Please Advise: Why do I feel bad about sleeping with two guys around the same time?
A Hooksexup reader questions her supposed promiscuity.
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this girl out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
I'm stuck somewhere in the weird, confusing gray area between an old relationship and a potential new one. My former partner and I still spend a lot of time together and occasionally sleep together, but we've both decided we can't be together officially right now, even though the sex is still great.
The new guy I'm seeing made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't interested in becoming serious, which I'm okay with since I just got out of a relationship. I don't exactly feel the need to choose between them, since neither is trying to make a commitment to me, but I'm also not completely honest with each of them about the existence of the other.
So, when the two relationships get close to overlapping, I end up feeling guilty and a bit dirty. By overlapping, I mean that, on occasion, it just works out that I end up sleeping with both guys in one twenty-four-hour period. Frankly, physically, I kind of feel like a slut, but otherwise — emotionally, rationally — I don't think I should! Am I feeling bad because of some ridiculous double-standard stigma that society has ingrained in us to keep women's promiscuity in check? Should I feel awesome or awful?
— Feeling Like A Floozy
Help her out! If you've got questions of your own, email them to .
Commentarium (64 Comments)
You should feel awesome!!!
I totally agree. Mazeltov to you!
awesome!
Embrace it, enjoy it... Think of them as transition bed mates that you'll jettison sometime soon. You are a free agent, emotionally and romantically. You don't need to settle down right now so spread your wings (or legs - whatever) and sew your wild oats!
Has everyone been tested for STDs? If/when you get knocked up, will you be able to tell which one is responsible?
Just make sure you're protected from both STDs and pregnancy, and then go nuts!
Surely the larger concern is to protect either of them from STDs as you are the potential vector for disease in this scenario.
Also, is it possible that either or both of these men are seeing other women? You might want to clarify the rules on fluid exposure for everyone's benefit, which is a convenient way to announce your non-monogamy if you were looking to do so. Don't worry about being a slut, but make sure you figure out your own ideas of honesty/truthiness/privacy/etc.
I'm in the same situation.
I have a boyfriend who is away, but we have an open agreement; an FB who I have no emotional attachment to; and now someone who I'm starting to see myself able to be in a relationship with. Not entirely deceiving any of them, not 100% honest with all of them.
My guilt comes from the fact that I have better/greater expectations for myself.
No one should tell you how to feel. If you feel guilty it may be a hint that you are uncomfortable with your choices. There is no wrong or right just the outcome circumstances you are faced to live with.
I suspect part of the guilt is social stigma, which can be chucked out the window at your earliest convenience. (I know, easier said than done, but the slut myth is totally useless.) The other part of the guilt sounds like emotional connection with/conflict about the ex. Maybe you feel like you're "cheating" on the ex even though you rationally know that it's not the case. On the other hand, maybe you're still in monogamy-mode because you've just come out of a relationship, still having that reaction against all reason. That could cause you to feel like you're cheating--even though you aren't-- because your gut reaction just hasn't adjusted yet.
In any case, I see nothing wrong with multiple partners who have no expectation of exclusivity. Neither of them wants to be exclusive, so you shouldn't have to be, either. I would reconsider sleeping with the ex, though, if you think that might be the root of your guilt. You could still have multiple partners, but it might be time to exclude the ex from your dance card.
There is no reason you should feel bad. These things sort of themselves out when they need to.
1st You don´t owe a guy, that won´t commit to you, ANYTHING. 2nd Do all the three of you have a current HIV/Chlamydia/whatever-test? If not, you´re supposed to use a condom anyway and then there´s no sperm inside of you and there´s no reason to feel "dirty", and even if - see above.
If the guilt bothers you, deal with the "not completely honest" part of the equation. Make sure they're both clear that you're sleeping with someone else as well. If they're both cool with it, then enjoy it!
You probably feel guilty because you aren't being honest with your fellas. Do you ever find yourself making excuses for why you can't see one guy or the other? You shouldn't discuss anyone's personal details, but make sure to tell the truth when you can't see one guy because you're going on a "date" with another. once the element of secrecy is removed, your feelings of guilt should go away
I think the guilt comes from the deception, not from the sleeping with two guys. You don't owe them anything, but if you want to, just to ease the guilt problem, try being more open about it. You don't have to be all serious about it, no "There's something I have to tell you" type of stuff. Try more like, "Woo Hoo! Two guys in one day!" and see how the second guy reacts to that. :-)
No, don't say that. Trust me.
ahaha
"Woo hoo"? Terrible idea. Unless you want to end it, while simultaneously attempting to make guy #2 feel crappy.
