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    March 11, 2002

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    Having been married my entire adult life, in two more or less open marriages, I'm not too qualified to know the difference between casual and serious sex activities. I mean it with everybody! I once read something Napoleon said about Josephine, to explain why he didn't want to divorce her even though that might mean losing his empire (since she was too old to bear heirs): "But I'm used to her." He was used to yelling at her, sleeping with her, listening to her advice, having her around, cheating on her, getting really mad when she cheated on him; he was used to her pretty clothes, her ways in bed, how she could charm heads of state when his terrible table manners drove them away. In other words, he was used to her like he was used to life. He did eventually cave in to pressure though, and dumped old Josephine for a slew of nubile hotties, including some king's cousin (he married that one). Still he could not stop himself from visiting (in every sense of the word) Josephine at her little estate, his former summer getaway. And she was fat by then, too! I believe in marriage. I also believe in chance encounters. Napoleon, most of the respondents below and me: a bunch of greedy people who can't choose, doomed to regret.






    ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
    Lisa Carver is the author of the books Dancing Queen, Rollerderby, The Lisa Diaries and Drugs Are Nice. She's written for Hustler, Index, Icon, Feed, Newsday and Playboy, among others. She lives in New Hampshire.

    ©2002

    Lisa Carver and hooksexup.com, Inc.

    Comments ( 46 )

    I am married. And I definitely think dating sex is better. Married sex is much too predictable and routine. It doesn't have as much passion of spontaneity. Dating sex offers the prospect of so much discovery. It makes the whole experience so much richer.

    I would never get married again.

    dw commented on Mar 11 02 at 10:30 am

    Hello Lisa,
    Having read "the Ass is Always Greener..." I felt that I had to comment. You can't make love you can only give or receive love. Because love is a verb and requires action. Keeping this in mind, The second best sex you will ever have is when some one ignores there pleasuure and focous's there attention on observing what you need and giving it to you. The best sex you can ever have is when two people who know themseleves and there partner well, and they are attentive to each others needs. In other words really good sex requires work. You just can't lay there.
    Passion gives us the incentiive to work at it. Love is the willingness and caring to work at it, when there little passion. This ultimately can create great passion, don't give up!
    Chris

    HCR commented on Mar 11 02 at 11:52 am

    Hmm.....you know, the whole problem with marriage is the people involved. The sex is simply a victim of the couple's attitudes. I have a friend who strongly believes that marriage should be a three year contract! Girls get lazy and fat after that and guys get complacent and lazy. But if there was always the possibility that you're gonna lose what you love if you don't keep your game tight it could all be good. The same with sex. In dating sex, chicks seem to try harder. They seem more willing to try new things, have sex longer. They seem more likely to care about gaining weight and keepin that ass tight. After those vows, (I"m not married so this is speculation) and more so after children, women just seem to let it all go south...literally! The guys just seem to stop giving a shit too. So if everyone would just keep the dating attitude, and introduce a little of that love you get from marriage it's bound to stay very good for life. I mean, it's gotta be good to have sex whenever you want with the chick you think is the hottes female on the planet. Hopefully, she's thinkin he's the hottest guy on the planet and not "looking over his humping shoulders at the ceiling wondering if Kmart is open 24 hours..."

    cf commented on Mar 11 02 at 3:17 pm

    Marriage by far, if you've a creative bone in your body.

    Oop!

    FT commented on Mar 11 02 at 3:46 pm

    People get into a rut when they are married for the same reasons they get into a rut at work - they've figured out how to get along o.k. and stop trying new things. BUT it doesn't have to be that way. All it takes is imagination. Dating sex is worse than married sex because (for me) I'm trying to get the basics down, make the other person comfortable, and not sure how much they are willing to try.

    dww commented on Mar 11 02 at 7:45 pm

    Having been married twice,15 yrs total, I must agree with Daniel. Mid relationship sex is awesome. Your In love,and comfortable, enough to try new things without inhibitions.You feel as though you have it all! Then the day comes when your lover stops wanting to experament, or try daring things. You overcompensate by kissing their ass, and end up losing ther respect.While at the same time your eyes wonder, and you long for the feelings your partner USED to give you. I've had much better sex with my wives than with any one timers. Oh well here goes # 3!

