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  • WTFriday: Death Race Mario Kart

    We all count on Mackey's WTFridays to ease us into the weekend like, um...sorry, I can't think of any metaphors that are worthy of readers long done with elementary school. I will say that the only thing better than one WTFriday is two WTFridays.

    I've never seen Death Race 2000, though it strikes me as the ultimate testosterone high: fast cars, women, violent death traps, do-or-die competition. I also know it scared the Jesus out of Roger Ebert back in 1975, and he was convinced the children(!!) sitting in the theatre watching the movie with him were going to overturn America with fire. Turned out we didn't; that would have cut into valuable Nintendo time.

    Now, nearly 35 years later, the once-shocking Death Race 2000 is considered about as violent as a rainbow compared to what's in theatres today. Should we study this film as a noteable plateau in a medium that's ever-escalating to irrevocable levels of bloodshed and violence? Or should we add Mario Kart sound effects to the footage and laugh?

    Duh. Mario Kart is always the answer.

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  • Come Back and Save the President, Zany Video Game Quotes

    The Internet isn't short on game-related humour. At every turn on the information highway (do the kids still call it that?), you'll find a comic artist who's only too willing to remind you that Princess Peach is frigid, and Mario is a sexually repressed mess because of it.

    While that joke assuredly never gets old, I miss an old haunt that delivered game humour in its rawest form: Zany Video Game Quotes. Most game dialect still has a long climb before it's considered anything close to “respectable,” but today's games rarely deliver something completely baffling on the journey from Japan to your suburban American living room. The 8- and- 16-bit eras were something else entirely.

    Zany Video Game Quotes is a storehouse of one-liners and truth: you can tell your kids all about A Winner Is You, or Dodongo Dislikes Smoke, but without proof they'll be like, “Nintendo games never said that! I hate you, Mom!”

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  • Freaktastic Fanart: Mother 3 Models

    The fan made Mother 3 handbook is much gabbed-about for a reason. It is, without a doubt, the best way you'll spend $20. Outside of buying a fluffy new kitten. A grey one. With white socks.

    The guide, put together by good-hearted people at Fangamer.net, Starmen.net, and possibly God, draws major inspiration from the Earthbound player's guide that came packed in with the ill-fated RPG when Nintendo localized it for American audiences. It's funny, it's thorough, it's well-written, and its pages are dotted with custom clay character models. The handbook is recorded proof that fans can come together to produce something beyond pornographic fanfiction or seventy-page arguments about who could reach the sun faster, Goku or Superman?

    The clay figurines photographed in the handbook are by Arizona artist Camille Young. Young shows off some of her most impressive pieces in a blog post, including the Mecha-Drago, the Ultimate Chimera, the N.K. Cyborg, and, of course, Porky the sadist man-child.

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  • Wrestlemania, Botched Flips, and Game Music: Three Great Tastes

    I have a passing familiarity with the men and ladies of the WWE. I don't follow wrestling with any regularity; tonight, my husband is flipping out over the Draft, and I'm content to sit here, type, and insert an “Uh huh” whenever he pauses (he doesn't often).

    But even I can appreciate the high-flying antics of Wrestlemania, and I did in fact sit through all of Wrestlemania 25 earlier this month (I also attended the event live when Wrestlemania 18 came to Toronto).

    I had fun. What's better than Wrestlemania? Wrestlemania bloopers. What's better than Wrestlemania bloopers? Video footage of said screw-ups (plus other iconic moments) with video game music sprinkled throughout.

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  • Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5

    Every generation is required to pity the subsequent generation for something, whether it's a degrading environmental situation, poor schools, or the belief that people are now lying, thieving jerks for the first time in humanity's history. I have my fits of nostalgia (obviously, since I can't stop gabbing about retro games), but I'm pretty content to leave the past in the past.

    One exception: my generation had awesome Muppets. The new generation? Ehhh...not so much. Don't bother arguing unless you want to humiliate yourself by holding up Elmo's senseless baby-babble against the Muppet Show (isn't Elmo supposed to be a role model for children forming their first sentences?).

    Thankfully, some resourceful and artistic gamers have put together a project that restores the Muppets to their former fuzzy glory: Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5. Because you can't send a man to do a Muppet's work.

    Video after the jump.

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  • Cracked: What If Game Characters Could Switch Games?

     

    Someone at Cracked wondered, “What if video game characters could switch games?” A thousand monkeys opened a thousand copies of Photoshop and began to dream.

