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Talking to Strangers: Los Angeles, CA

Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we've just met.

By Melinda Hill

Kerri, 34

What do you do?

I'm an actress, writer, and producer.

Does your career get you a lot of action? 

You'd think so.

What is your type? 

Smart, funny, Jewish, successful.

What's the craziest pickup line you've ever heard? 

"I'm buying an island, and I want you to live on it." That was a cheeseball self-help guru my friend hooked me up with. He lived in a swanky apartment in Marina Del Rey that was decorated in the latest corporate décor. It looked like an office. So we walked around the marina, talked, and went to a record store. We passed a rack of CDs, and he chose Michael Bublé for me. He said, "He's a genius."

Did he try any smooth moves on you? 

Yeah — we walked back and he poured a glass of wine and talked about the island, and the next thing I knew I was on the floor and he was on top of me! He, like, flipped into the position! And I said, "I gotta go," and he said "Why? We're both adults."

Do you think the island line gets him a lot of action? 

In his circles, yes. He was like Tom Cruise's character in Magnolia — a real-life cheese you could slice with a knife.

What was the hottest hook up you've ever had? 

Mick Jagger.

Really? What was it like? 

Wet.

Was it good? 

Historical.

Did Mick Jagger meet your parents? 

No, my mom was a Beatles fan. But I bumped into him recently. He's a pleasure. And very taken now.

What was the worst hookup you've ever had? 

A guy who doesn't like to go downtown. That baffles me. I tried to date a friend whom I'd known for seventeen years after he separated from his wife; I quickly knew why they didn't work out. He's just closed off, shut down, so self-serving. I tried but I might as well have been fucking the wall. He fucked all my neighbors too, and of course all the girls talk, and he's not into eating pussy. He's selfish. They all concurred that he was lame in the sack due to his selfishness.

What's the most daring or unusual place that you've hooked up? 

On a bar stool in a crowded bar next to the L train in Chicago. I lifted my skirt over him and we were having sex in this crowded bar. Then we had sex on the L platform. It was very Risky Business.

 

Joe, 32

Do you get a lot of action from your job? 

Yes, compared to other jobs. If you're a comedian it makes it easier to meet girls.

How do you start a conversation with a girl? 

By being funny. That's the only way I really have to impress a girl.

But what's your line? 

Well, sometimes I'll just be like, "Are you Kate?" "No, I'm so and so." "Oh, you look exactly like this friend of mine!" Then I'll just start talking and if they're interested at all in what I'm saying, I'll know they want to talk. And I think in this initial conversation, the best move is to talk to them like you're not trying to fuck them, even though that's in the back of your head. That's the move. Or I would say, "Hey, I think I know your boyfriend." And she'd go, "I don't have a boyfriend," and then I'm like, okay, now we're talking. That's about the extent of the methods I have.

That's pretty good.

One time I was at a restaurant, and one of the waitresses was really beautiful. I really wanted to talk to her. And sometimes you don't find out they have a boyfriend until two or three minutes into the conversation, but I had to figure it out sooner, because that also seems like one of the quickest ways a girl will blow you off: "Oh, I have a boyfriend." If you can eliminate that from the start, they might have to talk to you a little bit longer until they can find another way to blow you off. So I said, "I just wanted to find out if you had a boyfriend from the beginning." She didn't. She laughed and I invited her to a show and she came with her friends. 

What if multiple girls come to your show on the same night? Do they get offended that you invited more than one? 

That rarely happens, because I rarely invite that many girls. I used to be that way, but now, if I find someone who I actually like — they're so few and far between. I mean compared to other guys I hardly talk to girls or ask them dates. A lot of guys are always trying to sleep with girls.

Are you just more interested in comedy? 

No, I just don't like wasting energy on trying to sleep with some girl that I'm kind of annoyed with. There were some times I went on dates with girls I wasn't really attracted to, and in a weird way I almost felt lonelier. I'd rather hang out with my friends.

Sounds like you might be more "sensitive artist" than "sport fucker." 

When I did get a lot of girls, I was a germaphobe about it, so then I'd go home and be worried about diseases. 

Why are so many comics germaphobes? 
We're neurotic and overthinking in every aspect of our lives. It's a mental process of overanalyzing and obsessing about things way more than other people do, and it manifests in other ways, like being Purell Hand Sanitizer Guy. I'll be thinking, "This microphone is so dirty right now."

Where did you meet the sketchy chicks of your yesteryears? 

