The Modern Materialist

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Aw, college...keg parties, 3-day weekends, sleeping in til 11 every day. Wouldn't it be nice to re-live those times while still embracing our more sophiticated, adult lifestyle? Well, now we can:

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This is your brain:

This is your brain on mugs:

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Sometimes during more intimate moments, things are known to just, you know, pop up...which is why this is so appropriate:

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See the thing is, I was just going to post about these Speaker Pigs, which I thought were the cutest pig speakers of all time. Then I found this:

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The latest laptop bag? Or:

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Q: What kind of chair does Scotty from Star Trek sit in?

A: A Beam Bag Chair!

Q: What kind of bed does he sleep in?

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If it doesn't have snow in it--or little flakey things that represent snow--and it isn't really a globe, what do we call it? How about:

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Looks uncomfortable, right? What with all the arms and legs sticking out of it?

Well, what about now?

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On Monday I invited you to write a hipster haiku, like the ones in this book. I've chosen three reader haikus for you guys to vote on today. The winner gets a $25 gift card to Amazon. Here are the contenders: 

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It's always smart to have proper signage in case of emergencies.

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This knife is not actually for wasps, or made out of wasps, or anything like that. I bet you can't guess what it really does:

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I know for most women, it's magazines like Cosmo, Marie Claire, and Self that usually make them feel like shit about themselves. They see pages and pages of air-brushed, size-2 chicks with perfect hair and perfect skin and thighs that look good even in boy short panties and they can't help but feel as if they fall short somehow. And while I appreciate that angst, for me it's magazines like Real Simple, Domino, and Bust that make me wonder how I ever get away with calling myself a female, because it's inside their pages that I'm reminded over and over that I really don't like cooking light summer soups or sewing shower curtains or making an awesome mini skirt out of an old concert t-shirt. But for those of you ladies out there who do like that kind of stuff — hell, for those men out there who like that stuff — who are clearly more evolved than I ever will be...

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I don't have an iPhone. This makes me sorta sad. I think they're pretty.

To be completely honest, though, I never spend more than $40 on my cell phones. 

So could I maybe use these for my ancient 15g iPod instead?

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Most of us don't want to talk about how many partners we've had in bed. It's either too many, too few, or... A Third option I'm not thinking of. But there's an easy way to break the news to your newest beau, as soon as you take your pants off, without saying a word:

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Do you have a question about shopping, products, decorating, design, gadgetry, or gift-giving? Are you looking for a specific headboard and having trouble finding it? Maybe you're wondering what to get your girlfriend for her 30th birthday, or your brother and his wife for their upcoming wedding? Or maybe you're just looking for some cool salt and pepper shakers to add to your collection. Hey, we have you covered. Email your questions to [email protected] and we'll do our best to answer them for you. Free of charge! All we ask is that you send us flowers and chocolate in return. Kidding about the chocolate...it'd probably just melt in the mail.

[photo via] 

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Need some classy-looking glassware that performs well under party pressure? No sweat.

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No-one wants to do hard time. So why would you actually pay for it:

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Things people do when they get dumped:

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I think I've found the perfect bookends for me! (And they're not the ones pictured above; feet gross me out. Don't ask.)

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While searching for bear items to keep the extraordinarily popular "Inexplicable Bear Day" meme going, I came across the above Beaker. Now, while I would probably pay a quarter for it, tops, at a stoop sale, it is, without a doubt*, the most expensive item we will ever post on this blog:

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Wish you could have a devilishly good time in the red light district?

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Guys, did you know that National Teddy Bear Day is on November 14th? That means we have less than four months to get ready! Good thing I'm inexplicably posting stuff about bears today, right?

In any case, we love our gummi bears here, which is why I'm happy to show you these mini gummi bear soaps:

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Remember yesterday when I told you how you could drink from the Leaning Tower of Pisa without shelling out big bucks for an airline ticket and hotel accomodations? Well, now I'll show you how you can drink — or eat, or read, or make out or whatever —  by the twinkling lights of the Golden Gate Bridge without shelling out big bucks for travel:

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A: Handjobs, trans fats and applause.

Q: Name 3 things that are hard to get at the movies nowadays.

But you and I can certainly get tons of righteous style and product tips. And the Internet helps you find the actual items or worthy facsimiles lickety-split.

We here at TMM add a little WD-40 for ya with our list of 20 top movie products.

Hoping to build upon Steph's great kick-off from yesterday, I give you products 15 through 11...

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I continue to wait for someone to buy me a GPS unit. I am, after all, directionally challanged. Which is why these new units keep catching my eye. The latest is a bit different from all its forbears...

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What can I say, it's a dark and stormy day, and I need a bear to hug. But I bet you'll never guess how much the above Teddy Bear is...

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It's always around the middle of February that summer seems like something of a holy experience to me and I start counting days until it starts again. And while it still remains in my top-three favorite seasons, it's always about this time of year — the end of July — when I start thinking that maybe 'holy" isn't the best way to describe it, after all. After the jump, the top things that suck about summer:

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