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We blog our last blog.
5/10/2008 12:01:03 PM




...Welllll, that's it for us here at the video-blog. Having already written a farewell blog that was once posted, then deleted, I'm finding it hard to go into histrionics of emotion at this point. We had a ball. Jess and I may be writing a future blog for Hooksexup, but we're not sure about that yet.

If you require additonal reading material, here are the links to both issues of my 'zine, containing well over 100 pages of funniness and sadness and awesome:

'Zine #1

'Zine #2


And if you search carefully (or not so carefully) through the 'zine, you will find my website address, my email, and even (god knows why) my phone number, for reading, writing, and prank-calling purposes, respectively.

I love you Hooksexup readers, and I wish that I could squeeze you all into a single girl. You guys are awesome, seriously.


best,
Oliver Andrew Miller


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Catch-phrases that I have (unsuccessfully) tried to make popular.
5/8/2008 3:28:26 PM








1) "...That's so crumbelievable!"

2) "...Straight outta the lower Hebridies... motherfucker."

3) "...And you can take that to the bank. The money bank."

4) "...Not without me and my bippy, you won't."

5) "...Gazizza, my dilnoofus."

6) "...What what, in the butt."

7) "...It's crazappy!"

8) "...I ain't afraid of no ghost, bitch."

9) "...That's dumber than a retarded monkey."

10) "...Supercalafragulistic!"







--Oliver


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Sock puppets = half-assed blog.
5/8/2008 12:46:31 PM

Law school finals ended yesterday andWHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THANK FUCKING GOD! and so I no longer have that as an excuse not to write blogs. What I have as an excuse is that I instantly fell asleep for twenty-four hours after finals. And I have a feeling that even that excuse won't last for very long.

Not that you care about any of this, of course. And somehow this all leads ineluctably* to the video of the day: Sock puppets... singing "Lithium"... brought to you by your friends at the Polyphonic Spree:

(*Yeah. "Ineluctably." That's right. Go and look it up yourself. I'm not your fucking dictionary.)






...This video sort of makes me think of what it would have been like had Nirvana been on "The Muppet Show." Which would have been great. One of the best aspects of The Muppet Show was how it always featured terrifyingly inappropriate music guests. Such as Johnny Cash. Or, say, Alice Cooper. Anyway. That would've been great. It's too bad that Kurt died before it could happen. And of course, "The Muppet Show" wasn't actually around when Nirvana was a band.

...But, then, of course, Kurt Cobain isn't really dead... because his music lives on in all of us. Okay, now this is just turning into a blog about Nirvana. So, I guess, here's my favorite Nirvana song:





What? You thought that I was going to pick something more obscure? Nah. Fuck that noise. And FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, here's my top six Nirvana memories:

1) Standing in the Georgetown Mall with my friends, freshman year of college, and hearing that Kurt Cobain had just killed himself. I think we all just had to sit down or something. No one knew what to say. We may have seriously thought that the world was coming to an end. You could have told us that Russia had just fired all its nukes in the direction of Washington, D.C., and you probably would have gotten the same reaction.

2) Finding out that Kurt used to pay his Beverly Hills hairdresser $300 to die his hair badly, so that it would look like he had done it himself.

3) Likewise, learning that when Nirvana appeared on "Saturday Night Live," they asked Lorne Michaels for permission to smash their instruments on stage. Shine on, you crazy rebels, you!

4) The fact that Kurt Cobain was directly responsible for me wearing a cardigan sweater over whatever random thrift store T-shirt... for two years... no matter what the weather... even if it was ninety degrees out... in August.

5) The fact that Kurt used to have this sticker on his guitar. Which I thought was SUPER PROFOUND:



6) That's about it.


Okay, anyway, this blog has now swerved wildly off course, and I'm going to end it. Thanks for reading this far, though, buddy. ...And by the way, you may have heard some crazy rumors about this blog, possibly even started by me. Just ignore them all. We have no idea what's going on! I'm serious!



--Oliver


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"Speed Racer": welcome to my idea of Hell.
5/7/2008 6:30:47 AM



I'm speechless. I literally don't know where to begin or end. This has to be the worst movie ever made, right?





