Groovy conservative teen mag tells you all about boys, makeup, and the liberal media bias

If you're a working writer (lolz!) who is steadily employed by a well-respected print publication (double lolz!) you should consider tendering your resignation now. After all, you don't want to be otherwise engaged on the off-chance that The Conservative Teen, a new magazine aimed at Reagan-worshipping, big government-hating youngsters, comes knockin' at your door looking for writers. The quarterly, nationally circulated publication aims to counter the influence of the liberal agenda on today's youth by illustrating the evils of premarital sex, Obamacare, and, um, Glee. 

Although the magazine is no longer available for free online, Wonkette was kind enough to post screenshots of some of the ads and articles from the first issue. And it is... honestly, I wish I were funny enough to make this stuff up, but I think even Raw-era Eddie Murphy would be hard-pressed to come up with this material. There is an article that claims that The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is a parable for young conservatives reshaping America. There is an article explaining why abstinence works (because it increases the chances of having a successful, stable marriage later in life) and how you can make it work for you (presumably, by spending every waking minute assaulting your genitals like you are a mob boss and they owe you money). There is even an article titled "Understanding Liberals," which I like to imagine is accompanied by a drawing of a nebbishy, Woody Allen look-alike spearing an infant with a harpoon. 

The best part about The Conservative Teen, however, is that it doesn't look like any teens, conservative or otherwise, had much input in the editorial process. The articles are all written by people associated with the Heritage Foundation, the Family Research Council, Fox Business News, or the Media Research Center. There's even an article about Native American history by epically mustachioed former ABC News correspondent John Stossel, who as a youth I always used to confuse with '70s porn star Johnny "Wad" Holmes. (As you can probably guess, I was clearly not a member of The Conservative Teen's target audience,)

However, let's pretend for a moment that I am a member of The Conservative Teen's target audience. I imagine a situation where I find this in my mailbox and my first thought is something like, "Gee, I dunno if John Stossel/Johnny "Wad" Holmes can really speak to the issues that are most relevant to me, an average American teenager." Then I'd think, "Well, then again, the editors of Seventeen are probably just as ill-equipped to speak to these average American teenage issues as John Stossel is, so I guess there's slim pickings all around." The lack of representation for my average American teenage voice would enrage me so much that I'd run away from home to start my own 'zine. Then I'd shave my head, become a freegan, and start sleeping with a middle-aged doula named Ampersand. And we'd spend the rest of our lives raising alpacas and selling their wool to college students.

This is your future, Conservative Teen readers. Eating garbage and raising animals that were too dumb to decide to be llamas. So please. Choose your reading material wisely.