Dear Miss Information,
I was madly in love, until I was dumped seventeen days ago. I felt like it came out of nowhere; since my ex dealt with depression, I didn't think his moodiness had anything to do with "us." I'm not over him. I fantasize about winning his love and being in a relationship with him again.
Here's where I fucked up: in the meantime, I slept with a virgin who now wants to show me off to his friends. I'm not ready to have a new boyfriend, but he said he feels "dishonest" if he can't put his arm around me in public. I liked spending time with him, but was clear from the first day we went out that I was only interested in a platonic relationship. I thought that I was safe from stumbling into couplehood, since I cried about my ex to him and told him flat-out that I wasn't not very attracted to him because he resembles a catfish. But he has many redeeming qualities and makes me feel sexy. I know I slept with him in a lapse of both judgment and self-esteem. Should I be the asshole who doesn't want to hang out after sex? I was stupid. — Stupid Stupid Stupid
Dear Stupid Stupid Stupid,
You know who else looks like a catfish? Johnny Depp, though something tells me I'm alone on this one. Whiskery bottom-feeder or no, it's time to cut bait. You are less than a month out of a relationship, one where you got dumped on your ass, out of the blue and are in no position to be venturing out again in high heels and party frocks.
The evidence? Your choices. Why would you sleep with a virgin when you don't want to be in a relationship? Why would you sleep with someone who makes you feel sexy when you don't find him sexy? It's like throwing a sushi dinner and buying all your ingredients at the dollar store. "I used mostly non-dented cans of Molly's Mock Artificial Krab and Taystee Boy Tuna. I didn't mean for anyone to projectile vomit."
In fairness, a sensible person doesn't hang around while his crush talks about someone else. Nor does he hand over his virginity to someone who compares him to a fish. You may be saying one thing and doing another, but he's just as guilty for ignoring your obvious signals. Why did he do it? Because he really, really likes you. Love makes people dopes like that, just like it's making it hard for you to dump Virgin Boy: you need the ego boost he provides because you're still sprung on your ex.
But people aren't tools. (Except maybe Tea Party members and anyone with the last name Lohan.) We can't use them for our purposes and then discard them, even if they're offering themselves up like a box of Kleenex. Ovary up and dump him. That's not being an asshole. To the contrary, selfishly trying to avoid a confrontation is being an asshole. Sit him down for a talk, apologize for leading him on, and then give those words weight by ending the daily hangouts. Believe it or not, I could see this blossoming into a beautiful booty-call situation if you can both muster up some willpower and let it rest for awhile.
Dear Miss Information,
My fiancé and I are both twenty-nine and have been together for more than five years. He doesn't want to get married until homosexuals can get married. While I admire and respect his stance, I'd like to get married while I'm still young. I got insecure about it and asked if this was an excuse to not marry me. He assured me it wasn't, and even suggested we start a family. I would also like to start a family, but I want to be married first. Maybe I'm just vain and selfish for wanting to be young and childless at my wedding. But I don't see gay marriage being fully legalized any time soon.
His older sister is a lesbian and it kills him that she does not have the same rights as him. I've considered asking her to give him her blessing, but I feel like I would be stepping over some brother/sister bond there. She knows he will not marry until she can. Would I be out of line talking to her about my feelings and asking her for this? — Bride on Hold
Dear Bride On Hold,
You could stay together and not get married, as a testament to your commitment to the cause. But I think a better way to demonstrate that commitment would be to go ahead and have a wedding, but in lieu of gifts, request donations to your favorite same-sex-marriage organization. You could also hire a gay officiant, have his sister read a statement at the wedding, or agree that for every hour you spend on wedding hoopla, double that time will be spent volunteering on behalf of gay marriage. I don't mean to sound callous, but if you stay unmarried, I don't see the world taking notice. Maybe if you were Prince William, or one of Barack Obama's daughters. Even still, direct action beats passive action. Vegetarians shouldn't give up eating just because McDonald's is still open.
