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• Unsolicited Scares: St Eva from Breath of Fire II Loves You Thiiis Much

  Circumstances beyond my control got me thinking the other day about Breath of Fire II, Capcom's SNES RPG for totally buff men (unless the US box art is lying to me). Breath of Fire II was my first experience with a God-slaying JRPG, and it stuck with me for a few reasons. Reason one: it nearly made me crap my pants. Every good Messiah hunt includes a foray into the Master's den of cultists, and Breath of Fire predictably sends the hero Ryu and his pals into the heart of St Eva's town towards the end of the game. St Eva is God, but he's not benevolent. What a twist! The story makes it obvious that St Eva stinks of corruption and rancid food (flowing robes are catch-alls for cheese and salsa drippings), so Ryu is a bit put off when he walks into St Eva's town and finds it a bustling, happy place. Revelers comment on the beautiful weather, the lame can walk, the blind can see, and every dog has a wagging tail. Ryu thinks, “Well, maybe I had this Eva fellow pegged wrong,” and decides he needs to reconsider his options. He exits the town-- --and finds himself back inside the town gates. Suddenly, the warm air is icy, and the friendly townspeople have transformed into cackling, shambling husks. I'm making the event sound especially chilly because it had a personal effect on me. See, there was this time I was in a death cult, and—just kidding. But there is a specific reason I never, ever forgot my trip to St Eva's Land. Read More... Posted Apr 13 2009, 11:02 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: snes, rpg, retro, super nintendo, 16-bit, jrpg, nadia oxford, unsolicited scares, breath of fire ii

• Actraiser Is Overdue for a Resurrection

  We live in an age where game developers see fit to upgrade old classics. Some gamers think they've gone to hell for their sins, but I think we're chin-deep in good times. If nothing else, I can hold on to a slim hope that Square-Enix will revise Actraiser for modern consoles and put it up for sale on XLBA or WiiWare. Why Actraiser? Good God, why the hell not. I was playing it just last month (my husband had never seen it) and it was such a comfortable, refreshing experience. The frequent switches between action stages and the development of civilisation keep any one thing about the game from getting stale. The graphics are good—that ice wyvern boss is still impressive—and the music is sublime. Also, you are God. Take that, '90s furry mascots of the game world. Read More... Posted Apr 03 2009, 11:49 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with no comments Filed under: actraiser, snes, wiiware, retro, xbla, nadia oxford

• Why Were Game Magazines So Cruel to Earthbound?

  Earthbound Central has been collecting old magazine reviews for Earthbound, circa Summer 1995. Thus far, the stable includes Gamepro, Game Players, EGM, and most recently, Video Games & Computer Entertainment. I recently blamed Gamepro for destroying any interest my fifteen-year-old self had in Earthbound, as I well should: their review was wretched. But having looked back at Earthbound Central's library of horror, I've come to realise that Gamepro is not exclusively to blame for turning me off to Ness' adventure. American reviewers despised this poor game. EGM's John Gurka reserved a coveted place beside the Throne of God for mentioning that the storyline rivals that of Final Fantasy VI, but even he can't resist sniffing at the “Nintendo-era graphics.” Every other review sneers at the very same, berating Earthbound's lovingly put-together world as “childish,” “cutesy,” and “McDonald's Playland meets Bobby's World.” (So, which ultimately endeared itself to the world? Earthbound or Bobby's World?) Earthbound is looked upon as one of gaming history's least appreciated games. The farts-n-pizza ad campaign didn't help, but the reviewers of olde probably didn't have them in mind when they snapped off the game and started banging on the keyboard. Why did Earthbound get shafted in the first place? Read More... Posted Apr 03 2009, 11:20 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: snes, earthbound, retro, gamepro, nadia oxford, egm, reviews, jrpgs

• Give Super Punch-Out a Chance

  I've been talking about Punch-Out a lot this week, from blogging about the new Wii update yesterday to gabbing about it on the Stand Under the Don't Tree and Riddle Me This podcast on Tuesday (episode release forthcoming). In fact, I've had so much Punch-Out on the brain that I happened to overlook the fact that one of my favorite games of all time, Super Punch-Out, saw a Virtual Console release this Monday. And now that I no longer have to play Sophie's Choice when it's time to decide which Wii Channel needs to die for the sake of a new download, you can bet I was beating the living snot out of large, cartoonish boxers as soon as humanly possible. I've come to observe that Super Punch-Out is mostly unknown and unloved, especially when compared to its iconic little brother--a cultural touchstone for anyone growing up in the 80s (I guess we all wanted to beat up Mike Tyson). But when you strip away the nostalgia, Super Punch-Out is actually a much better game. Read More... Posted Apr 02 2009, 07:00 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: nintendo, wii, snes, punch out, super nintendo, bob mackey, virtual console, super punch out

