Advice

Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: October 2010

Pin it

Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life

Men's Health and Cosmo get outlandish, with more food-related techniques and a trick with a necklace that'll arouse and bewilder you.

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newsstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the worst tips and mock them for your edification.

With the autumn comes a certain return to seriousness. School and work are getting hard again, coats are out of the closet, and frigid weather looms. In preparation for the winter to come, our favorite men's and women's magazines are feeling a little conservative this month. Like, have-dinner-waiting-on-the-table-when-he-comes-home-from-work conservative. So, if you assume the men who read Men's Health date the women who read Cosmo (and you know they do), it's going to be a very retro fall.

Katy Perry Cosmo cover, November 2010Cosmopolitan

What better way to celebrate fall than with an ode to that most autumnal of the body parts. You know what I mean. October is the season for apple picking, pumpkin carving, late-summer peaches — decorative gourds, for Christ's sake — that's right, boobs. To celebrate the season (or just 'cause), Cosmopolitan has put together a list of "50 Great Things to Do with Your Breasts." And great they are.

In the true spirit of progress, more than half of boob-related activities involve empowering yourself — by making your breasts gigantic and using them to woo the maler sex:

  • "Work silicone bra inserts in a tank top for a day, and keep a tally of all the men who stare at your cleavage"
  • "Go braless on a night out, and wear a low-cut shirt so it's obvious"
  • "Try Victoria's Secret Miraculous Push-Up — it adds up to two full cup sizes!"
  • "When you're lounging together on the couch reading or watching TV, guide his hand inside your bra and have him lightly scratch your breasts with his fingertips"
  • "Hide tickets to that baseball game your guy's been dying to go to in your bra, and tell him to go hunting for hidden treasure."

Boobs plus baseball almost guarantees a happy man. And what more could any woman in 2010 want? (Except for new oven mitts, of course.)

By Cosmopolitan's bylaws, each issue must contain at least one, food-and-beverage-related piece of advice that sounds sexy, but would probably be immensely unpleasant to attempt.

  • "Overheated at the beach? Slip an ice cube out of your drink, and glide it over your cleavage." Never mind that it's October, and no one is likely to be overheated at the beach — this classic will never die.
  • "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in." 
  • "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask "your man" to lick it off. (Note you should not attempt these tips on the same night — hot pasta sauce is a known enemy of body glue, and "your man" might choke on a rhinestone.)

Cosmo's also got some tips on that high-school standard: the handjob. Only now, like a pair of bedazzled tatas, the most basic sex act has gotten insanely ornate. Listen up, strumpets, 'cause "here's how to throw his disco stick a party he'll never forget."

  • "Give him a sexy stare to let him know how much you crave him."
  • "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle."
  • [And now, for the ninja-level shit] "Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum… Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times."

(If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him another stare and say, "I crave you" — you know, to clear things up.)

Men's HealthMen's Health

Over on the external-genital side of things, October is all about reaffirming another good old-fashioned paradigm: money. More specifically, that men have it, and women don't (but they want it), and so the only way for men to make them happy is to buy them shit. "Make sure to show her that the money you have can be enjoyed, and she's your top priority. If Maui's too expensive, settle for Miami."

Seriously, in an article on twenty-five ways to spice things up in your relationship, about twenty involve buying things — specifically, things that cost thousands of dollars. (The recession is over, gentlemen. Or you're never going to get laid again.) Here are some highlights from "25 Fun Things to do with a Woman:"

  • Climb a volcano in south-central Chile.
  • Rent private fighter jets and fly them.
  • Go to Borneo.
  • Go to Barbados.
  • Go to Hawaii.
  • Go shopping in Beverly hills.
  • Go to a "superfancy" restaurant
  • Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street. (Bonus points for reeking of desperation).
  • Spend a night in an igloo. In Alaska.
  • And "take a home pregnancy test," which isn't odd at all: impregnation totally fits on a list of "fun things to do with a woman."

Don't believe me when I say that opulence is the new sexiness? In a later roundup of sex tips, Men's Health suggests you take a pearl necklace (don't tell Mother), lubricate it, and, um, "Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation. The beads feel warm and smooth, creating a new level of sensation." Relatedly, seventy-three percent of women surveyed would enjoy being lightly spanked by a wad of hundred-dollar bills.

gay dating site

Be healthy and entire on their personal alternatively of looking for their identity or healing in an additional person. hook uo near me Pure works by allowing you to post a photo and an action oriented message that expires inside the hour. Manisha Could 2nd, 2016 God just save me from much more such terrible pain i was going to encounter had i not took the proper selection. used undies for sale In fact no matter how lots of actual estate energy of lawyer forms I signed ahead of and though away the bank who held the mortgage corporation would not talk with him.

best free hookup apps nyc

Care should be taken when employing access with derived relationships since the arrow on the partnership has no bearing to its directionality. free doublelist Reddit doesn t have the handy options of a membership dating website. Sylvia believes that each and every couple can transform their partnership into a happier, healthier one particular by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. because i love you song 1960s Try us you ll discover that our friendly service and sophisticated search and messaging functions will make your search for correct like straightforward and enjoyable.

best free hookup sites uk

Positive, it has its pros, but let's be honest, a woman's touch is indispensable in a man's life. best gay apps in malaysia Last year I heard a frat guy ask one particular of my sorority sisters, “Pencil me into your dance card? ” I smiled at the irony, because my grandmother — to whom a “dance card” was a physical object — would faint if she saw the grimy, UV-lit basement of Beta Theta Pi. I say be genuine, mainly because us ladies can see the bullshit a mile away. marshall arkansas drive in theater For instance, Nagasawa and colleagues identified that negative social environments and their perceived barriers predicted poor compliance to healthcare regimens amongst diabetes sufferers.

Comments Naturally, also you can look for other younger mature friend finders and gapers with secret positive aspects. Before calendar year, several users had located their soul mates, or business partners, or good friends within the hookup iphone app of cougar courting CougarD. XFun is definitely the Top fwb courting mobile app out there for mature men and women to meet and connect with each other. hatsan escort spare parts you can prefer to be the most effective or most awful a part of yourself on Natural and in many cases match your dirtiest intimate fantasies with the correct man or woman. Along with the evolving world wide web generation, every single process in your life is switching from offline setting to online method.