In honor of President’s Day, we rank the free world’s better half.
This week last year, we ranked the Top 43 Sexiest U.S. Presidents. This year, it seemed only natural to follow up with a ranking of their beautiful wives.
45. Martha Jefferson (died before presidency)
Martha was Thomas’ cousin. Apparently, a Jefferson family-reunion is a piss-poor place to meet women.
44. Anna Harrison (1841 – 1841)
Anna never even made it to the White House — she was too ill to make the trip from their Ohio home. With that up-do, though, it’s probably for the best.
43. Eliza McCardle Johnson (1865 – 1869)
Once, during a state dinner, Mrs. Johnson ate a can of spinach and then beat the shit out of everyone in the room. On her way out, she played a tune on her tobacco pipe. Okay, not really.
42. Ida Saxton McKinley (1897 – 1901)
Ida looks like a part-time serial killer. Those eyes really burn deep into your soul, no?
41. Mary Anne Todd Lincoln (1861 – 1865)
Poor Mary had to deal with the death of her husband and children. And now shes just a punchline in a Geico commercial. A punchline with a big butt.
40. Bess Truman (1945 – 1953)
This first lady never held a single press conference because she “wanted to keep a low profile.” Yeah, okay, that was it.
39. Margaret “Peggy” Taylor (1849 -1850)
If this is a successful and important woman, what did crazy cat ladies look like back then?
38. Eleanor Roosevelt (1933 – 1945)
Politician, social activist, educator; one of the most accomplished First Ladies of all time. And god-awful looking. Still, we’ll bump her up a few spots for personality.
37. Jane Means Appleton Pierce (1853 – 1857)
Nathaniel Hawthorne’s pet name for this First Lady was “Death’s head.” That would be like Sarah Palin calling you uninformed.
36. Edith Bolling Galt Wilson (1915 – 1921)
When her husband suffered a stroke, she generously gave up all her beauty-parlor appointments, donned an ugly hat, and ran the country.
35. Angelica Van Buren (1837 – 1841)
Her hair is in business for itself. And business is terrible.
34. Martha Washington (1789 – 1797)
The OG First Lady was considerate in setting the bar low for the rest of the presidential wives. Not only was she unattractive, reportedly she was under five feet tall.
33. Abigail Powers Fillmore (1850 – 1853)
You wouldn’t guess it, but this First Lady had an affinity for “sea bathing.” Fortunately, in the nineteenth century, bathing suits were not very revealing.
32. Louisa Adams (1825- 1829)
Documented chocoholic. Obviously the Cosmo of the day told women big hair would distract men from a few chocolate pounds.
31. Caroline Lavinia Scott Harrison (1857 – 1861)
Her official portrait looks like a stock photo of a nineteenth-century woman. So I guess you could say she was “average looking?”
30. Mamie Eisenhower (1953 – 1961)
Mamie Eisenhower was the first woman to be seen publicly kissing the president. Her head-shape was also the inspiration for Hey Arnold!
29. Julia Boggs Dent Grant (1869 – 1877)
Is that a bump-it? Snooki’s got nothing on this upscale-china enthusiast and poof pioneer.
28. Abigail Smith Adams (1797 – 1801)
Abigail Adams was not the ugliest first lady, by any means. Just frighteningly severe and voted most likely to “cut a bitch.”
27. Lucretia Rudolph Garfield (1881)
Lucretia Garfield is a very pale lady. And it’s not just the whole “black-and-white” portrait thing. She’s perhaps best known for planning to renovate the White House, and then feeling too sick to do it.
26. Grace Anna Goodhue Coolidge (1845 – 1849)
She may not have lived up to her wifely duties (Calvin thought her cooking sucked), but girlfriend did know how to accessorize enough to distract from her eyebrows.
25. Florence Harding (1921 – 1923)
When she wasn’t at the hairdresser demanding more volume, she was keeping the party going at the White House by serving wine — even though it was during prohibition. We like a rebel.
24. Dolley Payne Todd Madison (1809 – 1817)
Mrs. Madison: the original butterface.
23. Ellen Louise Axson Wilson (1913 – 1914)
From her sweet, unassuming smile, you would never guess she was known as “Elly-Lou the Man-Hater.” It’s always the quiet ones.
22. Barbara Bush (1989 – 1993)
In her younger days, Bush dabbled in surfing and led her college soccer team. By the time she became first lady, she looked like everyone’s grandmother.
