Hex, Marry, Kill 

Leonard Powers, Ugly Americans' drunken wizard, on Lady Gaga, George Clooney, and January Jones.

by Leonard Powers
 

Lady Gaga: “Hex. She’s on the right track, but she could use some help. The shoulder spikes and forehead horns... I like that, but the meat dress was just disgusting.

Maybe I could also help her with that half-motorcycle look she went for on the cover of her new album. I tried that when I was a roadie for Bob Seger back in the day. (It didn’t take — the thing just kept revving its engine and screaming “I shouldn’t exist,” but we eventually found someone to take it off our hands... Rob Halford, I think.) Anyway, that was kind of a dark period for me, and I don’t really want to talk about it."

George Clooney: “Oh, marry, all the way. I’m pretty lit right now, and I think he’s charming in a kind of roguish, young Aleister Crowley way.

Clooney also had that pot-bellied pig for a while, which means we’ve both lived with domesticated swine for long periods of time. Zing!"

January Jones: “Kill. I’m fairly certain that she’s either a hollow ski-suit being controlled by some kind of nebulous hive-mind from a dimension where the air has been replaced with pain. Or she’s a terrible actress. But either way, I don’t like her. So yeah, kill. I’d be doing her a favor."