The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Palin camp may get SNL time to respond to Fey sketches. Wahlberg camp still mum on their demands. Plus: Dexter, Brothers and Sisters and Gwen Ifill reacts to Queen Latifah.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Talk about a big give: feel-good, Oprah-y vibes abound for you insatiable rams this week. After last month's emotional breakdowns, Aries will finally get their shit together come April. But with Mars in retrograde, you need to strike while the iron's still reasonably warm. Don't fight the ticking clocks, embrace them: Deadlines are still looming, no matter how many times you've taken the battery out of your Timex Ironman.
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Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Restrictive, fuzzy and mysterious aren't just apt descriptions of a straight-jacket made of teddy bears; they're also the perfect adjectives for your love life this week. Whether you're in a relationship, on the prowl, or stoked to be flying solo, your objectives and desires are going to feel all muddled, like there's some big emotional tsunami on the rise that you can see but can't run from. And even though unleashing your insecurities on suspecting passersby sounds really satisfying, you'll feel more together if you draw up a little list of what's got you down, and then set it on fire.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Checks and balances may seem like a thing of the past under our current administration, but they're going to be especially important for you, twinsie. Since last week was all decisions and pragmatism, you're going to want to toss aside your responsibilities. But using that kind of logic to justify throwing your better intentions out of the window is like trying to balance out a jelly doughnut with a Diet Coke — it may stave off the guilt for a couple of hours, but once the buzz is gone you just feel kinda queasy.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Listen up, Crabby McCrabberson: it's all well and good to put up the cool front every now and then, but you're not really doing anybody any favors by keeping your needs to yourself. Especially this week, when you're all fired up, flustered and seemingly always good to go, you'll want to surround yourself with people who are equally down for whatever. But a word of caution: some people are going to take your actions more seriously than you may mean them, so make sure everything's out in the open before you get to it.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Nobody likes to be cooped up when it's all warm and sunny outside, and it's especially daunting when everyone you know is busy debauching like it's their last day on earth. But even impulsive little go-getters like you need to sit back and reflect sometimes, and there's no time like the post-equinox week to get your analysis on. Even though you may not be at your preferred spot in the middle of the bump and grind, stimulating your other g-spot — your brain, darling — will bring you closer with someone who's more likely to stick around long after the wild parties have wound down.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Having more or less what you want brings with it the problem of. . . well, of feeling like you already have what you want. You're used to worrying like it's an Olympic sport, pulling apart statements and actions as though they're Kinder Eggs with some hidden agenda lurking beneath layers of sweet, sweet chocolate. But sometimes, a good thing is just a good thing. It's time for you to start trusting your instincts and enjoying your current love situation for what it is; save the moping and neurosis for crises that actually deserve them. Like what you're going to do with all that icing in your fridge.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
With last week's good fortune in love, life and spontaneous bursts of fun, your energy is running on overdrive. And since you can only make so many trips to the gym, and only spend so much time with last week's scintillating sweetie (without coming on too strong, that is), it's time to look into finding another outlet for that restless leg syndrome. Take a stroll in a neighborhood you've never explored before, or sign up for a singles salsa class. There's nothing sexier than being able to suggest a creative hole-in-the-wall hot-spot for your next rendezvous, then exposing your ability to shake those hips.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Whew! Someone's on a roll this month, eh? There's never been a more powerful moment in time for your sign's signature characteristics of passion, confidence and creativity to be expressed in their best light. Since every aspect of your life from bank account to bedroom is brimming with bliss, this is absolutely a time for you to decorate the details of your life with a splash of passion, too. Pour those creative sparks of yours all over projects like crafting the perfect mood-lighting for your bedroom, or painting "artistic" nudes on the ceiling. Who cares if you're no Michelangelo? This week, you have the unofficial license to pretend.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You only bought one ticket, but the ride operator just won't let you off the tilt-a-whirl. You've never been one to shy away from excitement, but even the best rides get old after a while. You need a break from this month's ups and downs, which is exactly what you're going to get this week. Sit back and relax for once, find your bearings and re-start your engine. Besides, as a saucy Sag, we're sure you'll find a way to take advantage of the extra couch time. . . wink, wink.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Have you been heeding our advice to unlock the shackles that bind your life, Caps? We're betting there may still be a few knots that need loosening before you take off into the big, wide open. But if you can untangle 'em, you'll reap the rewards of unrestrained freedom. Life can't wait to finally meet you. We know you're scared to let go, but don't worry: the stars promise to take it slow at first. No skydiving quite yet.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You know that one annoying co-worker who loudly describes the details of his or her sex life while you're on a business call? Or blasts the office radio when you're an hour from deadline? This person, a cankersore that never seems to heal, needs a reality check. This week, try laying the Orajel on thick; put that pustule of a person in their place, for good. We know you'll say there's no evidence that they're purposely trying to make your life miserable, but the stars suggest otherwise, and a little confrontation may be necessary if you wish to maintain your sanity.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Well, well, well, you certainly tore things up this past weekend, didn't you, little fish? Spittin' game and takin' digits like it was going out of style — you lit up every room. Not to mention that saucy moment of channeling John Travolta (circa Saturday Night Fever) on the dance floor. And we thought you'd never be caught dead poppin' that collar! We're thrilled you've decided to heed our advice and swim to the surface of the dark and brooding ocean in which you often try to lose yourself. We told you before that this month would end on a high note, and with Venus and Uranus conjoining in Pisces this week, you have all the reason to keep on dancing well into April.