A girl who says that has no respect for me -or- the other guy. I'm all for being straight up about it and cool with the multiples, but if she sounded that way about it I wouldn't be interested in her.
yhooo never never say tht....am also sleeping with two guys same day,i wanna choose one of them but dnt knw wich1.i feel bad about this nd it hurts me after i've done it.
I was in the same situation last year...end of a serious relationship, beginning of a casual one. I was not entirely truthful either, though I wanted to be. Both of my guys happened to be of the variety that did not tolerate anything that seemed to be a threat to their "manhood"; thus, telling them another guy was in the mix would have been quite upsetting. I felt bad because I deceived them, but they weren't at the point in their lives or in our relationship that I could tell them, and I didn't want to ruin anything with either of them when I knew this would be a short-term situation.
I never felt too bad about the "slut" thing. I just asked myself after every time I had sex with one of them, did I feel bad? Did they treat me like I was less than a person? Did they act like an asshole to me or make me feel bad about myself or my sexuality? The answer was usually no, so I made a conscious decision to not feel bad about the sex...I think that's something that was very specific to me, though. Just wanted to throw it out there.
Yes, discount your actual feelings and replace them with those advised by strangers on the Internet. Remember, if your feelings don't match up with the accepted norms, something is definitely wrong with YOU. Only by forcing yourself to conform to groupthink can you return to normal. And if you have trouble actually replacing your disgusting authentic feelings with group-endorsed artificial ones, fake it 'til you make it baby!
You don't quite grasp the concept here, do you?
you're right. I guess I'm missing something. Why would someone feel guilty for doing something, and then ask a web site online why she feels that way? And furthermore, why would the majority of the commenters tell her to NOT feel the way she's feeling, and instead start feeling the opposite? I don't know about you guys but I view my emotions as important and preservable, specifically because I'm feeling them. Why would someone ask for INvalidation of their own emotions?
Emotions are important and we're all allowed to feel how we feel. This is 100% true. But bad emotions, or emotions that cause us discomfort and grief shouldn't be preserved and felt constantly.
Probing, seeking, questioning are all normal things when confronted with something you KNOW isn't 100% sensible. And it can be good to say "Hey me, what's up? Why are we feeling this way?" and sometimes it can be good to seek a third party opinion. Sometimes it's nice when someone doesn't know everything about you and can just give an unbiased opinion without having it all tangled up in you and your feelings.
Or else why would agony aunts and advice columns even exist in the first place?
In conclusion: Fuckin' two dudes in a twenty four hour period sounds pretty rad to me and I would feel like a rock star.
I am in a very similar situation. I feel exactly the same way. So nice to read this.
Damn, I was hoping for a story about a MMF threesome...
Don't worry about what you "should" feel; just focus on what you do feel. Do you have fun with these guys? Do you feel respected by them on a human level, if not on a "committed-relationship-boyfriend" level? Are you secretly looking for something more intimate, or are you exhilarated by your freedom? Settle these questions for yourself, use condoms, and don't worry yourself any further. Also: I would recommend continuing to go on dates with other guys, in addition to these two. If you only see these two exclusively, and never date anyone else, you may start to feel a degree of "exclusivity/attachment/emotional investment" towards the two of them that would be unwarranted and make you unnecessarily unhappy. Think of them as temporary and you will be less surprised/hurt when one of them drops out of your life.
I think it's awesome, and whenever I've been in your position it's felt great. You don't owe either of them an explanation or even a disclosure, really.
The only fly in the ointment is that you're probably not using condoms and dental dams for oral sex (does anyone, except sex workers and diehard safe-sex advocates?). It is theoretically possible for you to get an STD from one guy and give it to the other one...and that would suck, so maybe that's part of why you're getting little twinges of guilt. But if neither of them is insisting on super-safety, then they're not protecting you from what they might get, right? So I think things are pretty balanced out. Have fun!
When I have sex with two guys in one day, I sometimes feel a bit weird too. I think it's partly that I don't usually have sex that often, so I'm not usually all that turned on the second time. And it's hard to switch to being really into someone else. I think it's possible there's a physiological response that you're feeling - possibly a hormone alteration after sex, that doesn't jibe well with sleeping with two guys close together. But this is pure conjecture. Maybe try leaving 48 hours and see if that makes a difference?