    Not all of the entries are winners—well, obviously, only one entry could be a winner—but there is definitely imagination at work here, and imagination is the very best nation of all.

    However you look at it, this kind of project is far preferable to yet another ROM hack featuring Mega Man shooting Shyguys in Subcon.

    Enjoy!

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  • The Kids Don't Get It: Sonic Epoch Advance and Misplaced Maturity

    I was talking with a friend earlier about one of fandom's most deplorable habits: forcing “maturation” upon the creative properties they supposedly love. One incident I will never be allowed to forget involved a “grown up” take on Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Gadget the mouse was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking. The art was fantastic, but again, Gadget was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking.

    My friend asked me if I had heard of a Game Boy Advance project called Sonic Epoch Advance. I had not. I was about to be taken to exotic new places. Exotic, dark new places choked with oil, sludge, death and F-bombs.

    Sonic Epoch Advance is a chatty action game based on DiC's old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon—often better known as “Sonic SatAM.” Sonic SatAM earned a reputation for being dark and mature. It really wasn't, though it was ambitious for a kids' cartoon based on a video game. The plot involved Robotnik's eco-terrorism and Sonic's battle against said eco-terrorism. All things said, Sonic Epoch Advance could have chosen worse source material to expand upon.

    Unfortunately, fans are pretty good at turning maturity into self-parody, and this little fan project is no exception.

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  • Sheng Long and The Ghost of April Fools' Past

    Guard your funnybone: tomorrow is April Fool's Day. It's the most wonderful time of the year to be a games writer, and the most aggravating time of the year to be a gamer.

    I've never actually participated in any kind of April Fool's joke. Despite my twisted, pulsating sense of humour, I've never been a fan of practical jokes. I can't stand crank calls, Punk'd, anything that derives a laugh from someone else's gobsmacked expression and/or explosive anger. Though, I have been the victim of crank calls that I felt stupidly honoured to be a part of (I worked in the grooming salon of a PetSmart a few years back and was asked if we sell unicorns. I told the caller to try Narnia).

    It's still a lot of fun to lean back and watch the gaming community try to out-ridiculous each other every April 1st. Even better, the tradition pre-dates the Internet-based fandom considerably: the infamous “Sheng Long” edition of EGM (published April 1992) probably wasn't the first instance of games writers indulging in spring jack-assery, but it was definitely the prank that launched a thousand imitators.

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  • Super Mario's Warp Whistle Mishap

    Observant players of Super Mario 3 (in other words, my brothers, not me) noticed that when Mario tooted on the Warp Whistle, he was whisked to “World 9.” World 9 is simply a portal to the eight worlds below it, sort of a Mario-style Wood Between the Worlds.

    But the universe is held together by more than a mere nine worlds. What would happen if Mario's attempt to warp went awry, and he ended up in a place that Homer Simpson once described as “the worst place of all?”

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  • Mega64 versus Metal Gear Solid 4's Dad

    Despite these tough times, the sun still rises, and those lovable scamps over at Mega64 are up to their old tricks. I think we'll all be okay.

    Mega64 was at GDC this year, because it's important for someone to get all up in the face of video games when they become Serious Business. Sometimes, though, Serious Business bites back. At 2007's GDC, the boys of Mega64 dressed as Mario and Luigi and frolicked through the city streets, harassing attendees and women on cellphones. Everything was fun and games until some guy named “Shee-guyo Me-a-photo” put his hands on his hips and beat down the party with a look that said, “Come on guys, plumbers and mustaches are not joke material.”

    Mega64 took the lesson to heart, but got a bit naughty again at 2009's GDC with a parody of Metal Gear Solid 4. Serious Business raised its solemn head once again, but this time the boys were running for their lives.

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  • Freaktastic Fanart: Join the Nintendo Fun Club, Little Mac!

    I've been able to count on Shmorky for violent and filthy comics for many fulfilling Internet years (1 Internet year = 0.965 human years). He's turned kittens into crack addicts and squirrels into chain-smoking maniacs, but my favourite thing in the world is when he makes video game characters say and do things they never would.

    Unless Yoshi really does have sex with his sister. He's not a talkative mount, and I think that's grounds for suspicion.

    The one problem with Shmorky's work (that's right, there is only one problem) is that he fails to archive it with any kind of consistency. He just draws and leaves, like a mama sea turtle shuffling away from her eggs, or a tomcat spraying a filthy alley wall before slinking after a female. So I have no idea how old this Punch-Out!! comic is, but Doc's dead stare probably gets funnier with age, anyway.