• Game Endings Out of Left Field: Chrono Trigger and the Dream Project

  I bought Chrono Trigger for the SNES from a game store merchant who called it “The game that never ends.” If only. There eventually came a time when I had in fact seen everything the game had to offer, and all that was left was to gnaw on its bones in a future search for Schala. Still, the beauty thing about Chrono Trigger is its lack of a cemented beginning, middle and end. Sure, it's a fairly linear adventure the first time you play through...but after you've taken in your fill of the Moonlight Parade, you're encouraged to slip away and explore Crono's world from as many angles as possible. Even making the tiniest changes in the time stream before taking down Lavos could result in a whole new game ending. Go up against Lavos before you're scheduled to fight Magus, and Frog will fight him one-on-one. Visit the spiky bastard after unlocking the door to the Mammon Machine, and listen to Marle and Lucca make lewd comments about Men Through The Ages. Then there's my personal favourite: finish the game before it even starts, and visit the development staff. Read More... Posted Mar 27 2009, 11:32 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: nintendo ds, snes, chrono trigger, super nintendo, nadia oxford, chrono trigger ds, game endings out of left field

• Licensing Tragedies: The Donkey Kong Country Cartoon

  Nine out of ten platformer fans with two working eyes agree that the computer-rendered sprites used in Donkey Kong Country were a bit more impressive fourteen years ago. Even so, Donkey Kong Country's visuals still succeed in its portrayal of certain key environments: lush (if flat) jungle foliage, colourful coral, atmospheric snowstorms, and rich orange-and-red sunsets. Additionally, the series' characters were likable until Donkey Kong 64 dragged each simian into monkey hell. The Kong clan may have been slain by the DK Rap, but I maintain that 1996's French Canadian Donkey Kong Country cartoon helped engineer the gallows. The two disasters are not necessarily connected, except by name, but both can be accused of bland presentation and a noticeable lack of humour and fun. I will admit that I am criticising a pile of alphabet blocks, here: the Donkey Kong Country cartoon was meant for very young audiences, and it was the family-oriented showpiece for the launch of Teletoon, Canada's animation channel. It was no surprise Nelvana saw fit to give Donkey Kong a vocabulary beyond “Ook ook grunt,” and a story beyond “Beat up reptiles for bananas.” Even so, the crew rarely did anything except thwart King K Rool's attempts to grab Donkey's, uh, “Crystal Coconut” episode after episode. Also, there was a prophecy about Donkey Kong ruling the island or something. Hooray, life under a gorilla regime. Read More... Posted Mar 16 2009, 07:39 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: snes, donkey kong country, super nintendo, 16-bit, cartoon, nadia oxford, donkey kong country 2, licensing tragedies

• Game Endings Out Of Left Field: Pilotwings

  Today on the Gamespite forum, there was a lull in between the ritual sacrifice and the summoning of the Dark One, so the members got to talking about game endings. Specifically, the game endings that “Made you go 'bwuh?'” Endings that make you go “bwuh?” are not really the same as endings that make you go “Hey..HEY!” or goad you into a homicidal rampage. These are the endings that gently mystify you, perhaps in a manner that stays with you for a long, long time. I shifted through my inner catalogue, flipping through the game-related memories I've stored in lieu of remembering how to do long division. I quickly found a game ending that made me scratch my head the first time I saw it: the finale for the pioneer SNES flight simulator, Pilotwings. Earning the right to view the Pilotwings ending is rough. It's not an easy game, and you have to finish it on regular and “Expert” before you learn of your true destiny. That's right. You thought you signed up for some froo-froo flight school, but guess what? Your co-pilot is destiny. Read More... Posted Mar 11 2009, 11:01 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: snes, n64, nadia oxford, pilotwings, super nitnendo, game endings out of left field, pilotwings 64

• Behold The Half-Assed Review That Steered Me Away From Earthbound

  Gather around, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to share my secret shame. Come for the story, stay for the punch, the pie, and a chance to wallow in the lingering stink of failure. When I was young enough to believe in honesty, I relied on game magazine reviews to tell me whether or not a game was worth a purchase. I've already gone over how many Great Canadian Funbux typically went into the purchase of one cartridge game, so you can probably forgive me for doing my research. Unfortunately, I kind of put myself at a disadvantage by taking to heart the opinions of only one magazine: Gamepro. To be fair, I have to admit that I wasn't steered wrong too often. If not for the rave review I read in the November 1994 issue of the magazine, I would have bypassed the majesty of Final Fantasy VI. But it was my faith in Gamepro that made me turn up my nose at Earthbound until just last year. While bypassing Earthbound because of a magazine review was a big mistake on my part, it wasn't like I'd boiled a puppy or cast an unforgivable curse on a baby. Earthbound's genius was snubbed by a lot of SNES owners; that's why the fandom has since been driven half-mad with regret. No, my problem is that Earthbound Central has scanned and archived the review that kept me away from Itoi's masterpiece...and I can't believe that I was swayed by such an impotent clump of...assumptions. Read More... Posted Mar 09 2009, 11:31 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: review, snes, rpg, earthbound, retro, super nintendo, 16-bit, writing, gamepro, nadia oxford, games journalism

