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Reader Feedback on "Love Rollercoaster"
What a great story ! Last year I ended a relationship with the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. Unfortunately her illness prevented me from seeing a future with her and my children. I don't believe I will ever again meet anyone like her and my recent relationship was marred by her memories. There are so many times I want to call her and try again, but as a friend quoted to me: " No matter how many times you try to refridgerate sour milk it still will stay soured" Was my realtionship sour? Never, and I will always remember the good times and have forgotten the endless hours in the emergency room, disturbing phone calls or abusive chatter. I miss her more than anyone can imagine. My friends and family think I'm "nuts' to want to contact her and just see how she is doing. Will I do this? No, but it will be hard to find anyone to replace the beautiful moments we spent together. Thanks for your article...
--KSK
05/23 |
What a great story ! Last year I ended a relationship with the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. Unfortunately her illness prevented me from seeing a future with her and my children. I don't believe I will ever again meet anyone like her and my recent realationship was marred by her memories. There are so many times I want to call her and try again, but as a friend quated to me: " No matter how mant times you try to refridgerate sour milk it still will stay soured" Was my realtionship sour? Never, and I always remember the good times and have forgotten the endless hours in the emergncy room, disturbing phone calls or abusive chatter. I miss her more than anyone can imagine. My friends and family think I "nuts' to want to contact her and just see how she is doing. Will I do this? No, but it will be hard to find anyone to replace the beautiful mments we spent together. Thanks for your article...
--KSK
05/23 |
Enjoyed the article - just as others said the style was superb. People who have bipolar illness range from treated + healthy, through treated + symptomatic, to untreated (or off meds). Unfortunately, the media portrays sensational stories of those who are untreated or still highly symptomatic. For many of us with the illness the only significant symptoms are denial of health insurance and the overwhelming stigma. If we don't choose to reveal our condition, most of our friends and even many of our romantic partners never know.
--GJ
05/19 |
My ex-wife is bi-polar, as is the woman I later had a serious relationship with for six years. They are both very interesting, intelligent exciting women, and I loved them . However, the emotional swings can be stressful for you both, as this story relates. BPs seem to have a problem with dealing with strong emotions, and in my limited experience try to avoid them. Medication does seem to help - I'd probably still be with the ex if she had been diagnosed and treated sooner than after 16 years of marriage. After 25 years of trying to work within someone else's handicap (on top of my own imperfections), I hope that my next relationship is free of this challenge.
--BC
03/25 |
I can't tell you how happy I am that you wrote this. Thank you so much.
--AC
02/26 |
"Love Rollercoaster" is exactly what i called my relationship with my boyfriend who i recently left. Hes bipolar, was medicated then unmedicated... medicated then unmedicated, also an alcoholic. You went thru pretty much what i did for a little over a year and it was incredibly hard to watch him in his ups and downs. I was walking on eggshells most of the time. I didn't want to give up but it started getting out of control. I dont think you should be scared of the person you love so i had to go.
--ym
02/09 |
You're one of the worst sorts of people. It must have taken all of your reserves of craft and delusion to portray yourself as the victim here. If only the world had more saints like you: you who are so understanding, patient, and kind enough to have to put up with someone like that, someone as ill as that. Did you really think that if your story was well-researched enough, with enough concessions to personal regret, that you would be able to hide the fact that you were, in the end (and in the beginning), so selfish and self-serving; that any objective viewpoint would see that the blame and failings were yours and wholly yours? Hindsight is no excuse, but you do not use hindsight to excuse yourself or apologize: but to prove some point that is ultimately flawed because the facts are 1. You let her move in with you after a few hours 2. You let her obsessions flourish because it was easier that way 3. You let her alone because confrontation would be a sign of courage and faith on your part 4. You use the term "caregiver" as if you ever properly cared for you.