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  • Mega Man 2.5D?

    I'm automatically skeptical about fan-made games. I will nod at the demos and videos and say, “That's very nice,” but I won't get excited until there's a final product for me to play through.

    What can I say. I've seen innumerable projects that began with energy and enthusiasm that surged like Niagara Falls. All but maybe 3% have been dammed up by extended work schedules, “family issues,” or exam season.

    For all my adult cynicism, I am hoping that the “Mega Man 2.5D” project survives. It aims to add half a dimension to the classic Mega Man 2, not unlike Super Paper Mario or even (twitch) Bug! for the Sega Saturn.

    The demo video looks like the final product would be a lot of fun to blaze through, while at the same time it's a loving tribute to the pinnacle of retro platforming titles. Seems like there's no escape from the disappearing/reappearing blocks.

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  • WTFriday: A Serial Killer's Ideas for Wii Games

    The Internet is good because it lets talented cartoonists like Chris Onstad of Achewood put together comics about serial killers penning their own ideas for Wii games. Gamer humour isn't absent from the syndicated newspaper slurry we're fed every morning, but you can't really expect the jokes to go beyond, “Ha ha, my wacky husband plays video games more than my kids (Also, Mary Worth keeps meddling in my life)!”

    Achewood's Nice Pete is the most eccentric member of a bizarre cast: he's a mass murderer—it's implied he might in fact be a child murderer—but Onstad never asks the reader to pass judgment on him. Pete's proposal for “Cereal Pro 5000,” complete with its own Protip, is one of several quick glimpses we're given into a past composed of a broken family, rusted screen doors and hungry, limping dogs. The drunken father that Pete obviously had to work around on “bad” days is the same father he aims to make proud by designing Wii games. Wii games that he evidently believes everyone can relate to.

    It's impossible to feel just one emotion at the end of an Achewood cartoon.

    Related Links:

    WTFriday: Mario Versus Airman
    WTFriday: Mega Man A Cappella
    WTFriday: The Splash Woman Rap

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  • Freaktastic Fanart: Mega Man Zero Fanservice

    I haven't yet decided if game-related fandoms are more like the Hotel California (where you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave) or the maze of the Minotaur (where attempts at escape just draw you closer and closer to a misbegotten beast-man who will slit your belly with a horn).

    I'm still active in the Mega Man fandom, though I'm not in the middle of it anymore. I just kind of squat on the fringes in my hermit shack and poke sticks at the bad yaoi fanfiction. But I still love the Blue Bomber, and I maintain a close group of like-minded friends. One such friend is Irene, also known as “Wave.” Her alias should give you an idea of how long she's been in the fandom, since it lacks a string of numbers at the end.

    Wave has been an eye-popping artist for as long as I've known her. Even though she's all growed up now and working at Marvel, she can always be counted on for completely rad Mega Man X and Mega Man Zero oekakis. What's an oekaki? Sort of an illustrated message board. With a limited range of tools and layers, you draw what's on your mind and others comment on your work.

    Click the jump for delightful samples of Wave's work. Check out her Deviantart account for the full-sized pics.

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  • The Atari Jaguar and the Bit Wars

    The Angry Video Game Nerd is back, and he's kicking off his resurrection with a two-part series on the Jaguar. Part one offers a brief history of the Jaguar, but doesn't explore its impotent game library at any length. Instead, the Nerd talks about how the Jaguar helped loosen a very powerful advertising ankle trap: the “Bit Wars.”

    Putting it simply, if you were a gamer and conscious in between the years of 1985 and 1996, you were led to believe that more “bits” in a console equals a better system. You also fell for it, at least until certain truths started to leak out from pores of the 32/64-bit system race.

    The NES was a huge improvement over the Atari 2600. The Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis were a huge improvement over the rinky-dink graphics on the NES. 32-bit systems were capable of orchestrated audio, anime cutscenes and 3D graphics. And that's where the waters started to muddy up.

    Before the 32/64-bit race began in earnest, I was going through a small obsessive fit with Capcom arcade games. In particular, Street Fighter Alpha, and (sigh) Dungeons and Dragons: Shadows Over Mystara. I thought for certain I'd see ports on the N64, because, duh, Nintendo's system was going to be the most powerful one in the console race! Why wouldn't it happen?

    I posted the question on my high school's BBS and was laughed at by a lot of angry video game nerds who predated the Angry Video Game Nerd.

