Sex Advice From Female Comedians

Andrea Rosen

I have a personal blog, and I tend to go in details about everything sex-related. I love it, and I never use the guys’ real names. But my current boyfriend is extremely uncomfortable with it, and doesn't want to be included at all. He's a huge part of my life, and I want to write about him. Is he being unreasonable?
I feel you. I like to talk about my personal life on stage, and I would be super-bummed if my significant other wasn’t down for it. How into your current beau are you? If he can’t hang with your sharing, and that’s really important to you, maybe he isn’t the guy for you. But if he's a super great guy who you love and adore, then, maybe it’s an opportunity to figure out another way to express yourself. Or do it in a way that he doesn’t mind — lots of metaphor, reveal only super positive things about him, talk about stuff from your POV, without revealing too much about him. Find out what his parameters are. Maybe he can deal with some private things made public, and not with others. Try to get some wiggle room. Compromise. Is this a wishy-washy answer? Sorry, I’m a Libra.

I'm older, and very inexperienced. Okay, I'm a virgin. I'm getting serious with a very special woman, and I'm ready to just do it already. But how do I break it to her? At dinner beforehand? Right before we're about to do it? I'm hung up on logistics.
Definitely tell her about it before you do it — not right before — but sure, over dinner, on a walk, during a commercial break, whatever. She’ll be fine with it. Maybe she’ll be psyched. It would be pretty cool to be someone’s first. Not that many women get to do that. (Is that a generalization that’s not mathematically possible? I dunno.) Also it’s special that you haven’t just dipped your ding-a-ling into any hole. And this lady will feel special, unless she’s a total lame-o — but she’s probably great because you want to dip it into her, and you haven’t wanted to dip it before.

I am positive my boyfriend is cheating on me. Is it worth following him around, all sleuthy, to put my mind at ease? I'm aware this is super lame but I need peace of mind.
If you think he’s cheating on you, he probably is. Might be empowering to just break up with him. I mean it’s no fun to continue dating someone you’re constantly suspicious of. But if you can, sure, do some sleuthing, try to hack into his email account, that’s usually chock full of evidence.

I'm dating a girl who is super prim and proper, but has a reputation among friends (we're an incestuous group, so what?) for being a freak in the sheets. I have yet to see the freak side. What's going on? I'm a pretty conservative guy myself. Am I a freak-repellent?
Hm, maybe she’s not ready to let her freak flag hang with you quite yet. You might need to initiate this stuff. Start easy — propose watching a porn with her, maybe try to finger her in a movie theater, go to a sex shop with her. Maybe you guys’ll end up buying a double-dick dildo or a bottle of lube. You know, whatevs. Did that help?

I just moved back in with my parents. Is it all over? By that I mean my sex life.
How long do you plan on staying with your ‘rents? Try to get a girlfriend who has her own apartment. But would a girl want to sleep with you at your parents' place? Maybe — if your parents are cool, have a stocked fridge, and go away a lot.

A question of etiquette: I have a temporary live-in roommate. He's here for a month. Is it expected that my girlfriend and I wait 'til he leaves to have sex? At night as well?
No, you guys can do it whenever you want. Just close the door and keep your screaming down to polite grunts and “oh yeahs.”

I hooked up with a guy when I was drunk and desperate, and led him on because I'm sure there will be similar circumstances in the future, and he's kind of fun. But he wants to date, and take things seriously. How do I let him know I just want a friends-with-benefits relationship?
Tell him. He might be into it. And if he’s not, you can easily find another friend to have bennies with. That’s such a great situation. The right person will be totally into it.

Andrea Rosen's solo show, Ding Dong Meow, runs at the UCB Theatre June 16th and June 30th at 8pm. For tickets, click here or call (212) 366-9176.
Photo by Stefano Giovannini