Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
If someone says you're like an insect in the sack, they're probably right. Except bugs are cooler. For example, they use something called a copulatory plug: after the male insect gets his sperm in a female, he plugs her up with mucous or by staying on top of (and in) her for months or by actually crawling up in there and dying. They do this in order to protect their sperm, their paternity. That's a lot more fair, I think, than what the human male is willing to do in the name of his sperm. Claustration is the law that women must wear veils and stay indoors, forbidden to even speak to any person outside the immediate family. Cliterectomies are still performed in some African and Muslim societies today: the girl's clitoris, labia minora and majora are removed (often with broken glass, without anesthesia), and the two sides of her vulva are sewn together (usually with catgut). For her wedding night, she is cut open to make intercourse possible. And don't think the human forms of copulatory plugs are practiced only "over there." What about those thugs who appear proudly on the Sally Jesse Raphael show? The ones who won't let their women use the phone or makeup or have contact with friends. If the woman goes to the grocery store, she's timed and her car's mileage is read immediately upon her return. I don't like to think about these sad goings-on, but I do enjoy learning about those crazy bugs, birds and animals all of whom seem to leap joyfully into their fates. I mean, yeah, the praying mantis will bite the head off her mate during intercourse, but he approached her . . . he knew this was coming. He must even have been longing for it, in a way.
For sensuality and complexity, the scorpionfly puts the ancient Roman orgies replete with tables of greasy food, naked slaves, amoral noblewomen and vomitoriums to shame. The male scorpionflys line up, clasping big dead bugs in their feet (to show what good providers they are) and the female nibbles on the various offerings. The menfolk try all the while to make genital contact, but they're rebuffed until she's decided who has the biggest, juiciest nuptial gift. The female eats the entire time they're fucking, and leaves when the food's gone, even if he didn't come yet! So a male with a smaller prey can only get it on for about five minutes, whereas a big one could make it last twenty hot minutes. If there's any food left after the act is over, they fight over it. The male usually wins, and offers the remains to some new female. (Is that like going home with some guy and he pulls a vibrator out of the drawer mid-act and you notice it's kind of sticky?) Question: I bet those Scorpionflys practice transvestitism too, don't they? Answer: Why yes, they do! Some males will approach another, bug-carrying male and pretend to be a receptive female then when the genital touching begins, they snatch the dead bug and fly away before the other guy realizes there are two penises in the picture.
For some, cross-dressing isn't enough. They need actual transexuality, along with group gropes. The slipper limpet (a relative of the periwinkle) is one of these starting life as a male, ending up a female, living in piles, getting penises stuck in them when they're female, and doing the sticking as soon as they get a stick to stick with. Snails, on the other hand, are hermaphrodites male and female at the same time. They meet, press their bodies together, feel each other up with their tentacles for hours, dripping slime all over the place. Eventually they get boners and enter each others vaginas simultaneously. The black slugs do it in the air, dangling from their slime rope attached to a tree limb. Out come their two-inch-long penises (that's pretty darn big for a little slug!) and sperm is exchanged. Question: Speaking of penises . . . we all know about the six-foot whale penis, but guess what his balls weigh? Answer: Up to 2,000 pounds!
I know I already discussed this in the intro, but I never get tired of the Praying mantis story. Let me go over the details one more time: She bites his head off at the start and eats it while he's pumping her. The center of the male insect's copulatory control is in his abdomen, while the role of the brain (the one in his head) is largely inhibitory. Decapitation removes inhibition, and he pumps into her with fantastic abandon in his death throes. While she continues eating the rest of him legs, hairy feet and all. Question: Is that the sexiest thing you ever heard? Answer: Yes.
Another case of fucking to death: The antechinus is a small marsupial which dies at eleven and a half months, which is also the age of the first and last time they rut. During their last week of life they run around in a frenzy, looking for females, not eating, losing their hair and teeth and one-third of their body weight within days. Examination of the corpse reveals gastrointestinal ulcers these poor little guys died from stress. They were so freaked out about getting their fucking in, they died. Question: Is that the second sexiest thing you ever heard? Answer: No, of course not! Imagine the poor lady antechinuses their only option for sex in their whole life is herds of balding, toothless, saggy, dying freaks!
Yet more death: The male deep-sea anglerfish fastens onto the female and slowly degenerates until he is only a bag of reproductive tissues. How must that feel? A friend of mine answered: "Like marriage." I don't think that was a very nice thing to say. Question: Is this better or worse than getting snapped up by a female praying mantis? Answer: Purposely rotting must take a very long time. The life of the anglerfish stud is . . . I can imagine no worse.