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  • The Angry Video Game Nerd's House of Nintendo Horrors

    There's been a noticeable lull in publicised Angry Video Game Nerd rants. Apparently, Rolfe is waiting for his contract renewal with ScrewAttack, and he's forbidden to yell until the people who sign his paycheques say it's okay. Man, I've been there.

    To tide over the masses, the Nerd has published a short YouTube video showing off his NES game collection. How many Nintendo games do you think he owns? Times 'a lot' by a skillion and you'll get an idea.

    Actually, I got more out of this video than I thought I would. The Nerd shows us his legitimate games, but in spite of Nintendo's best efforts, the NES had a lot of titles that weren't anywhere close to legitimate. Tengen's “illegal” version of Tetris was only the Purgatory of a twisted plastic hell. Deeper in the forbidden depths, you will see atrocities like cartridges bandaged together with sticky “Sale!” stickers, and cartridges with connectors poking out of their misbegotten heads.

    Come one, come all. Two bits a gander.

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  • Pick Up Chicks In the Zelda Mobile

    You deserve a sexy car. That's why you need to own the Legend of Zelda Car. It's a 1978 Ford Fairmount adorned with the full map from the first Legend of Zelda game and other Zelda-related eye candy.

    Pictures of the Zelda Car have vroom-vroomed their way into Nintendo Power, Digg, and several game sites. Face it: this is the car you want to lose your virginity in, you studly 29-year-old. Well, good news. It's up for sale.

    The owner of the Zelda Car has taken out an ad on craigslist; he (she?) simply doesn't need the vehicle anymore, though it's been as faithful to him as Epona. It's in good condition, has a mere 110,000 miles on it (surely Link has walked/ridden more), and has fairly new shocks and tires.

    It's yours for $500.00 USD.

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  • Mega Man Rap Video: Creative Work, a Lot of Filth, or Both?

    I have with me a video that people either seem to hate, or enjoy immensely. Simply titled “Mega Man 2,” it's a rap/metal conglomerate remix that, in my opinion, is catchy and pretty well put-together.

    There's also forkfuls of swearing, which is what seems to turn people off. I don't think Mega Man would belt out lyrics like “From the windows/To the walls/'Til the sweat drips from my ballz”, no matter what any Robot Master might throw at him. But I guess worse has happened for the sake of a rhyme.

    If you want to start complaining about continuity errors, you may as well ask why this video has Rush despite the Mega Man 2 theme. Rush and Protoman.

    Video after the jump. What do you think?

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  • Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li Scores 0% At Rotten Tomatoes

    It's a rare example of the human race coming together, joining hands, and speaking in one clear voice: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li is deplorable.

    This isn't an instance of disgusted high-profile critics turning their heads and waving their hankies at the screen, either. In fact, the RottenTomatoes profile for Legend of Chun-Li is more or less devoid of many big names, as the film didn't offer a screening for critics. These are Street Fighter fans who are scraping dirt over the movie with the side of their shoe. These are people who saw 1994's silver screen attempt at Street Fighter and vastly prefer Jean-Claude Van Damme and his “powder blue beret.”

    Ouch, ouch, ouch. Goes to show there's no such thing as rock bottom; there's always one level underneath. For instance, Hell.

    Here's a small sampling of what critics are saying about Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Contains 3000% of the recommended daily intake of regret, remorse, and regurgitation.

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  • Artist Updates Classic Game Characters

    Over at a blog named Plan to Fail, there dwells a Canadian illustrator named Tom Rhodes. When Reading Week temporarily sprung Tom from the shackles of higher learning, he decided to celebrate by “updating” classic video game characters.

    His first revisions centered on the characters from Earthworm Jim and Star Fox:

    ”I've never played [Star Fox] for more than 20 seconds, because I'd been spoiled by flight simulators I liked a lot more, but I always thought the character looked cool, so that's probably why he came to mind.”



    The introduction of Krystal may have turned Star Fox into generic furry pin-up material, but in my heart, Fox is the last stand for genuinely cool animal-men.

    A few more examples of Rhodes' work follow after the jump.

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  • The Reason Why Sonic the Hedgehog Doesn't Dig Water Sports

     As a prank, I'd like to run around the world and replace every zoology textbook with video games. In no time we'll have students believing they can make turtles come out of their shells by jumping on them, and that hedgehogs will sink like stones if you throw them in water.

    Indeed, Sonic the Hedgehog borrows a lot of traits from Super Mario, but there is one vital difference: Mario can float in the water with the ease of a dead body. Sonic, built for speed and raw attitude, cannot bother his cool self with swimming lessons at the Y.