• Retro Horror: Canadian Game Prices

  The reign of the SNES was a troubling time for me. The deluge of great games was seemingly never-ending, but I wasn't quite old enough to buy my own crack (that would come with the next generation of systems). With my family, video games were very much a Sometimes treat. Here's the main reason why: The Canadian dollar has never been a strongman—except for a brief stretch of time last year when the US dollar finally tanked entirely and the Loonie vaulted over the Greenback. The US dollar has since recovered (and I've put away the noose I wove for myself; most of my employers are American, and my bank thought I was the butt of a cruel joke), but it's not as powerful as it was in 1995. So I dished out a lot of money for SNES games. God look back on the day when Nintendo announced it was sticking to cartridges for the N64, and have pity on my broken soul. Read More... Posted Mar 05 2009, 11:22 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: snes, rpg, final fantasy vi, retro, super nintendo, retail, nadia oxford, game prices, canada

• Comfort Through Gaming: Super Metroid's Dark Tunnels

  I've been fighting a mutant cold all week, which means I just don't have the energy to tackle my shiny pile of virgin games. Yes, I am an example of humanity at its laziest and most spoiled. Any further down the ladder and I'll be a quivering puddle of goo that manipulates game controllers with an oozing pseudopod. Surely you can relate, though. Mr Cole Stryker recently spoke of “relaxing games;” in the same vein, I have my stash of “comfort games.” Digital chicken soup. Something to turn to when I'm just not up to slogging through a ten-hour tutorial. Games that don't make me work. Or even games with one special trait that brings me inner peace. One such game is Super Metroid, fresh-picked from the Virtual Console. Super Metroid hovers near the top of everyone's list of favourite action games, and I'm no exception. But for me, the title really shines (somehow ironically, I suppose) because of its dark atmosphere. Read More... Posted Mar 04 2009, 04:12 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: metroid zero mission, super metroid, metroid fusion, snes, retro, super nintendo, 16-bit, nadia oxford, comfort through games

• Question of the Day: Ogre Battle and How Much Tutorial is Too Much?

  Ogre Battle: The March of the Black Queen hit Wii’s Virtual Console today. This is good for a variety of reasons. Quality Virtual Console releases are a rarity here in the far flung future of 2009. Ogre Battle is rare itself; its two English releases tend to fetch a pretty penny on Ebay. I’ve never played Yasumi Matsuno’s first foray into dense fantasy opera, so I’m looking forward to checking it out on the cheap. My history with the Ogre series is confined to Ogre Battle 64. OB64 was one of the only N64 games I ever owned and I spent many, many hours playing it in the spring of 2001. I had almost no idea what I was doing. OB64 throws you into the deep end as soon you start, burying you under a mountain of circuitous cutscenes and leaving you to figure out its blend of TRPG and RTS play on your own. I was pretty proud of myself for getting thirty hours into OB64 without a guide. That is, until I read a FAQ and found out about the nearly endless number of stats you have to consider if you want to actually see the game’s ending. Nothing in the game tells you about party loyalty or how to measure a unit’s leadership potential. Nothing in the game even indicates that these are things you’re supposed to account for. I love it when a game trusts me to learn how to play. I think that’s why people have responded so well to Retro Game Challenge. Even beyond its Famicom devotionals, the games trust you to learn their rules through play. Nothing is more frustrating than turning on a game and having to sit through an hour of tutorials, forcing you to plod through poorly acted scenes of someone telling you to press X to jump. By the same token, games like Ogre Battle are so complex that you need to have an in-game guide to teach you their rules by example. Read More... Posted Mar 02 2009, 05:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, wii, snes, Playstation, n64, super nintendo, virtual console, Retro game challenge, question of the day, square enix, tactics ogre, nintedo 64, ogre battle 64, march of the black queen, ogre battle, yasumi matsuno

