I've never been intimate with a Canadian. What can I expect?
Canadians love to make forts with their bedding. They get in there and get all nice and warm. That's when the fuckery begins.
I'm a great flirt with girls I don't care about, but when I truly like a girl, I clam up. How can I take the edge off?
If weed doesn't work, then a lot of jerking off — beforehand, not in-front-of. It'll blow off some steam and ease those Hooksexups.
promotion
What's the difference between Canadian and American groupies?
Canadians are more polite and less courageous when it comes to chasing sex. Americans are like, "Do you want a blowjob?"
Were you startled the first time that happened?
Startled, yes. But I welcomed it with open arms and an open fly.
Does this kind of behavior apply to Canadian and American lovers generally?
Well, generalizations are always a good idea.
I'd like you to make grand, sweeping statements about all North Americans please.
Personally, I always know it's going to be brief and fleeting with Americans. Everyone loves an out-of-towner. Its all right there and then, it becomes extra hot. With someone who lives in the same city as me, I look at it differently.
I have a crush on a scenester in the indie-rock world, but I know nothing about music. How can I catch his eye?
Ask him to make you a mix-tape. Be like, "You know so much about music, will you please make me a mix?" Putty in your hand.
I'm too picky, and it's keeping me from having sex or a girlfriend. How can I shake this?
Less conversation, more action. Go with someone you're totally physically attracted to and keep it at that. Forget the "more significant connection." Keep your face in the pillow. If they tell you their name, it's over.
Sexually speaking, what can I expect from:
Vancouverites?
Beach sex on mushrooms.
Torontonians?
It's the bathhouse capital of Canada, so there's plenty of options.
Prince Edward Islanders?
Balls like potatoes.
Yellowknifers?
My God. Monogamous? There's no one else for thousands of miles. You find someone, you hold on.
You have a song that goes, "Calling all cockwolves into the night, stick with the pack, get ready to fight. If you savor the flavor of the silver seed, howl at the moon, howl at the moon! If you're hungry for meat and you need to feed, howl at the moon, howl at the moon!" What's a cockwolf?
A cockwolf is someone who unabashedly chases meat, who's on the prowl, who's on the hunt.
Have you always considered yourself a cockwolf?
Not until I overheard these straight boys making fun of this girl. They were really nice to her face, but behind their back they called her a cockwolf because she'd given them all blowjobs. I thought, those guys are all fucking hot and I would have given them blowjobs too if they weren't such assholes. She should not be ashamed, she should wear that label like a badge.
Your music often touches on one of two themes: sex and politics. How can you bring those themes together in the sack?
Law breaking: what you're doing, who you're doing it with, the way you're having it and what state you're in. But you don't want to over-politicize sex. That sucks the fun out of it.
Any tales from touring?
We played a party in New York City at a gay bar called the Slide. An underwear party. After the show, we went downstairs, and all the men had their underwear down around their knees. It was like a Caligula-style Roman orgy. Full-on, dicks out, circle jerk fuckfest.
Had you been warned?
They didn't really give us the full idea, but we were pretty happy once we got there. It was a good afterparty. But it got a bit overwhelming for Roxie [the band's sole female member], with all these men, like, sticking their boners at her.
Dante Decaro, Wolf Parade
I slept with a guy who then ignored me for weeks. He recently sent me a "hey, how's it going?" email. Can I arrange another tryst without playing the fool here?
Wait. We just got into a car accident.
Should I let you go? Do you want to check on the other passengers or the state of your vehicle?
I'm less worried about us than the other guy. Hold on, I have to check this shit out. Fuck man, he drove into us. He's freaking out. We have a trailer on the van, and some kid just changed lanes right into the side of the trailer. He's a little banged up. The trailer's got a dent.
Is everyone okay?
I think the kid's in shock. [To the kid] Chill out! Just chill! He looks like a nice guy.
Do you want to proceed?
Sure, what's the next question?
I slept with a guy who then ignored me for weeks. He recently sent me a "hey, how's it going?" email. Can I arrange another tryst without playing the fool here?
So this is a chick who wants another shot at a guy who's an asshole? She's never going to have it. Women are just never going to get it. She's already given it up. She's fucked. Literally.
I'm a great flirt with girls I don't care about, but when I truly like a girl, I clam up. How can I take the edge off?
This is an age-old problem for sensitive men. What you ought to do is really take it slow, spend more time with her, get comfortable.
Any personal experiences you can share?
