The wine bar is this type of situation incarnate. When the little sommelier poured the wine, he poured it into my date's glass first. The date then sniffed his drink long and hard, held it up toward the light. I dutifully followed his lead. He told me about the region of Italy that the grapes were from. Eventually, the topic drifted away from the wine, but the tone had been set. We talked about the time he spent studying in Italy — turns out he's fluent in Italian. We talked about Italian history, then other types of history, then his family history — something to do with the wax industry. What about my family history? He wanted to know. I don't really know my family history. I should learn more about it. Genealogy is fascinating, he assured me.
Things continued along this vein. Without a hint of arrogance, he brought up topics ranging from upcoming foreign elections to an indie band called S.K. Robot. He mentioned an old movie he'd recently seen at the Anthology Film Archives, an art-house theater with uncomfortable seating. He affably asked me what I'd seen recently; all I could think of was The Descent.
"I feel inauthentic enough on first dates," says Joey, a twenty-five year old who lives in the East Village. Joey was once taken on a date to a wine bar by a girl who he describes as "pretty in a drastic way."
"I had just moved to New York days before, and many things were making me feel mature and immature at the
I began to feel like as if he were on a date with himself, and I was his wingman.
same time," he says. "I remember feeling so out of place [in the bar] that I didn't know what to do with myself or what to say. If being at the wine bar made me feel grown up and proud to be living on my own in New York City, it also made me feel like a total fraud, and I haven't been back since."
When I tell people I dislike being taken to wine bars because I don't know wine, they don't understand why I can't just say to my date, "You know what? Why don't you order? I don't know anything about this." Self-deprecation is endearing, they point out. And I agree. The thing is, I already feel like I'm playing catch-up, even on neutral turf, when I'm in a date situation. My deprecation flows without a wine bar to help it along. And it's not that I'm unwilling to learn something new. I'm just looking for a level field where one person isn't there to show the other person "how it's done." I felt I had been brought to this wine bar for the express purpose of being wowed, to play the role of the magician's assistant, smiling brainlessly as he theatrically saws me in half and makes doves fly out of my segmented torso. I began to feel as if he were on a date with himself, and I was his wingman.
"The fact of the matter is, wine tasting is an intellectually dead pursuit. It's interesting for about fifteen seconds," says Leslie, a twenty-six-year-old journalist from the Upper East Side. "The culture is akin to the way academics use big words to make themselves sound impressive."
I think she's right. I remember a few facts I learned from my date that night, but there wasn't much in the way of incisive discussion, mainly because I felt I was out of my league. I shrank from raising points I might have brought up at a venue that didn't seem to demand a requisite expertise. Like I said, I struggle with this even when I feel comfortable.
When we left the bar, I was more than a little drunk. Over four glasses of wine — each a different type, each a new opportunity for a lesson in grapes — I'd learned that my date knew how to fix motorcycles, was scuba certified, had read the Koran, could bake a soufflé and was working on a pilot for the Cartoon Network starring characters he had designed in his spare time. None of this was relayed to me with smugness. It was simply put out there on the table, like the wine.
Afterward, we walked around for a while, then parted ways for what would turn out to be the first and last time. He headed for the 6 train. I headed for a bar. n°
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Will Doig has written for New York magazine, Black Book, Out, The Advocate and Highlights for Children. He was raised in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Today he lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