    DC commented on Mar 11 02 at 8:29 pm

    What does it matter what kind of sex is better!! All sex is good as long as the Orgasm factor is involved. It's true that tons of women have the Big "O" problems in just a dating relationship because they think too much. When they get married some of the stress is gone and the Big "O" has a better chance to be acheived.
    I've had lots of date sex and I am getting married in September but, the fact that I can get myself off without the help of a significant other is all any woman really needs. Women need to experiment more, especially on their own. Come on girls, Let go like the guys and be in it for you and noone else.

    Lc commented on Mar 12 02 at 10:12 am

    Sex is great in general. I think it depends on who you are. Some folks like familiarity, like security, need to know what's coming next. Others depend on thrill. If you like thrill, you definitely don't want to end up in a monogamous relationship--I don't care how wonderful the person is. But if you need some familiarity, some security, then you better get hitched or at least stay put. Most of us start out wanting thrill, then find out that it's just an endless chasing. Some never get tired of chasing. For myself, chasing is fun, but being caught is better. There are so many other things to investigate besides sex anyway. Once you move past needing new sex as your primary thrill, you can start to discover other great challenges and wonders. And you've got a built-in partner! And yes, I realize how ushy-mushy this sounds. What can I tell you? My fiance's da bomb.

    NV commented on Mar 12 02 at 4:33 pm

    I think married sex is far better! Check out Redbook or Cosmo for hints on sexual turn ons! See Kim Cattralls book, Satisfaction: The Female Orgasm or Laura Corns books such as The Great American Sex Diet. Or the New Joy of Sex, et al. I am an old geezer of 61 who met a woman half my age--I am finally content after two disastrous marriages (no children). Sure, I watch some porno videos, the ones directed by women. Hot stuff --they have a storyline, knockout women and good looking young studs. I have lots of experience, starting with German barmaids in the early 60s as a young dumb army sergeant and then years of several girlfriends in college, etc. Married men in a good honest marriage are far happier than bachelors, I think. My woman meets me in the foyer after her shower with exotic soap naked, in heels, and orders me into a private shower. Then she puts a double Old Fashioned in my paw and puts on dance music (Kylie Minogue) and then the long foreplay begins. Sure, she has hot girlfriends but I do not act on what my eyes see!

    JHB commented on Mar 12 02 at 9:05 pm

    oh for gods sake. If I read the "getting fat means bad sex" thing anywhere ever again I'm going to retch. 1. bodies change. I'll guarantee you that even the most in shape woman of 45-50 has a little extra at the belly. 2. like guys never get fat in a relationship or out. 3. You think I can't give you the hottest sex around because I've got an extra 15 on the hips? Well then you DESERVE to miss it.

    sej commented on Mar 13 02 at 2:38 pm

    Uncommitted sex - nothing past "let's get together Saturday afternoon, your place" - holds that indescribably erotic promise of the uncertain. I recently parted ways with a beautiful woman who was all sex and no substance. In the long term I require substance, but that doesn't mean I can't forego it temporarily and just enjoy myself.

    Married sex is like advice from a friend - well intentioned but predictable, and not always what you're looking for. I have had both, and quality wins over quantity every time.

    ND commented on Mar 13 02 at 3:03 pm

    Goodness, sej! All I was saying was Josephine was older than Napoleon (at least 50), deposed, and fat -- things NORMALLY considered not top picks in dating material for the most powerful man in the world, and still she was the one he wanted most, the one he could not resist.

    lcc commented on Mar 13 02 at 5:05 pm

    Marriage has nothing to do with good sex, nor does being single. Its the people involved who matter. If you want each other very much and care enough to please each other every way you can, the sex will is great.

    fhog commented on Mar 15 02 at 12:03 am

    Not you lcc, it was cf with "Girls get lazy and fat after that and guys get complacent and lazy."

    sej commented on Mar 15 02 at 12:13 am

    Six months after my wife left the home and children to find herself, I went out into the dating world. Twenty six years of marriage later I found a new scene. I was a kid in a candy store with three / four partners a week. It was wonderful but boring several months later. I put an ad in the getting personals and had 106 responses. Now sixteen years later, I am still with the same lady (not married for finacial reasons - less money and more taxes). Sex is not boring but very close. I am doing something with someone I love unlike before I was doing something to someone without real feeling. Or I guess a purely physical activity like walking etc.

