Drop Your Pants and Put Your Hands on the Subway Car
1/11/2008 1:53:55 PM
Ever nakedly sprint across your campus, busting through a few games of catch, and actually wet yourself (a little) with excitement? Nothing quite says “best friends forever” like letting a little extra hang out for the world to see—in a posse, of course. That’s why you New Yorkers should shake off them trousers and participate in Improv Everywhere’s “7th Annual No Pants! Subway Ride.” I mean, let’s face it, exhibitionism isn’t about shocking the layman, it’s about that unobtainable rush of being (partially) naked—in public!—and all the camaraderie that lingers even after you’re buckled back into those Levis. Will it put a stop to climate change? Nope. Will Huckabee, somewhere, turn crimson with shame just for sharing stars and stripes with a bunch of no-good hooligans? I hope so. But even more likely is that your cohorts in pantlessness will be sharp-witted and fearless, two of the finest qualities a human can exude. So take off your goddamn pants kids! Just, make sure your skivvies are clean. And avoid the cops.
Peace!
– Lauren Belski
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The Top 5 Awkward Sex Scenes
1/11/2008 10:00:00 AM
This scene straddles the line between "awkward" and "completely fucking bizarre." Luckily, the girl doesn't seem to mind too much. ...I'd imagine that it's pretty hard for ventriloquists to get chicks, especially when they bring their wooden dummies along. If I were a mime or something like that, I think I'd just hang out with a big group of ventriloquists all the time, just to make myself feel better. I'd have to signal their own loserish-ness to them using only my acting skills and a bunch of complex hand gestures, but still, it would be worth it.
You know what I don't want to be doing with my new girlfriend? Walking through a voyeuristic creepy hallway in a sex hotel. And yet this is what happens with Natalie Portman and... that guy from "Scrubs". Man, that guy from "Scrubs" — Zach Braff, I believe his name is — had a pretty short shelf-life, huh? We all liked him for five seconds after this movie, and then he made his shitty second movie, and revealed himself to be — not a charming geek like his character in "Garden State," but an insecure, overcompensating, assholish geek. The kind of guy who would date Mandy Moore for no reason, cheat on her, then dump her for Drew Barrymore for no reason, and incidentally, make an awful second movie about the all-important struggles of a guy trying to decide which overly hot girl he should fuck. And by the way, don't miss the episode of "Punk'd" where Zach Braff freaks out in real life and starts cursing out an eight year-old child. Oh, Zach, if only you didn't suck in real life. As an actual charming geek, I feel entirely vindicated by his quick rise and humiliating fall. Good stuff.
...Um, speaking of celebrities that I don't like in the context of awkward sex scenes — Hey! It's Kevin Spacey! I got to meet Kevin Spacey once, while he was filming "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" in Savannah, Georgia. My friend T. was dating his personal assistant, and he didn't like her, so he falsely accused her of stealing stuff from his apartment. Then, I rode on a bus for two days to Savannah in order to meet T., and when I met her, she was playing pool at a pool hall with Mr. Spacey and his assistant, and a bunch of 18 year-old guys who seemed to be there for no reason. I was a little shocked by this, and when I met Mr. Spacey, I said, "Hey, wow, Mr. Spacey; what an honor. I loved you in the 'Usual Suspects.'" And he said, quote, "Get away from me." And then he went back to playing pool and fondling the asses of the 18 year-old boys who had been procured specifically for his needs. What a guy. Anyway.
For me, this scene is awkward, because you're about to have sex with Angelina Jolie, but at the same time, you're also like, "God, she's so awful and annoying," and it might almost come as a relief when she finally pushes you away. As a side-note, I often wonder what poor Brad Pitt's life must be like, "Angie? How many more kids do we have to adopt today before we can go back to the hotel and do it? ...Five more? Really? **Sigh** Okay then, let's go. Come on, everyone. ...Come on, little Pedro, Xi'an, Camilla, Maddox, Julian, Dakota, Zoe, Sooraya, Espen, Gabriel, Fiona, Illyana, Kurt, Logan, Hector, Regan, Shen, Montana, Ororo, Petra, Armando, Shiro, Piotr, Erik, Remy, Kuan-Yin, Allison, Jean-Paul, Miranda, Santo, Noriko, David, Amara, Wade, Rahne, Jimaine, Roberto, Evangeline. Let's all follow mommy."