One time I got offstage at La Jolla Comedy Store and this girl walked up, grabbed me by the hand, dragged me outside, and said, "Hey, I want you to meet my friend." The friend took me to a car and blew me in the back seat. She was super-hot, but it was one of those situations I didn't know how to deal with. She asked, "Are you going to have sex with me?" but I didn't have a condom. And I don't drink, and I realized it was just a gnarly situation and I had to get the fuck out of there. Who the fuck does this? At the time I was buying into the whole idea that I was a star, kicking ass on stage, but then I was like, "This is crazy." I never even knew her name.

Was she high? 

She definitely had a buzz on.

Was she bummed? 

She was disappointed, yes.

What's the most unusual place you've had sex? 

At a park. We were breaking up. I was madly in love with her and hysterically crying because she was breaking up with me. We started making out, and it was really gnarly, because it had mellowed out sex-wise with us since we'd been dating a while, and suddenly it felt like kissing for the first time again. We just went off to the side and fucked. Runners could've seen us, children were present, but we needed to do it! Then we broke up. It actually made it easier for us to have closure.

 

Drew, 28

What's your type? 

Gangly, cognizant, immature.

Do you have any crazy exes? 

Yes, I have one who, while we were together, remembered that his parent had committed suicide during his childhood. Once he remembered it was sort of game over.

Did he have flashbacks? 

Yes, and intimacy hives.

Was he in therapy? 

After our relationship was over, yes. Male aggression and compulsiveness caused him to punch me in the face.

Did you stop seeing him? 

Immediately, but I already got a broken tooth.

Did you go to hospital? 

No, I just let myself have a broken face for a while.

Where'd you meet him? 

Comedy troupe. Don't date comedians. If he's talking about his rage the first few times you date, then you should probably not date him. 

What can you tell other girls who've been abused to help them move forward? 

Be single for a while, and try to notice the difference between how you think of yourself and how others think of you. Make mistakes, but don't blame yourself for other people's mistakes.

Guys must hit on you a lot. What's your type? 

At least as smart as me, has charisma, a great sense of humor, emotionally intelligent, and appreciates my better qualities. 

What's a great date? 

A great date is one where I'm allowed to make the cocktail and feel like an utter boss. I like to cook for people, pick something cool to do, mix cocktails. I like to feel like I'm participating and not just happening along.

What's the nicest thing a guy has done for you? 

Pimped my writing to people that I'd be too shy to pimp my writing to.

That is really nice.

Yeah. It doesn't hurt.

Do you have any advice to guys to help them with women? 

I'm so grossed out by guys hitting on girls only because they're pretty. Think real seriously about whether you're going to still think they're pretty once you know their personality. I know some girls who have excellent personalities who don't get hit on because they're not pretty in super-obvious ways.

Commentarium (37 Comments)

Jun 02 11 - 12:48am
BitchesAintShit

"I'm so grossed out by guys hitting on girls only because they're pretty"? Really, well how many guys did you blow/fuck cause you found them to be "pretty" ?

Jun 02 11 - 11:16am
moi

isn't that how it's supposed to work??? I'm thinking she's just mad that she doesn't get hit on as much as she'd like to, so she goes on these righteous vents to make herself feel better.

Jun 02 11 - 12:52pm
mj

I don't know, I read that more like, "I'm the one of my friends who gets hit on the most and I'd like my less-pretty friends to get to share the wealth / have reason to stop complaining about their sad love lives." I didn't see anything righteous about the way she said it.

Jun 02 11 - 12:59pm
Bery

Yes, I think she meant that guys don't go beyond a girl's looks, they don't give a chance to women that aren't as beautiful by general standards.

Jun 03 11 - 1:24am
BitchesAintShit

You might find this hard to believe, but I generally try to be as non-shallow as I can,and I judge more on personality than anything. I'm just pointing out obvious b.s and that's the type of chick who busts balls over nothing.

Jun 02 11 - 1:19am
Chicagodancer

Megan is soooo so very pretty :).

Jun 02 11 - 1:59am
LAnormal

Megan is also so very crazy.
But seriously, most of these people remind me of the kind of people I met all the time when I first moved out here. A little broken, a little crazy, mostly sad.

Jun 02 11 - 4:08am
nerkums

That's the feeling I walk away with 90% of the time I read these.

Jun 02 11 - 6:52am
lezley

Assuming they're not fake, even doing the interview would require a sub-pathological but still significant level of narcissism so... notice how many people they interview are some kind of performer...

Megan's not crazy, though. The insanity spectrum has big bands of sanity and crazy interspersed with each other and she pretty much floundered through one of the crazy bands and came out the other side into a different continuum of sane.

Jun 02 11 - 1:01pm
Bery

Megan is going through a divorce, I bet that can get you over the edge, but it sounds like she now knows what she doesn't want in a relationship.

