Leave the Spitzers Alone!

"Spitzer was into diapers!" my best friend gasped to me over the phone, not even bothering to say "hi" first. That used to cause me glee, too, and a feeling that I’d learned something. But what does that tell us, really? We already know some men are into being diapered. If he is, how does that affect his job, his children, his marriage? Maybe not at all. If someone wants diapers, I think they should have them. How many men have yearned, secretly and ashamedly, for diapers, and gone without, out of fear? Are those men really so much better than someone who just friggin’ goes for the diapers? I always prefer the one who lives his dreams, no matter what. If only, if only, Spitzer had spent his own money doing it, though. Oh!

During my three-year divorce/custody battle, my sexuality — and suppositions about my sexuality — were used against me. Contents of my bedroom were included in an investigative report about my parenting. A judge was given several of my Hooksexup articles to read; he was asked to consider my beliefs, and my job, reasons to question my responsibility. In a soundproof room, I was videotaped testifying about my past and present sex life. Social workers spoke to my children’s teachers and pediatricians. The IRS got involved.

Although none of that compares to making nationwide news, it did give me a taste of being wondered about aloud. Having to explain why I do what I do in such a one-sided manner (none of the investigators or the gossipers explained what they did at night or at a Days’ Inn) reinforced my conviction that every couple has the right to — and really must — negotiate what works for them.

At least Spitzer (and I, I guess) have been criticized for our actions. Poor Silda Spitzer is getting nationwide criticism for her reaction to something her husband did. She was trying to maintain the good-wife ideal in a changing situation under great scrutiny. NPR made fun of her by playing "Stand By Your Man." (NPR! They don’t make fun of anyone!)

But what reaction would everyone have preferred? What marriage would we have chosen for those two people whom we’ve never met? Is your marriage or relationship so great? When your heart is trampled, do you demonstrate correct demeanor?

Soon, one supposes, Stockholm Syndrome will set in, and Spitzer and Silda, a la McGreevey and Dina, will take over our job: they will divorce, turn the newspapers into a public record of the private lives, and publish matching his-and-hers confessionals — feeding a cycle which shows no sign of ending.  n°

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