...And this concludes my mini-Hooksexup segment about "celebrities that I don't like." I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Let's move on to number one on our list now, shall we?
This scene represents an extreme improvement on my own personal loss of virginity scene, which I have pretty much successfully blacked out of my memory. I wish I had had Maggie Gyllenhaal with me back in the day to smooth these things along. Anyway, this scene wins because I love the way she gently informs him that he doesn't have to take his watch off in order to have sex. ...I used to wonder about things like this, back when I was a virgin. Like, for example: socks. On or off? It seemed like a very important question, at the time.
— Oliver
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Army of Ducks
1/11/2008 9:00:00 AM
Question: how can you resist a video entitled "Army of Ducks"? Answer: you can't.
Apropos of nothing except for ducks, might I mention that when I was a little kid, I visited Lake Michigan, and walked around barefoot, and a baby duck waddled up to me and stepped on my foot? It was awesome. And it felt like someone was touching me with a rubber glove -- like, one of those yellow dishwashing gloves. That's what the duckling's foot felt like.
Anyway, that's it. Carry on.
--Oliver
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Hillary Cries, a Nation Weeps
1/10/2008 6:08:22 PM
Oh man, I guess we had to get around to this one eventually. Okay, here's the deal. No, I don't think she was faking, and yes, her crying was what won her the New Hampshire Primary. I know this because I can't stand Hillary Clinton, but even I like her in this clip. So yeah, the crying was what caused her to win. Also:
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T BELIEVE OBAMA LOST! SON OF A BITCH!
Also also: I feel that it's a bad sign that it's taken Hillary thirty-five years to "find her voice" and to realize that if she just acts like a normal human being, people will like her. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
And so: on to South Carolina.
--Oliver
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Bill Gates' Final Day: Surprisingly Hilarious
1/10/2008 5:26:32 PM
Who knew Bill Gates was funny? This keynote speech/ farewell video has been making the rounds, and for good reason -- Gates is fearless about poking fun at himself.
With cameos from Bono, Jay-Z, Hillary Clinton, Jon Stewart, Barack Obama, and many more, you'd expect this sort of cleverness from Steve Jobs. Perhaps Gates is becoming -- dare I say it? -- cool in his old age.
--JGH
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Drunk History
1/10/2008 4:14:31 PM
"...Can you see my belly?" ...Witness American history as it's never been told before... after drinking a full bottle of scotch. It's "Drunk History, Vol. 1," featuring Michael Cera of "Superbad" and "Arrested Development" fame. Good stuff...
--Oliver
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Found on YouTube: "Dead Man"
1/10/2008 3:20:43 PM
...Allow me to present yet another new feature: "Found on YouTube," where I will be presenting... random stuff that I've found on YouTube. Allow me, by the way, to also point out that I'm gonna try to give y'all more porn; like, at least once a day. Luckily I've already done that for today, so now I can go back to random shit. Also allow me to remind you that this blog does now have an actual easy-to-remember web address: hooksexup.com/videoblog. Amazing!
Today we have... clips from the movie "Dead Man," starring Johnny Depp. It's weird 'cause I found this randomly, but I was also thinking about this poem the other day.
Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born.
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
That'd be from "Auguries of Innocence" by William Blake, the poet. Beautiful, no? Anyway, and the movie "Dead Man" is about a cowboy, played by Johnny Deep, who's also, coincidentally, named William Blake. And it's great; a great movie. I saw it stoned the first time -- so I thought maybe I was just an idiot when I saw it, and that it sucked -- but I just watched these clips again, and they're awesome. If you haven't seen the movie, go check it out. It's here, it's random, and I found it on YouTube:
--Oliver
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Pornalysis: Very hot asian whore
1/10/2008 1:31:43 PM
...First off, let me start by saying that this is NOT my title for the video. It's YouPorn's title. Also: shame on you, YouPorn! Not cool! For several different reasons:
1) I'm sure that the girl has a name, even if it's just a fake porn name. She'd probably appreciate it if we used her name.