    CPW commented on Mar 14 02 at 1:22 pm

    I will have to say that there must be a better "thrill" in casual sex with random people because why is there so much cheating going on in the world? Why do I always hear so much pathetic gossip about so an so cheating on so and so. Since I have never been mariied I have to say that Casual safe sex is soo much fun. It is raw and powerful. I have never claimed that I am some joe cool who everytime goes out or goes out on a date I get laid. But when I find the right girl at the club who knows how to push all the right buttons then it is on!And it has always been what i am looking for... just some good old fashioned raw, dirty sex!

    FJD commented on Mar 14 02 at 2:13 pm

    Lisa,
    After nearly 18 years of marriage to the UK based painter Nora O'Hare, (my third marriage her second) we split up and divorced. (I was off searching for the "greener ass" with a woman 20 years younger than me.
    Within months of the divorce being finalised we were back dating and sleeping together. The sex has never been better, nor I think our feelings for one another.
    I have my own place and environment I need to write. At present I am working on a historical erotic novel set in Roman Britain.
    She has her own space and her studio where she paints.
    When we were together we were never as creative both in bed and out. Recently Nora's daughter said to her, "Mum you don't have a husband." To which Nora replied, "No but for the first time in my life I am free to make my own decisions and I have my lover."
    I think the strength of our relationship is founded upon the sense of personal freedom, underpinned by the element of free choice.
    Sex is not routine, as it is in marriage although it happens 3 or 4 times a week. There is a sense of anticipation that does not exist in the shared home. E-mail "Tonight or tomorrow night ... ?"
    jon hayworth

    jh commented on Mar 14 02 at 5:40 pm

    Married sex is only boring if you let it be boring. If you shake things up on occasion it's great. Come home and tie her to the bed. Or tell her to tie you to the bed. Or pretend you're dating and "pick her up" at a bar somewhere. A little roleplay & fantasy never hurts.

    There are all these books out there, and yes, it's easy to roll one's eyes and say "Oh, a book, hahaha," but there are some with some good ideas.

    I like married sex better than dating sex, primarily because both of us like sex a lot and have it a lot, and do lots of different things to/with each other. There's none of this "is she/isn't she horny" stuff. She lets me know, or I let her know that I am, and it's a sure thing! And it'll be fun. That beats dating sex hands down. It takes imagination and some work sometimes, but it's worth it.

    Sure the girl at the next desk over looks cute, and I wonder sometimes, but the fact is, hell, she might be AWFUL in bed. I -know- my wife is good, and we'll have something to talk about afterwards. So, married sex wins.

    mEs commented on Mar 14 02 at 6:08 pm

    What I really think Hooksexup should explore is a party for people interested in long term relationships that might have an open element to them...

    TG commented on Mar 14 02 at 6:13 pm

    If the idea of kissing a thousand frogs to find a good one, then dating sex is probably better. But it depends....there are frogs who will always remain that way, and finding the one worth more consideration, and contemplation is quite difficult. It depends upon priorities and the extent to which the married relationship one has works in other areas so that kissing other frogs is not a necessity as it is before marriage. What's even sadder is that the symbolism of frogs exists at all - a carryover, I guess, from the fantasy that all men are worthy of attentions.

    pbr commented on Mar 15 02 at 1:08 am

    Though I truly relish sex w/my current partenr, I have to say that the best sex, the most essential sex, is when I'm alone. Only I can know exactly what I want done, where I want it, when, and how, without my having to get distracted by redirecting. There's no one else's needs or desires to worry about, and no inhibitions of any kind. Also, I am always in control of the time element. I can give myself a quickie if I know I'm to be out the door in five minutes, or I can take my time and slow down with all the toys and tricks I really enjoy. Sure, halfway through my masturbation I sometimes I get a little wistful for my partner, but by the time the big O happens, I am so in love with myself (for being able to treat myself to such a good time) that I am buoyant with energy or relaxed to the point of taking a nap. And when he gets home, I'm usually all the more ready to be intimate if I've had a good self-loving session. It's a primer, and I wouldn't have good sex with another person if I couldn't touch myself first.

