Love, American Style, 2033
by Darcy Cosper
June 27, 2006
By the dawn's early light, the ripe curves of the Capitol dome and the Washington Monument's shaft gleamed whitely. Fresh from the city's after-hours fetish discos, oxygen speakeasies, and recently legalized VirtualSex clubs, sleepy revelers waited at a helibus pad in clusters, examining their enviro-bodysuits for damage and blinking up at the Endangered Tropical Lagoon Blue (TM) scrim of an early spring sky. Nearby, delicate cherry blossom petals sponsored by The Sovereign Nation of Wal-Mart fluttered like parade confetti onto a lively crowd massed eagerly outside the city's most popular attraction — the U.S. National Swinger Hall of Fame.
At last, the front doors to the building swung open, and eager visitors rushed in — pink with anticipation, holo-cams bouncing around their necks — and hurried to secure tickets for the institution's famous tours and attractions. High in the lobby's vaulted atrium, above the happy throng, fluttered banners announcing that this year marked the twentieth anniversary of the National Swinging League ("Two Decades of Sharing the Love").
"That's right, you all. Twenty years!" A pert, ginger-haired tour guide with a Bible-Belt twang, the dangerous silhouette of a CybeRockette and a sleek microphone headset addressed a group of fifty tourists. They stood beside a life-sized titanium tableau depicting the first All-Star Swinging Series champions in their winning configuration, the Twelve-Point Alabama Slammer. "I know it feels like swinging has always been as much a part of the American way of life as it is today." The tour guide paused for effect, looking over the faces of the visitors around her: families with children, young couples, a few foreigners clutching digital translation devices, an elderly foursome on motorized scooters in matching golf visors, embroidered with the SwingerWorld Gated Communities logo.
"You know what's what," the guide winked at them. "You know it's been just twenty short years since swinging as sport established a formal league, with only two conferences, eight teams, and no sponsorships! Can you imagine? Only fifteen years since this beautiful building you stand in here was opened to the public as our official Hall of Fame!" Her sweet voice dove and swooped like a tiny honeysuckle-scented rollercoaster, all crest and plunge, promise and thrill. "And of course it's been a mere ten years since, by the decree of President Schwarzenegger, swinging was officially declared this great country's national pastime! And if you'll follow me, we're going to learn a little more about the illustrious history of this national pastime. Stay close, please!"
The visitors followed the guide out of the lobby, down a hallway and into a series of darkened rooms full of luminous, flickering holograms.
"Some of you may recognize these images," the guide told her charges. "Can anyone tell me what this one is?" She pointed to the first cluster of holos.
A girl in her teens spoke proudly. "We seen that in my history class last year. That's an episode of American Swinger."
"Exactly right!" the guide said. "As most of you know, competitive swinging began at the turn of the century as a subculture movement. The first sessions we know of took place at swinging conventions, which at that time were quite rare! This early period is well-documented in the classic DVD The Lifestyle II: Keeping Score. But as the movement gained popularity, secret sessions, sometimes refered to as "fight clubs," began taking place all over the country, in underground clubs and private homes.
"Then, in 2009, Robert Evans created American Swinger, the world's first competitive swinging television show, which was broadcast on HBO. A crude but visionary predecessor to competitive swinging as we know it today, the show featured four couple-teams in a rotation competition judged by . . . who remembers? Sir?" She pointed to one of the SwingerWorld residents.
"Dr. Ruth, Hugh Hefner and Howard Stern," the man wheezed.
"Absolutely right! And in spite of the drug controversy that forced American Swinger off the air just five months later, the immense popularity of the show led TeleHongKong, then known as the Fox Network, to develop the legendary Swinging With the Stars, which aired on Sunday nights at nine for eighteen years! And spawned dozens of swinging-related shows, and got the highest ratings in the history of television." She pointed to a triptych of holos in which naked bodies writhed in rapidly edited sequences.
"Look," a man in his fifties whispered to his wife. "That sequence on the second holo is from the Jude Law-Lindsay Lohan episode. Remember watching that?" He gave her a tender smile, and she squeezed his hand.
"Swinging With the Stars," the tour guide continued, "was almost single-handedly responsible for the widespread interest in and mainstream acceptance of competitive swinging — oh, yes," she nodded at a skeptical-looking young mother with triplets drifting behind her in an Aero-Bassinet. "It's true. The sport initially met with some public resistance, though I know it's hard to conceive of that today! It was also where many of the rules of swinging as we know it today were developed. The eight-couple team, the intra-team exhibition round, and many of the official positions and configurations, all had their origins on Swinging With the Stars. For example, the Five-Fingered Johnny, the Elephant Walk, the Double Dalai Lama, the Green-Eyed Floozy, the Mobius Daisy Chain, Quadruple Flying Camel — which as you know has been successfully executed just six times — and everyone's favorite, the Octuple Swizzle, among many other maneuvers, were first performed on the show! Okay everyone, follow me."