Um. Reviewer David Edelstein, who's actually seen the movie, has this to say about it: "The film is like a nightmare in which you’re trapped in an arcade with screens on all sides and no eyelids." Um, yeah. That works for me.

So. Here's a thing that I learned from watching the trailer: ...so, apparently, Speed Racer's name in the movie is actually "Speed Racer"? ...The hell?! And his parents' names are, respectively, "Mom Racer" and "Pops Racer"? Come on now! It's like if my name was "Video Blogger" and my girlfriend's name was "Girlfriend." Seriously now. Throw me a fucking bone.

...And yes, I know that these were the characters' name in the cartoon. But the 'Speed Racer' cartoon makes no fucking sense whatsoever. It always kills me that if a director is making a movie based on, say, Shakespeare, or Jane Austen, or Homer's Odyssey, the first thing that they do is update everything to the 20th century, cut all the dialogue, and give all the characters guns. But if we're making a movie based on, say, "Lost in Space," or "Speed Racer" -- everything has to be the same down to the last little detail? Oh, a 'Speed Racer' movie -- gotta have a chimp. Because there was a chimp in the cartoon, right? And Racer X, he was always a compelling character, no? Let's stick him in as well...

Anyway. The movie opens this weekend. Here's betting that it'll be totally incoherent!



--Oliver


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Politics update.
5/7/2008 5:50:47 AM




...Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe that my candidate, Barack Obama, clinched the Democratic nomination for the Presidency with a win in North Carolina last night. Senator Clinton has canceled all her scheduled campaign appearances for today. We're all eagerly waiting to see what comes next.

And me? How do I feel about an Obama victory? I feel, um, vaguely uplifted. And I believe the following music video manages to slightly capture my feelings about Barack Obama, the next president of these United States:





WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OBAMA 'O8! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Ladies and gentlemen, can you smell what Barack Obama is cooking? Can you? Sniff it. Go on; go ahead; sniff the air. ...I'll wait.

Yeah? Did you smell that? He's cookin' up some CHANGE and some HOPE for your raggedy, hipstery, cynicism-lovin' asses. With a soupçon of AWESOMENESS on the side.

OBAMA 'O8. TASTE IT, BITCHES!

Anyway. Whatever.

Just let me enjoy my moment.


--Oliver


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Charlize Therond: Cat Chiropractor
5/6/2008 3:35:44 PM



As with most days here in the Hooksexup offices, one of my first orders of business is to make a pot of coffee and snuggle up to the cold arms of the internet, to see if it’s got any new funnies on it today. So imagine my surprise to find a video featuring not only my very favorite snuggly bearded man, Zach Galifinakis, but the daily Scanner’s own dear friend, Bobby Tisdale – who once made me laugh so hard at a reading I was afraid I might pee.

Bobby, any chance you could help me in my quest to smooch Mr. Galifinakis?

Anywho, Charlize Therond: Cat Chiropractor is fabulous enough for me to rep this video on here even without the Hooksexup tie-in, but… you knows. It doesn’t hurt.

— Caitlin MacRae



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It's college decision time once again!
5/6/2008 9:19:00 AM



...Or maybe it isn't college decision time! I can't remember. ...It happens in May, right?

So, anyway, hypothetical-young-person-that-I'm-now-speaking-to, a lot of very important different factors go into choosing the right school for you. For example, when I was an undergrad, I chose a school that I didn't want to go to, but that offered me a crap-load of money. ...But then, when it came time for graduate school, I reversed the process, and went to an incredibly expensive school that offered me no money, but that was located right outside Manhattan, had a 97% to 3% girl/guy ratio, and featured all-night naked lesbian parties. So which was the right choice? Both? Neither? Personally, I'm going with the all-night lesbian parties.

But that's me, and I'm smart, and belong to one of the ten richest families in America. You, on the other hand, are poor, and dumb. Plus, you're a mouth-breather. So you're going to have to take what you can get. And so... have you considered Quendelton State University?





Go QSU! By the way, watching this video reminded me of all the worst aspects of college. Which are as follows:

1) Plastic mattresses for extra blanket slippage.

2) Your brand new suicidal/anorexic/pothead/born-again Christian/having-loud-sex-while-three-inches-away-from-you... roommate!

3) The quad.