• Chrono Trigger's Box Art Still Makes My Head Buzz

  I've never been a big fan of Chrono Trigger's box art. I love the game to pieces. I love its story, its music and its character designs. “Akira Toriyama” will be the last words to burst from my mouth in a bubble of blood when Mouseketeer revolutionaries, seeking to empower western animation, unsuccessfully try to force me to renounce my love for the manga-ka. But I just don't dig on Chrono Trigger's cover illustration. It certainly doesn't rank anywhere in Mega Man's Hall of Box Art Horrors, but it's too busy, there's an inflated sense of intensity, and it was a jarring change from the quiet RPG labels I was used to in the 16-bit era. The boxes for Final Fantasy II and Final Fantasy III on the SNES weren't as stylish as their Super Famicom counterparts, but they were recognisable. The “T” styled as a sword in the American Final FantTasy logo, though not especially creative, was iconic. Square RPGs outside of Final Fantasy still featured calm box art that carried a hint of mystery about the contents within. Secret of Mana, for instance. Chrono Trigger's box art, on the other hand, is bold and loud. Though it's obviously a finished piece of work, it feels like a piece of concept art that was randomly selected to represent the entire game. I look at it and I'm helpless to stop my mind from wandering into Geekville. I start thinking, “Why is Heckran on Death Peak? Why is Crono alive on Death Peak? Wait, maybe that's 12,000,000 BC? Those winter clothes are actually kind of badass, but we never see anything like them. Why would Frog even bother to look for a contact lens that's buried in two feet of snow?” (I know, I know, it's the Arc Impulse Triple Tech—for which Marle is incorrectly casting a Fire spell). Read More... Posted Feb 20 2009, 10:07 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: nintendo ds, snes, rpg, chrono trigger, final fantasy II, retro, 16-bit, nadia oxford, box art, final fantasy III

• The White Whale: Terranigma and Ahab Gaming

  I sympathized with Nadia’s post last week about the pants wetting nature of Terranigma’s “Desert” theme. That eerie swath of SNES atmospherics by Miyoko Kobayashi and Masanori Hikichi is still fresh in my memory, and not just from following the link in Madame Oxford’s piece. Three weeks ago, after some ten years of hunting, I finally sat down and played Terranigma in one day-long marathon session. This was both the realization of a long-standing desire to play Quintet’s final Super Nintendo entry in their Heaven and Earth saga and also part of a grand gaming journey I’ve undertaken here in 2009. The quest, as it were, is to track down three games from the past two decades that represent significant gaps in my experience: The One That Got Away, The Second Chance, and The White Whale. My goal is to finally see, after building up each game that fits these descriptions for me in my brain, how they live up long after their respective primes. Given my inexplicable aversion to emulation, the English version of Terranigma has always been my white whale, the cartridge I’ve hunted for and that I’ve constantly sought for an actual way to play. An Australian copy of the game isn’t terribly rare, but it tends to fetch a high price, and then there’s the hurdle of getting it to run on a non-PAL Super Nintendo. That hurdle’s especially high since Terranigma, being one of the last Super Nintendo games, is fitted with a particularly finicky region-lockout chip. Even a Fami-clone that can play PAL carts like the Retro Duo won’t boot Terranigma. There are only two options for intrepid (and legitimately insane) gamers like myself. First, you can mod your SNES with 50/60 Hz region lockout switches. Fearing that I’d end up soldering my hand to the console, I opted out of this. The only other option is to find an incredibly rare version of the Pro Action Replay cheat device. Only three models will work, Mk2.P, 2.T, and 3, all of which only released in Europe in limited quantities. After trolling the net since last summer, I finally found one at the beginning of January. So, in spite of these barriers, in spite of my psychoses, I finally played and finished my white whale. Was it worth the wait? Did Terranigma live up to a decade of expectation? Read More... Posted Feb 20 2009, 08:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, nintendo, snes, working designs, sony, Playstation, soul blazer, super nintendo, terranigma, illusion of gaia, quintet, pro action replay, miyoko kobayahi, enix, masanori hikichi, retro duo, arc the lad

• Unsolicited Scares: Threed, Zombie Central

  All this talk about Earthbound and related disappointments made me hungry for a Skip Sandwich DX. I ate the sandwich with a mayo packet and began remembering what parts of Earthbound I liked best. Earthbound is an unsettling game for a number of reasons. First, the party consists entirely of kids, and even though kids have a deserved reputation for never shutting up, Ness and his pals are quiet, stoic and very much focused on the task at hand. Second, the threat they're up against is ethereal, but Giygas' influence on the grown-up world is unmistakable: adults' greed is amplified, corruption amongst authorities is rampant, and there's that one town with the whole cult thing going on. The third and possibly most potent reason for Earthbound's dark humour is its masterful blending of innocent colour and mood-setting music. If something bad is going down in a scenario, the sound will tell you before the visuals do. Any game that starts you off investigating an unidentified falling object in the dead of night with disjointed alien percussion as background music is a game that's not going to deliver warm fuzzies if it doesn't bloody well feel like it. Obviously, Earthbound isn't meant to make your heart stop at any one moment—final battle excluded, maybe—but I've come to think of the party's visit to the town of Threed as Resident Evil Crayola.. Zombies and ghosts have taken over the city, but they're pretty goofy looking critters (less so with Handsome Tom and Smilin' Sam; sorry, I hate puppets). Even so, the darkness surrounding the town is oppressive, and the background music hardly indicates that Ness and Paula are attending a kids' Halloween party. Read More... Posted Feb 19 2009, 05:26 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: snes, rpg, earthbound, game music, retro, 16-bit, nadia oxford, virtual console, unsolicited scares, threed

