone 2: Lost in New York on the DVR for when you take a break. And order one large cheese pizza with a stolen credit card. ‘Tis the season, after all!

“Santa Baby”

Money may not buy love, but it does buy a new black rabbit fur vest from Saks, a personalized iPhone 5S, and a trip to Paris for New Year’s Eve. But you really like him, too. I know, I know. He makes you laugh, or whatever. Oh sure, he may have started as your charming-though-slightly-older-and-recently-separated periodontist, but now this is a full-fledged affair. Usually, when having a fling of this nature, hot sex is basically a given, but things have been fairly tepid at his suite at the W. Enjoy it for what it is, but the only thing that’s getting you hot in this relationship are those monogrammed cashmere pajamas with silk trim.

“Last Christmas”

You claim to be over last year’s break up, but we all know you are definitely not. I’m not going to say you’re a stalker – because I don’t have enough proof – but there have been WAY too many coincidental run-ins, especially given the fact that your ex lives in New Jersey now. And they don’t care that you’re hooking up with their college roommate. In fact, even the college roommate doesn’t care that you guys are hooking up. At this point, you’re just giving it away. And not to someone special.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

Oh, please, who are you kidding? Get it together. If this is your favorite song, no one is boning you. We have nothing to talk about.

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