I got tales that will turn you white, but that's my business.
Sexually speaking, what can I expect from:
Vancouverites?
Various sexually transmitted diseases, maybe a meth addiction. Scabies. They're all skinny with big dicks.
Calgarians?
They'll ride you like a bucking bronco.
Torontonians?
Really boring. They're going to talk about restaurants and movies the whole time.
Montrealers?
Did you know I'm from Montreal?
I did.
If it was me, you might find that your throat has been slit and you've been thrown in the St. Lawrence river the next morning. Some people get off on that.
I'm a rock star. With drunk girls always throwing themselves at me, I've become jaded about the female species as a whole. How can I rediscover the wonders of women again?
Stop making rock music and go back to school. Or better yet, get a job in the trades. Then you'll become a real good lover.
What's the difference between Canadian and American groupies?
Groupies are the same the world over. Except for British ones — they're just ugly.
Do you disagree with the stereotype that indie-rock boys are hyper-emotive and scared of sex?
I don't really have anything to say about indie-rock at all.
What about art-rock?
I don't even know what that is.
George Donoso III, The Dears
I'm a rock star. With drunk girls always throwing themselves at me, I've become jaded. How can I rediscover the wonders of women again?
You're an idiot. Take it in! Enjoy it while you're young! You're not going to have your hair forever. If you can't deal with it, then quit the band and get a real job. It comes with the territory. You've got to enjoy it, otherwise it'll just drive you crazy.
What's the difference between Canadian and American groupies?
Americans have a bad rep, but it depends where you are. Girls in Alberta are incredibly aggressive.
How about girls in Calgary?
Pretty hot, suprisingly. They're very smart, they know what they're doing. It's a big city with a small city mentality, so they start off kind of shy but let loose as soon as the clothes come off.
Toronto?
Half-and-half. Because no one is actually from Toronto, it's a grab bag.
Montreal?
Hot and steamy. French girls are the best lovers in the world.
Both French-French and French-Canadian?
I've never slept with a French girl from France, but Frenchies are very passionate. Dirty.
I'm too picky, and it's keeping me from having sex or a girlfriend. How can I shake this?
I think pickiness is a way for people to avoid getting into something. It's a symptom of something else. Maybe you just don't want to be with anybody right now. But you have to realize what you're being picky about. If it's just about looks, then get over it because you're not perfect either.
Any good stories from touring?
Oh, I can't answer that. It's the old "what happens in the van, stays in the van" situation.
MC Texass
I'm dating a guy in his late twenties who was "straight" until last year. I've been out since I was thirteen. Am I biting off more than I can chew?
As long as he's willing to catch up, doesn't have too many self-loathing issues and doesn't use the term "straight acting" to describe himself, I say let the sodomy begin. Also, gay men are coming out earlier and earlier, so a man who was closeted until his late twenties is a rare species. You're fucking an endangered gay.
Is it shady to have sex with a different groupie every night?
Not if you're giving it as good as you get. There's nothing shady about getting large quantities of dick. It's when you start expecting the hour-long blowjob that people get pissed.
Sexually speaking, what are the sexual proclivities of someone from:
Calgary? Brokeback fantasies, Crash realities.
Toronto?
Detached, unimpressed, unwilling to pay for dinner.
Prince Edward Island? Anne of Green Gables role-play.
How can I pick up a scenester?
Don't bathe for a few days beforehand, and part your hair so you can only see out of one eye.
I slept with a guy who then ignored me for weeks. How can I arrange another tryst without playing the fool here?
Invite him to a threesome and kick him out halfway through. Seriously though, if you're attractive I would say don't reply. There are plenty of assholes who'll fuck you.
My girlfriend wants me to wax my chest hair. Am I whipped if I do it?
It starts with a waxed chest and ends with Aqua Velva, frosted tips and Energie jeans. Leave your man-hating girlfriend before it's too late. She's trying to take your source of power.
I'm too picky, and it's just keeping me from having sex or a girlfriend. How can I shake this?
Picture yourself old and alone, cruising gaydar.com with a fake profile.
When you sleep with fans, do you feel you have to live up to grandiose, rock-star expectations?
Having a strobe light and one of my back-up singers in the room is usually enough to maintain the illusion. n°
Interviews by F. Russell. Sex Advice From... appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .
tion, more action. Go with someone you're totally physically attracted to and keep it at that. Forget the "more significant connection." Keep your face in the pillow. If they tell you their name, it's over.