• The Earthbound Legal Conundrum In-Depth

  The recent news about Earthbound never coming to the Virtual Console because of legal reasons has struck up a chorus of “But--” and “How come--”. People are understandably upset that Ness's adventure is going to remain in eBay Hell forever, and they want solid answers about why this wretched thing is happening. There still aren't any solid answers, but the good man in charge of Mother 3's recent fan translation, Tomato, has put together an incredibly in-depth list of reasons why Nintendo is erring on the side of caution. Put in simplest terms, the Internet has made it easier than ever to conjure reasons for an IP lawsuit, and Nintendo already has numerous lawsuits hanging off it at any one time like parasitic fish on the belly of a whale. Even a company like Capcom likely doesn't see half the number of lawsuits Nintendo does, thus explaining why it shrugged off the release of Mega Man and Mega Man 2 on the Virtual Console, despite numerous musical “tributes” in both games. As Tomato put it: To avoid crap lawsuits, Nintendo has a team of legal people who have to go through everything Nintendo plans to release and look for anything that can cause potential lawsuits. Then these things are fixed if necessary. The point is: they’re trying to avoid lawsuits in the first place. It doesn’t matter if they could clearly successfully win lawsuits brought against them; they’d still lose money in the process. Having this team of legal people is cheaper than putting up with every lawsuit that every crazy money-hungry company hits them with. Remember Star Tropics, an 8-bit RPG by Nintendo? When we were kids, Mike pelted his enemies with a Yo-Yo. On the Virtual Console, his Yo-Yo became a “Star” because some Canadian company owns the rights to the Yo-Yo name. Likely said Canadians are too busy drinking and racing moose to care about an old Nintendo game, but Nintendo figures, why take the risk? Read More... Posted Feb 17 2009, 11:13 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: snes, rpg, mega man, earthbound, mother 2, fan stuff, nadia oxford, mother, legal issues

• Abandon All Hope: No Earthbound for the Virtual Console

  The Mother/Earthbound fandom is the loudest on the Internet. It's also the unluckiest. Earthbound was a commercial failure on the SNES. Mother 3 just ain't never gonna doggy-paddle its way here (officially). The first Mother game was dressed up for America, but was pulled at the last minute. And now it's looking like Earthbound won't be granted its long-awaited heroes' rest on the Virtual Console. “Oh God. What now?” The problem is beautiful in its irony: because it's such a thorough, loving tribute to the best and most creative bits of pop culture, Earthbound is also a fat target for copyright lawyers, IP theft paranoia and the bureaucracy bred by the same culture (that's irony, right? Right?). Earthbound's soundtrack alone uses a lot of samples from other songs, from The Who to the Monty Python theme. Shigesato Itoi makes no secret about his love for the Beatles, with John Lennon's “Mother” being not only the series' namesake, but its very foundations. Unfortunately, Apple Corps' sense of humour is about as sharp and attractive as a wet dish rag. Every IP lawyer in the world carries a list in his or her pocket that's titled, “I'm Just Not Going To Fuck With This,” and Apple Corps is on the top of each list. Read More... Posted Feb 16 2009, 11:14 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 9 comment(s) Filed under: nintendo, wii, snes, rpg, earthbound, mother 3, nadia oxford, mother, virtual console, pop culture, shigesato itoi

• A SNES Story

  The year was 1991, I was in 7th grade and the digital bomb had been dropped. The Super Nintendo Entertainment System had been released. For months prior I'd been drooling over the glossy spreads in Nintendo Power magazine featuring this baby. Little green dinosaurs and caped Marios frolicked in my imagination. I wanted this game console badly and I could have it, if I bought it myself. Otherwise I would have to wait a year for the holiday season to roll around again and hope I got lucky. Like many a game junkie, I just couldn't wait that long. I needed money. Read More... Posted Feb 16 2009, 10:00 AM by Amber Ahlborn with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: snes, amber ahlborn, nostalgia, super mario