The guide led her group through room after room, hall after hall, where they admired elaborate exhibits of equipment and uniforms (the Isaac Mizrahi design worn by Spencer "Toes" Cabot in the 2017 playoffs! The Philippe Starck 2021 commemorative accessory set!); a magnificent collection of Topps National Swinger League playing cards (including a rare Ruby Wilson, from her single season in the league, during which she led her team to victory with the first fully executed Triple Sweet Thing and achieved consistently perfect scores in the extemporaneous accessory round, before leaving her husband and teammate Bart for an anti-swinging fundamentalist Sufi); a history of endorsements ("Gatorade, proud sponsor of national champions the Georgia Peaches — is it in you?" "MVP Kelly 'Mouth from the South' Dunn in Nike SwingerWear . . . Just Do It."); a chronology of significant moments (the first NSL advisory board approving the official points-and-penalties guidelines!) and special swinging events (MTV's internationally televised Celebrity Swing Fundraiser for NYC Tsunami Relief! The inaugural Triple X Games!).
At last they arrived at the Hall of Fame itself, a cavernous arcade with floor, curved walls and a vaulted ceiling painted a deep, glimmering crimson. Here, portraits of inductees hung beside cases containing each immortalized swinging couple's trophies and memorabilia (Sophie and Dan Bluzt of the Seattle Amphibians! Peg and Waldo Springer, creators of the infamous Woolly Mammoth Seizure maneuver! All members of the 2026 Season Detroit Thrusters, the first and only team to achieve a sixteen-way simultaneous orgasm!).
After winding up her discourse on the techniques and triumphs of each inductee, the tour guide paused at the far end of the hall, speaking gently to the twelve-year-old boy who was staring with wide, moist eyes.
"Do you want to be a professional swinger when you grow up, sweetie?" the tour guide asked. The boy blushed, shoved his hands into his pockets and nodded without looking up. "Sure you do!" the guide said, showing pearly teeth. "We all did, at some point, didn't we? I bet you're in Little League, aren't you?" The boy nodded again. "I thought so," the tour guide said. "I was, too, when I was your age! I even went to state in high school. Who here was on their high-school swinging team?" About a third of the group raised their hands, and the tour guide beamed and clapped. "That's just great! And who's in a weekend league or on a company team?" Over half the group raised their hands, including the four retirees. "Well, good for you guys!" the guide beamed. "That's just super. Yes, was there a question?"
She nodded at a fair-haired young man in his early twenties, standing near the back of the group and tentatively waving one hand in the air. Beside him was a pretty, shy-looking girl with dark braids and knee-high silver boots, carrying a digital translation device and whispering in his ear.
"Yes," the young man said. "Please . . . " He turned to his girlfriend, clarified a point in their odd, vowel-rich language, and then looked back to the tour guide. "She please would like to know why your hall has enshrined no great swinging pairs who are man and man, woman and woman. Yes?" The girl nodded vigorously at him, and smiled at the tour guide.
A prickly silence descended. A family standing beside the young couple edged away.
"You must be aware," the tour guide said, her voice suddenly sharp, "the bylaws of the National Swinging Association state that, for eligibility in any official league, every pair of a team must be legally married."
The boy translated this for his girlfriend, who nodded eagerly, bright-eyed, then spoke rapidly in her own language to the tour guide.
"She says to say you," the boy translated haltingly, "that of course yes, marriage is required for participating in all countries which are being members of the International Swinger League. How is this point relevant to our question that we ask you?"
The tour guide's face flushed. "I'm not sure what country you're from," she told the young couple, her voice tremulous with emotion. "But as every American citizen knows, the Twenty-Eighth Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, passed by Congress on the second of December two-thousand-ought-nine and ratified on the fifteenth of March two-thousand-eleven, defines marriage as a sacred union between a man and a woman. A man, and a woman."
"Damn right," called out a fat man in a faded T-shirt emblazoned with the words 13th Annual Semi-Pro Swingers Convention, Salt Lake City, 2029.
"Further, American members of the International Swinger League compete internationally only with countries that recognize marriage as such," the tour guide continued indignantly. "Iraq. Chile. Vatican City. And the Sovereign Republic of Wal-Mart. Which is why America doesn't send a team to the Olympic competitions. I am proud to say that unlike most countries, our national league is and always has been composed exclusively of opposite-sex couples." The guide's plump lower lip quivered. She lifted her chin and added, "And, I dare say, always will be!"
"Hear, hear," a voice murmured into the ensuing silence, as the boy whispered into his paling girlfriend's ear.
"Perverts," someone else hissed. "I bet they're Swedish."
The crowd rustled ominously and shifted in their direction, a soft hulking animal. The girl drew closer to her boyfriend, and clutched his arm.
"Now, folks," the tour guide said, and the mass of bodies lurched back toward her like a cruise ship changing direction. "We've still got quite a bit to see," she trilled at them. "You all follow me, and keep up!" She gave a little wink, then whirled neatly and strode off, her hips twitching from side to side, calling back over her shoulder. "We're going to have to step quick, ladies and gents, or you won't make it to the next showing of our new IMAX presentation, and I bet anything you wouldn't want to miss Two Decades of the National Swinging League's Greatest Moments, featuring never-before-seen footage of the best swinging bloopers of all time!"
Surging and shuffling along behind her, the throng departed, leaving the young foreign couple alone in the half-dark of the hall, the guide's sweet voice and the footsteps of the visitors echoing thinly off the arcade's crimson walls.
©2006 Darcy Cosper & hooksexup.com