Pornless in Seattle: Bad Advice with Bad Barrington

This is the first instalment of Bad Advice with Bad Barrington. If you’ve got a question for Bad send it to [email protected].

Dear Bad,

My fiancé was looking at wedding venues on my computer when she discovered some porn in my search history. She freaked out and threatened to call off the wedding. She’s demanding that I stop looking at porn.  I think she’s being unreasonable. I mean, who am I hurting?  Am I wrong?

– Pornless in Seattle

Dear Pornless,

Yes. You are wrong.  Porn is a misproportioned, spray-tanned termite that is gnawing at the very substructure of your relationship. And “who are you hurting?” The answer is simple. You’re hurting your fiancé AND yourself. Here’s how:

For her: By watching porn, you’re denying your fiancé what she desperately wants – the full knowledge of your sexual desires. So dust out the grimy dark corners of your sexual fantasy vault, Pornless. Your fiancé is tired of just getting the tip of the iceberg. She wants to go snorkeling, even if the waters get a little frigid.  She’s dying to strap herself to a mannequin to fulfill that Siamese twin fantasy you’ve been hiding away. And that position you’ve been wanting to try? The one with a 40% chance that she’ll separate her shoulder . . . she likes those odds. Forget about porn and cast wide the floodgates, Pornless; see how it improves your relationship.

For him:  It may be hard for you to believe that porn is hurting you, Pornless, but it is. The performers in adult films are not real. If you saw them on the street, they wouldn’t look the same or act the same as they do on screen.  When you watch Lord of the Rings, your brain knows that you’re not going to run into Frodo at the grocery store. It knows that you’ll never meet Captain Kirk, no matter how many Star Trek conventions you attend.  The same goes for pornography. Your brain knows, on some level, that it’s all an elaborate charade and that knowledge is preventing you from having a fully actualized fantasy life.  So here’s what you need to do.  Stop watching porn immediately. At first, your mind will look to your fiancé but then, starved for erotic material, your brain will turn in on itself. It’ll grab memories that you’ve long since forgotten. The substitute teacher in 7^th grade whose boob you grazed. That girl from Spring Break that you hooked up with until she threw up in the pool.  Your mind will pull the best parts of all of these people and form them into a Voltron-like creature of mashed-up passion.  Once that’s achieved, you’ve reached the height of sexual fantasy, a summit that porn could never help you climb.

The only other thing to say Pornless is “Marry that girl!” She’s 100% right about porn and she’s probably right about a lot of other things too.  For instance, your friends are a bunch of losers and you’re mother is a soul-sucking slag.  Wishing you both a long, healthy and happy life together.

Take Bad’s advice, you’ll never regret it –

Bad Barrington

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