--fyt
02/05 |
Genuine, well-articulated article, man...but bipolar disorder is only one of a million forms of dysfunction, labelled or otherwise. No matter how carefully we hide or how appropriately we use social convention as a mask, each of us has our own brand of unique fucked-up-ness. Different cultural periods place a different value on each dysfunction; in Victorian England, for example, it would have been considered pathological for a woman to actively pursue certain careers. She would have been medically treated for it, even hospitalized, had she persisted. There are behaviors in our culture that we lump roughly under "normal" that are highly destructive, such as blatant drama-mongering. And yet, behavior associated with BPD does tear people apart; labels can be a handy way of getting a grip on an obvious problem. It's a conundrum, isn't it? I certainly have no answers, and I appreciate the fact that your article attempted to refrain from pat answers too. Nicely done.
--LW
02/04 |
It is very hard to have a relationship with someone who chooses to define themselves by their illness, be it mental or physical. As cold as this may sound, I think my mother's happiest day was the day she was diagnosed with cancer, because she could finally be the victim she was desperate to be. Its not wrong to want a person to be more than the sum of their symptoms.
--Kali
02/04 |
I found it informative and valuable, having been involved with a bipolar for 20 years.
--GR
02/03 |
I think some of my fellow feedbackers didn't really get what you were writing. I also believe that some are writing from a pedestal they built for themselves once they started reading Hooksexup. Each of them had their interpretation of your article. Some of them were even gracious enough to allow you a point of view. Let them continue to look down, while failing to notice the clouds getting in the way, distorting their view. I didn't think your article was biased in any way. However, I am a biased reader because I've been married to a bipolar woman for 14 years. My experience is nothing extreme like yours, but we've had our share of ups and downs. Compared to Sara, my wife is mildly bipolar, but challenging nonetheless. There's definitely nothing I would share with the critics of this site, so I commend you on your bravery. None of them connected on what you were feeling in your relationship with Sara. I sure did. I've questioned the relationship several times based on her condition...and just like any other marriage I've questioned our relationship based on my individual happiness, too.
--CEA
02/01 |
i think that there are many, many varieties of bipolar. it can vary from seasonal cycling in moods to having hallucinations, mania, and delusions. i would hope that readers do not take from this story that every woman with bipolar will behave as this ex did. i have bipolar and i certainly do not! i feel like there is so much stigma with the label "bipolar" -- this piece probably adds to it. with every illness, the person who is ill has some degree of personal responsibility and coping skills. i take my medication, keep my dr. appointments, and re-adjust treatment as necessary. in a lot of ways, it is like diabetes. sometimes, i feel it getting out of whack and i take care of it, it is always there, but it is manageable and treatable. don't generalize all people with bipolar by this experience.
--as
01/30 |
Interesting the entire story talked about her disorder. At least she recognized it as such at attempted within the limits of her abilities to do something about it. The burning question that came up for me was "when will the author take a look in the mirror and come to the fact that he is of equal ill health as his lady friend" ? Yes you are a wonderful writer BUT.... you move in with a person after the first date and then continue for months to fall into her unhealthy world the entire time knowing you were doing so? Cleaning the bathroom with her ? Watching hours of TV? Letting your friends fall away? I feel sorry for her, I feel pity for you. You sit back and observe and cast aspersions as if your diligent research justifies your ridiculous actions. But alas I am sure there are medications for you as well. Since you researched the topic so diligently I am sure you came a cross one or two that would be useful for you. One more observation is that I don't see how this could help anyone except yourself. It came across as you venting, or maybe justify you own enabling of your friends sickness. Possibly a diversion from your own neuro chemical imbalance. But as I said you are a darn good writer...
--rjs
01/30 |
I want to thank you for this very informative piece on what it is like to be in love with a bi-polar person. My husband of the past 7 years has put up with all kinds of mess. From me spending the last 2 dollars to me organizing the pantry in alphabetical order. I wish that more people understood that being bi-polar doesn't exactly make a person loony, it's just hard to make sense out of daily life sometimes.