    Videogamer.com wanted to find out the real reason Sonic can't swim. Did Yuji Naka intend for us to experience water physics from a new perspective? Did he want us to feel the panic that blossoms in our chests when the five-second countdown chops at our ears and we're helpless to simply swim to the surface?

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  • The Console Wars Made Adorable

    Everyone gets embroiled in a console war once in a while. We have some kind of inborn instinct that causes us to rush to the defence of our beloved consoles as if they were a damsel cornered by a dragon. It's interesting to wonder what system-associated developers like Miyamoto think about such behaviour. “What, do you people have deep-rooted problems revolving around peer approval or something?”

    When you think about how silly the console wars ultimately are, you really do have to duck your head in shame for participating (shortly before you go back and do it all over again). Or, sometimes, you might receive another reminder of how easily we can all get along if we just try. For instance, through an art project.



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  • Mega64 Calls On the Elite Beat Agents

    The world would be a better place if the Elite Beat Agents could fly at our everyday problems singing and dancing. Flat tire? Beautiful voices can re-inflate that. Broken vase? The Elite Beat Agents can coax those pieces back into place. Failing with your girlfriend in bed? Maybe not. She might run away with Agent Spin (I know I would).

    Game-related comedy troupe Mega64 has catapulted to nerd fame by videotaping themselves bouncing around in a kuribo, performing stealth operations in a grocery store as Solid Snake, and wandering around PetSmart as a lonely Tetris L-piece looking for a corner to lean on. This time, the group dressed up as the Elite Beat Agents and tried to bring joy to Californians by the ocean. Unfortunately, Californians seem immune to joy. Actually, given the demographic of San Francisco, they've probably just learn how to politely step around crazy people the same way suburban dwellers have learned to step around piles of dog poo.

    Video after the jump.

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  • The Earthbound Legal Conundrum In-Depth

    The recent news about Earthbound never coming to the Virtual Console because of legal reasons has struck up a chorus of “But--” and “How come--”. People are understandably upset that Ness's adventure is going to remain in eBay Hell forever, and they want solid answers about why this wretched thing is happening.

    There still aren't any solid answers, but the good man in charge of Mother 3's recent fan translation, Tomato, has put together an incredibly in-depth list of reasons why Nintendo is erring on the side of caution. Put in simplest terms, the Internet has made it easier than ever to conjure reasons for an IP lawsuit, and Nintendo already has numerous lawsuits hanging off it at any one time like parasitic fish on the belly of a whale. Even a company like Capcom likely doesn't see half the number of lawsuits Nintendo does, thus explaining why it shrugged off the release of Mega Man and Mega Man 2 on the Virtual Console, despite numerous musical “tributes” in both games.

    As Tomato put it:

    To avoid crap lawsuits, Nintendo has a team of legal people who have to go through everything Nintendo plans to release and look for anything that can cause potential lawsuits. Then these things are fixed if necessary.

    The point is: they’re trying to avoid lawsuits in the first place. It doesn’t matter if they could clearly successfully win lawsuits brought against them; they’d still lose money in the process. Having this team of legal people is cheaper than putting up with every lawsuit that every crazy money-hungry company hits them with.


    Remember Star Tropics, an 8-bit RPG by Nintendo? When we were kids, Mike pelted his enemies with a Yo-Yo. On the Virtual Console, his Yo-Yo became a “Star” because some Canadian company owns the rights to the Yo-Yo name. Likely said Canadians are too busy drinking and racing moose to care about an old Nintendo game, but Nintendo figures, why take the risk?

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  • Queen Plus Mario Equals High-Flying Fun

    Anime music videos—often known as animated music videos or simply AMVs—are about as hit-or-miss as a hobby based on video editing can possibly get. 95% of the AMVs that clog YouTube are garbage. Take note of that 95%. It is not a fabrication or exaggeration.

    But once in a while something comes by that makes you glad people took the time to match up a bunch of animation frames to some kind of music. Super Platinum 61FPS member Roto13 made me aware of one such video: fast-paced Super Mario Galaxy footage set to Queen's “Don't Stop Me Now.”

    Mario works really well alongside Queen's peppy rock. One of the reasons AMVs fail so often is because “editors” don't realise that Pokemon and Linkin Park will never mix, no matter what depraved means are exercised in order to force them to mate.

    (By the way, if you also want to become a Super Platinum 61FPS Member, just slip me a hundred bucks while I throw this tinfoil ball up in the air to distract Constantine.)