2) "Asian"? You don't call people Asian, really. Although you should capitalize it when you do. But you shouldn't. People prefer it when you refer to them by their specific ethnicity: Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc...
3) "Whore" is just really rude. Yes, okay, she is having sex for money, but we're the ones watching her, so who are we to point fingers? You know what I'm saying?
...With that out of the way, here we are with yet another link to a YouPorn movie clip. So, there's that. As for the clip itself; cool, dirty talk, blah blah, and there's the added benefit of never having to see the guy's face, which is always nice.
But... you know what's lame? Titty-fucking, that's what. I did it myself a few times, in my younger days, and after a couple of times, I was like, "You know what? This is idiotic. And I'm only doing it because I've seen it in porn." ...Pray tell, what, dear Liza, dear Liza, is the point? You've got a perfectly serviceable mouth and/or vagina sitting right there! (And ass, for those of you who like anal sex. I, personally, don't.)
Rubbing your penis between a girl's breasts is just dopey. There. I said it. Yes, it highlights the fact that she has large breasts, but it doesn't feel very good, and when girls have to make fake groaning noise while doing it, that's even dumber, because -- NEWS FLASH -- it doesn't feel good for them either. It just feels like they're rubbing something between their breasts. Duh.
There. I said it. And now I'm done. You may all return to your normal lives now.
--Oliver
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"The Game" Hits the Streets. As Does Parker Lewis...
1/9/2008 6:21:55 PM
Rules Of The Game - Episode 1: Be A D--khead
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The Pick-Up Artist introduced America to the douchiness that is Mystery, his wooden-Eskimo sunglasses, and Mad Hatter hat. Neil Strauss wrote Rules of The Game, where Mystery lead him to the righteous path of correctly picking up women. Strauss, so cool now that he’s engaged to a boobilicious peroxide blonde, conducts a contest weekly where he has two 90s FOX sitcom “stars” compete to see who gets the most phone numbers. David Faustino, the youngest Bundy on /i>Married with Children, and Corin Nemec, from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, apparently have lost their power and stature among starfuckers.
In this first installment, Faustino, who has read Rules of the Game, must sport a dildo attached to his head, while getting women to talk to him. Nemec, obviously more attractive, hasn’t read the book, and he doesn’t know that a man needs to wear at least one interesting article of clothing in order to successfully pick-up a woman.
Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, Faustino wins three numbers out of fifteen approaches, while Nemec gets none. As the loser, he needs to eat 100 steaks. Why steaks? You’ll just have to watch to find out…
– Liz Nadybal
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"The Cool Guys"
1/9/2008 2:02:53 PM
Aah! My internet at home still isn't working, which means that I can't write about porn the way that I want to, unless I want my fellow law students to start thinking of me as "that creepy guy who watches porn in the school library." Although, come to think of it, that might be a step up from my current designation: "that guy who smokes cigarettes and never talks to anyone."
Anyway, speaking of guys... here's my pal Lev on the topic of... guys. Specifically, cool guys. This story reminds me of the time that I was mistakenly adopted by the cool skateboarding crowd during my first two weeks of high school. ...That was an odd two weeks; two weeks that were marked by my increasingly convoluted excuses as to why I didn't, you know, want to actually go skateboarding with anyone. Finally, I was bounced out of the group when they realized that I didn't know how to pronounce the word "Stussy" correctly. They never talked to me again. Skateboarders don't forgive easily.
That's it for now. I'll have some stuff from www.youporn.com as soon as my internet at home actually works, because I don't really want to look like a chronic public masturbator. ...Until then. Shalom!
--Oliver
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