--KN
01/29 |
I am left feeling so bad after reading this. I am bi polar...have been my whole life. I, after many years of different medications and doctors, am stable and happy. I am one of the most well adjusted people amongst my friends. Yes I am in therapy twice a week and yes I take "scary" medications- anti seizure included- but this article makes it sound like all bi polars are a heart beat away from suicide. I haven't thought of suicide in 7 years. I have a great job and a bright future. And I am bi polar. It is a small part of who I am. My personality has nothing to do with my disease. If a man isn't going to date me because of my mental illness- well it's his loss, because i see nothing but a happy healthy marriage in my future.
--cc
01/29 |
At the end of this article, you claim you broke up with Sara because you "wanted there to be more." I have only the flawed perspective of an outsider, but I think that, if you can characterize a person whom you once loved as nothing but an illness, you're the one who's lacking.
--LC
01/29 |
its so hard for me to read a story like that and not get angry. not all bipolar people are the same. i have been medicated for almost 7 years now and have had my ups and downs, but i am nothing like i was before medication. i try to give myself a break. im human. i have good days and i have bad days. but being bipolar doesnt make me damaged goods, but reading stories like this always makes me feel that way.
--nw
01/29 |
First - saying "bipolar" is like saying "cancer". There are many, many different flavors. Some can be treated with medication + therapy and the person will be in "remission" for the rest of their lives. Some are, unfortunately, fatal because treatment (talk and meds) simply isn't sophisticated enough yet. Lumping all bipolar people together is doing millions of people a disservice. I was diagnosed bipolar and frankly articles like this, run alone, make me angry. If Hooksexup is going to run a disparaging and hopeless article like this (which is completely valid because it is one person's genuine experience) then an accompanying article, a success story if you will should also be offered. But as the author here suggests - it wouldn't be as sensational - it wouldn't have the "lookie lou" effect of a car accident and likely wouldn't get 1/4 of the reads. Please, please keep in mind "bipolar" is a catch all phrase, like "cancer" - treatment can be very,very effective depending on the situation. p.s.In my opinion a responsible person, with any mental illness in a close, loving relationship will respect their partner enough to give written permission for the partner to talk to their doctor(s). Yes, this takes a high level of trust, but if you are close enough it is worth it. It lowers fear/stress a great deal. A good doctor will have no issues telling the partner if whatever they are expressing or asking about is going too far. A loved partner deserved this kind of security - the ability to express concerns to a doctor if they ever feel the need. Or perhaps I am lucky enough to have a respectful doctor and partner.
--WW
01/29 |
Thank you, Justin. Thank you. Your story speaks to my predicament, and it's no small thing that you made me tear up at my desk. Thank you for writing this article, and helping to remind me what the perspective of hindsight can look like. I wish you well. Cheers,
--DL
01/29 |
I've been dating a bipolar man for two and a half years. We're very happy and plan to get married soon. So there are some relationships that work! I couldn't tell you why his illness doesn't affect our relationship much, but I suspect it's because he never had full-blown manic episodes and he never had suicidal tendencies.
--TL
01/29 |
As one who has bipolar disorder, I read this with interest, yet it left me feeling doomed to be alone. Everyone is attracted to me in the beginning; as was written, it's always interesting. Two failed marriages and countless relationships later, I wonder if choosing to stay single would not be a better outcome for all.
--CLS
01/29 |
Justin, I dated a girl with BPD last year, and leaving her was one of the hardest things I've ever done -- it's a really complicated story, and I still haven't been on a date since. Everything just hurts too much. I guess I'm just grateful to know that I'm not alone. Thank you.
--????
01/28 |
Just a thought--the off-label use of certain anticonvulsants for bipolar disorder is not scary. It's saved my life, as well as that of countless others. Most off-label uses are neither frightening nor lucrative lies created by big pharma. Rather, many of them are happy accidents: heart medicine becomes Viagra, Wellbutrin (as Xyban) helps people quit smoking. Check out crazymeds.org, a well-researched blog/information source on psychiatric medications.
--NM
01/28 |
I've been on Hooksexup for three years and have never sent feedback. This story? I had to. Wonderful stuff, very well written. Thanks very much, Justin.
--sm
01/28 |
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