The Top 5 Billionaires You Should Be Gold Digging

Did you say "In-house dinosaur park"?

By Johannah King-Slutzky

Clive Palmer, billionaire, already had a life-size T-Rex on his estate in Australia. Now he's announced that he's won approval from the Sunshine Coast council to build an additional 149 life-size dinosaur models on his resort. Fuck yes. Suddenly, I remember why the institution of marriage exists: so we can gold dig our way into Palmer and co's dino-loving hearts. Here are the Top 5 billionaires you should be gold digging.

1. Clive Palmer, Net Worth $8 Billion
If you had any reservations about gold digging, arrest them here. Dinosaur love is an activity for the pure of heart; that means gold digging your way to Jurassic Park is excusable-- the ends justify the means. Palmer's resort will include 150 life size dinosaurs including the T-Rex pictured above, whose name is Jeff. The council's approval came with 30 conditions, all of which basically explained that the dinosaurs can't roar too loudly. In other words, go ahead and wedlock rock Palmer's world, just do it quietly.

2. Elon Musk, Net Worth $4.5 Billion
Elon Musk is the guy who (co)founded PayPal. You know what that means: endless internet shopping. He technically sold PayPal to eBay in 2002, but he'll probably still be understanding when you blow a couple thou on an online auction for New Zealand or an $800 artisinal "Bottom Feeder Teacup" on Etsy. Perhaps more to the point, through his company SpaceX, Musk became the first person to send a privately funded vehicle into Earth's orbit. The rocket, Falcon 1, is now integral to the International Space Station's daily operations.

3. J.K. Rowling, Net Worth $1 Billion
In your nuptials, demand a vow that she'll write you a secret 8th Harry Potter book. Hoard it, cherish it, read it in your grown up pillow fort. Eventually you'll sell it and donate the sales to a charity of your choice in order to ensure your fame as a lover-of-YA literature and high caliber philanthropist. Consider also purchasing twin terriers named Fred and George to seal your status as a power couple in domestic bliss.

4. Steven A. Cohen, Net Worth $9.3 Billion
Steven A. Cohen has been implicated in an insider trading scandal since November 2012 and top members of his hedge fund, SAC Capital, were just indicted Thursday morning. Cohen also kind of sucks because he's become a notorious "trophy art collector"-- somebody who collects signature pieces from famous artists implicitly only for their status and financial worth. It's pretty fun to rag on him. Artworks in Cohen's reservoir include a $110 million Jasper Johns "Flag," two Willem de Koonings for $137.5 and $63.5 million each, a $155 million Picasso, Warhol's "Turquoise Marilyn" for $80 million, and, famously, Damien Hirst's "The Physical Impossibility of Death In The Mind Of Someone Living" (that floating shark thing) for $8 million, which is fun because Cohen immediately drained the piece of its original formaldehyde. Haha, it's cool, it's just art you guys. Maaaaybe this guy genuinely likes art. But maybe he's just an asshole. You know how hate-watching reality TV is a thing? The way I figure it, you can gold dig your way into Cohen's heart, then gleefully watch him self destruct until you cash in for that divorce. Or you can just enjoy the paintings. You know, whatever.

5. Oprah Winfrey, Net Worth $2.7 Billion
There's an episode of Angel (the Buffy spin off) in which a TV star/armchair therapist named Jasmine is revealed to be supernatural and full of maggots. Ever since viewing this particularly terrifying reveal, I've tried to be weary of Oprah's confession-inducing power, but my stony resolve is meaningless to ameliorate her charms. I love Oprah. Oprah is the only African American billionaire and one of the few female billionaires whose wealth wasn't inherited. I imagine being married to Oprah would be like being horse-whispered to 24/7. That calm, that self-assuredness. It would also mean bro-ing out with any celebrity you please (who would turn down Oprah's invitation?) and kicking back in her $52 million California estate ambitiously named "The Promised Land."

Honorable Mention: 
Though Steve of Hobbit House of Montana is presumably not a billionaire, Hooksexup staffers agreed unanimously that he deserved inclusion on this list. Check out these shire-themed digs.

 

Follow Johannah on Twitter @jjjjjjjjohannah