• Nifty Nostalgia: Super Game Boy

  I have a Gamecube connected to my TV. It sits right next to my Wii. Why have the Gamecube, since the Wii plays GC games you ask? To play GB/GBA games of course! As much as I enjoy the games released for my portable systems, I have never liked the portables themselves. I don't like the tiny screens or the cramped way I have to hold them (and I have small hands). So really, it's no wonder I thought the Super Game Boy was The Best Thing Ever back in the SNES days. The Super Game Boy, in all its chunky glory, kept an entire library of portable games from ever occupying my neglected Game Boy. Aside from allowing me to play GB games on my TV, there was one other neat little thing that I loved about the Super Game Boy, indeed, something that absolutely fascinated me when I discovered it: the animated borders. When the SGB displayed games on the TV, it always placed a frame around them. There were a variety to choose, and Nintendo being Nintendo, they went the extra mile to actually hide clever little animations in these frames. If you left the system idle long enough, something special was bound to happen. Check out some videos of my favorites after the jump. Read More... Posted Feb 09 2009, 10:30 PM by Amber Ahlborn with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: nintendo, game boy, snes, gamecube, amber ahlborn, nostalgia

• WTFriday: The Great Final Fantasy VI Breast Challenge

  I hope that Mackey will find it in his heart to forgive me for borrowing a “WTFriday” from him, but I'm afraid there is no other suitable phylum for that which I have recently...experienced. I admire people who set goals for themselves and follow through, as long as those goals don't involve killing, maiming, raping, or smashing kneecaps with a roque mallet. But I admit my ol' brain shuffled through a deck of mightily confused emotions when an Internet friend (the best kind of friend) told me about an online artist's recent project. See, this artist aims to draw every Final Fantasy VI boss character—male, female, neuter, and mechanical—with a plump pair of breasts. S/he has an admirable head start. Master Typhon? That's Mistress Typhon, you insolent pup. Death Gaze? Of course. How else is s/he going to keep that Bahamut magicite shard warm while gliding through frigid, blood-tinted skies? Phantom Train? Why the fuck not? The most humiliating aspect of this project lies not with the ambitious artist, but with me. My friend wasn't able to provide a name or web address, so I've been desperately looking for this project's home base. If I'm ever pulled in for a heinous crime, the Mounties are going to find the following Google searches on my computer: final fantasy vi+breasts final fantasy vi+tits final fantasy vi+tits+bosses final fantasy vi+project tits Read More... Posted Feb 06 2009, 09:56 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: snes, final fantasy vi, retro, art, breasts, fan stuff, game boy advance, nadia oxford, boobs, bosses

• My First Banned Game: Double Dragon

  Screw Attack has a video retrospective on Battletoads & Double Dragon for the Super Nintendo. It's good for a quick nostalgia fix, and it contains 200% of the daily recommended intake of fart and tit jokes in case you haven't been meeting your quota lately (that happens in the winter). I never played Battletoads & Double Dragon. Watching the video reminded me of the reason why: my taste in games was slightly above that of a blind burrowing animal who sleeps in its own excrement. Seriously though, I never played Battletoads & Double Dragon because Double Dragon was the first verboten series in my house. My mother took note of what I was playing long before the Mortal Kombat scare, and she didn't approve of games that let you grab women by the hair and knee them in the face. I guess. It's not to say I grew up in an ultra-Puritan house where the only permitted video games came in telltale baby-blue cartridges, or were games about barn raising. I was allowed to play most anything, and my mom even played a bit, even if she could never get past the first boss in any given Castlevania game (but damned if she didn't try over and over). But after bringing home Double Dragon for the NES, she noted that Billy and Jimmy Lee could vent their masculine frustrations on thug women, and she deemed that uncool. Read More... Posted Feb 03 2009, 11:16 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: snes, nes, double dragon, retro, nostalgia, nadia oxford, game violence, double dragon & battletoads

• True Tales of Multiplayer: Fights, Tricks, and Fights!

  Lately I've found myself chilling with my homeboys Dan and Ryan, playing old video games that most of our friends don't remember or never heard of at all hours of day and night. It started when Dan found an old cartridge of the Jaleco's SNES beat-em-up The Peace Keepers. I was impressed by the ability to recolor any of the game's sprites however you wanted, but otherwise the game was an all-around stunningly frustrating experience. Things picked up for the next round, however, when I popped in my favorite SNES "sports" game, DMA Designs' Uniracers... Read More... Posted Jan 26 2009, 06:00 PM by Derrick Sanskrit with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: derrick sanskrit, snes, konami, super smash bros, Playstation, tony hawk, grand theft auto, uniracers, power stone, multiplayer, jaleco, the peace keepers, poy poy, dma design