    kemk commented on Mar 16 02 at 3:38 pm

    Unfortunately, the grass always IS greener but also, sex always is easier/better with a modicum of desperation and/or urgency, which is- let's face it- really much harder to come by in a long standing relationship: In that case, I'd prescribe extreme/hightened pursuits of intimacy- which is, let's face it, also hard to come by/maintain in a long standing relationship. So, though a lot of you might just see it as Cali.yuppie-boomer/newage-cheesy, I'd recommend applying a little tantric yoga-therapy to any longterm relationship to get ya there. Because, jus like ol Alistair Crowley said; an he should know cause he spent his honeymoon underneath a pyramid AND wrote 'Stairway to Heaven' from beyondthegrave: when it comes to /sexmagick/ a lil dab'll do ya;) gotta go now- the devil jus took over my computer- lisafer rules[do you still even read this ol board?] happy st.paddydaypeaceout^*%$&!

    mcg! commented on Mar 17 02 at 9:11 am

    Lisa, I'll be honest. I've been married once, and divorced from that marriage. I'm currently in a relationship where my girlfriend lives with me (which is just like being married). Sex is much better when it is dating sex, AND the mate is NOT living with you. I find it more exciting and I personally enjoy it more. With married sex you simply get bored and expect it to be there. The romance fades. Some people, including myself, like change over time. That includes their sex life. Sam Jones

    sj commented on Mar 17 02 at 11:37 am

    I don't read these polls anymore, I hate them so and miss Lisa's lengthy writing so completely. So instead I just peruse the photos and decide on scales of 1 to 10 how completely narcissistic the people are to make and select such photos, usually with results staying in the 8-10 range due to either nauseating lighting/hi-contrast as if theyre rock stars (or how about holding their guitar), or the pain I suffer seeing yet another pair of buddy holly glasses. Hooksexup readers are smelly and their mothers are ugly. The bug sex article was a complete horrific blast, though.

    QQS commented on Mar 18 02 at 3:50 pm

    um...

    um..

    dj commented on Mar 20 02 at 7:28 am

    Lisa Carver:

    Did your husbands know you were in a more or less "open marriage"?

    MAB commented on Mar 21 02 at 11:05 am

    If my husbands didn't know, then that wouldn't have been open marriages -- that would've been me cheating!

    lcc commented on Mar 21 02 at 11:24 am

    With regard to your article on which is better, married or dating sex...

    I am a male, married nine years, and I consider it immoral to ever cheat. I was not even that sexually active before getting married. But I always want other women. Is this big news? No. But it shows that lust is definitely different than love, and, particularly for a man, the novelty and visual stimulus of someone new - even just seeing them across the room - are the attraction. Your article about sensualists also ties in with this theme. I am definitely a sensualist, and the *thought* of sex with others, the fantasy of what types of things they might like to do in bed, and the sexual tension of an unrequited attraction, continues to make me feel desire even though I love my wife and know I will never act on these thoughts.

    BW commented on Mar 24 02 at 7:27 am

    Overall married sex is much better, more fulfilling and less stressful. However, there is a caveat to this, and that is that after about 20 years you've done everything that you can involving just the two of you and at that point it begins to be less exciting to think about. It's still hot when you get into it but you just don't look forward to it as much. When you reach that fork in the road either you decide that less frequency is ok and you make the conscious decision to become your parents or you begin experimenting. The experimentation renews your interest, sex becomes white hot then and you crave it again. Just like you did 20 years before except now your sharing it with your best friend and not just some hot virtual stranger. Y'all don't know what your missing.

    Jeff commented on Mar 26 02 at 10:42 am

    as far as married sex vs. dating sex goes. im gonna have to side with middle ground sex. when your dating or not serious and just met sex is like showing off. your just trying to give it your best shot and make her give you her "O" face, so she will come back the next day. married sex {altho ive never been married... but damn close once} is like that thing you do on wednesday night when you cant sleep and you gotta work the next day. middle ground sex now thats the stuff! coming home from work to your lil one bedroom apt knowing your girl is there and you just know your gonna get some. you already know what makes her hot so you ravish her in the living room on the couch or where ever she may fall and the end its smiles

    EZE commented on Mar 26 02 at 6:47 pm

    Claudia,
    Are you having it?
    It sounds challenging.

