Horoscopes by Neal Medlyn Scorpio: Make like a red-breasted wood thrush when considering who to mount. /advice/
REGULARS
posted 3/5/2007
MAR 5 - MAR 11
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
How did I miss the ascendancy of the word "pop"? As in "he really made the movie pop"? Where was I? You look at the internet every day, thinking you're on top of things and, no. It will be best to accept that you've failed to notice some key development this week. Don't get too bent out of shape, even if this oversight leaves you going home alone some. There's fun to be had between your own legs.
promotion
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Why are people always oppressing you? As if there's something inherently wrong with trying to have carnal knowledge with that many people in a twenty-four hour period! You're liable to be blindsided by convention this week, and it's likely to be considerably more conservative than you think. Just because there's porn on the Internet doesn't mean that we've suddenly become a sexually enlightened country, so keep certain information to yourself this week.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
There's a super-long movie out now that just shows monks sitting around, eating gruel and being quiet, and I'm dying to see it! You too are in for a week of contemplating such quiet, solemn moments. You'll want to reflect on the meaning of your orgasms; to slow your life's pace down in order to appreciate the longer spans of time you'll be spending doing it. Find a way to shut out the noisy outside world and quietly think and come.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Sex in nature is not often characterized by carefully tousled hair or American Apparel. There's usually some quivering, growling and then a sudden bunch of humping. Regardless of how many heather black hoodies you may wear this week, you'll have a lot in common with the animal kingdom. Your desire may not pretty to look at, but it's going to be mighty powerful if you can find someone in the forest to mate with.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Something vague yet powerful will be in the air this week, carrying with it the potential for intercourse that will render quaint all the recorded details of your previous debaucheries. Like all vague winds that blow across the land, promising pelvic soreness of the best kind, this one might disappear as easily as it could bring you good luck. How to increase the chances that it'll pay off? Don't try too hard. Just go about your business, but keep a good supply of condoms at hand at all times.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
That war inside you, about whether to pretend you like the Arcade Fire or to admit you still watch that "Dick in a Box" clip once a day, will reach a peak this week. It should be quickly resolved however, as this will be a "Dick in a Box" week from top to bottom. Nothing will be more satisfying than continuing to revel in those sexual antics that, despite how long you've been doing them, still haven't gotten old. Don't be ashamed, and don't feel the need to keep things fresh. Your sex life isn't a blog. You can afford to have the same picture up for as long as it feels this good.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Feel like throwing a big old sex party complete with streamers, party hats and daisy chains? Well, this is your week. People around you may not realize it, but they've been down in the dumps because of a serious lack of entertainment. Take it upon yourself to enlighten and sexually service them. You'll not only get to break out your fun dry-clean-only party outfits, but the host gets all sorts of presents. And at a sex party, that's no small thing.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Don't be surprised if you go from excited to regretful in the time it takes to unzip someone's pants. All things sexual carry a high risk this week, and it will be pretty hard to tell who's going to elicit that regretful "uh-oh" until it's too late. So keep that in mind. If you think you can extract yourself from a situation even after underpants are removed, try your luck. If not, you may want to wait a while.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The "It just happened!" excuse for sex is always pretty dubious, but you're in for an encounter that may make it seem real. Sudden and unexpected making out lurks behind many corners this week, so keep your eyes open. Of course, if this encounter will mean that you're cheating on someone and will have to utter the three aforementioned words, re-think going through with it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Someone may glare at you reprovingly all week, so get ready for some stern words. Hope they mean them in a sexy way, but listen and investigate closely before assuming they do. Also, if they try to chain you to a radiator all Black Snake Moan style, leave.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Being coy may not always work, but "accidentally" creating a website of sexy pictures of you and then "accidentally" sending it to certain people will yield great results this week. I'm not trying to say she did this, but those frolicking-in-the-fountain pictures certainly haven't hurt Antonella Barba so far.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week will be all about you peering around, looking for problems to solve, preferably with the aid of your genital sidekicks. This is going to be a whole lot of fun, but there may be a few setbacks in the form of miscommunications and poorly chosen words. For example, I wouldn't suggest actually calling your genitals your sidekicks. Still, plunge forth, being slightly more careful with your words, but plunging just the same.