• Swell Maps

  A few years back, I picked up an issue of British gaming rag NGamer because a) it had the Nights sequel on the cover — Nights is awesome — and b) it came with a poster. A lot of game magazines come with posters, but this one was particularly sweet. One side was a complete map of Hyrule, exactly as it appears in A Link to the Past, and on the other, a complete map of Zebes from Super Metroid. These weren’t artist’s interpretations, these were the actual games printed on paper. Super Metroid was especially beautiful. Anyone familiar with the game could lean in and pick out particular rooms, places where the game itself is especially thrilling or well-constructed. But seeing the game as a whole was eye-opening. Read More... Posted Jan 22 2009, 04:30 PM by John Constantine with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, metroid, nintendo, super metroid, game boy, capcom, legend of zelda, snes, strider, link to the past, zebes, sonic & knuckles, super mario land, hyrule

• What's in my MP3 Player: Super Mario RPG - “Flubber Mountain”

  Sometimes I run across a piece of music that I just can't categorize and this is one of those times. Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, aside from being a really great SNES game was also the second RPG I ever played/owned (I was ushered into the genre by Chrono Trigger). One of the most memorable aspects of Mario RPG was its music, which perfectly matched the zany vibrancy of the game's look, play, plot and well, everything else about it. This remix by Mazedude over at OCR captures that quirkiness flawlessly. Read More... Posted Jan 12 2009, 10:30 PM by Amber Ahlborn with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: snes, amber ahlborn, game music, remix, super mario rpg, whats in my mp3 player

• Crono: My First Aeris Gainsborough

  You remember Aeris' death in Final Fantasy VII, right? Sephiroth dropped from the sky, brandishing his very big sword, and he spit Aeris like a piece of sacrificial lamb on a shishkabob. Cloud broke out the pitas, Cid stirred up the hummus and—no, wait, that didn't happen. Aeris died in Cloud's arms and it was very sad. There, that's what happened. Aeris's death, though curiously dry (not a drop of blood was spilled—what kind of impotent Jesus stand-in was she?), was a stunning event for the gaming world. Until the moment Sephiroth fell on her as neatly as a dart flying to a pub's board, it seemed unfathomable that a game character could die. Forever. No take-backs. Unfathomable for some. Not so much for others. Read More... Posted Jan 08 2009, 12:01 AM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: snes, chrono trigger, Playstation, retro, marle, super nintendo, crono, 16-bit, final fantasy vii, nadia oxford, chrono trigger ds, aerith, aeris

• Nintendo’s New Year’s Resolution

  Hell yeah! I love that new year smell. It’s a heady blend of desperation, manic behavior, stale cookies, and endless possibility! You can practically taste it on the air: the tang of freshly printed gym membership cards, the musk of old car models being discounted. This is the time when we wide-eyed lovers of videogames stare forward, ready for anything that may come. We take our last looks at 2008 and get to predicting what’s on the horizon. In the spirit of embracing new opportunities, I would like to recommend one New Year’s resolution for each gaming console maker as well as a select few third-party publishers. We’ll start with your friend and mine, Nintendo. Nintendo? You resolve to release Star Fox 2 on WiiWare in 2009. Read More... Posted Jan 05 2009, 07:30 PM by John Constantine with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, nintendo, snes, star fox 2, wiiware, mother 3, new year’s resolution

• Picking Chrono Trigger Clean

  Mackey just reminded me of something. Well, Mackey reminds me of a lot of things, primarily of when I was a sexy leopardess who drove across Canada, solving cold murder cases. Let's keep this in the context of games, though. Mackey's post reminded me of a different age of gaming, when we used to pull apart games like so much shredded pork in hopes of squeezing just ten more minutes of gameplay from the battered cartridge. Oh, to find one more secret. Oh, to tie up that loose end. The Internet in 1995 was polluted with gaming "secrets" like the exact rain dance you needed to perform in order to resurrect General Leo in Final Fantasy VI. And Schala could be revived in Chrono Trigger, of course. All you had to do was the hokey pokey while waving a chicken over your head. I performed a lot of these crazy rituals. I was desperate to find Schala. I thought the key lay in the Last Village--more specifically, in Janus' chatty purple cat, Alfador. I thought Alfador could lead me to the answers. He didn't, and I was very sad. Why were we so desperate to make these connections back then? Read More... Posted Dec 05 2008, 08:00 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: nintendo ds, snes, chrono trigger, retro, chrono cross, 16-bit, nostalgia, nadia oxford, chrono trigger ds