    AN commented on Mar 27 02 at 11:25 am

    Claudia Lonow: you look so familar, are you a NYC girl? Where do I know you from?

    commented on Mar 27 02 at 2:15 pm

    JEFF - RE: YOUR COMMENT OF 3/26: What kind of "experimentation" is left after, by your own admission, you've done everything you possibly could by then? I suspect you're talking about bringing others into the bedroom, but I couldn't tell for sure because your last sentence is along the lines of "sharing it with your best friend, not just a virtual stranger". Please elaborate!
    Thanks

    AB commented on Apr 02 02 at 7:51 am

    Jeff and AB sittin' in a tree...

    lcc commented on Apr 03 02 at 5:31 am

    In terms of knowing yourself, married sex is the way to go. You gain confidence, the ability to orgasm EVERY time, the capacity to laugh at yourself and your partner. Then, you take all of this wonderful knowledge, and you can literally fuck the shit out of anyone (or anything) that you want. What can beat that?

    AMA commented on Apr 06 02 at 1:03 pm

    Dating sex is bette than married sex

    lm commented on Apr 07 02 at 11:25 am

    i've been married twice. if there is sex after marriage, no one ever told me. marriage is the death of sex.

    sr commented on Apr 08 02 at 11:09 am

    I'm so sad that there will be no more Lisa articles. Hooksexup has hit rock bottom. Everywhere you look there's advertisements for shitty movies. Here's a tip: pay more attention to your content. In the last month the majority of articles posted are garbage. No one wants to advertise their product on a shitty website! People come to this website to talk, read and enjoy sex not movies. I've been such a sucker supporting these advertisers and authors and everything I have spent money on SUCKS!!! I guess Hooksexup has finally sold out. Do us all a favor and just shut the site down.

    srm commented on Apr 08 02 at 3:58 pm

    dear l.carver. all marraige is doomed. no matter how good it may be, in my opinion. all lovers are starcrossed, but that is what brings them together in the first place. i don't understand why people continue to have children. i'm really in no position to comment(being unmarr(i)ed and childless. stretchmarks and farting -barf!

    mg commented on Apr 08 02 at 10:00 pm

    I never dated. Well, maybe once, in high school. I prefer one night stands. Sponteneous sex is always better for me.
    Since I've been with my live-in girlfriend of 5 years, my sex life is practically nonexistent except for jerking off in the shower.

    HPT commented on Apr 11 02 at 9:38 am

    Ding Dong The Witch is Dead........YEAH!!!!
    No more Carver drivel. It's about fucking time!!!! Thanks for coming to your senses Hooksexup.

    commented on Apr 18 02 at 9:44 pm

    No Doubt: married sex is best as long as you aren't married to each other.

    mr commented on Apr 22 02 at 7:53 pm

    I believe married sex is better as is sex in a committed relationship. You get to know your partner and with that comes comfort and the ability to explore your sexuality and move in to a higher level. With trust and love come the steps to a higher and deeper love. Women do not hit the big "O" on a date. It takes times, patience, understanding and an intellectual involvement to the experience. Like Dennis Miller, of course I could be wrong, thats just my opinion

    gp commented on Apr 25 02 at 10:06 pm

    Hi miss or mrs. Lisa,

    Respectfully, and as a compliment. I'm no freak,
    I just want to say that you have it all through you. You are most gracious with in yourself in sexuality. I mean it, it's rare, yet noticable. Married or not, You're infused into your universe. Right on!

    lion

    LC commented on Apr 26 02 at 5:02 am

    I'd say it depends on what you're looking for when it comes to sex. Dating sex can be great, if both parties are fully into it, and neither one is humoring the other. There is the newness, the discovery of the other's likes and dislikes. For some people, that's where all the thrill is.

    However, the familiarity of a long-term lover is more to the taste of others. A sense of continuity, of comfortable routine, is just what the doctor ordered.

    When I was married, we had established routines that my ex-wife preferred. Occasionally, she would deviate (no pun intended) from the routine, sometimes signaling, sometimes not. And it worked.

    After I was divorced, the women I dated (and obviously slept with) were exciting BECAUSE they were unfamiliar, after years of marriage and fidelity.

    So, I think the answer is unique to each person's preferences.

    DMH commented on Apr 28 02 at 10:50 pm

    lisa,saw your pictures.what a babe.anybody who is lucky enough to have sex with you has nothing to complain about.

    as commented on May 19 02 at 8:19 am

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