A copulatory plug is the opposite of a condom or an I.U.D. Insects use it, as do marsupials, bats, rats, hedgehogs, and snakes. It's a gluey substance secreted by the male to block the female's genital opening, after he's had his way with her. This keeps the sperm safe inside and keeps other males from entering to dislodge your sperm with their own vital burst. Some worms use copulatory plugs on their rival males after committing homosexual rape on them! One kind of fly uses his body as a copulatory plug. He dies inside her vagina Then she eats him. Now that is a complex form of eating yourself out! Question: How long is the South African grasshopper's sex act? Answer: A month! That's one-third of his lifetime (which would translate to a 29-year-long, continuous sex act for us). He uses his penis as the copulatory plug. A species of walking stick (an insect that looks like a twig) can go at it for almost three months straight.
This one just makes me cry: Children fucking children eating children. The fly that never grows up. The gall midges, as larva, produce eggs that develop into larvae which then devour their mom from within before their mom has even grown up! The mom-eaters get eaten in turn by their children, but this is little consolation. Several generations can exist without a single adult. Lord of the Flies indeed! Question: Some flies have penises longer than the rest of their bodies. Does it dangle when they fly? Answer: I don't know! Please tell me if I am the only one to find this thought exciting, even though I know where the fly is wont to mate (in poop).
I bet Michael Jackson and his plastic surgeon's assistant, the mother of his children Prince and Paris, did it like squids: The male passes his sperm in a packet to the female by means of a hectocotylus (which means "really long arm"). Then there's the Red mite, who just leaves his sperm on the ground and when a female happens by, she picks it up and sticks it in her. Also called to mind would be the Drassodes spider, which kidnaps a young, small female and keeps her till she's just big enough to enter. Question: Did MJ really pay that Debbie woman two million dollars so that she'd give him the children and never have contact with them again? Answer: I can't believe it either, but it's true. Would you sell your children to someone who claims his favorite "sport" is throwing water balloons at German boys because it brings him "so much joy"?
Next time the man in your life scoffs at your claim of PMS, tell him what female monkeys with PMS do: scream at their mates and children and bite fingers off their trainers. Then show him your teeth in a very big smile. Question: Do animals ever do drugs? Answer: Yes whenever scientists give them some. When animals' serotonin levels are artificially reduced, they don't even care what species they're fucking, never mind gender. They participate in group sex, often harming or killing their partners during the act. (Note to those of you on Prozac: that drug tends to boost your seratonin, thereby rendering you less likely to engage in experimental sex or murder.)
While doing it, the lioness growls and the lion meows. He can get it on up to eighty-six times in one day. Camels do it sitting. The two-toed sloth prefer the missionary style. Chimpanzees are known to "wife swap" and have group sex. Cats can have feline herpes. Some foxes bite when they french-kiss. A male mouse can't grow his testicles full-size till the dominant (or "boss") male in his territory dies. If a pregnant mouse catches a whiff of a newly big-penised male, she spontaneously aborts. Question: We should always wash our hands after urinating, right? Answer: We-e-ell . . . The female human can detect "boar taint" of pork, a pheromone in boar urine that puts sows in the mood. Men, boys and girls cannot smell it. An ovulating woman smells it best of all. So, men, those pee drops on your fly might not be so bad after all, when you're in the updraft of an egg-dropping woman.
Similar to the thirteen-year-old homo sapien, many male insects will try to have sex with: each other, flowers, bananas, sticks, cans and bottles. The fruit fly is one of these indiscriminate humpers. He is also the only male in my research who goes down on his lady. He "licks her genitilia" said one very scientific textbook. The African mouthbrooder, a fish, gets tricked into simultaneous oral/anal sex. She carries her eggs around in her mouth. Mistaking the male's sperm-covered anal fin for lost eggs, she takes it into her mouth. (But does she swallow?) Question: Can we bring this all back to death and bisexuality, for consistency's sake? Answer: Sure! Add this to that list of things a randy digger bee will mount and penetrate: the cold, hard bodies of dead female and male bees. And yes, he does come.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Lisa Carver is the author of the books Dancing Queen, Rollerderby, The Lisa Diaries and Drugs Are Nice. She's written for Hustler,Index, Icon, Feed,Newsday and Playboy, among others. She lives in New Hampshire.
