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as the new season of American Idol dawns, I’d like to suggest you do something important: tune in to Blind Date instead. Cast aside the boring narrative arc of the search for the next Kelly Clarkson. Do not celebrate with Simon and Paula and Randy the careful, bland contestants who are only nominally different, never crazy or brazen. It’s unAmerican! Blind Date, on the other hand, is perfectly American, carrying on our proudest tradition: taking it to the next level. The daters on Blind Date offer a stronger, more fun, more positive message than all the hopeful, talented, beige-bedecked youngsters on American Idol put together.

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   If American Idol is reality, I don’t want any part of it. Everyone is vaguely cute, sufficiently talented, and only slightly distinguishable from one other. Their hair and clothes seem to have come from whatever sartorial vacuum of sameness that turns Goths and punks into Old Navy sweater-set wearers on daytime makeover shows. Their speech is robotic and upbeat, like post-game baseball players: “We went out there tonight and played a good game, but obviously the other team played a better game. We made a few mistakes in the outfield, and you know, we have a few things to work on for tomorrow.”
   Sure, there are the so-called “different” Idol contestants, but they’re even worse than the wholesome ones. Their faux difference calls to mind the “free-spirited” popular kid in high school who had the balls to wear an afro or get frosted tips. It hurts to hear such people take pride in how they’re “doing their own thing.”
   On Blind Date, we see truly extreme personalities. A typical episode features a brief introduction of each of the daters. Voiceovers of their likes and dislikes accompany footage of them dancing, exercising, fixing cars or wandering along beaches. Then they meet at some peculiar locale in Los Angeles, ride around in a car, engage in some awkward and unusual activity, eat dinner, get remarkably drunk and either make out in the cab or sass each other until they get home.
   Roger Lodge, the show’s host wisecracks throughout, and the action is overlaid with cheeky thought bubbles like “Behold and partake of my musky scent” or “I’m torn — I like your maturity but why haven’t you grabbed at my shapely buttocks?” We also get cartoon double takes, Photoshopped flames, cartoon steam rising from large breasts, laser eyebeams of lust drawn from one person’s eyes to the other’s crotch.
   What’s more, Blind Date‘s producers are not satisfied to sit back and let the cameras roll. No, sir. Blind Date doesn’t have tasteful editing like American Idol. The show’s producers do everything in their power to make the situations as uncomfortable as possible and send the partially insane daters completely over the edge. The producers engineer truly confounding

Even Paula Abdul’s supposed fling with a contestant seemed as sexless (and marketable) as Ruben Studdard’s Soulful album.

activities for the couples in an attempt to avoid any appearance of normalcy. We should all have such a team working on our behalf, scheduling dates that involve snakes, wrestling, making violins, bikini beach football and milking goats while dodging sexually zealous sheep. American Idol ever-so-gently coaxes sentiment from its teen contestants; Blind Date gives daters like “Jenna and V” margaritas and tequila shots on a sailboat at dawn.
   But don’t get me wrong. Roger Lodge and his staff of merrymakers aren’t completely responsible for the show’s greatness. Casting is 90% of directing, and Blind Date contestants as a demographic are unable to function without drama. A recent episode featured a shaggy-haired fellow with a horrifyingly off-putting personalitywhose beautiful date kept refusing to do or say much of anything. Undaunted, he pressed on, asking, “So, do you wanna arm wrestle a little bit or take your shirt off?” On Blind Date we get to see people who choose to bring things to a boil, people who leave their house with the goal of doing something crazy. That seems to me like the same brash, obnoxious nature that makes America unique in the world.
   For all its little stunts, American Idol is completely under control. On American Idol, drama is Simon yelling at a contestant, followed by a quick cut to the contestant’s angry face. Perhaps the singer gets off an obliquely sassy remark, but by the time he gets backstage, he’s learned something. Even

You want to see wall-to-wall William Hungs, drunk and trying to get laid? Tune in to Blind Date.

Paula Abdul’s supposed fling with a contestant seemed as sexless (and marketable) as Ruben Studdard’s Soulful album.
   “What about William Hung?” you may protest. “Wasn’t he crazy?” He was trotted out as a mere curiosity, safe and predictable. You want to see wall-to-wall William Hungs, drunk and trying to get laid? Tune in to Blind Date. A mother enlisted to pick a date for her son squeals of her progeny, “Beck is hot! You gotta have him!” Danielle, a painfully thin, food-obsessed hypoglycemic, frantically dances with joy after eating a piece of chicken. Mike declares to his date, “I am love and energy . . . I am like Jesus!” These are not pre-packaged people! These are crazy people, egged on to delirious heights by the presence of cameras! These are Americans!
    Blind Date is the only show — with the possible exception of Cops — that comes close to touching the reality that I want to be true, a reality where comfort and a safety-first life ethic are the last thing anyone wants. The shirtless fellows have to go ahead and kick out the window of the cop car. The drunk, tattooed lady has to throw a drink in the self-centered guy’s face and then make out with him in a hot tub. They can’t just sit quietly on the curb or spend a first date talking over pasta about their dreams for self-owned businesses. The Blind Date staff put it best in a thought bubble: “This isn’t going anywhere. Might as well get hammered.” That’s what America, at its best, is all about.
 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Neal Medlyn is a performer in New York City who sings songs, runs amok, and occasionally jumps off of things in his very own entertainment programs. He was Mr. Lower East Side in 2004 and is sometimes referred to as the Paris Hilton of Performance Art. His website is www.nealmedlyn.com