4) Anything involving bongos... which were generally played on the quad.

5) Student Health Services.

6) RAs.

7) Socks on doorknobs.

8) Having to go to poetry readings in the hopes of getting that Sylvia-Plath-ish girl to sleep with you.

9) Women's Studies majors.

10) Elementary Education majors.

11) Business majors.

12) Those dudes.

13) That girl.

14) Take-Back-the-Night marches.

15) Jell-O shots.

16) Those useless little intercoms with buttons that you're supposed to press if you're being raped or shot... while standing right next to an intercom.

17) People who used the word "aesthetic."

18) Walks of shame.

19) Fag hags.

20) Rich hippies.

21) The crushing realization that you've just spent 100,000 dollars so that you can have a civilized conversation... about "Beowulf."

22) "So what do you want to do tonight?" "I dunno, so what do you want to do tonight?"

23) People who think they're going to be faithful to their high school boyfriend/girlfriend.

24) Senior-year boyfriends/girlfriends.

25) Senioritis

26) Graduation.


...And so, you've got all that to look forward to, hypothetical young person! And remember: college is the best time of your life. Everything after college is totally downhill.



--Oliver


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Crunch time
5/5/2008 12:45:09 PM

Are you, um, feeling pressed for time these days? Like me? So, there is yet another huge Democratic Primary coming up tomorrow, and so, with the help of our friends at Slate Magazine, here's the entire Democratic Presidential race... compressed into seven minutes. Oh, man, it's like finding an old photo album of you and your college buddies and girlfriends... nostalgic, and yet totally embarrassing at the same time. Remember when we stayed up all night drinking with Dennis Kucinich? Remember when he said that he saw a UFO? Remember Hillary and her crazy "Star Trek" outfits? And that laugh? Remember when we pretended to care that Obama plagiarized from someone else? ...And hey... whatever happened to that ol' Joe Biden guy, anyway?

Don't worry. If you can't remember all this stuff, after watching this video, you will... you will...






--Oliver


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The end of everything.
5/3/2008 1:00:00 PM



Death, like so many great movies, is terribly sad.

...But before we get to that...

It's tent caterpillar season here in New Orleans. One of the great disadvantages to living in a town that is, essentially, a swamp, is that we have approximately seven different seasons of gross bugs. There's the season of Enormous Cockroaches. The season of mosquito-y things that aren't quite mosquitoes. The season of really tiny black bugs that always seem to die mid-coitus, while fucking. ...And then, of course, the season of tent caterpillars, who cover our trees in enormous nets of hammock-like gray filaments, and who then fall to the ground in thousands, and who get squished, and die.


___



All those caterpillars getting smushed reminds me of something. ...What was that thing again? ...Ah yes. Death.

The Hooksexup Video Blog is coming to an end.

...But before we get to that, here's a video. And I might point out that the videos that I'll be posting on this particular blog will have almost nothing to do with anything. But since this blog will soon be going to the great blog graveyard in the sky, I'll just be getting my entirely random song/video posting out of my system.






___



So, the video blog is coming to an end, in the next couple of weeks. We gave it a shot; we had a good run; we [insert sports-related cliché here]. Jess and I may soon be writing for a new blog for Hooksexup, but that's the future, and as for the future: we don't know.

I will, in any event, continue writing on the web in one form or another, and I'll give you guys the link to that, before we say bye bye for real.

It's bittersweet. This is the second "this is the end of this blog" column-thingy that I've had to write for Hooksexup. God wot that there will not be a third. And, yet, in a weird way, I really like writing "goodbye; this is the end" column entries. I don't know why, but at the same time, I also know why.

See that image that I posted at the very top of this blog? That's from the very first comic book that I ever read. Comic books were my literature, growing up, and god knows, if I could manage to keep track of them, I'd probably still be reading them today. I picked up the comic pictured above randomly in a drug store, and I was instantly hooked. And it just so happened that the first comic book that I ever read was the final issue in a series that had gone on for over fifteen years. In the comic, nearly everyone died, and the good guys -- stunningly, to my mind -- had to vaporize themselves, die and turn themselves into columns of dust, in order to defeat the forces of evil.

