The film: Christian Slater plays a depressed dude whose friends hire prostitute Patricia Arquette to give him a little loving pick-me-up. Since it’s Hollywood, of course she falls for him, they stumble into a lot of drugs, and then go on the lam to escape the vengeful mobsters. Overall, the film has lots of hits and lots of misses, but it does contain one of the greatest monologues in film history, delivered by Dennis Hopper.
The scene: On a bumfuck highway, Arquette and Slater put on a clinic in phonebook sex. Though the rest of the plot isn’t especially realistic, the movie gets everything right in this smoking-hot encounter.
The mechanics: Phone booths are all but extinct, so if you happen to see one along a deserted road somewhere, use it while you can! And follow Arquette and Slater’s lead to get the most out of the experience:
• Pick a really deserted road if you’re going to go mid-day. Truckers passing by at seventy miles an hour will see you just long enough to give you a honk, and hopefully there won’t be any families coming back from church.
• Use the phone to call a friend. Hell, someone has to know you’re doing it. And if you pick the right person, your reputation will be sealed forever.
• Prop her on the shelf. It’s a lot easier than trying to keep her lifted while you’re inning and outing. And since space to move is at a minimum, make sure her underwear is off before she hops up there.
• Stand on the phonebook — or, if you’re Slater’s height, hope that there are two.
Lesson we learn: There’s clearly one disadvantage to the cell-phone takeover: one of the greatest places to getting it on is going out of existence. Granted, phone booths are still everywhere in Europe, but even that is bound to change soon. So find one where you will, and join the club while you can.
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