I feel that most people over-disclose. What I mean by that, is that most people feel that in order to be honest, they have to give details. However, this is not the case. Mature adults do two things: 1) they are clear (note, I did not say honest) even if it means that they may not get what they want; 2) they never put anyone else at risk. What this means is that you must tell both of your sexual partners that you are not monogamous and explain to them what methods you are taking to protect them from potential STD infection. You needn't go into any other details, and, in fact, I would strongly advise you not to. That part is none of their concern, and it is your information to do with as you please. As for having sex with two men at once, you are have every right to have the sex life you want. However, you do not have the right to do that at anyone else's expense. Everyone needs to be able to make a choice. Your sexual partners might have already concluded that you are not in a monogamous relationship. They might have concluded that even though the relationships aren't emotionally exclusive, there is a sexual exclusivity. However, HPV and herpes can be spread even with condom use, and so you need to be clear with them that there isn't a sexual exclusivity so they can make a choice about their risk. It's what you would want to know, isn't it?
Sleeping with 2 guys shouldn't make you feel awesome nor awful, the guys themselves should make you feel awesome or awful. Do you enjoy their company? Are they cool? If yes then rock and roll. Happiness is a feeling not a situation.
I was in this same situation a few years ago... there were a few times I had sex with both of them in the same night. It was the most sex I've ever had, and all I can say is, it was not sustainable, physically or emotionally. My theme song during that period was "get it while you can" by Janis Joplin. Words of wisdom.
As long as you are using protection every time and are not explicitly telling either guy that you are exclusive with him, then go for it! In addition to condoms, I would suggest you be sure to use another form of birth control to protect yourself against pregnancy - I think ending up in a "Who's the daddy?" situation might be a little bit awkward...
I'd be more inclined to get my moral indignation on if you weren't showering between partners. Sometimes I think I should wash the sheets between partners too. Anyone else?
Omg yes, please change/wash the sheets. I don't think what the LW is doing is wrong at all (have done something similar in the past myself), but eesh be clean! Would YOU want to have sex on "used" sheets with the other partner's bodily fluids?
It sounds to me like you are masking your insecurities about your previous relationship with this new guy. This is why you are willing to be intimate with both people on the same day. If you felt comfortable and confident with your self you would not feel the need to get validation from someone besides yourself. "Dating" "Sleeping with" an ex means one of two things either you are still attached to that person and or relationship (or your ideal of what you wanted that person or relationship to be) or you are using your ex as a way to hold control over how you feel by accepting the attention they are willing to give you. My advice is to break it off with both people and be on your own for awhile. The reason we jump into another relationship right after a relationship ends (or our ideal of what we wanted the relationship to be) is because we aren't confident in knowing how to love and validate our own self. Learning how to love and validate your self is not an easy thing to do but once you learn you will find the right person to be with and you will be more then happy with the relationship and the trust you have in that relationship. You won't feel the need to seek advice from sources outside of your relationship and you won't feel guilty for being involved with a partner.
I'm sayin you're being kinda slutty sleeping w-them both in the same 24 hr period...
If you're serious about either (A.) Trying to get back w-the ex or (B.) maybe having something meaningful & moving on w-the new guy then you really need to step-up&be honest...
Trust me! Once they find-out there is another person involved in the equation they'll do 1 of 3 things, (1.) cut it off all together & call you a whore or (2.) totally step-up to the plate & want you to become exclusive or (3.) be totally down w-the sitch & enjoy the no strings agreement & the fact that they get to bang-you when it's their perspective turn to ride the ride...
Not that games are good but by informing them that this is the reality of how it's gonna be if they're unwilling to commit & injecting a lil jealousy into the equation, I'm 99.9% sure that one of them will be like WTF&want to keep you all to themselves!
&If you don't want to or just can't be honest then at least consider spacing-out your rendezvous's to 1 per 24hr period limit unless your getting involved in some Muh Nahj Ah Twah type shit then in that case have at it&put your heels to the sky! Otherwise you're going to hurt one or both of them when this finally comes out & probably blow any chance the perspective relationship initially had... (&even if they're from completely different circles & you keep them that way, it's still gonna come-out one way or another... No matter how hard you try it always does&in a sitch such as this it's going to get really sticky for you! Literally & Figuratively in this case!
Just rotate holes, it's all good.
Even as a male, I've felt uncomfortable about sleeping with 2 different women in a short period of time (e.g. 24 hrs or even 48 hrs). Why?
- Social stigma? = No (as a guy, I should be stoked to "play rockstar", however shallow and juvenile that may be)
- Fear of STDs? = No (sure, use protection, but that's irrelevant to your emotional question)
- Guilt over deception? = No (as I always made it clear when & when not ready to be monogamous...though suggest you be proactively clear, not just silently assume they understand you)
The answer is simple: sex for many (emotionally healthy people) is one of the most intense forms of intimacy.
