Sex Advice From Jon Stewart Ralliers

Q: What makes for better sex: restoring sanity or keeping fear alive? A: I’ll go with keeping fear alive.

By Derrick Sanskrit

Jenny, 22, Chapel Hill, NC
Laura, 22, Chapel Hill, NC
Jennifer, 22, Winston-Salem, NC

Why is a political rally a good place to meet sexy singles?
Laura: Because you spend hours standing around each other, it’s a great place to make small talk.
Jennifer: You’re all similarly tired.
Jenny: You know people are generally like-minded if they’re at the same place as you. Sometimes they’re not wearing so many clothes; I saw someone in a full spandex bodysuit. It’s a little obscene but I kind of liked it.

According to cable news, conservatives are closeted homosexuals and liberals are amoral sluts. What would you say are the moderates’ sexual vices?
Jennifer: Are they in a constant state of identity crisis?
Jenny: I reckon. Back and forth between one gender and another.

What does a protest sign tell you about a person as a lover?
Jenny: It tells you how much effort they put into their lovemaking. They’re going to spend two minutes on a sign made out of cardboard about five minutes before the event? Skeptical. If you put it on some nice printer paper and you’ve got it all laid out, ooh...
Laura: Different colored sharpies, very important.

What makes for better sex: restoring sanity or keeping fear alive?
Jennifer: Maybe we need to be kind of moderate on this one.
Jenny: Nope, no moderation. Fear! Restoring sanity in the bedroom? That sounds all kinds of boring.
Jennifer: Communication, man!
Jenny: Communication is key. You’ve got a safe word, right? Good to go.
Jennifer: Sanity is sexy too.
Jenny: No, sanity is not sexy. Fear is sexy. Difference is sexy.
Jennifer: All right, all right. I guess we’ll just agree to disagree on this one.

My girlfriend of six months invited me to her parents’ for Thanksgiving. I’m an unapologetic socialist and her dad watches Fox News twenty-four-seven. How do we survive the weekend together?
Jennifer: Don’t open your mouth.
Jenny: Talk about the weather. Talk about sports, maybe, kind of. Generally sports. Don’t get too specific.
Laura: I was going to say build a fort in the next room and just take care of Thanksgiving dinner there.
Jenny: A fort. That’s a good idea.
Laura: Yeah, you can just make up some excuse about how, you know, you have some form of agoraphobia.
Jennifer: Also, you’re having sex with her, not him! It should be about the food, not the politics.

My partner’s Foursquare shows that she’s been to a lot of diners and cafes in her ex’s neighborhood lately. Do I confront her or lie about it and pretend to know nothing?
Jenny: What is a Foursquare? I don’t know what that is.
Jennifer: It’s an internet thing where you check in with your GPS.
Jenny: Oh and you track people? That’s terrifying!
Jennifer: You check in to places.
Jenny: I say anyone who’s on Foursquare, don’t date them. If you’re on that system...
Jennifer: You should not move here, Jen.
Jenny: Okay, done. [wipes hands clean] I won’t GPS myself. I like to remain a little bit of a mystery.

If the Glenn Beck was a sex act, what would it be?
Jennifer: Head in ass. Requires maximum flexibility.
Laura: It’s just me hiding in the closet, yet again with my fort thing.
Jenny: You really want to build a fort, don’t you?
Laura: I like forts!

Sometimes when I'm out with friends, I flirt and don't bring up the fact that I have a girlfriend. I'll let it go as far as possible without cheating. Is this wrong?
Jennifer: What do you define as “cheating” or “wrong?”
Laura: I guess if you and your partner have decided what “cheating”means, you don’t breach that.
Jenny: And them there polyamorous couples, they make their own rules about what they’re allowed to do.
Jennifer: They’re probably fine with it if you’ve defined it within the relationship.
Jenny: I don’t give a flip if someone flirts with somebody else while I’m dating them, if I’m not within the immediate vicinity. If I’m, like, right next to you, that might be a different thing, but in general, yeah, go crazy.

My last boyfriend had a signature move that I really want my new boyfriend to try. How do I tell him?
Jenny: You use your words.
Laura: Use your words! This is the keyphrase of this weekend: “use your words.”
Jennifer: You’re an adult; use your words.
Laura: When you’re in a group and someone wants to get by you, you use your words. You say...
Laura & Jenny: "‘Scuse me..."
Laura: "Can I get by you?" You don’t just push.
Jenny: I mean, as long as you’re not like, “My old boyfriend did this and it blew my mind. Do you mind trying it like...”
Laura: You can leave out all of those details about how it was your ex.
Jenny: Say it in a breathy voice: “Ooh, move my leg...”
Jennifer: [imitating] “Say it in a sexy breathy voice...”
Jenny: Hey, man, it works. I’ve tried it.

I'm a forty-two-year-old woman dating a twenty-year-old man. None of my friends understand it, but our connection is real. Are we bound for disaster?
Laura: I mean, it’s legal!
Jennifer: It is legal. You’re not gonna get a lot of approving nods, but you know...
Laura: Do what you want. If it doesn’t work, then you learn from it.
Jenny: I say get you some of that.
Jennifer: I think it was James Taylor who said “If it feels nice, don’t think twice.”
Jenny: I’m going to live by that.

It's a long, lonely ride back home on the crowded public bus. How do I spot that special someone to keep me company?
Jenny: See, you want to be careful, because you don’t want to be that person on the bus who’s like, “Hey hey hey... can I get your number?” and trying to talk to them and they’re like “I have my iPod in.”
Laura: “I need a nap.”
Jennifer: I guess if people give you the eyes when you get on a bus.
Jenny: It’s all about eye contact.
Jennifer: Maintaining eye contact.
Laura: Right, but you have to be a little bit withholding so that you don’t freak ‘em out at first.
Jenny: Right, someone who’s not staring you down, but...
Jennifer: Shy glances.
Laura: And make sure they vaguely seem to be your age... ish.
Jenny: ...ish.