Politics aside, there's still the question of how to approach it with his sister. Do you ask his permission to speak with her about the issue, or do you just plow forward? I guess it depends on how close you are with her, and how you think he'd react if you went around him. Getting permission is the most respectful course of action, but you have a right to talk to her even if he doesn't want to allow it. Open up a dialogue with her. You both love the same guy, so you should have a lot to talk about.
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Commentarium (36 Comments)
I don't buy for a minute the dude who's refusing to get married until his lesbian sister. Unless he's planning on living and raising a family with his sister, his priorities are screwed up. While admirable to want to do something about the heinous injustice surrounding gay marriage, the bottom line is NOT getting married because his sister can't really doesn't do much to further the cause. His sister and the cause would be far better served by his getting politically active in the cause. Nobody in the world really cares that he isn't getting married until his sister can. And people who are against or even indifferent about the issue care even less. If he loves this woman and REALLY wants to raise a family with her, he would respect her desire to be married before they start a family (although personally I think that's somewhat irrational as well.)
regarding bride on hold. i have three thoughts. one: the first is that a very frank discussion regarding the realities of the legal protections that come with marriage and their value viz a vis starting a family (if it hasn't already gone down) should happen. gay marriage isnt worth campaigning for just because it hurts their feelings (though it does) there are serious legal disadvantages. Which I'm sure your Man is aware of, but somehow not fully connecting in his Principled Stance. Two: don't get married, but have a big commitment ceremony. none of the legally-binding-or-protected nature, but still the getting up in front of friends and family and saying vows. Three: get married in Iowa. Go to the only state that fully recognizes gay marriage. Your man wants to make a statement with his and *your* marital status. Seems only fair that you'd have some say in what form that statement takes. Go to Iowa, ask for donations for your favorite gay charity, make sure everyone you know knows what you're doing and why. You'll reach more people with the event of your marriage in Iowa protest than you will just telling people why you're not married.
my husband and i got married in boston, by a gay minister, at a beautiful historic church that hosts far more gay marriages then straight. we live in new york. no family from boston. it was noticable that we were going somewhere to get married.... like a lot of our friends who cannot get married in new york have had to do... much more noticable and thought and discussion provoking then continuing to stay unmarried would of.
the whole 'pact-with-his-sister' thing throws a bit of a monkey wrench, but really, if you can get him to think about it there are much more effective ways to protest that.
I am straight and when I get to the married stage, I won't wait for gays to get married. Instead I'll just make sure to get married at a gay-positive Church, include a message about marriage equality somewhere in the wedding blah blah blah stuff, and invite extra gays. Maybe we can establish new roles at the wedding party, "the Gay of Honor" and "Best Lesbian".
Awesome awesome advice to bride on hold
Stupid doesn't seem stupid -- more like self centered and kind of mean.
Stupid did the kind of stupid things that you do when you're freshly dumped and ragged with hearbreak. She rebounded with the wrong guy. Hey, it happens. Erin's advice is correct: dump the newly deflowered beau with as much graciousness as she can muster, then get back to the grim work of healing before heading out on the market again.
Re. Bride on Hold: There's nothing wrong with having a principled stance on something, even if it's passive. Maybe it doesn't further the cause, but it quite possibly soothes his conscience that he's not enjoying benefits that his sister - and millions of others - aren't given. I think it's pretty lame that her desire to get married "young and childless" somehow trumps that. Also, opting out of marriage for political reasons doesn't preclude other types of direct action. Moreover, it's not hard to imagine how it could have a real impact, particularly if lots of people also refused to participate in state-sanctioned marriage. But God forbid people people act out in ways that actually involves some sort of personal sacrifice.
So yes, *those* tea partners are tools... But you base your opinion on the Huffington Post (one of the most worthless, close-minded, one-sided leftist media outlets anywhere)? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little, and at least some of that vomit included my respect for you.