Intimacy is natural. A feeling of connection with someone you've just had sex with is natural...and the sense of connection can be a mix of emotional, intellectual, and even biochemical ("post-coital glow" is an awesome cocktail).
Sure, it's not a serious relationship. So the "intimacy after-effect" may only be temporary - e.g. 24 hours.
Beware advise that you to ignore a natural feeling of intimacy, even if it is a short-lived one.
Better to keep that natural "bias" towards intimacy when it comes to sex...because if you bury it into the ground, it might have difficulty coming back. (I've known some people, men and women, who've really damaged themselves by putting "sex" and "intimacy" into two separate boxes).
I couldn't agree more.
Yes.
Me three.
Doing this with three guys. We're all safe, everyone knows (at least in the abstract) about everyone else. Emotions can be a thing sometimes, but it's great. Fucking own it.
You realize you aren't into either of these guys.
Both you and these two guys deserve people that are really into them. Move on from both of them or you'll regret it later on in life if you have settled for someone that is this "meh".
Have fun, but move on from both of them soon (it sounds like its gone on for a bit already).
I had an experience where I wound up having multiple sexual partners in a 5 day period- 2 were repeats (sex with exes) and one was a new crush I had known for a few weeks. I knew I hadn't done anything "slutty" but I felt odd about it. I think its because of the Maury show: I was safe with all of my partners, but if I had gotten pregnant I would not have known who the father was (or who I could have asked to drive me to the clinic)!
Actually having other people who have been in similar situations tell you of their experiences is a really good way to help someone get through a tricky situation. It does not mean she is replacing her own emotions (that is impossible!!), it just means that she is able to connect and identify with others who have been in a similar situation making her possibly feel less alone and thus normalising her problem so that she does not feel like crap anymore.
You've very clearly over thought this. No committment means they might be doing the same thing. Enjoy but be careful of disease (by asking if they're being careful as well).
Have a good time ..... slut. (just kiddin)
You should not pay attention to what society says frankly my dear it's all bs capische!
Full of salient points. Don't stop believing or wirtnig!
As long as you're having safe sex, have fun!
Ok basically your a cheap slut... dont worry about it tho.. 99% of women in the world are..
Its true its not of the mens bussniess or concern if you are sleeping with 2 guys in one day..
And it will also be none of your concern why your husband if you ever have one leaves you for a younger women when your an old bag and your face has rotted off.....
Also the STD thing.... I dont get how people can say that its ok to cheat on 2 guys.. but you must tell them about so they can protect them?
No truth is you dont have to tell them shit.. your just trying to find some weird mental loop hole so you dont feel like a cheap whore...
A responisible adult does not associate with human trash like most of the people in this thread... I feel sorry for you scum bags.. burn in hell..
I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work.
It seems the way people say 'go for it- be a slut' is for who's benefit? Do you want to be just used and walked over? And Send the same message to all the men you sleep with? ... What does that say.. (no-matter how ever much you try and sugar coat it- what does your gut say??) Does being honest with how you really feel matter? and what you really want? Kid yourself (yes it might be fun for 5 minuets.. but for who?.. until the next one? or maybe one will! fall in love- but with who?- someone easy who doesn't value themselves?) Wouldn't you prefer a guy who valued themselves more? Who came after you because they they want you- but more than sex? And you know it?! In the long term who wins?? Actions speak louder than words. How does treating each other like this not matter and help anyones feeling of self-worth and value. If they deserve you shouldn't they have to wait? Don't you make them wait? They won't forget just like you won't. Go on and devalue yourself and say its ok. Things will be ok.. How do you want to be treated and remembered!? How do you think others want to be treated!? Isn't that the same? Why don't you set the standard? One thing is for sure even if you get yourself some attention it won't be the attention you deserve or they do if you give things away to soon. Men love sex, women love sex but we all want more.. Start by holding onto what you got and let them too (hold off and give it to each other when you are sure you want to 100% and that doesn't mean losing anything because you both know where its going- let him! chase you! ) You are worth so much more than you realise you just need to tell yourself this. Please read this again and again and again until... you believe it! Gain some respect woman!
So, this thread is basically over, but I want to add my two cents, cause I was part of a similar arrangement as the dude.
