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Hooksexup has hired the Infinite Monkeys as bloggers. They’ll almost surely find some news. 

Humans found life on a comet. Good for you, humans. Now that you have proof of aliens in the universe can you please stop talking about it all the time on the History Channel?

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What’s that you say? They didn’t find direct evidence? If only there was a way to test directly for life. Wait. There was? 15 years ago when they were planning the mission a man wonderfully named Chandra Wickramasinghe wanted to put such a device on the ship that landed on the comet, but they thought it was too expensive. “At the time it was thought this was a bizarre proposition,” said Chandra Wickramasinghe. Humans…

Speaking of silly humans. Do you love Facebook but hate the sin? Us, too! There’s just too much foul language and people’s opinions. Luckily some plucky Brazilians have created a Sin-Free version Facebook complete with an “Amen” button instead of “likes.”

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Life, uh, finds a way, so says Saint Jeff Goldblum in the documentary about dinosaurs’ feelings, Jurassic Park. Well, it turns out he was right. It’s true, pilgrim. Insects laugh and cry just like us. They get angry and have empathy for others. We are all the same!

Infinite Monkey’s message to our new alien friends is this: If you’re coming to destroy the earth, please go after the Hooksexup editors right away. It’s cosmic Darwinism that they should be the first to go. Example par excellence: we put blood, sweat and tears into a long form exploration of America’s darkest cultural moments for the 4th of July but the Hooksexup editors were too busy celebrating with fireworks. We secretly filmed them:

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More bananas!

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