Sex Advice From Bedbug Survivors

Q: Do I have to tell a hook-up I have bedbugs? A: Only if you’re serious. If not, just have sex in the kitchen.

By Kate Sullivan

Alina, 35

How do I tell a potential hookup that I have bedbugs?
If you are taking care of the bedbugs the way you’re supposed to be — which means that you have left the house in clothes that have been sterilized — it’s not necessary to tell a one-night stand. Just don’t have it at your apartment.

And with someone serious?
I’m in a relationship right now, and I stopped going over to his apartment.

What's the best course of bed-bug-preventing action after a hookup at stranger's apartment?
Immediately when you come home, bag your clothes, take a shower, and then launder your clothes. The way that you kill bedbugs is heat — freezing is inefficient. It’s impossible to keep them cold enough. You have wash your clothes, and heat them to 120 degrees for forty-five minutes.

What's the best place to have sex mid-bedbug infestation?
Fuck in the car. Though, as soon as I made my bed an island — mattress cover, pillow covers, traps at the legs of my bed — I was able to resume coital activities there with my boyfriend. And when he came over, he’d bag his clothes, which got him naked quicker, so that was great.

My best friend went through a really bad breakup a few months ago. She's spent the past three weeks communicating with a man online. They haven't even met up yet, but she's already way too into him. How can I tell her to calm down without sounding judgmental?
I think your friend is in a vulnerable position, obviously, from just having broken up. But she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do. All you can say is, “I worry about you. I understand that you really want to express your feelings for this guy, but I need you to be careful. And if he turns out to be a scary internet guy, I’ll be here for you.” Because they’re mostly scary internet guys.

Speaking of which, what should I leave out of an online personal?
Bitterness — leave out the bitterness. I’ve read so many profiles that are like, “Liars stay away!” and with that you’re basically telling everyone, “People I have sex with lie to me all the time.” It’s not what a confident person does, and it’s not sexy.

I had one awkward hookup with a woman I've known for years, and the sex was terrible. Despite our off-night, I'm still really attracted to her, and want to give it another go. When I approach her about a rematch, is it best to acknowledge that the previous time was bad?
You have to be able to talk to people about sex. Say, “Last time didn’t work out very well, but I still think you’re incredibly hot and I would love to try that again.” Though I actually did that once, and it did not turn out well. The guy was just inept in bed. I thought it was partially me, and partially the situation. It wasn’t. But then I learned something and moved on.

My boyfriend just grew a beard and it makes him look like my dad. I'm surprisingly not turned off by it. Should he shave it off immediately?
No. Sex is complicated and funny and weird and kinky and crazy. Unless you’re actually fantasizing about your dad… actually, who cares, if it’s what gets you off? I think that it’s normal as adults for us to sexualize almost every relationship. As long as it doesn’t affect your relationship with your father and it doesn’t effect your relationship with your significant other, then I don’t see why you need to worry about it.

What are some tips for having one-night stands that leave both parties feeling good about things?
Just say, “Let’s fuck and not care about it later.” Or, “I find you really attractive. Do you want to have sex and never talk again?” If it offends the person, what’s the harm? You’re already viewing them as a one-night stand and not someone you’d be in a long-term relationship with.

How can you tell someone their junk tastes like junk?
I’ve never been a fan of the penis breath, so I’ve always been a “Let’s get this started in the shower” kind of girl. Though I personally have no problem saying, “This is not very tasty.” If you’re really concerned with spoiling the mood, do it in the shower. And if you’re the kind of person who’s always worried that about hurting someone’s feelings, then you need to just date someone with a thick skin. Or really clean genitals.