- My exact situation: I had just broken up with a girl with whom I had amazing amazing sex with, we continued having sex for a while cause, hey, we're adults and sex is fun and we're being honest, why not? Sounds like your arrangement "...still spending a lot of time together and occasionally sleep together, but we've both decided we can't be together officially right now, even though the sex is still great."
However, she met someone whom she started sleeping with him, not telling me about this. For a month or two. There was some 24 hour overlap there as well. I found when I saw she had been getting a lot of texts from this guy and so I took the plunge and looked and saw what the texts said. In retrospect I was getting used big time. She used a lot of manipulative ploys to keep me around, to buoy her self esteem and use that confidence to seek out another dude.
You might say by not trying to make a commitment I should've expected this. Yeah. Thing is I tried to be smart, I tried to say no more sex, but she would keep calling me, grabbing me when we were together, lingering after parties so we were alone, it was hard to erect boundaries without cutting her out of my life. I tried to look for new partners too, but she was a fireball of rage and guilt when I flirted with other girls. And there is a horrible mismatch in the power dynamic here too, we were both attractive, but given that we both hung out together alot, it was A LOT easier for her to find some horny dude from among our classmates to hook up with on the DownLow than it would be for me to find a girl dumb enough to get involved with my ex is obviously still in the picture.
There's some other stuff I'm leaving out, but basically I was devastated. She drew a lot of emotional support from me and there was huge emotions involved, and I was the one left in the cold in the end. In short, the girl was a crummy person. I hope your situation is a lot different, otherwise you're kinda potentially shitting all over your ex.
Agreed, this thread is over. But you are really shitting all over your ex. And yes, I think two guys in one day is pretty slutty.
I actually know exactly what you're feeling. I have always been faithful and until recently i wasn't "promiscuous". My boyfriend cheated on me and we broke up and i started sleeping with my old fling again. sometimes he would show up at my apartment and well things would happen and only hours before my ex would have been there. my ex had to have known the situation(even though we didn't talk about it) and i told my fling about it. the fling didn't care because he liked the guy (we later got into a fight because i slept with someone he thought was beneath me).
The point is....... these feelings are normal....it's drilled in our head that we should fall in love get married a virgin and not sleep around yadayadayada. going against what our mamas always taught us makes us uncomfortable. SO as long as you aren't ripping someone's heart out, feel no guilt.
Yes, you are a slut. Feel bad because you can't control yourself. The fact you are asking your question over the internet and not to either of these guys should answer it for you. If your relationships truly were physical you could ask them this question knowing it wouldn't effect your sex life.
If you were a man, you would have been called an asshole about a thousand times by now. But I would still like to say thank you, this world would not be the same without whores like you.
Where is the love in this picture? Men can generally seperate love and sex. Women want to be intimate. You seem to have a man's perspective and just want sex. As a one-woman-at-a-time man, I cannot sleep with a woman and not form a strong emontional attachment.
When I got myself into this situation (as the female) I thaught at first I was handeling it all well. But the dangerous thing was that I was doing it to cure my ego. I am now 25 and since now I have always been monogamous and sort of a "radical moralist", in my former relationship (5years) my boyfriend cheated on me and that really did mess up my mental health big time...I was so damn frustrated and felt like shit.... since then it literally made me feel sick and sorry to hear about somebody(whoever) cheating on someone and stuff...moreover I felt very uncomfortable with the fact that this modern lifestyle is so tolerated by the society.(I know I sound like a complete psycho)...to get to the point: I started doing this to prove myself I can treat the relationship like a man does and that I can be the one in charge, just enjoying sex with no emotions envolved... the problem is, even if nobody gets hurt (in my case all 3 of us got) you might wake up one day and realize that you are totally behaving against all your personal beliefs....so my warning is: if you are doing this because you're disappointed in love/relationships and you think "doing it like a dude" - being only attached physically will protect you from feeling emotional pain again- it won't. Just wanted to share my "lesson learned" - I never wanna experience this again. But hey, if you're just fooling around, have fun :-)
I hear you... I totally agree with you.
If your conscience won't let you rest, it's because you've gone against what you believe to be right (in this case 'right' can only be defined by the individual. Moving on... I think that to regain you sense of 'freedom' you should be real with your feelings i.e. acknowledge them as they are and let them take their natural cause - as time passes you will feel lighter. Then only will you be able to TRULY (regardless of other people's opinions) let go of the guilt and move on with life.
well this is very interesting, i see the game that you play. the advice that was given to me was................ YOU CANT CHANGE A HO INTO A HOUSE WIFE
RZA -DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
JUST 4 THA HOEZ-
You are a slut
Now you say something