For sensuality and complexity, the scorpionfly puts the ancient Roman orgies replete with tables of greasy food, naked slaves, amoral noblewomen and vomitoriums to shame. The male scorpionflys line up, clasping big dead bugs in their feet (to show what good providers they are) and the female nibbles on the various offerings. The menfolk try all the while to make genital contact, but they're rebuffed until she's decided who has the biggest, juiciest nuptial gift. The female eats the entire time they're fucking, and leaves when the food's gone, even if he didn't come yet! So a male with a smaller prey can only get it on for about five minutes, whereas a big one could make it last twenty hot minutes. If there's any food left after the act is over, they fight over it. The male usually wins, and offers the remains to some new female. (Is that like going home with some guy and he pulls a vibrator out of the drawer mid-act and you notice it's kind of sticky?)
For some, cross-dressing isn't enough. They need actual transexuality, along with group gropes. The slipper limpet (a relative of the periwinkle) is one of these starting life as a male, ending up a female, living in piles, getting penises stuck in them when they're female, and doing the sticking as soon as they get a stick to stick with. Snails, on the other hand, are hermaphrodites male and female at the same time. They meet, press their bodies together, feel each other up with their tentacles for hours, dripping slime all over the place. Eventually they get boners and enter each others vaginas simultaneously. The black slugs do it in the air, dangling from their slime rope attached to a tree limb. Out come their two-inch-long penises (that's pretty darn big for a little slug!) and sperm is exchanged.
I know I already discussed this in the intro, but I never get tired of the Praying mantis story. Let me go over the details one more time: She bites his head off at the start and eats it while he's pumping her. The center of the male insect's copulatory control is in his abdomen, while the role of the brain (the one in his head) is largely inhibitory. Decapitation removes inhibition, and he pumps into her with fantastic abandon in his death throes. While she continues eating the rest of him legs, hairy feet and all.
Another case of fucking to death: The antechinus is a small marsupial which dies at eleven and a half months, which is also the age of the first and last time they rut. During their last week of life they run around in a frenzy, looking for females, not eating, losing their hair and teeth and one-third of their body weight within days. Examination of the corpse reveals gastrointestinal ulcers these poor little guys died from stress. They were so freaked out about getting their fucking in, they died.
Yet more death: The male deep-sea anglerfish fastens onto the female and slowly degenerates until he is only a bag of reproductive tissues. How must that feel? A friend of mine answered: "Like marriage." I don't think that was a very nice thing to say.
A copulatory plug is the opposite of a condom or an I.U.D. Insects use it, as do marsupials, bats, rats, hedgehogs, and snakes. It's a gluey substance secreted by the male to block the female's genital opening, after he's had his way with her. This keeps the sperm safe inside and keeps other males from entering to dislodge your sperm with their own vital burst. Some worms use copulatory plugs on their rival males after committing homosexual rape on them! One kind of fly uses his body as a copulatory plug. He dies inside her vagina Then she eats him. Now that is a complex form of eating yourself out!
This one just makes me cry: Children fucking children eating children. The fly that never grows up. The gall midges, as larva, produce eggs that develop into larvae which then devour their mom from within before their mom has even grown up! The mom-eaters get eaten in turn by their children, but this is little consolation. Several generations can exist without a single adult. Lord of the Flies indeed!
I bet Michael Jackson and his plastic surgeon's assistant, the mother of his children Prince and Paris, did it like squids: The male passes his sperm in a packet to the female by means of a hectocotylus (which means "really long arm"). Then there's the Red mite, who just leaves his sperm on the ground and when a female happens by, she picks it up and sticks it in her. Also called to mind would be the Drassodes spider, which kidnaps a young, small female and keeps her till she's just big enough to enter.
Next time the man in your life scoffs at your claim of PMS, tell him what female monkeys with PMS do: scream at their mates and children and bite fingers off their trainers. Then show him your teeth in a very big smile.
While doing it, the lioness growls and the lion meows. He can get it on up to eighty-six times in one day. Camels do it sitting. The two-toed sloth prefer the missionary style. Chimpanzees are known to "wife swap" and have group sex. Cats can have feline herpes. Some foxes bite when they french-kiss. A male mouse can't grow his testicles full-size till the dominant (or "boss") male in his territory dies. If a pregnant mouse catches a whiff of a newly big-penised male, she spontaneously aborts.
Similar to the thirteen-year-old homo sapien, many male insects will try to have sex with: each other, flowers, bananas, sticks, cans and bottles. The fruit fly is one of these indiscriminate humpers. He is also the only male in my research who goes down on his lady. He "licks her genitilia" said one very scientific textbook. The African mouthbrooder, a fish, gets tricked into simultaneous oral/anal sex. She carries her eggs around in her mouth. Mistaking the male's sperm-covered anal fin for lost eggs, she takes it into her mouth. (But does she swallow?)
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
