Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week you'll meet someone with whom you seem to be able to talk forever. This will be mere prelude to great sex. Your pelvises will communicate in ways that words just can't convey. Just beware what happened to me last time I found someone I could talk to all night: we did just that, and never got around to unzipping our pants. Be sure to eventually run out of things to say.
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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Have you ever seen those puppetry performances where the puppeteer is dressed in black and can barely be seen? Attend a performance or two this week, as learning to keep certain aspects of yourself hidden will lead to some great performances in your own life. A low profile will allow you to manipulate those "puppets" to fulfill all your sick little fantasies. Just leave the socks off your hands — that's not nearly as cute as you think it is.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week, choose wisely. In the Cecil B. DeMille movie about Cleopatra, Antony ignores his duty and decides to get drunk while watching Cleopatra's slaves do a sexy lion-tamer floorshow at her behest; he and Cleopatra end up falling in love. But then there's Caesar, who didn't listen to his put-upon wife and got stabbed by all his friends when he walked to work. The moral of all this is, a) skip work, and b) if anyone gets you drunk and puts on a floorshow, take off your pants immediately.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Shiny Mylar balloons extolling people to "get well" will represent your week as someone near you starts feeling down about their sex life. Luckily for them you'll be there with things both inflated and fuzzy to cheer them up. Of course, given the source of their sadness, the fuzzy things may be your pubes, but rest assured these will cheer them as much as any raised-letter Hallmark card could.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This is an auspicious week to begin something, if only so you can get past your recent bout of malaise. Take time to figure out what's been needling you, as it's beginning to take a toll on your sex life. The only things you should feel penetrated by are made of hot, throbbing erectile flesh. Perhaps the big project to begin, then, is washing up and going out.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Musky scents, unmanaged body hair, stern looks and lots of physical exertion: this week, you'll reek of machismo as it drips from your pores in the form of nasty man-sweat. Spend some time masturbating over muscle-car magazines, shout things like "boo-ya!" and grab someone especially Burt Reynolds-esque for a hot, scruffy makeout session.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You're game for anything this week, but you'll run up against technical difficulties. There you are, dressed provocatively with Al Green on the stereo, and yet all sorts of awkwardness ensues. This button won't come undone, something else gets caught on a bra hook, etc. The solution does not involve staying home instead, as your electric friends have malfunction-prone parts as well. Best to get naked as quickly and early as possible.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
There's a war on Christmas, and it's up to you to do something about it this week. I don't mean all that Bill O'Reilly "happy holidays" silliness. I mean the fact that wretched Tim Allen has become the de facto voice of Santa Claus. Encourage other Santa prospects to rise through the ranks and get rid of Tim. Find chubby, bearded people anywhere you can (male or female), and fuck them until they're willing to stage a revolution.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Dirty talk will be the order of the week, adding all sorts of nuance to your sex life. You'll discover proclivities that will surprise you about your own desires and those of others. Your partner may be less adventurous than you, so save the really extreme stuff that involves plush animal outfits and Alex Trebek for the weekend, by which time they'll be sufficiently loosened up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Like a person trying to get into a sex party or Rupert Holmes's character in "If You Like Piña Coladas," you'll find that working with your partner this week will get you farther than ditching them. It costs way more to get into an orgy as a single, and in the movie, Barry finds out it's his girlfriend who placed the personal ad he responded to. You have compatible goals, so don't obsess over where those goals differ.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
I know some pretty juicy gossip about a mini-scandal at a big newspaper involving some bad behavior by a celebrity. Wanna know what it is? Well I'm not going to tell you, because you need to go out and find your own gossip this week, as it will have a big impact on your sex life. Perhaps you'll be whispering scandalous tidbits with someone in bed, or perhaps you'll just do a few things in public that will incite the chattering class to talk about you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your week will be an argument for capitalism, as competition for your crotch will result in a better product. Just be sure and keep your eyes open for signs of tension between people competing for your sexual stock. Don't try to influence events; let the market work its magic and you'll find your raking in dividends of the dirtiest variety.