Ps. Should have been "tea partiers", not "partners". Stupid iPhone auto-correct. :(
It sounds like on some level, Stupid is employing the "shit flows downhill" theory of post-breakup strategy. Someone made her feel like shit, so now she's going to make someone else feel like shit. But since she's a halfway decent human being, she feels sorta guilty about it. And she damn well should!
Besides, what kind of asshole tells someone "I don't want to fuck you because you look like a catfish", and then fucks them? When a guy does this stuff (usually as part of some lameass "Seduction Artist" routine), everyone calls for his head, and rightly so. Why isn't that happening here, eh? Maybe some people think that Stupid automatically deserves extra sympathy because she's a girl, but I'm not one of them.
@FFS on the one hand, I completely agree. But on the other, Nick Hornby said it best - approximately thus - : before you call me an asshole, think for a minute about the worst thing you have ever done in your love life. Got it? Okay. *Now* who's the asshole?
Kat - honestly, I don't have any big regrets or guilty memories, just collections of small ones. I'm a pretty conscientious person, and between that and a bit of good luck, I haven't ever cheated or been cheated on, been abusive or abused, or any of the big cosmic stuff that so many people seem to experience. If anything, maybe I wish I'd been more of an asshole; some people would've ended up hurt, but I might have had more fun (and gotten to fuck hotties who I turned down since I didn't want to be a cheater).
Having said that, I don't stay awake at night, wishing I'd told my bedmates how much they looked like unattractive wild animals. I mean, I once had sex with someone who kinda looked like a hippo (actually, they were a pretty good lay!) but I would never tell them that, since why make them feel completely shitty? Making mistakes is one thing, we all fuck up and hurt the people we care about. But actively trying to cut someone down and TRYING to make them feel shitty is on a different level, and unless you're Troy McClure, telling your beau he looks like a catfish is 100% hurtful in intent.
Re: Bride on Hold. I'm a lesbian, a lawyer, and active in gay rights, and (for whatever it's worth, which is probably very little if anything) I give you permission to get married. By refusing to marry, you'll only discredit the immense legal value of marriage. Think of it this way: if it's so easy for you to not get married, then why should gays be fighting for the opportunity? As such, a refusal to marry arguably undermines the LGBT struggle for that fundamental right. Miss Information offered great suggestions that will make a much more noticeable, and positive, impact.
Why the LiLo hate?
@FFS
This girl sounds like a person with really low self-esteem after a break-up, rather than someone with a malicious plan to make the poor guy feel as shitty as possible. And it follows that when an immature person feels hurt and upset, they will treat other people in a hurtful manner, simply due to their own inner frustration.
Now, what this girl did is deeply irresponsible and un-self aware. She tried to heal her bruised ego by latching on to the first person who gave her attention, even though she didn't particularly like the person. Hopefully she will take Erin's advice and never do this again - and find healthier ways to heal a wounded heart in future.
It is good that you, FFS, are mature enough to not treat others in this way. Hopefully more people will learn from this.
Kat - I appreciate the thoughtful response, and mostly agree. The only thing I'd say is that I'm wary of attaching much importance to a person's conscious intent. People do shitty things all day long, and yet very few think to themselves, "Hmmm, how can I be a total asshole today?" Intent is inherently unknowable -- and the road to hell is paved with good ones! -- but RESULTS can be observed and more importantly, predicted.
I think part of maturity (i.e. the maturity that SSS is lacking) is knowing that results are really what count. True, if I say or do something that hurts someone, it might help the injured party to know my intent. But -- contrary to popular belief! -- it doesn't mean the hurt is invalidated if I "didn't mean anything by it", or if they "took it the wrong way". It doesn't even matter who's "right". What matters is that they're in pain, my actions caused it, and it needs to be fixed. To do anything else is the behavior of someone who hasn't really grown up yet, and I think that's what makes a lot of relationships fail.
