This Week in Girls Sex

Our own twist on a Girls recap.

by EJ Dickson

Girls, as you may have heard, is a show on HBO. The girls on this show have sex, usually in hilarious ways, and so we at Hooksexup decided that rather than offer a straightforward recap, that's the beat we want to cover. 

In true Girls fashion, we first see this season’s guest star Donald Glover nestled between Lena Dunham’s breasts as they hook up in the back of the bookstore where his character, Sandy, works. During their post-coital recap, Sandy tells Hannah he “loves” how weird she is, a totally adorable and fine thing to say after sex that Hannah finds breathtakingly offensive. “Don’t say love to me,” she warns him. “Not even joke love.” Get over yourself, Hannah. Don’t pretend like you’re some hot-shot, cold-fish, man-eating Katherine Heigl character and the mere suggestion of romantic commitment makes your clitoris crumple up like an origami swan.

Hannah later attempts to have a definitive breakup talk with Adam (Adam Driver), who was hit by a truck at the end of last season, informing him that because they are not dating anymore, she is entitled to time and space for herself. Adam, however, disagrees with this assessment of their relationship: “I don’t really care about labels, you’re here all the time and you’re my main hang. So if you need to not have the title for a while, I’m not gonna freak out… Did you like fucking me? I think you did. I came, you came hard, we all laughed.” Adam is the Descartes of break-up counter-arguments.

Later, Eli (Hannah’s new housemate, played by Andrew Rannell) and Hannah prep for their first house party when Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) comes over to bitch about Ray (Alex Karpovsky), the coffee-shop owner who took her virginity last season. Shoshanna makes it known that if Ray comes to the party tonight, she will not be having any of that shit. “I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued,” she tells them triumphantly.

But Shoshanna’s dry spell is just about to come to an end: after Ray confronts her about how she unfriended him on Facebook, she rebuffs him; he compliments her on her “beautiful, fresh, vibrant sincerity” before grabbing her hand, pulling her to him, and passionately kissing her in the coatroom.

Fellas: Don’t show us that you care by sending us emoji-laden texts or making us some beats on Ableton. Grab us by the hand and tell us how beautiful and fresh and vibrant and sincere we are before you stick your tongues down our throats, and at least act like you don’t care when your Magic Hat No. 9 drips on the floor. That’s romance. A six-pack of that is expensive in New York.