The movie: Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn come up with the best place to pick up chicks this side of the visitation line at a prison: weddings! Learn a couple ballroom moves, say you’re an old friend from camp, and you’re in. Only problem: Wilson really falls for one of the bridesmaids (who’s engaged), and Vaughn finds himself hooking up with her psycho younger sister in the family house.
The scene: It must be nice to wake in the middle of the night to find your new conquest, the gorgeous Isla Fisher, squatting over you naked. Except in this case, Vaughn’s wrists are bound to the headboard, and Fisher is whispering: “I think the problem is I am not being adventurous enough for you! I’m gonna make all your fantasies come true!” before she duct tapes a washcloth over his mouth.
What you need:
• Four-poster bed: sure, it looks like the conservative furniture your grandparents had, but did you ever wonder why you have nine aunts and uncles?
• Thick rope: for bondage, specially made PVC tape (that miraculously sticks to nothing but itself, so no tearing out hair or skin!) is great, as are cinching straps from Home Depot or Ace Hardware. But if you’re going to go the old-fashioned way, get your rope at a good adult shop (like Toys in Babeland or Good Vibrations) or buy a thick-gauge one like Fisher uses; the thinner the cords, the more you risk cutting off circulation.
• Gag: you can use a washcloth, but a knotted silk scarf or ball gag will be a lot more comfortable for the recipient. And don’t use duct tape; it hurts like hell when it comes off. Use bondage tape or tie the scarf in the back.
The mechanics: The film is obviously a comedy, but, for the record, don’t ever tie someone up without their consent and an agreed-upon safeword. Not only is it unethical, it’s downright dangerous and illegal.
That said, bondage is one of the greatest gifts to sexuality, and should be explored by anyone who feels up for it. First agree on a safeword in case anyone gets freaked out. I like the standard traffic-light system: “green” for “entering the discomfort zone but you can keep going,” “yellow” for “almost at the limit,” and “red” for “stop immediately.” (And a gag must be agreed upon in advance, including a nonverbal safe-gesture — like snapping your fingers — if it gets to be too much.).
After that, the most important thing is not to tie the restraints too tight or you’ll cut off blood flow. The best way is to use a separate restraint for each wrist, secured just less than snug. Then the wrists can be tied to the bed’s posts, frame, legs, or can be tied together.
If the bound person ever starts feeling tingling or numbness, they need to tell you and you need to let them out immediately. And NEVER abandon a tied-up person — not only could they get upset or lose circulation, but they wouldn’t be able to escape a fire, intruder, etc.
Lesson we learn: It’s great to tie up your lover — if she or he consents and isn’t asleep when you do it. In your parents’ house in the middle of the night on your first date, however, probably isn’t the right time. But Vaughn survives, and by the end of the movie we find out that the same wild streak that led Fisher to push his boundaries seems to be keeping things pretty incredible — as they’ve unexpectedly fallen in love. Fisher’s timing might have been off, but her instincts were great.