“Dirty Byrd,” 25
I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Should I just give up?
No, that’s fine. My friend Cliff is with this little tiny girl who keeps to herself. I think she actually works as a librarian. It really doesn’t matter. There’s no, like, hard criteria for it. I guess if you’re part of the family it’s easier, but nobody’s going to turn you away for being an outsider.
What’s the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
I don’t know if there really is a best way. We’re all pretty perverted, I guess. We like tattoos and piercing and all that — goth-looking girls, you know.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a Juggalo event?
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something.
Wait, what’s a neden hole?
Oh, we call vaginas nedens.
Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?
I don’t — my girl’s not into that kind of shit — but that’s actually a pretty big thing with Juggalos. I was talking to one of my homies the other day and he was like, “Yeah, we got all painted up and made a porno last night.” So it happens, definitely. I remember back in 2003, 2004 there was tons of it around, just like bootleg Juggalo porn. People all painted up. It was pretty crazy.
I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not even a little bit. Should I end it?
No. If you love a girl, then that shouldn’t matter. Unless she’s, like, all gung-ho and trying to convert you. Then maybe you can kick her to the curb. Most things are cool with Juggalos. I’ve seen dudes with 300-pound girls with facial hair and it’s all good. Big, fat, bald, retarded — it’s all good with us.
I was really into this girl. Recently, I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is "terrible taste" an okay reason to break things off?
No. But it’s a good reason to just make fun of them.
My girlfriend hooked up with one of her girlfriends and I got mad. She said it didn’t count as cheating, but I’m pissed. Isn’t it cheating no matter who it’s with?
I guess if it was a drunken bar night, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Girls do stuff like that, you know. But if you come home and they’re all over each other on the couch, you’d probably be within your rights to get a little pissed. If they ask you join in, that could be another story, I guess. But I’m not too into lesbians to tell you the truth, so I’d probably be a little angry.
“Ninjalette,” 25
What’s the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
The best way to catch a ‘lo or a ‘lette’s eye is to be yourself. We don’t like players or liars. Be confident. Face paint helps, too.
I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Do I still have a shot?
Yes, you do. At the moment, I myself am in a relationship with someone who isn’t a Juggalo.
I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not even a little bit religious. Should I end it?
No, that’s just silly. If you really like this girl, you shouldn’t dump her over her religion. ICP themselves is, in fact, very religious. If you’re a Juggalo, I advise listening to “The Unveiling” from The Wraith: Shangri-la album and “Miracles” from Bang! Pow! Boom! to fully understand the message they’re trying to put out there.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a Juggalo event?
Full-blown orgies with everybody in clown paint. Faygo everywhere, and lots of naked flesh.
Do Juggalos really have sex in clown makeup?
Some of us do, yes. It lets out the inner you that you’re afraid to show normally. It’s quite a thrill.
My girlfriend hooked up with one of her girlfriends and I got mad. She said it didn’t count as cheating, but I’m pissed. Isn’t it cheating no matter who it’s with?
Yeah, okay, she did the dirty on you, but wouldn’t it turn you on to watch them one day? I suggest a serious sit down and talk with each other. See what you’re both looking for in this relationship. If she wants more than you and you can’t handle it, maybe it’s time to move on.
Wes, 19
What’s the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
The best way to catch my eye is to be true to who you are. If you say you are about something, then be about it. Piercings and tattoos are a plus.
I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Do I still have a shot?
I have dated a couple of girls who weren’t ‘lettes. Most Juggalos don’t care if you are or aren’t. If a ‘lo connects with a girl then he’s going to like her and possibly date her. It is possible.
Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?
I’ve only done this once and she wasn’t even a Juggalette. So I guess you can say we do; I’m pretty sure most of us have tried it.
I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not, even a little bit. Should I end it?
This wouldn’t be a big deal for me unless she is a pushy Christian. Then I may have a problem because she isn’t respecting my beliefs. But most Juggalos I know are Christians and go to church often. But there are some, such as myself, who are atheists or practice other religions.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a juggalo event?
The craziest thing I’ve seen was at the last concert on Mother’s Day here in Memphis. This chick was getting fucked during the concert and her "man," or whatever he was, was hitting it from behind. I was in front of her so she started kissing my neck. I was like "Get the fuck off me!" That’s hands down the craziest.
I’m dating a guy who doesn’t smoke. I don’t want to seem like a junkie, but the sex isn’t as good with out it. Is it okay to sneak off and get high before we go to bed?
Well, I for one don’t smoke weed. Nor have I had sex while high. It’s just not worth going to jail, or the money you paid for it. There are a million and one things I could think of buying instead of pot.
I was really into this girl. Recently, I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is "terrible taste" an okay reason to break things off?
No. She probably thinks the same about your music. But just because she listens to that type of music does not make her undatable. Just like liking ICP or other bands like them doesn’t make you a Juggalo. Any true Juggalo knows this. So don’t be so quick to judge.