21. Rachel Jackson (died before presidency)
There was a huge campaign scandal when it was revealed, that due to a misunderstanding, Rachel Jackson married Andrew Jackson while still married to her first husband. What a harlot!
20. Sarah Childress Polk (1845 – 1849)
Sarah Polk was not considered the life of the party; card playing, dancing, and hard liquor were outlawed in the White House during her time there. On a more positive note, she kind of looked like Tina Fey.
19. Louise Henry Hoover (1929 – 1933)
“Lou” Hoover could hold her own in the woods; she grew up riding horses, hunting, and camping. And from the looks of her, she cleaned up good.
18. Frances Cleveland Preston (1886 – 1889)
Frances was such a looker, President Cleveland, a close friend of her father, called dibs right when she was born. Twenty one years later, she married him in the White House and fulfilled every little girl’s dream of marrying a man twenty-seven years her senior.
17. Edith Kermit Carow Roosevelt (1901 – 1909)
She was notorious for keeping Teddy in line, so she gets some extra points for being in charge. Plus, if you close one eye, she’s pretty cute.
16. Laura Bush (2001 – 2009)
Our major beef with Laura Bush’s face is that it looks almost exactly like George W. Bush’s face. Creepy.
15. Elizabeth Kortright Monroe (1817 – 1825)
Elizabeth is sporting a haircut that seems well on its way to mullet-hood. Which is unfortunate, because a monster-truck look does her no justice.
14. Harriet Rebecca Lane Johnston (1857 – 1861)
She posed for this portrait from as far away as possible, so I can’t say much for her face. (Well-played, Harriet.) That front shoulder is doing it for me, though.
13. Lady Bird Johnson (1963 – 1969)
Jackie-O is a hard act to follow, but Lady Bird didn’t do a terrible job. I would eat a pie that she baked.
13. Mary Arthur McElroy (1881 – 1885)
Along with having a nice silhouette, Mary was selfless enough to assume First Lady duties after her sister-in-law, Ellen Lewis Herndon Arthur, died of a cold only a year and half before her husband was elected President. Which is a shame, since Ellen was a fox too.
11. Lucy Ware Webb Hayes (1877 – 1881)
Despite her higher education, Lucy didn’t like writing and politics bored her. But she was some hot arm candy.
10. Betty Ford (1974 – 1977)
Before starting a clinic for down-and-out celebrities, Betty had the two of the sexiest jobs a woman can have: dancer and model. She also drank heavily through both careers, and seems like a lot of fun.
9. Julia Gardiner Tyler (1844 – 1845)
Julia parlayed her sexiness into celebrity status, when she posed for an ad that crowned her “The Rose of Long Island.” And that was before she was First Lady.
8. Pat Nixon (1963 – 1969)
The first of these ladies to be seen wearing pants in public. She was a pioneer, aged really well, and has the 40-Year-Old Virgin pose down to a science.
7. Hillary Clinton (1993 – 2001)
Hillary certainly gets points for being a bad-ass (she can deal with both public humiliation and Kim Jong-Il). But man, that hair and her multi-colored collection of pantsuits really have to go.
6. Letitia Christian Tyler (1841 – 1842)
I don’t know how President Tyler was able to resist kissing this hottie for five whole years of courtship. Sadly, her First Lady sexiness was short-lived; she died a year after Tyler was elected to office.
5. Helen “Nellie” Herron Taft (1909 – 1913)
Nellie’s favorite activities included smoking, drinking, gambling, and watching “sex plays.” If that doesn’t get you hot and bothered, check out her waist.
4. Nancy Reagan (1981 – 1989)
Nancy was a Hollywood star in her younger days, like her husband, and had the looks to cut it. In fact, she was once linked to Clark Gable.
3. Rosalynn Carter (1977 – 1981)
For reasons that remain unknown, Rosalynn was a big mental-health advocate. Maybe it was because her sex appeal drove so many suitors crazy?
2. Michelle Obama (2009 – present)
No question about it, Barry is one lucky man. I didn’t even know arms could be a way to get laid before Michelle moved into the White House. When she puts a cardigan on, the sun refuses to shine.
1. Jackie Kennedy (1961 – 1963)
Jackie Kennedy would top almost any list, so to put her at number one on ours was a no-brainer. Her style, grace, and beauty are all iconic. No one compares.
