Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You'll be struck by an urge to issue ultimatums this week, but as New York's mother found out on Flavor of Love, such grandstanding only leads to embarrassment. No matter how sure you are that you've got the upper hand, if you find your bluff called, you'll have Flavor Flav laughing you off the stage until you're left with nothing. Only bet as much as you're willing to lose.
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Oh God, you think, what are they doing down there? Is that a finger or a tongue? I can't even tell. This is so unpleasant. Your sex life is so plagued with negative thoughts that you can't even enjoy the act. A little self-analysis will reveal that these are springing from a previous bad relationship or sexual encounter. Concentrate on the person in front of you (or under you) and remind yourself that they can't be held accountable for the sins others have perpetrated against your crotch.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Talking around your desires has worked for you so far, but you'll be pleasantly surprised this week if you come right out and say what you mean. Just like in She's All That, a Freddie Prinze Jr.-type will take an interest in your underpants, causing you to whip off your homely horn-rims and embrace your sex appeal. You'll be a more forthright person and get what you want. Just don't lose sight of your modesty — candor and humility make for an irresistible mix.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Where better to rant against the prudish cultural forces that constrain you than with a group of like-minded individuals? This week, get some friends together, pilfer a few office supplies and Xerox a bunch of those posters with the tear-off phone-number tabs at the bottom. Then invite all the callers to your office to see how many people can fit into one cubicle. If you don't have Trojan-condom Christmas-tree ornaments in your office like Hooksexup does, be sure to buy some in advance.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I was particularly scarred several years ago when a health professional told me there's nothing wrong with mutual masturbation. What a difference a few years can make! Now I see the appeal, as well as the potential health benefits, such as callus prevention. This week, try a solo activity as a group. You'll be surprised how much easier it is.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You'll feel insecure this week, which doesn't sound all that much fun until you think about those hot dork movies like Some Kind of Wonderful. Once you consider how sexy it is to wear fingerless gloves and play the drums, you'll wonder why anyone ever tries to get laid by being cute and confident. Screw Lea Thompson — Eric Stoltz will be on you before the final credits.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You'll be a sucker for intensity this week. To satiate this, you could take up extreme sports and compete against others in a heat of BMX-scuba-boxing. Or, perhaps more aptly, find ways to be a daredevil in your own bedroom. How close and how many times can you get to coming and still stop yourself? Compete with a comely lad or lass of your choice and leave your bike to rust.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You'll feel suffocated by elaborate sexual tactics this week — acrobatic positions and moves ripped from that Dancing With the Stars episode starring a bald Joey Lawrence. You'll be tempted to try to match these extremes, but that could prove disastrous. Tone down the intensity. There's no reason to force such elaborate kicks and twirls into an act that's already pretty well honed.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
The fact that you look at photos of penises and vaginas without blinking makes you feel too worldly for blushing, but blush you will when approached by a certain crush this week. Don't be surprised if the blush doesn't last long, however, as innocence is hard to maintain. My parents used to make me cover my eyes during movie nudity, but I peeked. Your eagerness to peek down this person's pants may quickly end your blushing days too.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It's not so much that someone close to you is bragging about that time they worked for Jon Stewart. It's that when the subject turns to you, they have a "solution" to every one of your problems, whether you ask for one or not. Advice with highly suspect subtext will come your way this week, and the fact that all this bragging and advice is being given while the two of you are pounding away at each other in bed means it's time to take my advice and drop this person.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You won't have much choice when it comes to your high level of sexual activity this week. Forces beyond your control will sweep you along in a lascivious tidal wave of limbs and tongues. The urge to fight against it, especially given how much else you have to do, may be strong, but remember what they teach you about surviving strong riptides: swim with them rather than struggle in the opposite direction.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
If it weren't for two thin layers of fabric, you could get your hands all over their body. If it weren't for one thin wall, you could watch your roommate doing it with their hot lover and join in at an opportune moment. Oh, how tantalizingly close your sexual dreams are to reality! Be careful how you approach making them come true. Clawing at strangers' shirts in public is highly discouraged.
