[FBI-Google Inc. Digital Transcript.
Relevance: Red Alert, Hartware Vandals;
Tracking individuals illegally removing government-mandated software
from their persons.
August 23, 2033]
[intro: Digital-Fonograph snippet of "Psalm" from A Love Supreme]
OPERATOR: [gruff, retro New Orleans accent; identity unknown] Well, well, my lions and lionesses, ladies and gents, kids and machines. Welcome to Friday Night Call-in with Pirate Dad-d-d-d-d-d-y. [speaks in a growl] We're broadcasting in Digi-crystal 8000 MgHz out of the Garage-Prod of yours truly. Coast to Coast. Africa to Ireland. Your hearth to mine, babies. Right now I'm floating over a Replant Onion-grazz Field, and I can see the Western Fire. Yeah, babies, the Western Fire don't show no signs of dying. But that ain't news, is it? [sighs]
I bet a dollar you kids get your news elsewhere, since it ain't my gig, really. But I got this bit for you. Seems we here at WHRT — and by "we," lads and lassies, I mean me, myself, and I — are being investigated by FBI-Google Inc. I don't know if you remember the caller from last week, Trinket809. [pause] Trinket, I don't know if you can hear me. But don't git scared if you can, Trinket. [pause] She called in to say she was going to dismantle her Hartware. [voice change, discomfort] Uncle Sam don't want you to do that, baby girl.
[speeds up] And I ain't backing up Big Gov. You know Pirate Daddy: I'm a buh-liever in the primitive heart, kitten. But I just can't tell you to go for it, in all good faith, Trink. I can't. [booming] I'm the man you call to talk to, babes. Call me. It's Digi-Crissy 445, through the Floating Japan lines.
[retro digi-sound-effect: telephone ringing]
Good evening, caller. How's things?
promotion
CALLER 1: [purring, female] Pirate Daddy, well, how do you do. This is Violetbush888.
OPERATOR: [laughing] Been missing you, Violet.
CALLER 1: [husky whisper] Who can blame you?
OPERATOR: What's the good word, baby?
CALLER 1: I just want to let anyone know who's north of Capital that a lonely little lady is sitting tight at the No-Tell Hotel outside the SleepyMilk Drive Thru. So —
OPERATOR: [charming but adamant] You know the rules, mama.
CALLER 1: All I wanna say is any of you boys get your Milk injection and feel lonely, knock on Prod Digi-Violet. My Hartware is tuned to Twilight Lust, and you know how that goes.
OPERATOR: Violet —
CALLER 1: Daddy, I know! I'm not charging. But that don't make me cheap. [click]
OPERATOR: That's my violet angel, making trouble on the digi-waves, like she likes to. [laughs deeply] Oh lawdy. Call me, lambs and tigers. Darlings and monsters. [retro digi-sound effect telephone ringing]
CALLER 2: [male, nasal, lisping] I want to share with your audience my recent Hart-ware upgrade and its results.
OPERATOR: You braggin' or sharin', baby? [laughs]
CALLER 2: [unamused] I'm educating. I just got the Oysterdate Swarovski Settings installed, all hundred. Including [voice constricted, as though with sexual fervor] the twenty-eight Fetish settings. I can't — I can't find time to try them all.
OPERATOR: [laughs] Well, this is getting intimate, jack, but if you're happy, we happy. I mean, about .01% of our population can afford the Oysterdate, but it's cool. Represent for us, baby.
OPERATOR: That was one flaunty motherlover, am I right? [booming] Who we got on the lines? [digi-ring]
CALLER 3: [young male voice, Scottish accent, jovial] Daddy! I just wanted to let you know, yeh, you gave me advice when I called in last week, about the redhead, do you remember? My Hartware said no but my soul said yes?
OPERATOR: How could I forget, honey?
CALLER 3: [suspenseful] Well, guess what? [pulls away from his phone]
CALLER 4: [CALLER 3 puts a female caller on] Daddy, it's me, RedheadToGo5! We're honeymooning fools, and it's thanks to you.
OPERATOR: Awright . . . what do you say?
CALLERS 3 AND 4: [in unison] We say: WHRT is where lonely hearts get lost.
OPERATOR: Ha-ha, yeaaahhh. That's what I like. Let the young lead us, you be fearless, cats and kittens. [digi-ring] Who's callin' us from Burma, here?
CALLER 5: [static, a computer voice] Thank you very much for taking my call.
OPERATOR: What goes down in Burma, jack?
CALLER 5: It is hot. Birds sing. The flowers bloom, red and white, delicate, luscious.
OPERATOR: Cool. I dig it.
CALLER 5: I am calling because we only passed our Mandatory Hartware Act three years ago, you might know. I am curious. You in North Americorp passed it in 2017. It is only recently that you have the young people vandalizing themselves, yes?
OPERATOR: [serious] Well, what you see on the news is slightly out of proportion, friend.
CALLER 5: But it is true, no, that it is extremely dangerous to remove Hartware, dangerous like the coat-hanger procedure done in the mid 1900s? Why are the kids doing it to themselves now? It is because they don't like the Hartware?