Meant to add:
I also think there's a difference between someone's conscious and unconscious intent. Sometimes people aren't aware of their own desires, and don't realize they want to hurt someone. I'm sure we've both met the typical passive-aggressive type, who seems super-nice and polite on the surface, and yet has all kinds of venom and rage underneath - rage typically expressed via comments that seem innocuous, and are impossible to call them out on, yet are totally hurtful and designed to make the target feel small.
@FFS
That is an excellent reply. Nothing more to add.
"Virgin Boy"? "Why would you sleep with a virgin when you don't want a relationship?" Miss Information, I really expected better of you. Very disappointed.
I'm not usually a Dan Savage fan, but you should see what he wrote about not getting married until gay people can:
https://prod.hooksexup.com/advice/2009/10/07/savage-love-should-we-get-marrie...
i bet if gay people werent allowed to eat cake, that wouldnt stop the guy from eating cake. giving shit up on principle that you didnt want to do anway is easy.
I'm slightly more sympathetic to the straight dude that doesn't want to get married than other commenters.
If he's close with his sister he might feel like a jerk planning a big, ostentatious event around the state sanctioning his relationship, when his sister will likely not have that same right any time soon. Still, his loyalties should lie with the woman who will be the mother of his children. Erin's right, not getting married doesn't agitate the Mormon right wingers.
@FFS-- right on! I have had occasion to observe this a lot recently, and I wholeheartedly agree that just because we're all human and people fuck up, and they always have a reason, that reason isn't an excuse for shitty behavior and it doesn't mean that the other person wasn't hurt. Kudos also to Kat, for thoughtful responses to that thread that also allowed the discussion to continue. I don't remember the last time I saw someone make any one intelligent comment in response to an online article, never mind the last time I saw two people disagree respectfully and then work it out to a smart conclusion.
Erin, though-- I almost always love everything you have to tell your advice-seekers, and I was on board with you until your last sentence to Stupid x 3. If we're acknowledging that it was terribly inconsiderate of her to deflower a dude she thought was hideous and had no intention of seeing long-term, then it's irresponsible to appeal to her aforementioned selfishness by suggesting she string the poor guy along a little more at a later date. Stupid, tell the guy the truth-- that you did something thoughtlessly and without regard for his feelings, and you're so, so sorry. Let him get whatever he wants-- anger, sorrow, and the like-- off his chest, and discourage in no uncertain terms any expressions of denial he might have about this possibly working out. Give him maybe another month to call you up or email you with more shit he thinks up that he needs to say to you, and then cut off contact completely. You cannot be friends, at least not now-- he needs to put out the torch without you coming along to reignite it on a regular basis. You're clearly not evil and don't deserve any abuse, but a certain amount of taking shit from him with a dignified stoicism is your duty at this point.
As for the Bride, I've heard of hetero couples doing what you guys are doing-- when they both agree that it's exactly the statement they want to make in exactly the way they want to make it. If you're so far apart even on whether to marry, maybe he's not the guy with whom you're meant to spend your life. Successful marriages are comprised of two people who can pretty much agree on the big stuff (like, oh, whether to get married) and can agree to disagree on nearly anything else. If you're with the wrong guy now, maybe it's time to move on so you can have what you want out of life with the right guy. If all you're lacking is a creative solution, then I must say I love the idea of the NY couple who married in Boston. If you're just not getting married, people who don't know you two very well might just assume that you're choosing not to get married. But, if you have a date set and are picking out flower arrangements, every acquaintance asks for the details whether they care or not because it's socially expected. Then you get the chance to tell it from the highest mountain that you're protesting your state's exclusion of gay couples by giving the significant revenue of a wedding ceremony to businesses in a state that does honor gay marriage. I'm a staunch supporter of gay marriage and unlikely to marry anybody, myself, but it's not wrong of you to try to get what you want in life, and only the person who can help you do that and vice versa is the person with whom you ought to be entering into a lifelong legal contract.
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