Ridiculous Tips for a
Miserable Sex Life

This month: Cosmo and Maxim help heat up your summer.

BY Ben Reininga

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

If there's anything we love, it's a double entendre. So do the folks at your favorite men's and women's magazines. Luckily for all of us, summer has begun in earnest, and the season promises to be steaming hot, nice and long, and exxxtra sweaty. (You know, like sex!) These beloved gender periodicals are offering endless ways to fill the torrid days. And if you assume that the ladies who read Cosmo date the dudes who read Men's Health and Maxim — and you know we do — it's going to be a sizzler.

Cosmopolitan: Heat things up

This month, Cosmo is all about reinvigorating the day-to-day. Put the grrr back in quotidian — or just take a bunch of improbable scenarios, some household items and childish euphemisms, and throw in tips from previous issues, until, presto!, you have a summer of sexy fun. In "30 Things to Do With a Naked Man" (no relationship to May's "40 Things to Do Naked"), you're told to "take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body." This classic of the Cosmo canon is made more grotesque than usual by context: on the previous page, they advocate turning off the AC because a made-up-sounding chemical in your sweat boosts arousal.

If things get too hot, "keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the Hooksexup-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples." (On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug.) Once you've climaxed, take a big sip of the ice water you keep nearby and "envelope his balls." Don't ask why!

You can also have lots of fun just by turning off the lights. In "20 Naughty Things to Do in The Dark," we get such gems as "Feed each other ice cream. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess," proof positive that no one ever tries these things.

Sick of the dark? Then take your guy to the mall, since "scientists" have shown that "men who are exposed to... fluorescent lighting experienced a spike in the hormone that triggers testosterone." For fans of shopping and pseudoscience, this is win-win.

Men's Health: "The KY Jelly of Minerals"

On the male side, Men's Health is also all about finding the sex in everyday activities, all using their signature blend of sciencey-sounding research, a veritable army of doctors, and questionable logic.

For example, when at the beach, "Use a solid-colored blanket — women subconsciously associate stripes and patterns with children." Once you lure her to dinner with your mighty blanket, get the lady some lobster. Why? Because "Lobsters are a great source of phosphorus," and phosphorus is "the K-Y Jelly of minerals." Did you know geology had an official lubricant? Once you get her home, light some scented candles — any scent but cherry. "It inhibits sexual arousal," according to someone named Dr. Hirsch.

If you've made it that far, gents, you can probably go ahead and have sex. Just be aware that the lady will probably want to complete thirty or so naked activities first. Be prepared to make some naked cocktails, paint the house nude, or strip down to watch a movie. (This month's Cosmo — honest to God — suggests all three, with a caveat on the last: "Avoid anything that'll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad — a jiggly tummy won't make you feel good.")

Maxim: Your Inner Adolescent

If all that sounds a little complicated, relax with our friends at Maxim magazine, who've finally realized this month that sex is not for having — it's for joking about and imagining. That's why, among endless photo spreads of "girls next door," they offer some real, practical suggestions for pranks you can play on your unfortunate partner. Especially appropriate for the month of June, is the "S. P. Effed," in which you "Give your snoozing, sunbathing gal a fantastic tan line by draping your penis across her leg." Also useful is the "Paul Revere," wherein, "at the moment of climax, [you] repeatedly let your girlfriend know who's coming." I don't know if this means you are coming, or, as history would have it, the British. Something, however, tells me that it's not her.