Jun 02 11 - 3:16am
man

Megan is posturing this gimmick of zaniness. I can tell.

But wow, I love her now. She'd probably hate me though, which would only incite me.

Jun 02 11 - 4:01am
nerkums

Gnarly.

Jun 02 11 - 4:56am
eh

where are all the queers in L.A.?!

Jun 02 11 - 6:17am
notfromaroundhere

A guy who doesn't want to go downtown? What's up with that? It's my single most favorite sexual activity! And even if it weren't, I'd still happily do it because of how great the woman is making ME feel. How can a guy NOT want to go downtown? It's the least we can do for women.

Jun 02 11 - 9:48am
george

right you are!

Jun 02 11 - 10:11am
v

"He fucked all my neighbors too," Kerri reports. Selfish or not, he seems to have something going for him.

Jun 02 11 - 10:19am
...

Joe, without a condom, could have offered to return the favor in the car (re: oral sex).

Jun 02 11 - 11:17am
moi

I doubt joe wanted to continue on...didn't you notice he was like...wtf is going on???

Jun 02 11 - 6:29am
Fla

Almost no point in it if you can't catch the downtown express.....

Jun 02 11 - 9:24am
moops

I want Megan to be my snarky sidekick.

Jun 02 11 - 12:49pm
Sir

You guys could be the "Self-Satisfied Duo"

Jun 02 11 - 3:51pm
dana

I have bit of girl-crush on Megan.

Jun 02 11 - 10:03am
LAnormal

Well, a lot of these pics appear to have been taken in a comedy club or some other kind of performance venue, which would explain the high proportion of performers. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone out here is trying to make it in the entertainment business, but if you go to certain places, that's pretty much all you're going to find.

Jun 02 11 - 5:45pm
SBC

I agree with you. There is a world outside of Hollywood that most people don't know.

Jun 02 11 - 11:26am
cfg

It's so unfortunate that Kerri and I have the exact same taste in men. Otherwise, she'd be my ideal best friend.

Jun 02 11 - 1:42pm
Nat

The comedy club scene is the weirdest and most neurotic in this city. Wait, I take it back, it is tied with the Magic Castle.

Jun 02 11 - 2:08pm
moops

I love the poster behind Drew. It's like she's got a Chinese acrobat as her shoulder-angel.

Jun 02 11 - 7:47pm
Dea

I really liked this edition. All of the people seem genuinely interesting and introspective (and most of them are quite easy on the eyes to boot).

Going though some love drama myself at the moment, I think Tory's advice about staying away from the radio (and iPod) should be put into practice. I took a walk with my iPod last night to try to mellow out and clear my head, but ended up fighting back tears in public instead. Add Ingrid Michaelson and James Taylor to the Nick Drake list.

Jun 03 11 - 9:49am
unheimlich

"A guy who doesn't like to go downtown." Honestly, the euphemism totally evaded me at first. I read it and thought, "What? He's, like, an agoraphobic?" I was married once to a woman who was an agoraphobic, and I guess it could be a "turn-off" at times. On top of the agoraphobia, she didn't like to go downtown either, by which I mean she was averse to practicing oral sex. (See, I'm getting a handle on this euphemism thing.) She was also OCD (also a "turn-off," but that's another story). By the way, the use of the euphemism here gave me fuzzy, nostalgic thoughts of junior high school. Thanks for that, because most of my memories of junior high school are anything but nostalgic. Anyways, my question here is this: I'm surrounded on a daily basis by literal-minded idiots--is it rubbing off? Have I totally lost my ability to think figuratively? Thanks for your time.

Jun 03 11 - 12:42pm
MRAGH

did he really say "gnarly?" Twice??!? Oh, gag me with a spoon...

Jun 03 11 - 7:56pm
Yay, Happy Kitchens!

Wow, Tory is my new hero! :) Creative and entrepreneurial to boot, not to mention level-headed and charming. You go, girl! Cheers

Jun 03 11 - 10:43pm
Really

Kind of funny that Chris is supposed to be a writer but fails to comprehend a Led Zeppelin lyric that the average stoned 13-year-old can understand perfectly well.

Jun 04 11 - 3:41pm
Sam

I think it's funny that Joe's a comedian, and one of the first things the woman right after him said, was to never date comedians.

Jun 05 11 - 1:41am
YorikDJester

So, the denizens of L.A. are bats#!t crazy.

Jun 06 11 - 9:55am
G Unit

L.A. I wanted to move their for college and work. After being there for work and vacation I'd never want to settle down there. Almost everyone is out of touch with reality and shallow.

Jun 07 11 - 10:02pm
espresso

Joe is sexy.

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