• Super Street Fighter HD Turbo HD Remix C-C-Combo Makers

  Super Street Fighter II holds a place near and dear to my heart. Somewhere near the left ventricle, I'd wager. I'm very fond of Street Fighter in general. I spent two summers honing my Hadokens. The first summer, I'd had surgery and spent a lot of time bumming around indoors. The second summer, I worked in an amusement park with several arcades and let's just say those big shady boxes of joyful noise were a great place to hide during the hottest part of the day. I'm kind of skeptical about how well Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix will work out for the average Street Fighter fan--by the way, this is a good time to stop and assure you that I'm a competent player but I still get annihilated in the arcades and would burn to a cinder if I went within twenty feet of a tournament--but I'm really looking forward to it. The endings, at least, should be fun. Let's all watch Guile crawl back to his wife from his failed gay military relationship in glorious HD. Here's a video of insane combos performed in Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix (I'm getting tired of typing all that, God have mercy on the reviewers). The video also offers some glimpses of the redone backgrounds. I always dug the dragons in Fei Long's stage, and now I can see the whites of their reptilian eyes. Eeeek. Read More... Posted Nov 07 2008, 10:09 PM by Nadia Oxford with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: snes, super street fighter II turbo hd remix, retro, arcade, nadia oxford, super street fighter ii

• Our Emulation Habits

  A long, long time ago (actually, it was just this past Friday) fellow blogger and 61FPS boss-man pined over his inability to emulate.  I'm afraid that I'm a bit less romantic than John, even though my feelings about emulation have changed slightly over the years.  But when I first started emulating--man oh man--it was like some sort of amazing technology I dreamed about but never thought would exist.  As is the case with most people who caught onto emulation, I got hooked on NESticle back in 1997, and spent the copious amounts of free time I had (I was a dork in high school, after all) downloading all the games from my past I was dying to play again.  If I'm not mistaken, I think this was also the year that SNES emulators--a baffling proposition at the time--first started to support sound.  I remember downloading a .wav file of the Chrono Trigger opening song as played through the soon-to-be released SNES9X and sitting there completely awestruck.  Yes, even then I realized how nerdy I was. Read More... Posted Oct 29 2008, 06:30 PM by Bob Mackey with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: snes, nes, chrono trigger, mother 3, translation, bob mackey, seiken densetsu 3, rom hacks, emulation

• The Reason Why Mother 3 Never Came to America

  None. There is no good reason why Mother 3 never came to America. Oh, there are a couple of valid reasons why we never officially received Earthbound's follow-up, but they're not necessarily good. The easiest blame can be laid on finances. We are elbow-deep in the era of the Nintendo DS right now and the heyday of the Game Boy Advance is long over. Nintendo might get away with releasing all three Mother games in a DS collection, but that's obviously not going to happen in a grand hurry. By now, the universe knows that the original Earthbound bombed on the Super Nintendo. Nintendo did a beautiful, loving job with the packaging and translation, but dropped the marketing ball hard enough to cannonball clear to China. Earthbound was marketed as a cheesy science fiction game brimming with toilet humour, which it wasn't. Alas, a mass-mailing of scratch-and-sniff stickers made to smell like rancid pizza will do a lot to kill an appetite for game. Besides, after experiencing the majesty of Final Fantasy VI and Chrono Trigger, why would anyone want to fight against giant piles of barf? I sure didn't. Earthbound tanked, Nintendo made up their mind about American tastes and Mother 3 never had a chance at a ticket to America. Since the release of the translation patch, however, more than one person has claimed that maybe Nintendo's fear of another financial disaster wasn't the only thing keeping Mother 3 from the States. There was suddenly talk about in-game content being inappropriate for American audiences: the dark story, the characters (oh, the characters) and whatnot. God knows Japan has thousands of little quirks that only those born under its flag can truly appreciate, but I don't see how Mother 3 is one of them. Read More... Posted Oct 27 2008, 05:35 AM by Nadia Oxford with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: snes, earthbound, mother 3, super nintendo, retail, censorship, game boy advance, nadia oxford, profits

• Question of the Day: Why Can’t I Emulate?

  I am a console gamer. It’s not something I’m proud of, not a badge I wear to mark myself or somehow justify the way I view the medium as a whole. It does, however, define what I’m drawn to play, what genres I return to year after year, and just what I’ve had the opportunity to play since I was four years-old. Only playing games on devices that fit in my pocket or plug into a television has, by turns, given me an incredibly imbalanced game-literacy. Deep, respected play experiences bound to personal computers are things I’m familiar with by name only. Space Quest? Fallout? Oh, yeah, sure, I’ve heard of those. Great games, right? Call me a nerd with a seriously warped perspective, but I’m actually embarrassed, that guy sitting in a circle of academics discussing James Joyce and having to admit that the last book I read was Harry Potter. My console crutch hasn’t just kept me away from keyboard-and-mouse-only fare either; there are literal hundreds of classic console games I’ve never played, and will never have the spare cash or access to the actual cartridges or discs, waiting at my fingertips via emulation. Read More... Posted Oct 24 2008, 06:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, snes, PC, final fight, mother 3, game boy advance, question of the day, fallout, Space quest