I can still remember the first page of the issue, burned as it is into my memory. It showed the picture of an outstretched hand, trailing a slender handful of ashes, which were caught up, and which dissipated, into the wind. And it featured the caption:

"...In the end... everything will be ashes. Ashes and dust."


This was a hell of a thing for an eleven year-old kid to read, and I'm not sure that I ever got over it.






___



I grew up with a sense of nostalgia. I may have gotten this from my father. My father loves old things: old trains, old diners, old cars. And so I grew up loving the same things that he loved. Except that these things -- trains, cars, old movies -- were from his childhood, not mine. And so I grew with a sense of nostalgia for things that had happened before I was even born.

Here's a quote:

"...Art," said Phlox, later. We were in her bed. There was the green glow of her radio dial and the faint, lost voice of Patti Page singing 'Old Cape Cod.' "What happened? Tell me. It was rude to leave like that. I'm embarrassed."

...I pressed up against her, spoonwise, and spoke over the soft and slightly damp lip of her ear. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "Everyone has some things he doesn't like to discuss, no?"

"You have too many," said Phlox.

"This song always kills me," I said.

She sighed, and then gave up. "Why?"

"Oh, I don't know. Nostalgia. It makes me feel nostalgia for a time I never even knew. I wasn't even alive."

"That's what I do to you too," she said. "I'll just bet."

It was what everything I loved did to me.


I guess what I'm saying, or trying to say, is that saying goodbye to stuff makes me feel sad, but also happy, in a weird way. As though it confirms a certain view that I have about the world. That, in a way, everything that is worth happening has happened already.


___







That this blog is ending is good/bad. I found out this morning that the vid-blog is not long for this world, and my first reaction was: "Shit. What will I write about now?" ...And then I paced around my apartment for half an hour, and then I sat down, and wrote a couple of scenes for my novel, and a scene for my memoir. (...I'm writing one of each; that way, whenever I say to myself, "God, this book that I'm working on sucks," I can just switch over, painlessly, to the other one.) ...And then I was like: "Oh, so that's what I'll be writing about now."

...And so it's god/bad. I enjoyed writing this blog, a lot, but I will also enjoy writing other things.

I felt like I had a lot more that I was going to say, but I realize, looking back at those two sentences above, that that really kind of sums it up.

Anyway, since I'm feeling like I'm in an expansive mood, and since I love quoting shit, here's a passage from one of my favorite writers, talking about death, and the future. He's a really good writer, and you should probably go, right now, and buy his book.


...On the way back from the airport, I got off the expressway at the river road and parked the car at the edge of the woods. I walked up a steep path. There was an old picket fence with a sign.

THE OLD BURYING GROUND
Blacksmith Village


The headstones were small, tilted, pockmarked, spotted with fungus or moss, the names and dates barely legible. The ground was hard, with patches of ice. I walked among the stones, taking off my gloves to touch the rough marble. Embedded in the dirt before one of the markers was a narrow vase containing three small American flags, the only sign that someone had preceded me to this place in this century. I was able to make out some of the names, great strong simple names, suggesting a moral rigor. I stood and listened.

I was beyond the traffic noise, the intermittent stir of factories across the river. So at least in this they'd been correct, placing the graveyard here, a silence that had stood its ground. The air had a bite. I breathed deeply, remained in one spot, waiting to feel the peace that is supposed to descend upon the dead, waiting to see the light that hangs above the fields of the landscapist's lament.

I stood there, listening. The wind blew snow from the branches. Snow blew out of the woods in eddies and sweeping gusts. I raised my collar, put my gloves back on. When the air was still again, I walked among the stones, trying to read the names and dates, adjusting the flags to make them swing free. Then I stood and listened.

The power of the dead is that we think they see us all the time. The dead have a presence. Is there a level of energy composed solely of the dead? They are also in the ground, of course, asleep and crumbling. Perhaps we are what they dream.

May the days be aimless. Let the seasons drift. Do not advance the action according to a plan.



...And that's it, for the moment. But there'll be some more video blogs to come, in the next couple of weeks. ...And we'll be seeing you soon; on the other side.


--Oliver


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*
5/2/2008 11:28:13 AM

Sorry about my lack of vid-blogging this week... But we have mucho importando news about the Video Blog coming up. In the meantime, here's a little light music:






--Oliver


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