    Video after the jump.

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  • WTFriday: A Sad Dog's Rush Cosplay

     

    On Christmas Day of 2008, an individual with a bad fake accent received a camera for a present, much as we're all rewarded for the hard work we performed during the birth of our Lord. Knowing the Internet was sorely lacking in pointlessly adorable content, this person went on to film his own series, “Dog Time,” starring a yellow lab with the saddest face in dogdom.

    Episode 9 is relevant to our interests: the dog cosplays as Rush, Mega Man's trusty red pooch.

    I swear the first words out of my mouth were, “Awwww, he wants to hang himseeeeelf!”

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  • Georges St Pierre's Punch-Out!!

    Topless Robot argues that everything is better with Punch-Out!! sound effects, and I've not yet found a reason to disagree. In fact, I'd probably be a lot more interested in mixed martial arts fighting if little stars appeared over the fighters' heads as they got clobbered.

    I had to look up Georges St Pierre on Wikipedia because I'm a girl and required by law to remain ignorant about sports. Apparently, “GSP” is the biggest name in the Ultimate Fighting Championship right now (that's what UFC stands for! -- see, I can Wiki with the best of 'em!), and in fact he was voted 2008's Canadian athlete of the year.

    What that has to do with his trainer's advice about licking his fingers and rubbing his nipples, I don't know. Wiki wasn't forthcoming with any cool, scandalous information. Maybe you can tell me. Video after the jump.

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  • This Functional Game Boy Costume Will Show Us the Way

    Video game cosplayers, take note. We've seen enough of that smelly Cloud costume that gets dragged out of the closet year after year, convention after convention. The cardboard sword is sagging, and a moth ate through the crotch of your pants. I don't know what continuity you're honouring by letting Cloud go commando, but either way, the fantasy is dead and the children are frightened. Give it up.

    Cosplay has long been the Internet's equivalent of that guy who sits above a dunk tank at a carnival. I have nothing against this particular perched gentleman, same as I have nothing against cosplayers. I just can't resist taking a shot.

    In fact, everyone jabs cosplayers now and then. There is an ancestral instinct that causes us to mock men in tights; it's how our forebears protected themselves from bards. But it's a petty person who won't recognise true costume-design talent when they see it. I've seen some fantastic costumes in my (regrettable?) years of anime con attendance, but there hasn't been anything quite like the functional Game Boy who waddled around Ohayocon 2009 and graciously put up with people playing Tetris on his chest.

    A video of the costume in action lies under the jump.

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  • WTFriday: The Great Final Fantasy VI Breast Challenge

     

    I hope that Mackey will find it in his heart to forgive me for borrowing a “WTFriday” from him, but I'm afraid there is no other suitable phylum for that which I have recently...experienced.

    I admire people who set goals for themselves and follow through, as long as those goals don't involve killing, maiming, raping, or smashing kneecaps with a roque mallet. But I admit my ol' brain shuffled through a deck of mightily confused emotions when an Internet friend (the best kind of friend) told me about an online artist's recent project.

    See, this artist aims to draw every Final Fantasy VI boss character—male, female, neuter, and mechanical—with a plump pair of breasts.

    S/he has an admirable head start.

    Master Typhon? That's Mistress Typhon, you insolent pup.

    Death Gaze? Of course. How else is s/he going to keep that Bahamut magicite shard warm while gliding through frigid, blood-tinted skies?

    Phantom Train? Why the fuck not?

    The most humiliating aspect of this project lies not with the ambitious artist, but with me. My friend wasn't able to provide a name or web address, so I've been desperately looking for this project's home base. If I'm ever pulled in for a heinous crime, the Mounties are going to find the following Google searches on my computer:

    final fantasy vi+breasts

    final fantasy vi+tits

    final fantasy vi+tits+bosses

    final fantasy vi+project tits

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  • Old Man Brings Misery to Animal Crossing

     “Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'” is series of videos about a family that plays games. A strange family.

    Okay, so twisted gamers is hardly a new idea. How many game comics and videos are about two self-diagnosed Asperger's kids sitting on a couch and saying, “LOL Xbox is hueg?” I'd go as far as to say...ten.

    “Hey Ash” is still a bit different, though. Sure, you have the snarky brother and the snappy sister, but the twisted father adds a new dimension. My father never had a conventional sense of humour either, but I don't think he'd try to fuck with my head through an Animal Crossing game.

    (Granted, he wouldn't know how to turn on the Wii by himself.)

    Video after the jump.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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